Top Five Promotions Who Crapped The Bed

EliteXC. The IFL. Affliction. The dead continue to pile up like insurgents by a Baghdad highway, struggling to set up an IED while a Special Forces sniper picks them off from a rooftop 1,200 meters away. Meanwhile, the UFC races ever onward, and in a few months time the general public will barely recall those who fought courageously for what they believed in (72 virgins, Allah, lame teams named after animals, t-shirts for douche bags) and got their heads blown the heck off. But MMA Journalist will never forget! So here, in no particular order, are the top five wannabe MMA promotions that crapped the bed:

1. Extreme Fighting - The UFC's first competitor, EF was where studs like Marcus "Conan" Silveira, Maurice Smith, John Lewis and Igor Zinoviev threw down back in 1996-97. This John Peretti-run organization was way ahead of its time, employing three five-minute rounds when the UFC was using a single 12-minute round, and finding competitors among Olympic wrestlers. Unfortunately, everything came to a crashing halt when New York banned MMA and pay-per-view providers decided to give "human cockfighting" the boot, which killed EF's planned Brooklyn show and dried up all avenues of viable revenue generation.
2. Pride Fighting Championships - In late 1997 the yakuza and some Japanese businessmen teamed up to create the UFC's arch-enemy, and until its death in 2007, the organization put on some epic events, not the least of which were the tournaments that crowned Mark Coleman, Wanderlei Silva, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Fedor Emelianenko as champs. Sadly, that whole yakuza thing came around to bite Pride FC in the ass, and after two forays into the American market the organization was bought by the UFC and picked apart like a leftover Thanksgiving turkey.
3. EliteXC - As promotion's go, this upstart accomplished a lot in its 2006 to 2008 run. It managed to be the first MMA organization to do a live primetime TV event on a major network (CBS), it brought Kimbo Slice and Gina Carano to the masses, and it managed to make waves and provide a viable alternative to anything Octagon. But this bad boy was insanely mismanaged by a boxing promoter named Gary Shaw and his offspring J-Diddy, and when Kimbo collapsed at their "Heat" event thanks to a Seth Petruzelli jab to the beard, so too did EliteXC. But hey, at least Kimbo got back up, right?
4. International Fight League - Here's a great idea: let's make teams out of B-level fighters, give the teams contrived names (the Minnesota Marsupials, the Phoenix Flagellum), and put on shows packed with overzealous branding throughout the country regardless of where the best markets for live MMA are. How does that sound? Wait, it sounds like the IFL, which lasted from 2006 to 2008 and went belly up? Well, that's because it is. Hey, the next time a comic book mogul and a real estate developer come up to you and pitch their idea for an MMA organization, please, kick them in the groin.
5. BodogFIGHT - Billionaire Calvin Ayre apparently had some money he wanted to throw away, so in 2006 he put together an MMA promotion that shipped fighters to distant locales like Costa Rica, St. Petersburg, Russia and Vancouver, British Columbia, had them battle it out before TV cameras, and then put the resulting television episodes on a Christian network that no one ever watched. Then Ayre had even more money to burn, so he held pay-per-view events where Fedor beat on an overpaid Matt Lindland - no one watched that one, either. Things came crashing down when, in 2008, Ayre's accountant showed him the books and Ayre immediately had the accountant killed.

An Open Letter From Kimo Leopoldo

Following last week's "Beau Taylor Is An Incorrigible Midget Debacle", where it was reported that old school UFC veteran Kimo Leopoldo had died of a heart attack and the news spread unabated on the Internet, comes this press release from Kimo. Note: the Hawaiian fighting legend is clearly a member of the undead now - most likely a zombie, although status as a ghoul or other type of cursed spirit should not be ruled out.

"Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaaahhhhh... Mnnnnnhhhhh... Aaaaaahhhhh... *Moaning sounds* Aaahhhhhh... Mnnnnhhhhhooooohhhhhh! *Gurgling sounds*"

While it's unclear what this press release means, the one certain thing is that Kimo still walks among us. So, um, watch your flesh.

Fighters Totally Ready For Affliction: "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

The fighters assembled for Affliction's third event - a star-studded affair dubbed "Trilogy" and scheduled for Saturday, August 1st - are set and ready for war. In the main event, Fedor Emelianenko, the most feared heavyweight on the planet, is scheduled to take on top-ranked contender Josh Barnett in what is sure to be a battle to remember. Who will emerge the victor in this contest between the heavy-handed sambo master and the submission specialist? Also on the card is the pairing of UFC veteran Renato "Babalu" Sobral and Dream tournament winner Gegard Mousasi, the Brazilian Phenom Vitor Belfort against American Top Team star Jorge Santiago, and knockout artist Paul Buentello versus Dutch kickboxer Gilbert Yvel - three bouts guaranteed to provide fireworks galore. Said Emelianenko: "I am honored to be competing for such a stable organization. Dana White can kiss my Russian butt."

Affliction: "Trilogy" will also feature a killer under card, a rock-solid business plan, and a focus on providing fighters with steady employment for a long time to come.

Top Five Heavyweights Who Are Their Own Worst Enemy

Wow. Josh Barnett and steroids. Geez, did the guy learn nothing from his 2002 debacle? He was the UFC champ then, having convincingly defeated Randy Couture only to have the belt stripped for a failed drug test, and that was the last time he would grace the Octagon. Now he's screwed himself out of a bout with Fedor - a bout he very well could have won. And for what? Anyhoo, here's a nice handy-dandy list of the top five heavyweights who've proven to be their own worst enemy. Of course, number one is...

1. Josh Barnett - the man has submission skills, can bang when he has to, and has long been considered one of the best in his division. Unfortunately, on the eve of his match-up with the man considered the best heavyweight in the world, Barnett screws himself and his considerable number of fans out of what should have been his crowning achievement: a win over Fedor. Damn you, athletic commission, for your random drug screenings!
2. David "Tank" Abbott - the ultimate slugger who elevated not training into an art form. Tank was the sport's first heel, alternately loved and despised by one and all, and came thisclose to winning a UFC belt. Alas, it was never meant to be. Damn you, lungs, for needing oxygen!
3. Bobby Hoffman - a talent-rich heavyweight from the Miletich camp, this guy had knockout power and could compete in the Octagon with the best of them. He was also apparently crazy as a loon, and on the night of his last UFC loss, he beat on his new bride and wound up in the slammer. Damn you, brain chemistry, for needing regulating!
4. Tim Sylvia - a dangerous and capable striker with the charisma of a test tube full of Ebola, this guy lost the UFC belt the first time around for testing positive for steroids, and when he lost the belt again - to Couture at UFC 68 - his blaming of his loss on nagging injuries made his stock plummet even further. The icing on the cake, however, is his stellar performance against aged boxing legend Ray Mercer last month. Damn you, ex-boxing champ, for remembering how to throw a punch!
5. Brock Lesnar - ugh. Dude, please don't talk. Please.

KAPMMA Amateur Show in Newark Tonight

Just an FYI in case you're in the area: tonight is Karriem Abdallah Production's amateur MMA championships event at the Essex County College Gymnasium in Newark, New Jersey. A bunch of belts will be contested in the cage, so, um, yeah. Check it out.

Josh Barnett Tests Positive For Anime; Bout with Fedor Off

In what can only be described as a crushing blow to the upcoming Affliction: "Trilogy" card, heavyweight Josh Barnett has tested positive for anime in a California State Athletic Commission pre-fight screening. As a consequence, his August 1st bout against Fedor Emelianenko is off, leaving Affliction promoter and head seamstress Tom Atencio scrambling for a replacement to face the Russian. According to published reports, the specific anime Barnett tested positive for include "Fist of the North Star", "Cowboy Bebop" and "Vampire Hunter D". The former UFC champ also allegedly tested positive for "Akira", but California does not ban "classic anime" for its fighters. No word yet on who might step in to help salvage the suddenly-stricken event on such short notice.

"Kimo Dead!" Says Midget Wrestler

World-renowned Midwest Midget Wrestling Champ of the World and Dairy Queen parking lot denizen Beau "One Man Army" Taylor is reporting that Hawaiian fighting legend Kimo Leopoldo has died of a heart attack, according to every cheese-eating blog and headline-starved newsite on the Internet. A veteran from the UFC's early days, Kimo burst onto the scene with a gutsy performance against Royce Gracie at UFC 3, and despite troubles with drug addiction, the charismatic heavyweight managed to return to MMA numerous times, defeating the likes of Paul Varelans, Tim Lajcik and Tank Abbott, and losing to Ken Shamrock twice. One Man Army, meanwhile, was once voted "Most Likely To Be Unable To Ride The Rollercoaster Because He Is Only This Tall". As of this writing, no one credible has determined if the rumor of Kimo's death is true. Stay tuned for more as the story develops.

From the Mailbag: "What Amateur Loophole?"

"You mentioned in your post on the history of New York underground shows something about an 'amateur MMA loophole in the law'. What amateur loophole?" - R. Davis

I'm going to let you in on a big secret, Mr. Davis. The reason certain underground shows have remained untouched throughout the years is because they've exploited a loophole in the way the law banning MMA in New York State was written. The law, part of the New York Unconsolidated Laws, under the chapter titled "Boxing, Sparring and Wrestling" (Google it you lazy bastard), explicitly bans "combative sports", a.k.a. pro MMA - but it makes no mention of amateur MMA. In fact, later on in that chapter come the words "The provisions of this act... shall not be construed to apply to... any such contest or exhibition where the contestants are all amateurs".

Yeah, you read that correctly. The law that has kept the UFC out of the Empire State since 1997 does not apply to amateurs. And back in 2003, Jerome Becker - who at the time was a New York State Athletic Commissioner - confirmed as much to me over the phone. "We have no jurisdiction over amateur events," he said. "We only have jurisdiction over events where the competitors are paid." An attorney for the New York Department of State agreed, as did an NYPD rep from their Community Affairs office.

When NYSAC General Counsel Hugo Spindola began his crusade to stamp out anything not boxing or wrestling or an "approved martial art", he did so with Cease & Desist letters threatening the gyms hosting the events (note: boxing gyms must get licensed by the commission, and who wants to jeopardize their license for some "underground ultimate fighting" show?). If that didn't work, the State Liquor Authority would step in if the host venue sold liquor, threatening to revoke liquor licenses thanks to a law that banned selling booze at combative sports events of both the pro and amateur variety. At no time has anyone come after promoters of amateur MMA directly. How could they?

This will, of course, all change soon. The new law slowly trudging its way through the State Legislature sews up the loophole by making it all about whether an admission was charged at the door, not if the competitors were paid. But that's progress for you. And anyway, it was a fun ride while it lasted.

Michael Bisping: "I'm Going to Kick Henderson's Ass at UFC 100"

Middleweight Brit and TUF 9 coach Michael Bisping assured fans this past weekend that he'll emerge victorious when he faces Dan Henderson at UFC 100, apparently unaware that the event was a week before and that he'd fought and lost via devastating knockout. According to an interview in the Manchester Times, Bisping declared: "I'm going to kick Henderson's ass at UFC 100. That bloke's got nothing on me. He can't submit me, and he sure can't knock me out." The interviewer avoided addressing the fact that Bisping was, in fact, knocked out - although the article later goes on to quote one of the amnesia-stricken Brit's coaches. "Yeah, he's off his nut," said Paddy McPunchface. "Ain't been the same since." Bisping is tentatively scheduled to compete at UFC 105 in England, although no opponent has been named.

What Now For New Jersey Amateur MMA?

With the loss of Paul Rosner, whose USKBA played a huge role in overseeing amateur MMA in New Jersey, comes the question: "What happens now?" Referees and officials sporting USKBA patches are a fixture at the multitude of Garden State amateur promotions. Will another sanctioning organization step in? According to the NJSACB's Nick Lembo, there's no need, as the commission itself will carry on with training and licensing the inspectors, judges and referees. In other words, it will be business as usual. Rosner may be gone, but his work - and crowning achievement - will live on.