Michael Bisping: "I'm Going to Kick Henderson's Ass at UFC 100"

Middleweight Brit and TUF 9 coach Michael Bisping assured fans this past weekend that he'll emerge victorious when he faces Dan Henderson at UFC 100, apparently unaware that the event was a week before and that he'd fought and lost via devastating knockout. According to an interview in the Manchester Times, Bisping declared: "I'm going to kick Henderson's ass at UFC 100. That bloke's got nothing on me. He can't submit me, and he sure can't knock me out." The interviewer avoided addressing the fact that Bisping was, in fact, knocked out - although the article later goes on to quote one of the amnesia-stricken Brit's coaches. "Yeah, he's off his nut," said Paddy McPunchface. "Ain't been the same since." Bisping is tentatively scheduled to compete at UFC 105 in England, although no opponent has been named.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 100

• The robbery perpetrated in the rendering of the decision for the Yoshihiro Akiyama/Alan Belcher fight was so blatant and egregious that Akiyama now has a felony on his record.
• Dan Henderson may have landed a huge, crowd-pleasing knockout, but he did fans everywhere a great disservice. No way are we going to be able to understand what Michael Bisping says now.
• Next on Ultimate Grip Fighting Championship: Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago. Who will come out on top in the meticulous and pain-staking battle to do nothing but place their hands on various strategic parts of their opponent's body? Stay tuned!
• Georges St. Pierre looked dominant, but that groin injury he sustained was inevitable. No one can dry hump someone for 25 minutes without injuring themselves. No one.
• Coors Lite and banging your wife, eh? Brock, are you telling us this because you feel insecure about that dingling tattooed on your chest? Methinks the wrestler doth protest too much.

Predictions for UFC 100: "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View"

UFC 100 is nearly upon us, and the event - dubbed "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View" - might actually be worth the clams shelled out to watch the damn thing. There are about two and a half main events, with Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir squaring off, Georges St. Pierre and Thiago Alves doing their thang, and Michael Bisping and Dan Hend... zzzzzz. Ahem, anyway, predictions!

• Brock, oh Brock. Brockety-Brock. Brock-brock-brock-bakaw! Brock-the-house, brock-brock-the-house. Brock-and-roll forever, baby!
• Oh yeah, Mir by submission.
• As Alves is more of a striker than a grappler, St. Pierre's technique of slathering himself with Vaseline, baby oil, raw petroleum and margarine will avail him naught. Alves by TKO, and St. Pierre will leave the Octagon a broken man, comforted only by the loving snorts of his moose, Matilda.
• Dan Henderson is getting old but is still tougher than a $2 steak. Bisping's greatest moment was his gritty portrayal of Pikey Number 4 in the movie "Snatch". Hendo by split decision.
• Congratulations Paulo Thiago, you've defeated Josh Koscheck! Your reward: a fatal beating at the hands of Jon Fitch! Yay!
• Yoshihiro Akiyama by JUDO CHOP! Hiyaaa!

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up of Dana White, martini in hand as he stands on a balcony overlooking the Bellagio. Below, the famous choreographed fountain, and as a gentle breeze dances past he looks back at those gathered around him: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Michael Bisping, token Asian dude and some old man. "Gentlemen, I have a plan to knock over the vaults in three casinos," says Dana. "Do you want to be a fucking thief?"

Cue Elvis Presley song remix.

Back at the TUF house, Team America: World Police fighter Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All tries desperately to overcompensate for something. What could it be? "I've humped 70 or 80 girls, man," he says, effeminately stroking himself while humming bars of ABBA's "Dancing Queen". "I don't even know how many girls I've humped," he says as he wraps a pink feather boa around his neck. "I even humped my best friend's wife." A pause as he dons a pair of purple, rhinestone-studded sunglasses. "Seriously, fellas, I am so not gay."

The next day a fight match-up is chosen - Santino DeBrainAneurysmo and Andre The Weiner. These two must not be interesting at all because we get almost no backstory or build-up. One minute they're chosen to fight, the next minute they're fighting. Which, in this instance, is Santino DeBrainAneurysmo once again applying his "go fetal" technique in the hopes that somehow his opponent will leave him for dead and focus on something else, and then... bam! Santino DeBrainAneurysmo attacks him! But no, Andre the Weiner isn't fooled, and the Brit pounds on the American until referee Moustache Mazagatti yells "Where's my moustache?"

Then Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All grabs Mark Miller's butt and nervously repeats, "Screw you guys, I'm not gay. Not gay, not gay, not gay!" And he does a ballet pirouette and sprinkles his teammates with gold sparkles.

Meanwhile, Don Cheadle buys an enormous drill and starts digging a tunnel under the Golden Nugget, while George Clooney compliments Catherine Zeta-Jones on her snappy outfit as the two sip mojitos poolside at Mandalay Bay. At the Hard Rock, Michael Bisping - wearing a bell hop uniform circa 1920 - delivers the luggage of an elderly couple from Wisconsin to their room.

"Guys, we have to stop sucking," says the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) to her Team America: World Police charges. Since there are still castmembers with no interesting backstory whatsoever, another fight is arranged for the episode - the Marquis de Johnson against the British Mr. T. Again, there is zero build-up. One minute their match-up is declared, the next they're in the cage.

Meanwhile, Matt Damon trades witty banter with Brad Pitt. Token Asian dude and old man pop out of a box and release fleas into a hotel room in the Luxor. Michael Bisping finds himself within a casino vault, decked out in SWAT gear and talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. "Awright geeza! So, I loved winnie da pooh in da 'Godfarfer', but Lord Fauntleroy did Sophia Coppola stink. Sorted mated." Like most humans, Andy Garcia can't understand a word Michael Bisping says, and in frustration he throws his cell phone on the floor and smashes it repeatedly with his cane. The Brit leaves the casino vault with bags of money tucked under each arm.

In the Octagon the Marquis de Johnson and the British Mr. T fight. "I pity the chap who fights me!" declares the British Mr. T, and he takes the Marquis de Johnson down and promptly taps out to a triangle choke. Afterwards, everyone wonders why coach Bisping missed the fight.

"In nine seasons of 'The Ultimate Fighter' a coach has never missed a fight," says Dana with a grin. The camera pulls back, revealing him to be surrounded by piles and piles of money.

The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 1

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up shot of Dana White, driven down the mean streets of London to the gym where Michael Bisping practices his best Brad-Pitt-in-"Snatch" accent and sips tea and eats crumpets. They hug, long lost friends in a world where friends curse a lot and feign machismo, and they enter the gym where others of various degrees of fighting prowess and incoherent accents all want to be Dana's friend. "There are 16 of you but only eight are flying back to Las Vegas," says Dana, implying that the others must swim. Or stay there, where their accents will remain unfettered by the shackles of grammar and communicative ability.

"Jolly good," says one, a young lightweight with a handlebar moustache and a bowler atop his head. His name could be Gary Kelly or Grace Kelly or something, and he apparently trains with Bisping, as when he gets knocked out by a fighter from Narnia named Andre Winner, Bisping curses, saying "bollocks" like it means something dirty but it makes me think of buttocks. I laugh. Subtitles dance across the screen whenever a UK fighter talks and I laugh some more.

Others fight, one after the other entering the cage to earn a berth on Team UK, which will match up against Team US this season. Cageside, Dana and Bisping laugh and joke and share odd embraces, while Rich Franklin and the Queen of England sit taking notes (the Queen is sometimes referred to as "Dan". It's never explained why.) Within the Octagon, an assortment of fighters hailing from various UK neighborhoods like Nottingham Forest, the Shire, Middle Earth and Earthsea do battle. A shapeshifting referee, sometimes appearing like an over-tanned Mr. Clean, other times appearing like a smaller man who constantly says "lad", oversees the action.

A Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ named James Wilks tries to steal someone named Che Mills' leg. According to Wikipedia, the Pikey are like gypsies and cannot be trusted. Another fighter named Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap enters the cage and faces a street urchin named Oliver Twist. Oh poor Oliver! Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap feeds Oliver knees, which, as Oliver is but a sad street urchin, is the most he's eaten in weeks. "Please, sir, may I have some more?" Oliver asks meekly, and then the referee declares he's eaten enough and Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap is going to Las Vegas, where he will be tricked into eating urine-soaked fruit and man-splooge.

Meanwhile, Dana and Bisping giggle and whisper in each other's ears, then giggle some more.

Someone with a dire need for a plastic surgeon (or a better plastic surgeon than they already have) talks a lot but loses to a British Mr. T of the A-Team. A member of the Sex Pistols fights, another friend of Bisping except this time Bisping declares that he sucks amidst chuckles and snickers as he and Dana poke and tickle each other like friends are oft to do. Despite his suckiness, the Sex Pistol (Sid Vicious? Johnny Rotten?) wins. Then there are no more fights, and the eight remaining competitors are given jerseys by Bisping and Dana says the F-word. Maybe it's gratuitous, maybe it's necessary. I don't know. Just then, the acid kicks in.

Chris Leben Tests Positive For White Trashiness

UFC 89 main eventer Chris Leben, who turned in a gutsy performance against Michael Bisping at the October 18th UK event despite losing a unanimous decision, has tested positive for white trashiness according to reports. Although he was sporting cornrows and spending an inordinate amount of time in trailer parks, Leben's positive test results comes as a surprise to many - especially to those who had believed his claims that he'd given up manufacturing crystal meth and had gotten his life back on track. "We're disappointed in Chris," said UFC Chief Welfare Check Co-Signer Dana White. "He's apologized and taken responsibility for his actions, but we don't tolerate any white trash in the UFC." As punishment, Leben faces a nine-month suspension, a substantial fine, and must subsist on food stamps.

Observations from My Couch: UFC 89

• This UFC proved to be the most painful to watch ever, as there were no less than three groin shots requiring a brief recovery time. I will be wearing a cup when I watch UFC 90, thank you very much.
• Paul Taylor was robbed when that decision went to Chris Lytle. Where's Scotland Yard when you need them?
• Why does Sokoudjou all of a sudden suck?
• Chris Leben and Michael Bisping fought a fantastic fight and Bisping more than deserved that win. But it really says something when your opponent chases you around the cage with his chin out and hands down, begging you to trade punches with him, and still you can't knock him out. If Bisping ever faces Anderson Silva, he's going to get slaughtered.

Things That Won't Happen at UFC 89

UFC 89. Birmingham, England. SpikeTV. Yeah, right on. Anyway, the following is a list of things that definitely won't happen at the Michael Bisping/Chris Leben headlined event.

1. Chris Leben will not win by omoplata.
2. Michael Bisping will not say anything after the bout that an American will be able to understand.
3. Brandon Vera will not do a victory dance resembling the Cha-Cha or the Charleston. Sadly.
4. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou will not utilize a cloaking device or shoulder-mounted laser.
5. Marcus Davis will not thank the Irish Republican Army for their war against the British.
6. Chris Lytle will not get cut and bleed profusely. Oh, forget that one. He's going to be spurting blood simply from walking to the cage.

Frenchman David Baron Prepared to Retreat, Surrender Against Jim Miller

UFC 89 is nearly upon us, and the Birmingham, England event features a bevy of moderately-talented US and international fighters mixed with scrubs - plus the occasional future star. One such future star is lightweight Jim Miller, a jiu-jitsu bad boy who went from dominating the New Jersey circuit to kicking Bart Palaszewski's ass in the IFL. His opponent for UFC 89: David Baron, a Frenchman with a judo background and a recent win over a past-his-prime Hayato Sakurai. Expect Baron to choke on a baguette, complain about America, and retreat and surrender at the earliest opportunity. UFC 89 will air for free on SpikeTV on Saturday night (on a tape delay), and the main event pits UK "Great White Hope" Michael Bisping against the hard-headed Chris Leben in a bout that promises a lot of crazed looks and unintelligible post-fight speeches.