Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

This week we're introduced to two new members of the TUF house - Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz - with the additions getting an inordinate amount of camera time... time that could be better spent on Kimbo!

Team Rashad is training and everyone is all smiles and love and tender affection while they jog around the training center, occasionally dropping to do a forward roll or pausing for an awkward cartwheel. But beneath that veneer of idyllic happiness lurks something dark. Something unsettling. Yes, Matt Minestrone's shoulder wants to make its presence known, and it does it in the form of complaints ("Ouch, that push-up is going to hurt. Maybe you should give me some ice? Ouch, hitting that heavybag is going to hurt. Can I get a shot of heroin?"). Matt Minestrone brings his shoulder over to coach Rashad Evans and Evans listens to the shoulder drone on.

"Heroin? Really? Man, that's a short-term fix for what could be a long-term problem," says Evans, trying to reason with the shoulder. "Why not just tweak your nipples?"

But Matt Minestrone's shoulder will have none if it, and it points out the fact that it's just a shoulder and it doesn't possess nipples.

Over at Team Rampage, things aren't going too rosy for Zak Jensen in practice. Apparently he sucks, and everyone takes a moment to describe in colorful terms his suckiness. "There's suck, and there's suck," says Scott Garbage. "Zak is SUCK."

"Man, he suck," says coach Quinton Jackson.

Jensen agrees. "Yeah, I really suck."

Back at the house and we're introduced to Zak Jensen's jizz, which is taking a shower when teammate Wes Sims tries to join it. "Zak Jensen, your jizz won't share the damn shower!" Sims bellows. Later on, Jensen retreats to his room to write in his diary. His jizz, meanwhile, joins the rest of the housemates downstairs, and the group shares a laugh at Jensen's expense. "Holy crap does Zak suck!" Zack Jensen's jizz proclaims. Everyone cracks up.

At that point incomprehensible Brit James McSweeney says something into the camera, but outside of those intoxicated and watching in pubs, no one understands him.

Back to Matt Minestrone's shoulder, which is chilling in the pool casually shooting basketballs into a hoop. Women in bikinis prance around. A midget shakes a bottle of Moet champagne and the ensuing spray fills the air. At one point it looks like Matt Minestrone's shoulder is filming a rap video.

Later on in the training center, Matt Minestrone walks up to coach Evans. "I don't think I can punch today. My shoulder needs ice."

"Yeah," Matt Minestrone's shoulder chimes in.

Evans looks at Matt Minestrone, at Matt Minestrone's shoulder, then back at Matt Minestrone. "You two are weird," he says.

It's time to choose who's fighting who, and as Evans' team has been kicking ass, Evans gets to make the pick. He names Wes Sims and Justin Wren as the next two warriors to grace the cage. What? Why the hell did we have all this drama involving Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz? Why aren't the shoulder and the jizz fighting?

Some quick backstory on Sims and Justin Wren: Sims is tall and goofy, trains with the Hammer House but cannot wrestle, fought Frank Mir in the UFC twice, and was homeless prior to getting into the TUF house. Justin Wren is both Greek and Roman and he wrestles.

Close up of Kimbo sitting on a couch. "I just want to fight again," he says. Yes, Kimbo. And every employee of SpikeTV from the executives on down to the night cleaning lady wants you to fight again, too.

Sims lets everyone know that he wants to make an impression by winning big or losing big, and though he'd prefer to win, he's not afraid to make a statement by losing. As an exclamation point, he stands up and flexes like a pro wrestler.

At the official weigh-ins Sims and Justin Wren strip down to their underwear, "underwear" a subjective term and in this instance a distant relative to the purple monstrosity and the butt-flosser we're forced to look at when Sims and Justin Wren step on the scale. Everyone hoots and hollers, including Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz.

And then it's fight time, and after the two engage along the cage and Justin Wren gets the takedown, Sims gets his wish re: making an impression. Thanks to an arm-triangle choke, the tall and goofy UFC vet is left unconscious on the canvas. It takes paramedics 20 minutes to revive him.

Just like in the last episode, coach Jackson refuses to come to the aid of his fallen fighter, and afterwards Evans confronts him in the hallway. "That's some crappy coaching-style you got there," he says.

Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz walk by. "Yeah, man," they say in unison. "You suck."

The end.

Chuck Liddell Booted from "Dancing with the Stars"; Door Now Open for "Chuck & Kate Plus 8"

Former UFC light-heavyweight champ Chuck Liddell reached the end of the line last night on "Dancing with the Stars", suffering a TKO at the hands of judges unappreciative of his ability - or lack thereof - to tango, do a two-step, breakdance and bust out with a Jitterbug. But all is not lost for the erstwhile MMA star. According to entertainment industry magazine "Variety", the "Iceman" has been fielding offers from a wealth of popular television shows, and may be taking over as the father of fraternal twins and sextuplets in the program formally known as "Jon & Kate Plus 8". "'Chuck & Kate Plus 8' is just one of the opportunities we're considering," said Liddell's agent, Larry Gershfeld. "Right now Chuck is hot. He can fight and he can dance, and people want to know what else he can do. Can he handle eight kids? Is he funny enough to be the last comic standing? Can he cook in Hell's Kitchen? Could he be America's next top model? I don't know, but if the money's right, the world is going to find out!" While it remains unclear when, and if, Liddell will return to MMA, one thing is certain: we haven't seen the last of the Iceman looking silly.

New York Underground MMA Community to Counter November 7th CBS/Strikeforce with Two Shows

The war between Strikeforce and the New York underground MMA community is heating up, with two underground promotions going head to head against the November 7th Strikeforce show that's scheduled to be broadcast on CBS. "Scott Coker wants a war? I'll give him a war," said one of the promoters, who asked to keep his identity a secret. "Sure, people are going to want to watch Fedor fight Brett Rogers on TV, but they can record that and watch it later. We're going to have real live fights where if you sit close enough you'll get splattered with blood!" No further details have been released concerning the underground shows, such as who may be competing, although it is known that the Brooklyn event is slated for the afternoon while the Long Island event will take place at night. Stay tuned for more info as it becomes available.

Pennsylvania MMA Coverage

Pennsylvania's MMA scene has exploded thanks to the sport's legalization there, but alas, the Keystone State is way too far for me to drive. Thankfully, that's where www.MAMMA-Online.com comes in, a blog that specializes in fight shows in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland and Delaware. Rock on, I say. Rock on.

Observations From My Couch: WEC 43

• What a war Ben Henderson and Don Cerrone had, eh? I had no problem with the judges' decision - Henderson took the first three rounds and Cerrone creamed him in the last two.
• Scott Jorgensen is very disconcerting.
• Rich Crunkilton dished it out to Dave Jansen. Whoever that judge was that scored it 30-27 in Jansen's favor not only smokes crack, but deals it from the passenger seat of their minivan.
• No freakin' way did Yves Jabouin win a single round against Rafael Assuncao. Whoever that judge was that scored it 30-27 in Jabouin's favor not only shoots heroin, but scores it from that sketchy homeless dude who sleeps under the bridge in the park.
• Who the hell is Mackens Semerzier and how the hell did he catch Wagnney Fabiano in a triangle choke?
• Damacio Page pretty much ate Will Campuzano for dinner.

This Week In Surprising News Headlines

Lots of news this week and most of it was surprising, so MMA Journalist has compiled a list of recent headlines - and added comments!

1. "Junie Browning Flips Out, Tries to OD on Drugs and Assaults Hospital Staff" - No way! I never saw this coming. I mean, he seemed like such a stable guy and not white trash at all.
2. "Junie Browning Fired By UFC" - What? Since when is substance abuse, arrest, mental instability and a violent rampage worthy of UFC termination?
3. "Mark Coleman Injures Knee, Bows Out of UFC 106" - The aged wrestler Mark Coleman hurt his knee in training? Unpossible!
4. "Japanese Ref Helps Japanese Fighter Win Japanese Event" - Say what? A Japanese organization not on the up-and-up? That's crazy talk.
5. "Gina Carano to Appear Topless in Magazine" - Never in a million years would I have predicted this one. Never in a million years.
6. "Urijah Faber Signs Multi-Fight Contract with Zuffa" - Pfft. Why on Earth would they want to keep the WEC's most popular fighter on the payroll? That makes no sense.
7. "TUF Ratings Down Now That Kimbo Has Fought" - Really? That can't be. The strength of the show's concept and the magnetism of the remaining competitors should be more than enough to keep viewers coming back for more. Seriously. More than enough.

Predictions for WEC 43: "Does Anyone Really Care?"

Does anyone really care about the WEC scheduled for this Saturday night? I mean, other than the close friends and family of main event fighters Donald Cerrone and Ben Henderson (who no doubt were comped their tickets and will be given a special plastic wristband that allows them to eat from the crew's buffet), is anyone really excited for it? I've set my DVR to record it, but when I pressed the buttons on my remote, my TV asked "Are you serious? Why?" Anyway, predictions!

• Cerrone is going to out-strike Henderson on the feet with his keen Muay Thai and take advantage of him when it hits the ground. But midway through Round 2 the duo is going to pause, look around at the AT&T Center and realize the vast majority of the audience is preoccupied with their IPhones and BlackBerries. That's when Cerrone and Henderson will shake their heads, say "Screw this", and walk out.
• Dave Jansen is going to control Rich Crunkilton with superior grappling and work to secure a submission. When Crunkilton finally taps out, Jansen will rise, stick his hands in the air and exclaim "Yes!" The lifeless venue will echo with the sound of crickets.
• Rafael Assuncao will get Yves Jabouin down and begin to work his jiu-jitsu magic. The referee will halt the action temporarily when a lonely tumbleweed makes its way into the cage.
• Will Campuzano will lose to Damacio Page. But no one will ever know, because no one will have watched it.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 4

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Can a fight show survive after its earth-quaking Kimbo Slice wad has been shot and everyone, from producers to production assistants to cameramen to sound guys to fighters and coaches and athletic commission officials, are struck by the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette and see what's munchable in the fridge? Can the show go on? And will viewers have a reason to tune in?

Doubtful!

After an extended recap of Kimbo's noble and valiant effort against the evil Roy Nelson, we're treated to more of the former backyard brawler talking intimately with his TUF house roommate, Abe Wagner. "I don't feel like I've been eliminated," says Kimbo.

The battered Wagner - whose ass got stomped first this season and is now just counting down the days until he can go back home and manage that Walgreens - stares at him incredulously. "I think this is your coping mechanism for having lost," Wagner offers up, but if he says more, his words are lost once Kimbo starts flexing his biceps and stroking his beard, two actions that elicit "oohs" and "ahhhs" from the off-camera production crew.

Will Kimbo re-enter the competition? For that to happen, one of the remaining contestants must drop out, an idea that induces SpikeTV execs to begin stocking the TUF house with poisoned food in boxes labeled "NOT FOR KIMBO". But before any of the tainted food can be eaten, ex-NFL player Marcus Jones is stricken by a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON, a disease that suddenly drenches him in sweat and prompts Kimbo to perform CPR on him. At the prospect of Kimbo getting to fight again, cheers erupt from the crew, cheers that fade when Marcus Jones recovers.

"Let me step up," Kimbo says to the camera. "Tag me in and I'll guarantee SpikeTV so many viewers, the network's ad sales will get ridiculous." And outside, an executive in a three-piece suit hides in the bushes with a lead pipe, ready to kneecap the first fighter he sees.

At the TUF training center coach Rashad Evans is putting his wards through their paces. He begins to narrate, describing the fighters' strengths and abilities as if he were the leader of a commando unit and these were the soldiers chosen for the upcoming mission. "Justin Wren is a master of demolitions," he says. "He also likes long walks on the beach and can juggle while riding a unicycle." Cut to Brendan Cottonswab, who's lying on his stomach, carefully lining up thousands of dominoes. "Brendan is a sniper. He can also speak old Latin and once crocheted me a sweater out of saved pocket lint." The camera switches to Matt Minestrone. "Matt throws knives. He's also an Italian, tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice."

Coach Evans has his fighters join him and his staff in private to discuss their match-ups. Justin Wren is told he'll be facing his superbestbestfriend Scott Garbage. He initially says yes, but then changes his mind. "He's my superbestbestfriend," and Justin Wren lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a heart with the words "Scott Garbage - superbestbestfriend" in purple letters on his chest.

"That... is very weird," coach Evans admits.

Cut to coach Quinton Jackson. It's his turn to narrate while his fighters have their training montage. "Scott Garbage? He big," says Jackson. "Demico Rogers? He big, too." A series of clips of Marcus Jones stepping on bugs. "Marcus Jones?" says Jackson. "He very big." And that's that.

Back at the TUF house and Matt Minestrone blabs about the match-ups coach Evans has in mind. Somehow this is a big deal. Maybe because no one could've come up with these logical match-ups on their own, or maybe because there are so many fighters in the house and so many match-up permutations available that no one in a million years would've ever guessed that Fighter A would have to face Fighter B. Who knows. Anyway, Matt Minestrone's teammates give him grief about blabbing.

In coach Evans' den of unknown trainers, Matt Minestrone apologizes for letting the cat out of the bag. Evans' accepts his apology and dismisses him, but once Matt Minestrone leaves he ponders aloud, "Is he dumb?"

"No, he's just a tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice," says one of his assistants.

It's time to announce the match-up for the next fight, and coach Evans picks Brendan Cottonswab to face Demico Rogers. To prepare for the bout Brendan Cottonswab walks around the cage with one of the team's assistant coaches telling him how awesome he is. "You're so awesome," whispers the coach. "You're so awesome, you are the yardstick by which 'awesome' is measured. Go to Wikipedia and type in 'awesome' and it links to a picture of you. Dude, you are both 'awe' and 'some', which, when mixed together, makes a volatile elemental compound known as 'Awsm'. When you add water to 'Awsm', it explodes in pure 'awesome'."

On the Team Rampage side, assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden statue of a head - awesome, huh?) advises Demico Rogers to "explode all over his opponent's face." Sigh.

It's almost fight time now, and in the Team Rashad locker room there's hooting and hollering and Brendan Cottonswab is showered with streamers while chicks in bikinis sing karaoke. In Demico Rogers' locker room, coach Jackson is nowhere to be found. Instead, they sit around gloomy and morose, reading old 'Sandman' comic books.

Then they fight. Demico Rogers takes the reins initially with a takedown and some ground and pound, passes guard to drop more leather, and gets greedy and tries to attain mount. Brendan Cottonswab reverses him, slips on an Anaconda Choke and taps him out. Demico Rogers is distraught, and remains on his knees with his head bowed in the Octagon. Coach Jackson ignores him, or perhaps forgets that he's actually one of the coaches this season, so Evans kneels down and consoles the defeated warrior.

Afterwards, Jackson gathers his staff in a room. "Guys, I don't feel so good. We keep losing."

"Really?" says Tiki-Tiki-Head. "There's a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON going around. Maybe you have it."

The end.

CBS To Promote November 7th Strikeforce Show With Telepathy, Astral Projection

In lieu of commercials, print ads and other commonly used methods of marketing, CBS has to decided to promote their November 7th Strikeforce event via telepathic means, according to an astrally projected press release circulated today. The event, which will feature heavyweight top dog Fedor Emelianenko versus Brett Rogers on live television, has thus far had zero promotional support from the Tiffany Network - much to the chagrin of MMA fans and observers alike. But today's astrally projected release seems to go a long way towards allaying any fears that CBS isn't completely behind the event or that they're setting Strikeforce up to fail. "We at CBS are firmly committed to giving this momentous fight show the push it deserves," said a network spokesperson who appeared in the dreams of dozens of sports writers. "In the coming weeks, a legion of telepaths will be broadcasting their positive Fedor Emelianenko thoughts to the world, and come November 7th, just about anyone with a TV set will have the uncontrollable urge to tune in." Though it's unclear how effective this method of advertising is, it's comforting to know CBS is at least doing something.

There's a WEC This Saturday. No, Really, There Is.

Believe or not, there's a WEC this Saturday. No, really, there is. Surprising, huh? Donald Cerrone and Ben Henderson are headlining, with the winner earning himself an interim lightweight championship belt, and the undercard features such world-renown superstars as Rich Crunkilton, Damacio Page and Rafael Assuncao - names so big most fans shudder at their mere utterance. Wait, what's that? What does any of this have to do with Kimbo Slice's pre-recorded bout from three months ago or Chuck Liddell doing the tango like a spaz? Absolutely nothing... which is probably why the Zuffa-owned promotion has gotten zero push and less than zero media attention. And that just begs the question: why bother? Why bother having this lackluster event when not even Youngstown, Ohio cared enough to by a single ticket when it was supposed to happen there? And why bother having someone other the organization's "big" names (like Urijah Faber, Mike Brown or even Jens Pulver) fight when no one outside of the hardcore fan would even know who Cerrone and Henderson are? I honestly don't know, but if you have an answer, email it to mma_journalist@yahoo.com . Enquiring minds want to know.