Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 7

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

At what point does a douchebag become a douchebag? Is it ever cool to be a douchbag? How far can a douchebag go in being a douchebag and still succeed? If a douchebag falls over in the woods and no TUF cameramen are around to film it, did it actually fall? All these questions and more are addressed on this week's episode of VH1: Behind the Music's "Ultimate Douchebag - The Early Years". But first...

Still in full-on Red Bull-induced hysteria mode, Quinton Jackson engages in a verbal sparring match with Rashad Evans, the former imitating the latter's knocked out form after he fought Lyoto Machida, the latter pointing out that the former ain't no coach. That's right, Evans has said it: Jackson ain't no coach. The words hang there in the air, rendering the atmosphere in the TUF training center thick and gloomy and unpalatable to those stuck within the confines of this godforsaken competition. Jackson's team has lost every match-up thus far and the Pride veteran doesn't give a crap anymore, doesn't even want to show up for his fighters' bouts or comfort them in the cage after they've inevitably lost. Jackson has checked out, has moved on to his next role (as Othello in Martin Scorcese's "Othello the Moor", check your local listings), and this stint on TUF 10 is just something to pass the time.

"I'll kick your ass," says Jackson.

"Costa Mesa Police Department," says Evans. "Let me see your license and registration."

And at that Jackson crumbles, a whimpering, cringing wreck, reflexively lying face-down on the floor while muttering, "Don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me."

Now it's time for the fight selection, and as Team Rampage has lost everything even remotely resembling a competitive combative sport contest, Evans still gets to choose. He selects Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone. Our journey of douchebaggery begins!

Back at the TUF house Matt Minestrone hands Scott Garbage a note. "Dear Scott: I love you," it reads, and the other members of the house are scandalized.

"What a scumbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.

At the TUF training center Team Rashad informs Evans of the note. Evans calls Matt Minestrone into his office and chastises him. "Look, you can love anyone you want, but you need to fight first."

"I know what I'm doing in my own head," replies Matt Minestrone. "I hear voices, but fighting silences them. Also, I can make phone calls telepathically."

Evans stares at him like he's a giant pigeon that just took a dump on his car. "You are both wierd and a douchebag."

The TUF house, and now Matt Minestrone is drinking orange juice. Apparently it's not his, apparently John Madsen went out and bought it himself with his own damn money and the juice was not provided by the show's staff, because John Madsen gets all bent out of shape. "You're a douchebag. I should slap your pretty face," he says. Matt Minestrone doesn't like that, so when they're back at the training center and the two suit up for sparring, Matt Minestrone actually spars.

"Wah! You're being a douchebag!" says John Madsen, and Matt Minestrone storms off to the office. Again, Evans confronts him.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't even fought yet and you're creeping people out with your douchebagness. Save it for your opponent!"

"What a dirtbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.

Once more we're back at the house, this time by the pool, where an audience of castmates have gathered to watch Matt Minestrone shoot some hoops on the basketball court. Oh, and also, Wes Sims is apparently a ninja, and in his ninja garb he stealthily stalks the oblivious Matt Minestrone... to hug him. That's it. All he does is sneak up on Matt Minestrone and hug him.

"You're doing it wrong!" screams mulleted ex-ninja Scott Morris from his trailer in Des Moines, and he emphasizes his disapproval by tossing a half-empty can of Schlitz at his television.

"Duh, I am going to punch him in the face," says Scott Garbage, but real slow, like he's developmentally disabled or something.

"What a dingbat!" declares Mike Wessel. "The line is, 'What a douchebag!'" a producer whispers from off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.

Fight time! But prior to everyone wrapping their hands and warming up, Matt Minestrone informs coach Evans that he's telepathically called his wife.

"My wife?" says Evans. "Man, you are a total douchebag."

Referee Josh RosencrantzandGuildenstern starts the action, "action" the operative word here, and Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone engage in the sloppiest, ugliest, most cardio-lacking, technique-lacking brawl to ever grace the Octagon. In between rounds Dana White exclaims it's the best fight ever - a sure sign of its suckage - and when the fight resumes it only gets sloppier and uglier. Matt Minestrone wins the decision, "win" the operative word here.

"Homestar Runner dot net," says Mike Wessel. "I mean, dot com." "Cut!" shouts the TUF producer from off-camera.

And Jackson wrecks a door.

The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

After realizing that Kimbo's fight was the high-point of the season and it will only be a suckfest from here on out, Darrill Spoonodor attempts to find solace in a bottle of booze. Actually, many bottles of booze. And beer. And sangria. And Bartles & James wine coolers. And Boones Farm. "Blimey, Darrill fancies ter missin' link a hoppin' pot ov de booze, innit?" says James McSweeney.

Um, what?

Anyway, Team Rashad gathers for practice, Darrill by now intoxicated out of his mind, stumbling about and muttering something about "Winky-Dinky Dogs". Coach Evans ignores him, even when his heavyweight ward vomits on assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale, and the ex-champ introduces guest coach Kru Phil Nurse, who teaches Team Rashad about greasing and other anti-grappling techniques. Immediately, Kru Phil Nurse begins rubbing everyone down with Vaseline.

Team Rampage, meanwhile, is having a hard time coping with their nonstop string of losses, and coach Jackson, on day nine of another sleepless, Red Bull-fueled bender, begins to hallucinate. The focus of his hallucinations: Darrill Spoonodor's chest, which in his addled mind resemble "titties". "Titties!" Jackson calls out to Darrill Spoonodor's chest. He attempts to suckle, but the drunken TUF contestant rebuffs him. "Titties!" Jackson cries.

Then everyone lines up for the "Which Rampage Fighter Is Going To Get Beat Next?" ceremony, and as Team Rashad has the ball, coach Evans gets to choose. He picks Darrill Spoonoder to face Zak Jensen, wildly believed to be the weakest link of Team Rampage - nay, the entire TUF house - nay, the entire world. Zak Jensen is purported to be a delicate flower, capable of much love and caring and absolutely zero fighting. At that point Darrill Spoonodor begins shouting at a heavybag and gesticulating wildly. "You son of bitch, you've been staring at me all night. You think you're tough? I'll kick your ass!" Except Darrill Spoonodor is pretty far gone at this point, so when he talks it sounds like his cheeks are full of bar pretzels. And maybe they are.

"Titties!" wails Jackson. "Titties, titties, titties!" He begins waving around dollar bills in a vain effort to get Darrill Spoonodor to dance for him.

Back at the house and everyone is counting down the minutes until Zak Jensen crumbles. Wes Sims starts a pool, marking off on a calendar each housemate's guess. Some wager sooner. Some wager later. Zak Jensen himself even marks off a day on the calendar, then returns to his poetry in the bunk above Wes Sims.

It's training time, and again we're treated to more reasons as to why Zak Jensen sucks. But when he's accidently cut above the eye during a scramble, we're given hope: could this be Kimbo Slice's opening to re-enter the competition? Sorry, Kimbo, no way. If you were going to fight, this episode would have garnered another massive bombardment of SpikeTV press releases hyping the show. And that obviously didn't happen.

Hijinks at the TUF training center! While coach Evans has brought in Kru Phil Nurse to help out his team of upstarts, Team Rampage assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head his a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. Word? Yeah, word.) has brought in a cartoonist. Hmmmm... If Team Rampage members keep losing by submission and their coaching staff consequently provides them with a cartoonist, what would the coaching staff have provided if they kept losing by strikes? A violinist? A giraffe? Anyway, the cartoonist draws caricatures of the various members of Team Rashad, with Darrill Spoonodor in a bra.

"Titties!" Rampage implores, and he begins dry humping a nearby stationary bike.

Thankfully, it's fight time, and Zak Jensen and Darrill Spoonodor enter the cage. By now Darrill Spoonodor is so shitfaced he can barely see, and he's moving like Daffy Duck after Daffy's been hit with a tranquilizer dart, i.e., soooo slowwwwwww. But it doesn't matter. He punches Zak Jensen in the face, and when Zak Jensen takes him down, he slaps on the slowest triangle choke known to man - a triangle choke Zak Jensen does nothing to avoid. Eleven minutes later and Zak Jensen is asleep. Darrill Spoonodor again vomits, and grabs a nearby production assistant and snuggles with him in a corner. "You sure look pretty..." Darrill Spoonodor says to the hapless man before drifting off into alcohol-induced unconsciousness.

"Titties?" Jackson says, the hurt and confusion in his voice clear as day. "Titties, I - I loved you."

The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 4

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Can a fight show survive after its earth-quaking Kimbo Slice wad has been shot and everyone, from producers to production assistants to cameramen to sound guys to fighters and coaches and athletic commission officials, are struck by the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette and see what's munchable in the fridge? Can the show go on? And will viewers have a reason to tune in?

Doubtful!

After an extended recap of Kimbo's noble and valiant effort against the evil Roy Nelson, we're treated to more of the former backyard brawler talking intimately with his TUF house roommate, Abe Wagner. "I don't feel like I've been eliminated," says Kimbo.

The battered Wagner - whose ass got stomped first this season and is now just counting down the days until he can go back home and manage that Walgreens - stares at him incredulously. "I think this is your coping mechanism for having lost," Wagner offers up, but if he says more, his words are lost once Kimbo starts flexing his biceps and stroking his beard, two actions that elicit "oohs" and "ahhhs" from the off-camera production crew.

Will Kimbo re-enter the competition? For that to happen, one of the remaining contestants must drop out, an idea that induces SpikeTV execs to begin stocking the TUF house with poisoned food in boxes labeled "NOT FOR KIMBO". But before any of the tainted food can be eaten, ex-NFL player Marcus Jones is stricken by a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON, a disease that suddenly drenches him in sweat and prompts Kimbo to perform CPR on him. At the prospect of Kimbo getting to fight again, cheers erupt from the crew, cheers that fade when Marcus Jones recovers.

"Let me step up," Kimbo says to the camera. "Tag me in and I'll guarantee SpikeTV so many viewers, the network's ad sales will get ridiculous." And outside, an executive in a three-piece suit hides in the bushes with a lead pipe, ready to kneecap the first fighter he sees.

At the TUF training center coach Rashad Evans is putting his wards through their paces. He begins to narrate, describing the fighters' strengths and abilities as if he were the leader of a commando unit and these were the soldiers chosen for the upcoming mission. "Justin Wren is a master of demolitions," he says. "He also likes long walks on the beach and can juggle while riding a unicycle." Cut to Brendan Cottonswab, who's lying on his stomach, carefully lining up thousands of dominoes. "Brendan is a sniper. He can also speak old Latin and once crocheted me a sweater out of saved pocket lint." The camera switches to Matt Minestrone. "Matt throws knives. He's also an Italian, tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice."

Coach Evans has his fighters join him and his staff in private to discuss their match-ups. Justin Wren is told he'll be facing his superbestbestfriend Scott Garbage. He initially says yes, but then changes his mind. "He's my superbestbestfriend," and Justin Wren lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a heart with the words "Scott Garbage - superbestbestfriend" in purple letters on his chest.

"That... is very weird," coach Evans admits.

Cut to coach Quinton Jackson. It's his turn to narrate while his fighters have their training montage. "Scott Garbage? He big," says Jackson. "Demico Rogers? He big, too." A series of clips of Marcus Jones stepping on bugs. "Marcus Jones?" says Jackson. "He very big." And that's that.

Back at the TUF house and Matt Minestrone blabs about the match-ups coach Evans has in mind. Somehow this is a big deal. Maybe because no one could've come up with these logical match-ups on their own, or maybe because there are so many fighters in the house and so many match-up permutations available that no one in a million years would've ever guessed that Fighter A would have to face Fighter B. Who knows. Anyway, Matt Minestrone's teammates give him grief about blabbing.

In coach Evans' den of unknown trainers, Matt Minestrone apologizes for letting the cat out of the bag. Evans' accepts his apology and dismisses him, but once Matt Minestrone leaves he ponders aloud, "Is he dumb?"

"No, he's just a tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice," says one of his assistants.

It's time to announce the match-up for the next fight, and coach Evans picks Brendan Cottonswab to face Demico Rogers. To prepare for the bout Brendan Cottonswab walks around the cage with one of the team's assistant coaches telling him how awesome he is. "You're so awesome," whispers the coach. "You're so awesome, you are the yardstick by which 'awesome' is measured. Go to Wikipedia and type in 'awesome' and it links to a picture of you. Dude, you are both 'awe' and 'some', which, when mixed together, makes a volatile elemental compound known as 'Awsm'. When you add water to 'Awsm', it explodes in pure 'awesome'."

On the Team Rampage side, assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden statue of a head - awesome, huh?) advises Demico Rogers to "explode all over his opponent's face." Sigh.

It's almost fight time now, and in the Team Rashad locker room there's hooting and hollering and Brendan Cottonswab is showered with streamers while chicks in bikinis sing karaoke. In Demico Rogers' locker room, coach Jackson is nowhere to be found. Instead, they sit around gloomy and morose, reading old 'Sandman' comic books.

Then they fight. Demico Rogers takes the reins initially with a takedown and some ground and pound, passes guard to drop more leather, and gets greedy and tries to attain mount. Brendan Cottonswab reverses him, slips on an Anaconda Choke and taps him out. Demico Rogers is distraught, and remains on his knees with his head bowed in the Octagon. Coach Jackson ignores him, or perhaps forgets that he's actually one of the coaches this season, so Evans kneels down and consoles the defeated warrior.

Afterwards, Jackson gathers his staff in a room. "Guys, I don't feel so good. We keep losing."

"Really?" says Tiki-Tiki-Head. "There's a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON going around. Maybe you have it."

The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Kimbo Slice is going to face off against Roy Nelson in the Octagon - let the damage control begin!

Fade in to the TUF House, to Kimbo relaxed on a bed and waxing poetic to his teammate Abe Wagner about life, love and facial hair. "My beard is actually named Kimbo, yo," he says. "My real name is Kevin Ferguson, but everyone assumes Kimbo Slice is my alias." He shakes his head, his white Muslim skullcap moving back and forth on his Charlie Brown pillow atop Snoopy bedsheets. "My beard is the one named Kimbo Slice. We're like two different entities. It's even got its own Social Security number. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Abe Wagner looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

Kimbo, this time alone, speaks of existentialism. Of the duality of man. He kneels beside his bed and prays, then talks of the world being his enemy. His "inner me" being the enemy. The world needing an enema. Himself needing an enema. Of Def Leppard's 1987 single "Animal". The world needing rock anthems. Himself worshipping the Egyptian god Anubis.

The cameraman steps in front of the camera, stares into the lens and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

Cut to the housemates ruminating on what a great fight Kimbo vs. Nelson will be, and how it could be on pay-per-view. From behind a closed door Nelson can be heard weeping at paydays lost and all-you-can-eat buffets gone untouched. "Goddamn TUF contract..."

At the TUF training center Team Rashad talks of their great strides with Nelson, and how he at first resisted the infamous "nipple tweak" fans often witness a Greg Jackson-trained fighter doing before he charges into battle. But they've broken down Nelson's barriers, these coaches who know one knows, and now Nelson will tweak his nipples freely and fervently.

Keith Jardine, Coach Rashad Evans' mate from New Mexico, shows up to shake hands and steal gym supplies. Evans greets him with affection, tweaking his nipples and directing him to Quinton Jackson in some misguided attempt at mind games (Jardine lost to Jackson when they fought at UFC 96 - how is that supposed to mess with Jackson?). Regardless, more jovial words are exchanged between the two coaches, soft insults wrapped in smirks and grins, no doubt prompted by Dana White offscreen, who must remind Evans and Jackson daily that they're supposed to generate heat and conflict for this season or else they'll end up with an audience indifferent to their pairing (like last season's Dan Henderson/Michael Bisping escapade). At that point Evans' other mate, Brit James McSweeney, chimes in, but no one understands him and his words are lost.

Back to Kimbo, who is training hard-ish for his upcoming bout. Assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - crazy, huh?) instructs the former backyard brawler on the finer points of having bigger men hug you and lie on top of you, and implores Kimbo to "do whatever comes natural." At that, Kimbo - mounted by a teammate - reaches into his waistband and pulls out a handgun. He fires four shots into the teammate's stomach. "Excellent! Great job!" says Tiki-Tiki-Head.

Kimbo's wounded teammate, guts in hand, looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

In a set-up for the next or perhaps future episodes, we're introduced to another ex-NFL player. He likes flowers. Also, his knee hurts. Could he be bow out of the competition to allow someone who lost another chance? Stay tuned!

As Kimbo's perspective has dominated the airtime of this episode, it's time for a little back story on his foe, IFL heavyweight champ Nelson. "My name is Roy Nel-" And then the camera goes back to Kimbo, stating why he believes his beard deserves a Nobel Prize.

Fight time, and Rampage has shaved his head so his hairstyle mimics that of his fighter. Kimbo's beard growls. Nelson, meanwhile, seems a little peeved the cameramen have been swarming around Kimbo like flies on a chocolate cake. Other than Jacob "Stitch" Duran doing a quick sketch with crayons, the rotund Nelson has gotten zero attention.

"I'm so excited for this fight," says Dana White. "On the one hand, Kimbo sucks - like I said when he was fighting for other promotions. But on the other hand, he's the greatest fighter that ever lived. Especially now that he's a UFC employee."

And then it's on. From their corner, Team Rampage shouts vital instructions and advice, like "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" or "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" But Kimbo ignores them, instead opting to lie on his back with Nelson's gigantic belly in his face, Nelson all the while patting him gently on the head. This goes on well into the second round (as Kimbo is unable to reach the handgun tucked into his waistband with Nelson pinning his arms), and finally referee Herb Dean Jellybean has seen enough. The best, most experienced fighter in the TUF House has won via TKO.

Dana White rises to his feet, applauding. "That was fantastic! Kimbo Slice looked like a warrior, and I can't wait for him to headline a UFC pay-per-view!"

And the entire cast and crew turn to the camera and simultaneously mouth "What the fuck?"

ION to Counterprogram TUF 10 Kimbo vs. Nelson Episode with "Golden Girls" Marathon

In an effort to counterprogram what is sure to be a monumental ratings draw, the Christian network ION has scheduled a "Golden Girls" marathon opposite tomorrow night's highly-anticipated TUF 10 episode featuring Kimbo Slice versus Roy Nelson on SpikeTV. It's a bold move. As promised by last week's TUF episode, the former backyard brawler and IFL champ are slated to meet in the Octagon - a hefty match-up for a reality show and a pairing that could conceivably have been a headliner in any other promotion. Said an ION spokesperson, "No way should SpikeTV dominate the coveted 'men ages 18-34' demographic. Hopefully, this Golden Girls marathon will put a damper on their market share." The Golden Girls, which starred Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur, Betty White and Rue McClanahan, was a late '80s sitcom featuring old people doing old stuff.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 2

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Last week was all about the Man-Love Dry Hump, but there will be none of that this week. No siree. Instead, we get a bit more Kimbo, some Roy "Big Country-Fried Steak" Nelson, a TUF 9 Team UK leftover and a towering behemoth with no cardio. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. No lungs at all.

Coach Quinton Jackson and his lieutenant Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - weird, huh?) train Kimbo on the art of avoiding getting raped by a dude, instructing him to push on the head and scramble out. If that doesn't work, use pepper spray, blow your rape whistle, and consider getting a good therapist. People are starting to come around about Kimbo, reconsidering their initial opinions of him being a thug and his beard some sort of sinister homage to the Taliban. Brandon Cottonswab even goes so far as to hand the former backyard brawler a valentine with "I Heart Kimbo" scrawled on it.

Meanwhile, Team Rashad trains and everyone loves each other and gives each other back rubs, but being a cut above the other contestants sets Roy "Big Country-Fried Steak" apart from the others, and he lets them know this. Also, he eats a production assistant, and the young P.A.'s cries from within Nelson's belly are disconcerting.

"I can't train you," says one of Coach Rashad Evans' lieutenants. "You know too much, you eat people whole, and all day long we have to listen to them cry from inside you while they're being digested. You're like a bipedal Sarlacc Pit monster, and if you don't stop I'm going to get Andrei Arlovski to knock you out again." At that, Nelson promises to play nicer with the other kids.

Jackson is in charge of picking the match-up for this week, and he chooses Rashad's British TUF 9 Team UK wanna-be James "Mike Bisping Foreva" McSweeney to face his pet mutant Johnny Asthma. Johnny Asthma used to play in the NFL, but he was cut when they realized he had no lungs. Seriously. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. Nothing in there at all. McSweeney and Johnny Asthma do the ceremonial pose down and already the eight-feet tall Johnny Asthma is winded.

Everyone trains a little. Medicine balls go flying. Push-ups. Sweat glistening on Kimbo's beard. Nelson licks his chops at a camera man. Brandon Cottonswab twirling nunchucks. Assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale making everyone shoot takedowns on trees. Someone straps a flamethrower on their back and incinerates a heavy bag.

Then it's fight time. Coach Evans trains with McSweeney back in the real world, so he's expecting great things from his mate. The towering Johnny Asthma enters the cage and already he can't breath. They square off, the referee gives them the signal, and they engage. Well, sort of. Johnny Asthma is huge, and dangerous when there's still oxygen being fed into his bloodstream, so he initially manages to bully McSweeney around by using his gigantic limbs and circus-freak show mass. But McSweeney survives, survives a lame keylock attempt, survives a rear naked choke attempt and being mounted, and once Johnny Asthma has no more gas (really, none. Nada. Nothing. Zippity-do-da.), it's all about the Brit throwing a kick here and there and waiting to catch his breath while the Team Rampage fighter dies a slow, oxygen-less death within the cage.

This goes on for far too long. As he's begun to turn purple from his diminished lung capacity, Johnny Asthma looks horrid. As he cannot seem to finish a near-dead opponent and is gassed himself, McSweeney looks awful. And though McSweeney garners the majority decision when the scorecards are read, the only real winners here are the other fighters in the house, for the bar has now been set lower than ever and everyone else couldn't be as bad, right? Right?

The two teams are gathered together again to announce the next fight. Unorthodox? Yes, but only one match-up could warrant such a thing: Kimbo is going to face Roy "Big Country-Fried Steak" Nelson. Fade to black.

Observations From My Couch: TUF 9 Finale

• Based on Joe Rogan's commentary during the Joe Stevenson/Nate Diaz fight, I think I'm going to count that bout as a win for Nick Diaz.
• Ross Pearson and Andre Winner had the kind of battle fans only dream of. Literally. They dream of that kind of fight because they've fallen asleep with the TV on.
• Why does Kevin Burns hate Chris Lytle's nuts so much? Is there history there?
• Did DeMarques Johnson not train for the TUF 9 finale? Did he forget he had one more bout to go to be crowned "The Ultimate Fighter"?
• I don't know what was crazier - the fact that Diego Sanchez beat the hell out of Clay Guida, or the fact that Guida just kept coming and coming. Solid fight.

TUF 9 Finale to Feature... Er, Um... Someone

The finale for the ninth season of "The Ultimate Fighter" is Saturday night on SpikeTV, and the Diego Sanchez/Clay Guida-headlined event will see two lightweights and two welterweights compete for the eponymous title and some sort of faux-lucrative contract. So, um, who exactly is fighting? In case you watched all 12 episodes of TUF 9 and still don't know (which is likely), MMA Journalist has put all the pertinent facts in one place. Your latest batch of potential Ultimate Fighters are:

• Ross Pearson - A lightweight Brit with the kind of accent reserved for London vagrants and chimney sweeps, Pearson is a wrestling anomaly capable of taking opponents down and pounding on them but incapable of holding in a mouthpiece. Don't ask.
• Andre Winner - Sorry, no clue. I think he's a Brit who hates chicken curry and likes flour, though.
• DeMarques Johnson - The cream of this season's American crop, which is like saying one toothless Atlantic City hooker is better than another. I think he can strike well, but not well enough that any other 170 pounders currently on the UFC's roster have to worry.
• James Wilks - This Brit made it into the finale by beating the same dude twice. And it was a closer fight the second time around. Really, that says it all there.

Additional TUF 10 Contestants Revealed

SpikeTV has revealed the identities of more competitors for the upcoming tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter", adding fuel to the already smoldering fire of anticipation for a season that will feature the wildly popular Kimbo Slice as a contestant. Joining Slice within the confines of the TUF House will be Big Mac, Afropuff and "The Bouncer" - three heavyweights who fought and lost to Slice in a backyard, a boatyard and on someone's lawn during his days as a street-brawler and Internet sensation. Said SpikeTV programming executive John Francis Dolemite, "Kimbo is one of the most famous, and most skilled, fighters in the world, and what better way to prove that than to pit him against warriors of comparable skill? Prior victories notwithstanding, Kimbo will have a tough time in the Octagon if he steps into the cage with these overweight but menacing men. A real tough time." No word yet if TUF 10 will allow a "Chill Dawg" rule, though the producers have installed a "metal thing" in the TUF House for contestants to watch out for.

Dana White Changes Tune, Declares Kimbo Slice "Best Heavyweight Ever"

In a sudden reversal of position, UFC Chief Schizophrenic Dana White has declared Kimbo Slice "the best heavyweight ever", and has opened up his checkbook to entice the former EliteXC star into participating in the tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter". The words of praise are a stark contrast to the opinion White touted when Slice headlined two CBS-broadcasted fight cards, an opinion which included such descriptives as "garbage", "trash", "talentless", "not a real fighter" and "I hate him, he's doo-doo". Now, however, when faced with a stale reality TV show format and stagnant ratings, that tune has changed. "Kimbo Slice is a great man," said White. "And not just a great man, but a humanitarian, a philanthropist, a philatelist and a stud. The UFC is lucky to have him." TUF 10 will also feature Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Rashad Evans as coaches, and is slated to air on SpikeTV after White's medication wears off.

Race Angle to Play No Role at All in TUF 10

The race angle will play no role at all in the tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter", despite the fact that Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Rashad Evans have been tapped to be opposing coaches, according to a statement released by SpikeTV. Said producer Emile Whitey Jones, "We are very pleased with how the show is shaping up. No single demographic is being pandered to. This will be a season everyone will find entertaining." TUF 10 will feature a fresh crop of heavyweights only, with a number of contestants hailing from NFL backgrounds. Rumored guest coaches include Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, Chuck D from the rap group "Public Enemy" and that Rastaman bike messenger who you buy weed from once a month. The first episode is slated to air in September.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 9

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

So Team America: World Police is left without a fighter after Dana White has declared Jason Pierce too sad to compete. Poor Jason Pierce. As the Smurf destined to hate everything - including his injured foot, competing, the Octagon, human beings and TUF contracts - his lot in life is a dismal one. His teammates opt to kill him for his inability to muster a positive outlook, so he's weighted down with chains tied to cinderblocks and dropped into the pool.

Cue sad music. Okay, cut.

Dana calls Mark Miller into his lair and asks him if he wants to be a fucking fighter. "My nose hurts," replies Miller. "Plus, I knocked out Josh Neer in the IFL two years ago, so I pretty much peaked then."

"Right," says Dana, who then poses the same profanity-ridden question to Frank Loser. "Yes sir I do want to fight!" replies Frank Loser. "I lost my teeth in my fight a couple days ago, my face is sore and on the verge of failing off, my colon aches and I think I may have scurvy and gout, but I do want to fight!"

So Dana allows Frank Loser to fill in for the irreversibly depressed Jason Pierce, who by now is being picked apart by the hermit crabs that reside in the bottom of the TUF house pool.

Then there's some drama concerning who has to wake up early, with the Queen of England (Dan?) talking so slow a passing tortoise pauses, rears up on its hindclaws and declares, "Damn. Speed it up, will ya?" Apparently the Queen wants Team America: World Police to sleep later, but Team UK coach Michael Bisping doesn't want this whole coaching thing to get in the way of his morning snuggles with Dana White, where the two climb into a single purple Slanket and share a croissant while watching the Today Show. Bisping says no, then suggests that the impending match between Frank Loser and the garble-mouthed David Faulkner settle the issue. None of that flies, so in desperation he viciously attacks the Marquis de Johnson with water squirted from a bottle. The Marquis take 22 hit points of damage and must make a saving throw vs. water bottles, but after the Queen remarks that Bisping is acting like a child and seems to have a thing against royalty, the Brit apologizes. Or something. Who knows. Anyway, Team America: World Police gets to sleep later and Bisping's Slanket sessions with Dana suffer.

And what of that coveted homosexual demographic? What nod to them for this week's episode? It's the gag reflex! David Faulkner still can't keep things in his mouth, so he's sent to a hypnotist. Faulkner narrates in a form of English virtually unspoken since the Battle of Hastings in 1066, peppering his tale with a bunch of words like "ye" and "olde" and "forced to fellate a baguette as a childe" while he's put into some sort of faux-trance by a witch doctor. Is he healed? Doubtful, although he no longer has the urge to smoke and will cluck like a chicken whenever someone says "sandwich".

Then it's fight time, with a dearly departed Mask from Tapout cageside for what turns out to be a sloppy but entertaining war. Throughout the first round the Queen repeats "jab, jab, jab, jab..." until finally referee Moustache Mazzagati has had enough, and when Moustache Mazzagati takes off a shoe and hurls it the Queen, she ducks and hides in the crawl-space beneath the Octagon. Faulkner ends up getting the best of his American foe, but in Round 2 Frank Loser takes control, battering the Brit and sapping him of all his energy. The bell rings and it's expected that a third round is needed. Faulkner ain't having it.

"Don't do this," implores Bisping. "You'll regret this forever."

But Faulkner won't budge, repeatedly stating that he enjoyed himself. Interesting. Well, glad you enjoyed yourself, buddy. Why don't you sit back and relax? Can I get you a Sprite or something?

The fight is waved off and Frank Loser is now Frank Winner after forcing Team UK's alleged best fighter to quit. The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 7

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Like a Steven Soderbergh film, this episode is layered with scenes and montages of only tangential relevance to the TUF premise of aspiring fighters locked away in a house and competing for a UFC contract. In other words: WTF?

In the training center, the Brit team works out using various methods of "man holding man" machismo. Somewhere in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood, a gay bar's patrons hoot and holler as they watch on a big-screen TV. Then Michael Bisping introduces a giant tire and sledgehammer, and Team UK proceeds to smash the floor, themselves and their guitars and drums because that's what The Who did back in the day.

Cut to Team America: World Police, and a brooding Jason Pierce. He hates his teammates, he hates MMA, he hates living in the TUF house and he hates Smurfy.

Meanwhile, Carrot Top has cooties. "Don't touch me," says Pierce. "I hate cooties."

Back to Team UK and David Faulkner, whom everyone loves and wishes he were their dad or something. Due to their accents I gather that Faulkner can wrestle well and has good stand-up, but one of the Brits either says Faulkner is a "pitbull" or a "pickle". God, who knows.

We then return to Team America: World Police and the ongoing saga of Pierce, now revealed to have an injured foot. "I hate feet," Pierce declares. "Just be positive," suggests the Queen of England (aka Dan). Big Tall French Guy chimes in with a "Oui" - which means "yes" in kickboxing. "I hate you all," says Pierce, and he hobbles away. "I don't know what's going on in Jason's head sometimes," says the Queen of England, and then he lies down in a corner of the gym and becomes very, very still. Eventually a cactus sprouts up and grows around him.

Cut to the next fight selection, where Carrot Top is paired up against Nottingham Forest's favorite son, Ross the Incoherent. Will Carrot Top's cooties clear up in time?

Then it's time for tennis! What a second, tennis? WTF? Anyway, Dana White gathers both teams at a tennis court, and after he and Bisping embrace - and stare long and hard into each other's eyes, their mouth's just inches apart and their lips quivering like a fat kid quivers when faced with a real-life version of Mayor McCheese - Dana announces that Bisping and the Queen of England will play tennis for money. Hilarity does not ensue. The Queen of England wins handily, but the real winners are the fans of tennis, who will never have to be subjected to watching this unless they somehow click on SpikeTV while changing channels on an afternoon they're not out horseback riding or playing polo.

Fast-forward to a birthday celebration at the TUF house. It's Carrot Top's birthday!

Switch to outside, where Big Tall French Guy and Frank Loser are listening to Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All weep over love lost. "I really miss 'Sex in the City'," Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All says amidst sobs. "Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha... I miss them all."

And then it's fight time. Ross the Incoherent keeps picking up Carrot Top and dumping him on the mat, and though he delivers an illegal knee to the grill while Carrot Top is on the ground, the point deduction means nothing; he eventually gets Carrot Top in position for a submission and snags an armbar. The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Last night's episode is all about the dichotomy of disparate warriors riding into combat, each armed with varied skills and attitudes and each capable of winning or losing in their very own ways. Also, there's teeth.

The British Mr. T - still sulking from his defeat at the hands of the Marquis de Johnson - is taken aside by coach Michael Bisping, and Bisping apologizes for missing his fight. He weaves together some sort of excuse with threads containing the words "jetlag", "inexcusable" and "fell asleep in Dana White's hot tub amidst empty bottles of Boone's Farm and half-eaten Ring Dings, drunk on passion and love". But we know the truth. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.*

Cue Elvis Presley song remix. Okay, cut.

Then the next fight is announced. Is it me or is everything moving at breakneck speed? Anyway, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All prances around in a tutu and waves a wand fashioned out of toothbrushes, yet for all his carefree attitude and frolicky-ness, he confesses to be really, really scared of fighting. Sensing this like an underfed Rottweiller or PMS-suffering bobcat senses fear, Bisping announces that Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All will be facing Sir Edmund Stapler, the inventor of the common office stapler. The Team America: World Police rep gulps, starts sweating profusely, and can be heard uttering "Mommy..." under his breath.

Back at the TUF house, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All builds a fort in the living room out of sheets, blankets and pillows and forbids entry to anyone with a British accent. Gone is showtune-singing lad from Not Gay, California. Instead, we see a man very much like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo after a swamp monster has taken a seat behind them in the movie theater and hissed the words "Down in front." At the gym, the Queen of England (or Dan - anyone know why?) says his ward can win if he sticks to his game plan of talking real slow and appearing to have no concerns whatsoever over anything - not fighting, not anything. "But my stand-up is terrible," says Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All, and he demonstrates his terribleness by throwing pixie dust at some focus mitts and missing. "I'm going to die," he says. Meanwhile, the Queen of England lies down in a corner of the gym and doesn't move, and eventually wild animals like jackrabbits and lizards make nests on his still form.

But Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All doesn't die when he gets into the cage with Sir Edmund Stapler. No, he throws the Brit down and chokes him out with ease. And then the next fight is announced (whoa, slow down SpikeTV. Do you have somewhere else you want to be? What happened to us savoring these episodes?), with Team America: World Police fighter Frank Loser taking on Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There.

Frank Loser is the exact opposite of Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All in that he dresses more masculine and stomps around declaring his need for violence and his eagerness to punch people in the face. A teammate with a grudge against teeth offers Frank Loser a $100 bounty on any dislodged toofs he brings back to the house. Keeping in line with the way the show has been going lately, the backstory we get on these guys encompasses pretty much just what they had for breakfast (Frank Loser has a bagel; Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There has a bowl of Wheatabix). Then they're fighting.

For all his tough talk and aggression, Frank Loser comes out swinging and is quickly the absorber of a beating. Round 1 ends with the American sporting a Grand Canyon-like gap in his grill and teeth stuck in his mouthpiece, and soon into Round 2 the Brit is tapping him out with an armbar. Back in the locker room, Frank Loser remembers the $100 bounty and spits out more teeth, thereby coming away from the defeat richer by 500 bucks. Good for him.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up of Dana White, martini in hand as he stands on a balcony overlooking the Bellagio. Below, the famous choreographed fountain, and as a gentle breeze dances past he looks back at those gathered around him: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Michael Bisping, token Asian dude and some old man. "Gentlemen, I have a plan to knock over the vaults in three casinos," says Dana. "Do you want to be a fucking thief?"

Cue Elvis Presley song remix.

Back at the TUF house, Team America: World Police fighter Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All tries desperately to overcompensate for something. What could it be? "I've humped 70 or 80 girls, man," he says, effeminately stroking himself while humming bars of ABBA's "Dancing Queen". "I don't even know how many girls I've humped," he says as he wraps a pink feather boa around his neck. "I even humped my best friend's wife." A pause as he dons a pair of purple, rhinestone-studded sunglasses. "Seriously, fellas, I am so not gay."

The next day a fight match-up is chosen - Santino DeBrainAneurysmo and Andre The Weiner. These two must not be interesting at all because we get almost no backstory or build-up. One minute they're chosen to fight, the next minute they're fighting. Which, in this instance, is Santino DeBrainAneurysmo once again applying his "go fetal" technique in the hopes that somehow his opponent will leave him for dead and focus on something else, and then... bam! Santino DeBrainAneurysmo attacks him! But no, Andre the Weiner isn't fooled, and the Brit pounds on the American until referee Moustache Mazagatti yells "Where's my moustache?"

Then Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All grabs Mark Miller's butt and nervously repeats, "Screw you guys, I'm not gay. Not gay, not gay, not gay!" And he does a ballet pirouette and sprinkles his teammates with gold sparkles.

Meanwhile, Don Cheadle buys an enormous drill and starts digging a tunnel under the Golden Nugget, while George Clooney compliments Catherine Zeta-Jones on her snappy outfit as the two sip mojitos poolside at Mandalay Bay. At the Hard Rock, Michael Bisping - wearing a bell hop uniform circa 1920 - delivers the luggage of an elderly couple from Wisconsin to their room.

"Guys, we have to stop sucking," says the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) to her Team America: World Police charges. Since there are still castmembers with no interesting backstory whatsoever, another fight is arranged for the episode - the Marquis de Johnson against the British Mr. T. Again, there is zero build-up. One minute their match-up is declared, the next they're in the cage.

Meanwhile, Matt Damon trades witty banter with Brad Pitt. Token Asian dude and old man pop out of a box and release fleas into a hotel room in the Luxor. Michael Bisping finds himself within a casino vault, decked out in SWAT gear and talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. "Awright geeza! So, I loved winnie da pooh in da 'Godfarfer', but Lord Fauntleroy did Sophia Coppola stink. Sorted mated." Like most humans, Andy Garcia can't understand a word Michael Bisping says, and in frustration he throws his cell phone on the floor and smashes it repeatedly with his cane. The Brit leaves the casino vault with bags of money tucked under each arm.

In the Octagon the Marquis de Johnson and the British Mr. T fight. "I pity the chap who fights me!" declares the British Mr. T, and he takes the Marquis de Johnson down and promptly taps out to a triangle choke. Afterwards, everyone wonders why coach Bisping missed the fight.

"In nine seasons of 'The Ultimate Fighter' a coach has never missed a fight," says Dana with a grin. The camera pulls back, revealing him to be surrounded by piles and piles of money.

The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Team America: World Police is not yet complete, as four angry young men have to fight to fill the last remaining two slots, plus we haven't yet seen the TUF house and the dorm room-on-steroids decor that will ultimately be destroyed. So zoom in to the house, in a quiet Las Vegas neighborhood powered by the endless energy produced by Dana White's F-bombs. A pool table stands proud. A mural struts gayly. And as Team America: World Police enters, no one takes notice of the six-feet tall anthropomorphic chicken sitting with his legs crossed in a chair in the corner, reading a copy of tomorrow's New York Times. The chicken ignores them. For now.

Team UK enters the house and they're greeted warmly. The Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ known as James Wilks makes a beeline for the silverware and starts stealing. Right-O-Old-Chap speaks incomprehensibly. The American known as Junie Browning's Little Brother sees the free alcohol and furiously begins guzzling it. Soon, when everyone meets on the basketball court outside, Junie Browning's Little Brother starts lobbing eggs - a cry for attention for sure, but also a cry for love. "Love me," he seems to say. "Please. Love me."

The chicken looks up from the newspaper. His eyes narrow. He shakes his head.

Back outside and the accent-heavy Brits and embarrassed Americans make some sort of accord. Thanks to loose bodily fluids, last season scored well in the gay fetish demographic. They vow to avoid that. Then, inside the house, Junie Browning's Little Brother begins threatening people, hitting them with eggs and pleading in his thick Southern drawl, "Please, just love me."

The chicken scowls. Turns the page of his New York Times.

The next day comes and they train, Team America: World Police with the Queen of England and her wrestling, Team UK with Michael Bisping. (When Bisping enters he blames his late arrival on visa problems, which is British slang for "a few days at the spa with Dana, laughing through seaweed wraps and dual-massages".) In the kitchen of the TUF training center Bisping speaks garbled Olde English to the Marquis de Johnson, which aggravates the Marquis de Johnson as Olde English died out with the Anglo-Saxons and no one speaks it anymore.

Back at the house again, and the four who must fight to... get into a house they're already staying in? Remain in a house they're already staying in? Drink more free alcohol? I don't know. But the four who must fight speak of their lives and motivations and need for love. Meanwhile, the giant anthropomorphic chicken reads Nietzsche, glances at Junie Browning's Little Brother, scowls.

Then they are fighting. Someone from California squares off against someone... from Iowa... who talks... incredibly... slow. They wrestle and grapple and punch, and then the slow... talker... from Iowa... bangs his head against the floor of the Octagon until he is unconscious because he'd prefer to be asleep for his opponent's kimura attempt instead of countering it. The referee stops the bout and... Mr Iowa... asks... what... happened... then... concludes... that he... beat himself... If that were the case, then wouldn't "himself" get into the TUF house?

Finally Junie Browning's Little Brother fights, which consists of him curling up into a ball in a corner, covering up and saying "Please love me! Please love me!" over and over again. His opponent is awarded the TKO win. Now Team America: World Police is set.

And back at the TUF house, the chicken goes back to his Nietzsche book, his face revealing no expression at all.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 2

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Dana White greets us in his sacred homeland of Las "F-Bomb" Vegas, where he's assembled what will soon be an army of assorted goons and ruffians to confront the invading Brits. And by "assorted" I mean "motley", and by "goons" I mean "tough guys", and by "ruffians" I mean "men that would steal your lunch money and leave you stuffed inside a locker". And by "confront", I mean "live in a house under 24-hour surveillance, while over the loudspeakers Dana's voice is played on a continuous loop of curse words and techno music", and by "Brits" I mean "people that speak in foreign languages and require subtitles for us to understand them". Anyway, Dana says hi. And drops F-bombs. And introduces the Queen of England (also known mysteriously as "Dan" - I guess Rich Franklin is dead?) as their coach for Team America: World Police.

Right away fighters are discarded like human refuse. Someone named My God I Have Herpes On National Television And I'm Never Getting Laid Again is booted, but not before Dana says the word "herpes" about 50 times and brands him with a hot iron and makes him wear a scarlet "H" on his shirt. Someone else is deemed too fat.

Close up of Dana: lost, alone without his British "friend" Michael Bisping. A single tear streams down Dana's cheek. "This is the worst start to the season in the history of the show," he says, but what he really means to say is, "Michael... Michael... I miss you."

Then there are fights. Dana and the Queen of England make two brothers face each other in the cage, and the brothers do, stumbling each other with punches until one of them drops. The winner, Mark Miller, is then forced to cut his fallen sibling's throat, shoot him with a derringer, and back over him with a VW Jetta. Mark is sad but all the while Dana laughs. The perverse laugh of Satan, sitting in a recliner in Hell on a lazy Sunday afternoon, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon while sins are replayed in slow-motion on a big LCD television.

Comedian Carrot Top enters the cage sans props. He defeats some dude of no memorable characteristics whatsoever.

Close up of Dana, this time with music - slow, wistful music. "I... I miss you, Michael..." Dana mutters, but the Queen of England ignores him, maybe a little embarrassed at Dana's confession.

Someone with a brain aneurysm named Santino Defranco gets into the cage. He apparently wants to fight in the UFC before he dies, but no one has told him that fighting requires him to punch back, as the first round sees him lay down against the fence and let another man beat on him relentlessly. In between rounds Defranco's corner lets him know that he can, in fact, hit back, so he comes out and destroys his opponent. His brain aneurysm pulses. Threatens to explode.

Someone named Steve Berger fights. Steve fought in the UFC back in 2002, so he gets to fight in the Octagon again because the Statute of Limitations has expired or something like that. He loses. Some punk rocker fights, gets beat on, then chokes his opponent out before time runs out. Someone named The Marquis de Johnson defeats Ray Elbow. The canvas is eventually stained crimson with Ray Elbow's blood.

Dana cackles maniacally, but inside he aches. "Michael... my Michael," he says, and adds some solemn F-bombs.

Team American: World Police is almost complete. However, two more potential members still have to fight, and they'll battle it out against some other yahoos next week.

Another tear streams down Dana's cheek. Fade to black.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 1

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up shot of Dana White, driven down the mean streets of London to the gym where Michael Bisping practices his best Brad-Pitt-in-"Snatch" accent and sips tea and eats crumpets. They hug, long lost friends in a world where friends curse a lot and feign machismo, and they enter the gym where others of various degrees of fighting prowess and incoherent accents all want to be Dana's friend. "There are 16 of you but only eight are flying back to Las Vegas," says Dana, implying that the others must swim. Or stay there, where their accents will remain unfettered by the shackles of grammar and communicative ability.

"Jolly good," says one, a young lightweight with a handlebar moustache and a bowler atop his head. His name could be Gary Kelly or Grace Kelly or something, and he apparently trains with Bisping, as when he gets knocked out by a fighter from Narnia named Andre Winner, Bisping curses, saying "bollocks" like it means something dirty but it makes me think of buttocks. I laugh. Subtitles dance across the screen whenever a UK fighter talks and I laugh some more.

Others fight, one after the other entering the cage to earn a berth on Team UK, which will match up against Team US this season. Cageside, Dana and Bisping laugh and joke and share odd embraces, while Rich Franklin and the Queen of England sit taking notes (the Queen is sometimes referred to as "Dan". It's never explained why.) Within the Octagon, an assortment of fighters hailing from various UK neighborhoods like Nottingham Forest, the Shire, Middle Earth and Earthsea do battle. A shapeshifting referee, sometimes appearing like an over-tanned Mr. Clean, other times appearing like a smaller man who constantly says "lad", oversees the action.

A Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ named James Wilks tries to steal someone named Che Mills' leg. According to Wikipedia, the Pikey are like gypsies and cannot be trusted. Another fighter named Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap enters the cage and faces a street urchin named Oliver Twist. Oh poor Oliver! Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap feeds Oliver knees, which, as Oliver is but a sad street urchin, is the most he's eaten in weeks. "Please, sir, may I have some more?" Oliver asks meekly, and then the referee declares he's eaten enough and Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap is going to Las Vegas, where he will be tricked into eating urine-soaked fruit and man-splooge.

Meanwhile, Dana and Bisping giggle and whisper in each other's ears, then giggle some more.

Someone with a dire need for a plastic surgeon (or a better plastic surgeon than they already have) talks a lot but loses to a British Mr. T of the A-Team. A member of the Sex Pistols fights, another friend of Bisping except this time Bisping declares that he sucks amidst chuckles and snickers as he and Dana poke and tickle each other like friends are oft to do. Despite his suckiness, the Sex Pistol (Sid Vicious? Johnny Rotten?) wins. Then there are no more fights, and the eight remaining competitors are given jerseys by Bisping and Dana says the F-word. Maybe it's gratuitous, maybe it's necessary. I don't know. Just then, the acid kicks in.

TUF 9 Competitors Revealed

The list of competitors for the ninth season of "The Ultimate Fighter" has been revealed in a press release from SpikeTV. An eclectic mix of lightweights and welterweights from here and abroad, the roster (which includes coaches Dan Henderson and Michael Bisping, who will helm Team US and Team UK, respectively) is filled with names that may be unknown to the general public. To prime fans for the April 1st debut, MMA Journalist has picked out a few notable contestants. They are:

• Fatty McFat, Team UK, welterweight - the guy who can't make weight for his first fight and who gets replaced by Dark Horse O'Houlihan.
• Joe Scumbag, Team US, lightweight - the kid stricken with bi-polar disorder who alternates between acting like a gentleman and a jackass. He shows a modicum of talent, but everyone hates him and (rightfully) views him as a ticking time bomb. No matter who he stabs or poisons, Dana White will never boot him from the TUF house. Ratings, you know.
• Ian Noexperience, Team UK, lightweight - the chum the other sharks in the house will eat.
• A glass of water, Team US, welterweight - he gets drunk a lot, providing constant entertainment for viewers.
• Iwanna Breakstuff, Team US, lightweight - the man in charge of demolishing any and all furniture he can get his hands on.
• Chuck Liddell, Team US, light-heavyweight - under the influence of an assortment of prescription drugs and cough medicine, the former champ wanders confused and incoherent into the TUF house. No one is able to get him to leave.
• The Silver Surfer, Team US, welterweight - the ringer brought in with the expectation that he'll win it all.
• Patty Garblemouf, Team UK, lightweight - the talented fighter with the accent so thick, no one - not even his own teammates - can understand him. Even the subtitles that appear on screen whenever he speaks make no sense.
• The TUF house foosball table, Team IKEA, welterweight - having survived last season relatively intact, the foosball table returns to risk life and limb once more.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 1

Last night saw the season eight premiere of "The Ultimate Fighter" on SpikeTV, a season dubbed "Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir" that requires captions whenever the Brazilian coach speaks. Excellent. I think the Zuffa and SpikeTV are prepping viewers for a future season where no one speaks any English and contestants live in a big hut deep in some distant jungle. A few things gleaned from the first episode:

• There are rumors that when the DVD of this season comes out, viewers will be able to remove the blurriness that obscured Jason Guida's junk when he was rolling around in his towel.
• Krzysztof Soszynski is an IFL veteran with an 15-8-1 according to Sherdog.com. Does this guy really need to be on TUF facing noobs like Mike Stewart? I think there's a SpikeTV producer out there pulling the strings, and he's got a very dangerous sense of humor.
• Phillipe Nover fainted not from the heat or dehydration, but because he was in the presence of Dana White. Nover has a history of fainting in the presence of superstars; he was backstage at a Barbara Streisand concert and accidentally ran into Babs herself by the vending machine. Boom! Out cold.
• Why you got to knee Brian McLaughlin in the grill when he's on the ground? Not cool, man. Not cool.
• Junie Browning vs. Jose Aguilar was a battle between the douchebag and the dipshit. The fans lose in these match-ups every single time.