*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
At what point does a douchebag become a douchebag? Is it ever cool to be a douchbag? How far can a douchebag go in being a douchebag and still succeed? If a douchebag falls over in the woods and no TUF cameramen are around to film it, did it actually fall? All these questions and more are addressed on this week's episode of VH1: Behind the Music's "Ultimate Douchebag - The Early Years". But first...
Still in full-on Red Bull-induced hysteria mode, Quinton Jackson engages in a verbal sparring match with Rashad Evans, the former imitating the latter's knocked out form after he fought Lyoto Machida, the latter pointing out that the former ain't no coach. That's right, Evans has said it: Jackson ain't no coach. The words hang there in the air, rendering the atmosphere in the TUF training center thick and gloomy and unpalatable to those stuck within the confines of this godforsaken competition. Jackson's team has lost every match-up thus far and the Pride veteran doesn't give a crap anymore, doesn't even want to show up for his fighters' bouts or comfort them in the cage after they've inevitably lost. Jackson has checked out, has moved on to his next role (as Othello in Martin Scorcese's "Othello the Moor", check your local listings), and this stint on TUF 10 is just something to pass the time.
"I'll kick your ass," says Jackson.
"Costa Mesa Police Department," says Evans. "Let me see your license and registration."
And at that Jackson crumbles, a whimpering, cringing wreck, reflexively lying face-down on the floor while muttering, "Don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me."
Now it's time for the fight selection, and as Team Rampage has lost everything even remotely resembling a competitive combative sport contest, Evans still gets to choose. He selects Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone. Our journey of douchebaggery begins!
Back at the TUF house Matt Minestrone hands Scott Garbage a note. "Dear Scott: I love you," it reads, and the other members of the house are scandalized.
"What a scumbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
At the TUF training center Team Rashad informs Evans of the note. Evans calls Matt Minestrone into his office and chastises him. "Look, you can love anyone you want, but you need to fight first."
"I know what I'm doing in my own head," replies Matt Minestrone. "I hear voices, but fighting silences them. Also, I can make phone calls telepathically."
Evans stares at him like he's a giant pigeon that just took a dump on his car. "You are both wierd and a douchebag."
The TUF house, and now Matt Minestrone is drinking orange juice. Apparently it's not his, apparently John Madsen went out and bought it himself with his own damn money and the juice was not provided by the show's staff, because John Madsen gets all bent out of shape. "You're a douchebag. I should slap your pretty face," he says. Matt Minestrone doesn't like that, so when they're back at the training center and the two suit up for sparring, Matt Minestrone actually spars.
"Wah! You're being a douchebag!" says John Madsen, and Matt Minestrone storms off to the office. Again, Evans confronts him.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't even fought yet and you're creeping people out with your douchebagness. Save it for your opponent!"
"What a dirtbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
Once more we're back at the house, this time by the pool, where an audience of castmates have gathered to watch Matt Minestrone shoot some hoops on the basketball court. Oh, and also, Wes Sims is apparently a ninja, and in his ninja garb he stealthily stalks the oblivious Matt Minestrone... to hug him. That's it. All he does is sneak up on Matt Minestrone and hug him.
"You're doing it wrong!" screams mulleted ex-ninja Scott Morris from his trailer in Des Moines, and he emphasizes his disapproval by tossing a half-empty can of Schlitz at his television.
"Duh, I am going to punch him in the face," says Scott Garbage, but real slow, like he's developmentally disabled or something.
"What a dingbat!" declares Mike Wessel. "The line is, 'What a douchebag!'" a producer whispers from off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
Fight time! But prior to everyone wrapping their hands and warming up, Matt Minestrone informs coach Evans that he's telepathically called his wife.
"My wife?" says Evans. "Man, you are a total douchebag."
Referee Josh RosencrantzandGuildenstern starts the action, "action" the operative word here, and Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone engage in the sloppiest, ugliest, most cardio-lacking, technique-lacking brawl to ever grace the Octagon. In between rounds Dana White exclaims it's the best fight ever - a sure sign of its suckage - and when the fight resumes it only gets sloppier and uglier. Matt Minestrone wins the decision, "win" the operative word here.
"Homestar Runner dot net," says Mike Wessel. "I mean, dot com." "Cut!" shouts the TUF producer from off-camera.
And Jackson wrecks a door.
The end.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Promoter to Launch California-Based MMA League, Then Promptly Fail
Sports promoter Roy Englebrecht announced today that he's launching a professional, team-based minor league MMA organization in the southern Californa area, an organization comprised of eight teams vying for a championship title, and that after he starts the league the whole endeavor will promptly fail. Dubbed the "Professional Mixed Martial Arts League", or PMMAL, the organization will field teams representing San Diego, Los Angeles, Ventura and even Las Vegas, and though aspiring fighters will be signed to teams via exclusive contracts, team owners will have the discretion to allow their fighters to compete elsewhere - or be sold to the UFC or Strikeforce when the PMMAL collapses. Said Cory Needbaum, Englebrecht's financial advisor who lives in beat-up 1984 Dodge Caravan permanently parked at the rest area near Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, "This is a groovy idea, man. Them IFL cats did it all wrong. It took them two years to go belly up, but we can make that happen in just nine months. You'll see, man. You'll see."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
CSAC Releases Judging Scores for Machida/Shogun 2
In an attempt to stave off controversy, the California State Athletic Commission has released the scores for the Lyoto Machida/Mauricio "Shogun" Rua 2 bout, despite the fact that the match has yet to occur and has not even been officially agreed upon or announced. According to CSAC representatives, the eagerly-anticipated rematch between the two best light-heavyweights in the world - which could happen at a UFC event next year, maybe in California, maybe not - will end with Machida the winner by split decision, with two judges giving four rounds to the champ and one judge giving three rounds to the challenger. As their first meeting, an epic, five-round war at UFC 104 this past weekend, ended with Machida the recipient of a questionable decision, it appears that the California commission is taking proactive steps to ensure a more fair result. Said CSAC chairman Mario Ramirez Brown, "The Commission isn't dumb. We know mixed martial arts. And just like we know Mr. Machida won the first time, we know that he wins the second time. Now excuse me, but I have to go sexually harrass my staff."
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Piece of MMA History: "World's Best Fighter"
It was a bad night to be a foreigner, but it was a good night if you were a fan of fighting. On February 3rd, 2007, at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, a one-shot promotion called World's Best Fighter assembled together a roster of fledgling Asian mixed martial artists and solid American up-and-comers and pitted them against each other in a "Team USA vs. Team Asia" contest. Team Asia got its ass kicked. Future UFC fighter Mike Massenzio played his usual ground-and-pound game against his Japanese foe, grinding out a unanimous decision, while local stud Greg Soto won via armbar and heavyweight everyman Justin Eilers won with a tsunami of knees and punches. The only real competitive bout of the event was Kevin Roddy versus Jong Man Kim - a Korean Top Team rep and the best grappler of the bunch - but "K-Rod" won via armbar with just three seconds left in the first round (the result was later changed to a "no contest" because, well, K-Rod is K-Rod you know). Aside from a few kickboxing match-ups and John Doyle and Brendan Barrett falling out of the ring (their bout was declared a "no contest"), the undercard also featured Team Tiger Schulmann rising star Lyman Good against Renzo black belt Julio Cruz, with Good's superior striking earning him the win via TKO.
Though the the Asian portion of the crowd sat stoic and silent throughout, the American portion of the crowd seemed to love every minute of it. And why wouldn't they? The fights were entertaining. Plus, Team USA kicked ass.
Though the the Asian portion of the crowd sat stoic and silent throughout, the American portion of the crowd seemed to love every minute of it. And why wouldn't they? The fights were entertaining. Plus, Team USA kicked ass.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Day 2
MMA Journalist is back for more, although today it was to sit on the panel for the discussion about the "The Future of MMA in New York". No real crazies in the audience this time, but as an "authority" on underground shows I was asked questions about where the promoters hide the dead bodies and if actual Southeast Asian slaves are used as fighters. Attendance for the expo itself seems down from yesterday, but hey, it's Sunday. Even MMA fans go to church.
Observations From My Couch: UFC 104 "Holy Robbery, Batman!"
- The decision in the Lyoto Machida/Shogun fight wasn't just bad, it was heinous. Heinous I tell you!
- Cain Velasquez is a beast.
- Ben Rothwell is whatever a zookeeper feeds a beast at its designated feeding time.
- All this time in the sport and Josh Neer still hasn't learned how to avoid takedowns? What does he do with his time? Drive under the influence or something?
- Spencer Fisher, I think you're an exciting fighter. However, it might be time to retire from the Octagon.
- I sure wish Anthony Johnson had made weight. I really wanted to be impressed with his performance. Instead, I'm stuck with the notion that the dude is just a cheater.
- Ryan Bader is a big pile of UNIMPRESSIVE.
- Pat Barry looked good. Antoni Hardonk looked like he took a bad hardonk to the head.
- I don't know who that Chael Sonnen was wrecking Yushin Okami, but he should stick around. He's much better than the Chael Sonnen we're used to.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Part 3
Eddie's knowledge of the history of the sport cannot be overstated. When I started covering MMA back in 2001, he was someone I looked up to in terms of the scope and breadth of what he knew, his fashion sense notwithstanding. Melvina gets the conch shell again, and like when she spoke at the legislative roundtable earlier this year, she brings up the scourge known as unsanctioned underground shows. Somewhere, Peter Storm's ears are ringing. Uh oh, now Eddie's talking about underground fights, and he's bringing up Doug Dedge, the American who fought in an unsanctioned show in the Ukraine and died. Someone must've clued him in about the death toll events like the UCL and Empire State Warrior Challenge have left in their wake. Okay, now it's open to questions from the audience. Some lunatic is ranting and raving about being a Tae Kwon Do champ and member of Lions Den and smokers and, God, I can't figure out where he's going with this. I think he hates the government or something. Now he's going on about Matt Hughes and Tim Sylvia raping a girl and Dana White paying her 2 million bucks in hush money. Oh this is gold. To his credit, Mike Kim is responding with calm and poise and is difusing Mr. Crazy Lions Den Guy Who Did Tae Kwon Do. Okay, things are drawing to a close. Overall, it seems the future of MMA is optimistic - with a side of crazy.
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Part 2
It's time now for the panel discussion title "The Future of MMA in New York". The speakers include athletic commission chairwoman Melvina Lathan, Mike Kim (the guy who drafted the legislation that will soon be passed legalizing pro MMA), and Eddie Goldman. Also on hand are an assortment of fortune tellers, soothsayers, prognosticators, clairvoyants and gypsies that read chicken gizzards. Melvina is up first, and the crux of her speech is a brief history of the commission's oversight of MMA before it was banned in 1996. She stresses that the commission currently has no regulatory power over it, that the law has to change. Mike Kim is now talking about the legalization process and where the MMA bill stands. Eddie, meanwhile, is contributing by blowing up balloons and making animals and a crown.
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