Observations From My Couch: "March Badness"

• As a competent play-by-play commentator who knows the ins and outs of both boxing and MMA, Colonel Bob Sheridan will be worth his weight in gold if this boxing/MMA hybrid stuff takes off. If he plays his cards right, he might even get promoted to brigadier general.
• Seth Petruzelli. The man. The myth. The legend.
• Cowboy Karate? Dennis Hallman is in trouble when he runs into a practitioner of Native American Judo.
• Did Din Thomas hit on Rihanna?
• Bobby Lashley is so not quite Brock Lesnar.
• Roy Nelson needs to file a police report as soon as possible, 'cause that man was robbed.

Observations from My Couch: WEC 36

• Someone needs to let Jake Rosholt know that it's okay to duck and dodge and not get punched in the face. Seriously. The WEC does not have a "Got Punched in the Face A Lot" bonus.
• I can still remember when Jens Pulver was one of the most-feared strikers in the sport. I hate to say it, but he's getting old.
• I would be totally cool with never having to see Paulo Filho fight again. That dude simply did not want to be there, and after three rounds of watching him buttflop, not a soul on the planet wanted him to be in there either.
• Mike Brown took a page out of Seth Petruzelli's book and wrecked a big promotion's poster boy and their best laid plans. Urijah Faber should fight Kimbo Slice to earn his rematch.

K-1 Interested in Letting Seth Petruzelli Sink Their Promotion Too

DREAM may be interested in Seth "Promotion Killer" Petruzelli for their New Years Eve event, according to preliminary reports. The Japanese fight organization is famous for circus freak show bouts with the likes of Bob Sapp, Don Frye and Akebono, and is considering hosting a Petruzelli/Kimbo Slice rematch - which would give Petruzelli an opportunity to reveal whatever DREAM secrets he could in post-event interviews. "We like what Mr. Petruzelli did to EliteXC," said DREAM president Sadaharu Tanigawa. "DREAM has been fixing fights for a while now, and what better way to reveal that to the public than to have the Promotion Killer do it for us?" No word yet on whether Slice will be available for this match-up.

Forida State Boxing Commission Exonerates EliteXC, Clearing Way for Company's Sale to CBS

The Florida State Boxing Commission has concluded that no wrongdoing occurred in the Kimbo Slice/Seth Petruzelli bout from EliteXC's ill-fated October 4th card. Allegations of fight-fixing arose after Petruzelli claimed in a post-event radio interview that he was paid extra to keep the fight standing, with the resulting uproar over "Standgate" prompting the FSBC's investigation. "Dis is wicked news," said EliteXC figurehead Jared Shaw. "Now naffink stands in da way hof CBS buyin' us. Booyakasha!"

EliteXC is Dead

EliteXC, the promotion that brought Kimbo Slice, Gina Carano and a slew of other talented fighters to prime time network television, is dead. An official autopsy report won't be available for some time, but it is strongly suspected that the cause of death centered around financial woes. It's no secret that EliteXC had recently taken to begging and panhandling for loose change, with some speculating that the organization's nights were spent walking the streets to solicit "johns" and turn tricks. If true, this would've been a sad turn of events for the promotion responsible for the first and third most-watched MMA bouts in US history (Slice vs. James Thompson and Slice vs. Seth Petruzelli). EliteXC's unfortunate demise leaves quite a few fighters without a home, but more importantly, it leaves fans with fewer opportunities to watch fights. Without question, this is a loss everyone in the sport will feel. No details have been released yet concerning possible funeral services.

Zach Arnold Says EliteXC Has Sinned, Must Die

Zach Arnold of FightOpinion.com has been around as long as I have, and in that time he's established himself as a journalist full of honesty and integrity. And in light of the recent EliteXC/Kimbo Slice stand-up bonus allegations, Zach really, really thinks EliteXC must die. Or at the very least, EliteXC honcho Jeremy Lappen and the Shaw father/son conglomerate need to be crucified, burned at the stake, dismembered and burned again. I admire Zach's fervor. Every sport needs a watchdog willing to decry every bad move and instance of possible unethical behavior. But one thing I learned in law school (yes, I went to law school), and especially in the New York City Police Academy (yes, I went there too), was that there's a difference between when something is wrong and when something is illegal. And in this instance, the Florida State Boxing Commission itself has already guffawed at the idea that EliteXC broke the law. Did EliteXC throw a stack of cash at Seth Petruzelli to encourage him not to go for a takedown against Kimbo Slice? Is the UFC guilty of the same thing when they show up in Phil Baroni's and Matt Lindland's locker rooms before their UFC 34 bout, promising them that they're gone from the promotion if they don't make their fight exciting? You know, it doesn't really matter. Because what happens in the cage is never what anyone plans. Not the promoters, not the fighters, not the fans. And that's what makes this sport so great.

Scandal Alert: Petruzelli Paid to Actually Fight Kimbo Slice

EliteXC's "Heat" event, which featured Kimbo Slice taking on last-minute replacement Seth Petruzelli and losing in stunning fashion on CBS network television, is drawing some major heat from the media thanks to the shocking revelation that Petruzelli was actually paid to fight. In an interview conducted the day after the show, Petruzelli told reporters EliteXC offered to compensate him if he agreed to face their star attraction. He has since retracted his statements. "This is an outrage if it's true," said Kirk Thomas, spokesman for the Volunteer Fighters of America. "If a promoter actually paid money to a fighter to perform... That's just unethical. Something must be done."

The Reason Kimbo Took That Fight? Bread, Of Course

Hindsight may be 20/20, but no amount of retrospective analysis can answer everything. On Saturday night, when Ken Shamrock let officials know he was unable to compete, EliteXC superstar Kimbo Slice was offered Seth Petruzelli as a last-minute replacement opponent. Why did Kimbo take that fight against Petruzelli? MMA Journalist, in an exclusive interview with an EliteXC executive who asked to remain anonymous, has learned that, for his participation in the cobbled-together main event that he ultimately lost, the YouTube legend was promised a lot of bread. Specifically, he was promised his very own bakery. Apparently, the prospect of a lifetime supply of bagels and dinner rolls, as well as loaves of rye, wheat, white, challah and cinnamon swirl bread, was enough to sway him. Did Kimbo make the right choice? Only he can answer that, but when MMA Journalist attempted to contact him for comment, the man who lost on network television was too busy rolling in dough to respond.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 8

• Jakes Shields taps out Paul Daley. The entire venue lets out a collective "meh".
• The Kimbo Slice hype is reaching a fever pitch. People be swooning at his entrance.
• Seth Petruzelli wrecks Kimbo in 14 seconds. Things have just gotten ugly, with the crowd crying out that this is a travesty. Or something. This is the first time press row has ever been showered with trash.
• And... I'm spent.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 5

• At 8:50 they officially announced that Ken Shamrock is out. His replacement? Seth Petruzelli. The crowd is less than thrilled.
• The venue is almost packed.
• Hulk Hogan has arrived with blonds in tow. Tito Ortiz gets his picture taken with Mr. Hogan. However, Hulkamania does not run wild.
• The big screens are playing Kimbo vs. Tank Abbott. Based on fan reaction here, the outcome is a shock.
• The EliteXC dancing slizzuts are very slizzutish. Their moms must be so proud.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 4

• It's 8:15. Edson Berto and Conor Heun had a great fight, with Berto gaining the distinction of being the first fighter of the night to stain the cage canvas with his blood.
• Berto's corner is concerned that when he goes backstage, Cristiane Cyborg will catch the scent and go into a feeding frenzy.
• Affliction honcho Tom Atencio is here. Oddly enough, he's not wearing any Affliction apparel.
• Just kidding. Of course he is.
• The Kimbo/Shamrock mystery continues. The prelim bout between Seth Petruzelli and Aaron Rosa was skipped, and the prevailing rumors are that both were offered up to Kimbo. Where's that janitor?

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 2

• The Ken Shamrock/Kimbo Slice fight is definitely off. Sounds like they're trying to get Kimbo to fight TUF veteran Seth Petruzelli.
• Tito Ortiz is here, mobbed by fans and taking pics with every single one of them.
• It's 6:40 and the first of the prelims are about to get underway.
• Cristiane Cyborg just walked by again, this time holding hands with her husband. Small children weep and tremble with fear.