Predictions for UFC 104: "Concentrate, Daniel-San - Wax On, Wax Off"

UFC 104 approaches, and with it comes the latest installment of the popular "The Karate Kid" series. When last we left Daniel-San, he was victorious in defeating the bully Rashad Evans. But his Crane Technique can only carry him so far, and his next opponent - the Shogun of Harlem - is the baddest mo-fo, low-down around this town. Will Daniel-San emerge victorious? Or will he face doom in the Octagon and forever be known as "The Last Dragon"? Predictions!

• Lyoto Machida will win. He's been drinking his own urine, and that's some serious karate right there.
• I'm really aggravated that Yahoo! Sports used my "Is Cain Able?" line before I could get it up. That kind of witty Biblical analogy is this blog's bread and butter. Dammit.
• Ben Rothwell: the man, the myth, the buffet killer.
• I don't know who's going to win between Gleison Tibau and Josh Neer, but one thing is for sure: somehow, some way, Neer is going to wind up pissed off.
• Spencer "the King" Fisher is going to out-point Joe Stevenson, but the California State Athletic Commission will change the result to a "no contest" when they find out that Fisher is not, in fact, a king.
• Anthony Johnson by pure, unadulterated blackness.

"The Key to Lyoto Machida's Success Lies in His Katas"

When top 205-pound contender Lyoto Machida steps into the Octagon to face champ Rashad Evans at UFC 98 on May 23rd, the Japanese-Brazilian Shotokan karate practitioner will almost certainly have his hands full with the champ's powerful wrestling and always-dangerous striking skills. But according to homeless karate master Sho'nuff, who was formerly the Shogun of Harlem but is now an itinerant ronin who collects empty soda cans, victory is entirely within Machida's grasp. "The key to Lyoto Machida's success lies in his katas," says Sho'nuff. "If he practices his technique to the point where he reaches the 'Final Level', well, that mofo will have 'The Glow'. Know wa mean?" But what of Evans' devastating KO power and athleticism? According to Sho'nuff, if Machida is bathed in the mythical Glow, nothing the TUF 2 winner brings into the cage will matter. "Who's the meanest? Who's the prettiest? Who's the baddest mofo, lowdown, around this town? If he's got the Glow, it will be that Brazilian cat. Trust me on this one, homeboy." Added the bedraggled-looking former competitor: "Say, brother, can you loan me a dollar?"

Observations From My Couch: UFC 94

• I'm not sure what was more impressive: Clay Guida defeating a very tough Nate Diaz, or Clay Guida managing to thank every training partner, sponsor and Zuffa employee he's ever come in contact with in the short time allotted for his post-fighting interview.
• Was it me or was the last few minutes of the Karo Parisyan/Dong Hyun Kim bout nothing more than a judo match? I kept expecting the referee to shout out scores in Japanese like "Ippon!" or "Waza-ari!"
• Jon "GrecoRoman Airlines" Jones. When you absolutely, positively have to fly somewhere immediately.
• You know the Fates have conspired when every bout from the under card on up to the co-main event has gone to a decision and then Lyoto Machida of all people wins by first-round knockout.
• Georges St. Pierre vs. BJ Penn: a grim reminder as to why MMA has weight classes.