Predictions for UFC 104: "Concentrate, Daniel-San - Wax On, Wax Off"

UFC 104 approaches, and with it comes the latest installment of the popular "The Karate Kid" series. When last we left Daniel-San, he was victorious in defeating the bully Rashad Evans. But his Crane Technique can only carry him so far, and his next opponent - the Shogun of Harlem - is the baddest mo-fo, low-down around this town. Will Daniel-San emerge victorious? Or will he face doom in the Octagon and forever be known as "The Last Dragon"? Predictions!

• Lyoto Machida will win. He's been drinking his own urine, and that's some serious karate right there.
• I'm really aggravated that Yahoo! Sports used my "Is Cain Able?" line before I could get it up. That kind of witty Biblical analogy is this blog's bread and butter. Dammit.
• Ben Rothwell: the man, the myth, the buffet killer.
• I don't know who's going to win between Gleison Tibau and Josh Neer, but one thing is for sure: somehow, some way, Neer is going to wind up pissed off.
• Spencer "the King" Fisher is going to out-point Joe Stevenson, but the California State Athletic Commission will change the result to a "no contest" when they find out that Fisher is not, in fact, a king.
• Anthony Johnson by pure, unadulterated blackness.

Mike Swick vs. Dan Hardy to Determine Who's Not Ready for GSP and Who's Really Not Ready for GSP

According to rumors, TUF 1 veteran Mike Swick and British hair casualty Dan Hardy will likely be facing at UFC 105 to determine who's not ready for Georges St. Pierre and who's really not ready for Georges St. Pierre, with the winner facing (and getting slaughtered by) the welterweight champ at a later date. Unless every other 170-pound fighter on the planet is somehow injured or otherwise busy, it's a match-up that makes little sense, as neither man has defeated a big enough "name" fighter to warrant top contender status. Regardless, thanks to St. Pierre needing the money to keep up on payments for his Lexus, the bout could very well happen. Who stands the better chance of not getting smooshed for the TKO stoppage in the title bout? American Kickboxing Academy-trained Swick is a capable striker with the ability to end fights suddenly with his right cross, whereas Hardy's right hook and awful hairstyle are his best assets. But neither will be able to stuff St. Pierre's takedowns, so really, the point is moot. Hopefully, the next 170-pound contender the UFC lines up will be a more compelling threat.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 103 "Bye-Bye CroCop"

• After the beating suffered at the hands of Vitor Belfort, Rich Franklin must really be hating Brazilians right now.
• After the beating suffered at the hands (and knees) of Junior dos Santos, Mirko CroCop must really be hating that he can't do steroids for his US fights.
• After the beating suffered at the hands of Paul Daley, Martin Kampmann must really be hating that no one at Xtreme Couture taught him how to do takedowns.
• After the beating suffered at the hands of Josh Koscheck, Frank Trigg must really be hating the fact that he's gotten old.
• Holy crap did Hermes Franca look out of shape and untrained.
• After the beating suffered at the hands of Efrain Escudero, Cole Miller must really be hating all that time spent practicing jiu-jitsu instead of boxing.
• After that beating suffered at the hands of Tomasz Drwal, Drew McFedries must really be hating the Polish lack of vowels in their names.
• Jim Miller's jiu-jitsu is so good, he doesn't even have to touch you to dislocate your shoulder with a kimura.

Predictions for UFC 103: "Come On, CroCop, Don't Mess This Up"

Just a few scant days after UFC Fight Night 19 and the TUF 10 premiere comes UFC 103, a pay-per-view extravaganza featuring no title bouts and no match-ups of any real consequence. Wahoo! Fighting at a catch-weight of 195 are Vitor Belfort and Rich Franklin, because 195 pounds is cool and hip and all the kids are doing it, while Mirk CroCop returns to hopefully not get clobbered. So, predictions!

• The last seven fights Tyson Griffin has taken part in have ended via decision, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's going to defeat jiu-jitsu black belt Hermes Franca by... Falcon punch!
• Josh Koscheck and Frank Trigg are two solid wrestlers who like to throw punches and get knocked out. Look for a double-KO in this one.
• Martin Kampmann is Danish, which means when you bite into him you get a mouthful of frosting and some raisins. Brit striker Paul Daley hates raisins.
• CroCop is going to TKO the less-experienced Junior dos Santos, which sets up a nice revenge match for a future UFC between the Croatian and Senior dos Santos.
• Belfort is going to hit Franklin so hard, Franklin will no longer be qualified to teach high school arithmetic - only gym or special education.

More People Watch Stuff On Free TV Than On Premium Channels, According To UFC Press Release

More people watch stuff on free TV than on premium channels, according to a statement released by the UFC. Citing the ratings disparity between last Saturday's SpikeTV re-broadcast of UFC 100 and Showtime's live broadcast of Strikeforce's "Carano vs. Cyborg", which drew 2 million viewers to 526,000 viewers respectively, the statement attempts to imagine some sort of fantasy involving a recycled UFC product being worth more than Strikeforce's fresh, new product. It's a fantasy that ignores the fact that more people have access to SpikeTV (which is usually part of a basic cable TV package) than Showtime (which cable TV providers charge extra for), and hints at both a deep-rooted fear of competition and a low opinion of the media's analytical reasoning skills. Said a spokesman for the UFC, "The UFC is the best. People will watch whatever we put on SpikeTV over anything on Showtime." When asked about what will happen when CBS starts broadcasting Strikeforce events, the spokesman then broke down and wept.

UFC To Stymie Strikeforce By Recycling All Their Own Discarded Trash

In the latest round of the imagined (or is it?) UFC/Strikeforce conflict, Dana White and company have decided to stymie Scott Coker's recruitment efforts by recycling all of their own old, discarded trash. First up on the recycle list are "New York Badass" Phil Baroni and Dennis Hallman - two fighters who, before Strikeforce signed Fedor and became a major player in the MMA promotion business, couldn't even get UFC matchmaker Joe Silva to take their phone calls. Now Baroni and Hallman are the recipients of a pair of juicy UFC contracts. Expect more Octagon detritus and debris to be scooped up by Zuffa in months to come.

UFC's Strikeforce Counter-Programming To Include Brock Lesnar Sex Tape

The UFC's anti-Strikeforce effort is in full-swing with the announcement that SpikeTV will air an alleged Brock Lesnar sex tape at the same time as Strikeforce's "Carano vs. Cyborg" event on Showtime on Saturday night. The Lesnar tape is rumored to include the UFC heavyweight champ's recent antics with a giant inflatable Coors Lite can, his molestation of the Minnesota Vikings' mascot "Viktor E. Viking", and clips of his bachelor party, where strippers reportedly frolicked in over 1,000 pounds of carp. "You want to take my Fedor from me?" crowed Chief UFC Cry Baby Dana White. "Scott Coker, I play for keeps!"

Kenny Florian: "I Was Winning Until BJ Beat The Piss Out Of Me"

Lightweight contender Kenny Florian may have been defeated in his UFC 101 scrap against BJ Penn, but according to a recent radio interview, the Massachusetts native feels he was ahead on the scorecards until they actually started fighting. "I was winning until BJ beat the piss out of me," said Florian, who for four rounds managed to batter the Hawaiian's fists with his head before succumbing to a choke. "I mean, up until when the referee said 'go', I was kicking his ass. You could see it on BJ's face." The night ended with Florian tapping out. But the TUF 1 veteran insists that before that, and before the referee even said 'go', he was in Penn's head and on the verge of victory. "Honestly, I had him right where I wanted him, right where we'd planned on him being. I mean, if not for the hellacious beating I took on the feet for the duration of Rounds 1 through 3, and the takedown and dominance he exerted over me on the ground in Round 4, I would've at least gotten the decision."

Observations From My Couch: UFC 101

• Kurt Pellegrino earned a solid win over a decent opponent in Josh Neer, and "Batman" managed to do it without using his air-powered grappling-hook gun, his forearm brace that shoots throwing stars, or any of the other nifty inventions the Dark Knight often employs.
• I love Ricardo Almeida and believe he's an icon, but against Kendall Grove the man was a human hug-machine and blanket. I miss the smooth submission master.
• Maybe Amir Sadollah's bout was stopped too soon, maybe it wasn't. Either way, he needs to learn to intelligently defend himself at all times.
• Aaron Riley vs. Shane Nelson was like a man fighting a boy. Nelson needs to hit puberty fast if wants to be competitive against the other lightweights.
• Anderson Silva didn't just defeat Forrest Griffin, he owned him. Griffin is now Silva's manservant and must do his new master's bidding without question.
• Regardless of whatever happens at welterweight, BJ Penn is the absolute king of the lightweights. Who can possibly challenge him? Diego Sanchez? Frankie Edgar? Gray Maynard? Maybe if they all fought him at once...

Predictions for UFC 101: "Ultimate No Eddie Alvarez"

The UFC comes to Philly - the land of cheesesteaks, aggressive football fans and restaurants where smoking is allowed - and strangely enough, the card lacks fighters from Pennsylvania. Wait, that's not true. Undercarder Matt Riddle was born in Allentown before moving to New York. But other than that, it's doubtful that anyone competing on Saturday night could even find the state on the map. Why the shortage on homegrown talent? Was there no one local worthy of setting foot in the Octagon? I wonder... So, wahoo! UFC 101 predictions!

• It's easy to assume that BJ Penn is going to slaughter Kenny Florian, especially since Penn hasn't lost at lightweight since UFC 35 (and even then it was a close decision). But I give Florian a lot of credit for making himself into a skilled and dangerous fighter, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say Penn will merely massacre the New Englander.
• Forrest Griffin's got a lot heart - which will be proven when Anderson Silva rips it out of the TUF winner's chest and holds it up for all to see.
• Amir Sadollah - does anyone really remember who he is or what happened during his season of TUF? I sure don't. In fact, when he gets into the cage and faces off against Johny Hendricks, Hendricks is going to snap his fingers and say, "Oh, now I remember who you are! You're my pizza delivery guy!"
• If Kendall Grove survives Ricardo Almeida's early, first-round submission assault, Almeida will be mentally broken and become easy prey for the Hawaiian's... whatever it is he does. Clinch and knee game? Dirty boxing? Who knows.
• Josh Neer vs. Kurt Pellegrino? That match-up has staph infection written all over it! (Get it? 'Cause they're both grapplers? Heh.)

UFC 101 in Philadelphia Still Woefully Short on Eddie Alvarez

Saturday's UFC 101, which is slated for the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, is still woefully short on Eddie Alvarez - a man considered by all to be the greatest MMA fighter to ever emerge from the "City of Brotherly Love". The card, the organization's first in Pennsylvania, will feature lightweight champ BJ Penn defending his belt against Kenny Florian, while in the co-main event 185-pound champ Anderson Silva moves up to light-heavyweight to take on Forrest Griffin. Unfortunately, Alvarez, who has established himself as a top ten 155-pound wrecking machine and has seen success in DREAM and Bellator FC (the latter of which paid him $175,000 for his recent tournament-winning efforts), will be nowhere near the Octagon on Saturday. Said a randomly called resident of Philadelphia, "Who is this? What do you want? Don't ever call here again."

Observations From My Couch: UFC 100

• The robbery perpetrated in the rendering of the decision for the Yoshihiro Akiyama/Alan Belcher fight was so blatant and egregious that Akiyama now has a felony on his record.
• Dan Henderson may have landed a huge, crowd-pleasing knockout, but he did fans everywhere a great disservice. No way are we going to be able to understand what Michael Bisping says now.
• Next on Ultimate Grip Fighting Championship: Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago. Who will come out on top in the meticulous and pain-staking battle to do nothing but place their hands on various strategic parts of their opponent's body? Stay tuned!
• Georges St. Pierre looked dominant, but that groin injury he sustained was inevitable. No one can dry hump someone for 25 minutes without injuring themselves. No one.
• Coors Lite and banging your wife, eh? Brock, are you telling us this because you feel insecure about that dingling tattooed on your chest? Methinks the wrestler doth protest too much.

Predictions for UFC 100: "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View"

UFC 100 is nearly upon us, and the event - dubbed "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View" - might actually be worth the clams shelled out to watch the damn thing. There are about two and a half main events, with Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir squaring off, Georges St. Pierre and Thiago Alves doing their thang, and Michael Bisping and Dan Hend... zzzzzz. Ahem, anyway, predictions!

• Brock, oh Brock. Brockety-Brock. Brock-brock-brock-bakaw! Brock-the-house, brock-brock-the-house. Brock-and-roll forever, baby!
• Oh yeah, Mir by submission.
• As Alves is more of a striker than a grappler, St. Pierre's technique of slathering himself with Vaseline, baby oil, raw petroleum and margarine will avail him naught. Alves by TKO, and St. Pierre will leave the Octagon a broken man, comforted only by the loving snorts of his moose, Matilda.
• Dan Henderson is getting old but is still tougher than a $2 steak. Bisping's greatest moment was his gritty portrayal of Pikey Number 4 in the movie "Snatch". Hendo by split decision.
• Congratulations Paulo Thiago, you've defeated Josh Koscheck! Your reward: a fatal beating at the hands of Jon Fitch! Yay!
• Yoshihiro Akiyama by JUDO CHOP! Hiyaaa!

Inaugural UFC 100 Brochure Hits Newsstands

The inaugural "UFC 100" brochure has hit the newsstands, and like any piece of great journalism, this homegrown publication doesn't shy away from tackling the issues and asking the hard questions. In this edition (the first of what could be many such informative brochures if the public is willing to pay for them), readers will learn:

• Why the UFC is the best organization ever.
• Why Dana White is the coolest guy around. You only wish you could be like him. Go on, shave your head and curse a lot. You know you want to.
• Other organizations suck. We hate them. Strikeforce? Affliction? Phooey!
• Fighters under contract with the UFC are the best in the world. Fighters not under contract with the UFC stink. If they didn't stink, they'd be under contract with the UFC.
• Fedor isn't real.
• Lorenzo Fertitta - the man, the myth, the legend.
• "Give me cheeseburgers or give me death" - the Joe Silva story.
• UFC 106 to feature just a whole bunch of senior citizens thumb wrestling; why it's worth your pay-per-view dollars.
• Isn't Brock Lesnar great?
• Why the UFC is the best organization ever - part II.

In addition, the UFC brochure is packed with quotes, tips and photos from all your favorite Dana White moments - plus a pull-out centerfold of the man himself. Buy now!

Vitor Belfort's Worm Excited at Prospect of Returning to UFC

When rumors circulated last week of Vitor Belfort's possible return to the UFC to face middleweight champ Anderson Silva, fans voiced their excitement over the chance of seeing the prodigal son with the crowd-pleasing flurry in the Octagon once more. But none are more excited than Belfort's worm, which has resided in his intestines since his 1997 loss to Randy Couture and has provided the Brazilian with excuses for nearly every MMA loss. "Oh yeah, it's going to be great," said the worm, who sapped Belfort of his energy against Couture and managed to fracture Belfort's hand against Kazushi Sakuraba. "The UFC is without question the premiere organization out there and they treat us right. It's like coming home." As Belfort is still under contract with Affliction, it's unclear if Dana White has actually made an offer or if it's all just speculation. But one thing is sure: Belfort and his worm will be ready to fight, lose and make excuses when the time comes.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 99

• Dan Hardy is a big pile of I AM NOT IMPRESSED.
• Caol Uno came to grapple and Spencer Fisher came to flee. Why was Fisher awarded the decision?
• Is it me or do German fans act like retarded Southern rednecks? And what's with rubbing a fighter's head when he's walking to the cage?
• Mick Swick is a badass. Ben Saunders is the exact opposite of a badass.
• I don't know what happened to the Mirko CroCop who used to thrill us in Pride, but damn do I miss him.
• Cheick Kongo, why are you wrestling that guy? Stop it. You're a kickass striker, not a kickass grappler.
• Watching Wanderlei Silva fight nowadays is like watching your drunk uncle get into fist fights on his lawn. You love the guy, but damn does it get ugly.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 98

• Once again it's sad watching the passing of our heroes. For the longest time, Sean Sherk was the man. Now it seems it's Frankie Edgar's turn.
• Dan Miller is better than that. Much.
• Xavier Foupa-Pokam. The purest embodiment of "the suck" the Octagon has seen in quite a while.
• Does this mean the Northeast MMA scene gets Andre Gusmao back? I have no problem with that. He can be pretty exciting at times.
• Matt Serra was robbed, plain and simple.
• Holy karate!

Things That Won't Happen at UFC 98

UFC 98 is Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, with light-heavyweight champ Rashad Evans defending his belt against Lyoto "Bruce Leroy" Machida, and Matt Hughes and Matt Serra finally meeting in a co-main event heralded as a grudge match but more akin to "Oh Jeez, Just Get the Damn Fight Over With" bout. Anyhoo, here's a list of things that won't happen at UFC 98:

• Machida will not move forward. In fact, the infamous backpedaler will make his way to the Octagon backwards.
• Hughes and Serra will not engage in a rousing striking-only battle. No, something about that whole match-up screams "Grappling! One man laying on another!"
• Xavier Foupa-Pokam's name will not be made fun of at any afterparties. By drunken strippers. To his face. While he secretly weeps on the inside. At the painful memories of kids in grade school making fun of him.
• Chael Sonnen will not win.
• Frankie Edgar and Sean Sherk will not engage in or employ any kind of wrestling or wrestling technique. Instead, they will box like 1920s style boxers with their "dukes up".

Q & A with Mirko CroCop's Shin

With the recent news that Mirko CroCop may be returning to the Octagon for UFC 99 in Germany, MMA Journalist tracked down the once-feared Pride star's shin for an interview. Always willing to talk, CroCop's shin addressed a number of issues, including up-coming opponent Mustapha Al-Turk and the pressure of performing.

• So, you're CroCop's shin. How's that working out for you? Great! It's going great.
• How's it feel to be returning to the UFC? Things didn't exactly work out for you the last time around... No, they absolutely did not. But you know what? I blame that on bad match-ups.
• Bad match-ups? Yeah. I mean, look at who I faced. Gabriel Gonzaga, who totally copied my signature move - which I had trademarked, and yes, there is still legal action pending for trademark infringement. And then there was Cheick Kongo. Do you realize how tall that guy is? I can get up that high, man. I just can't.
• Okay, so you faced opponents who were bad match-ups for you. What about your UFC 99 opponent, Mustapha Al-Turk? Oh, he should be no problem. He's only about 6'2", so I definitely can reach his head.
• Do you feel any sort of pressure in regards to your return? After all, you were at one time considered one of the top heavyweight fighters in the world. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah. I was at the top but now I'm not. Listen, of course there's pressure. There always is in bouts you give a crap about. I didn't feel any pressure in my previous UFC bouts because I didn't give a crap about them. I honestly thought Pride fighters were tougher than UFC fighters, so I thought it would be easy. Well, I learned otherwise, so now I give a crap. Consequently, now I feel pressure.
• How do you feel fighting for the UFC? Do you miss Pride? I like the UFC fine. Do I miss Pride? Well, I gotta tell you, I miss that cute little Japanese number who'd hit on me after my bouts. Now I have this clown Joe Rogan sticking a microphone in my face. He is no where near as cute.
• Alrighty then. That's all the questions I have. Do you want to add anything for the fans? Sure. Stay tuned for a knockout at UFC 99. I've been kicking over banana trees in training and I'm going to take someone's head off.
• Banana trees? Really? No, not really. It just sounds cool.

"The Key to Lyoto Machida's Success Lies in His Katas"

When top 205-pound contender Lyoto Machida steps into the Octagon to face champ Rashad Evans at UFC 98 on May 23rd, the Japanese-Brazilian Shotokan karate practitioner will almost certainly have his hands full with the champ's powerful wrestling and always-dangerous striking skills. But according to homeless karate master Sho'nuff, who was formerly the Shogun of Harlem but is now an itinerant ronin who collects empty soda cans, victory is entirely within Machida's grasp. "The key to Lyoto Machida's success lies in his katas," says Sho'nuff. "If he practices his technique to the point where he reaches the 'Final Level', well, that mofo will have 'The Glow'. Know wa mean?" But what of Evans' devastating KO power and athleticism? According to Sho'nuff, if Machida is bathed in the mythical Glow, nothing the TUF 2 winner brings into the cage will matter. "Who's the meanest? Who's the prettiest? Who's the baddest mofo, lowdown, around this town? If he's got the Glow, it will be that Brazilian cat. Trust me on this one, homeboy." Added the bedraggled-looking former competitor: "Say, brother, can you loan me a dollar?"