Gallicchio Wins, Returns to Jersey with Aijan Frozen in Carbonite

The mighty Tom Gallicchio was victorious this past weekend in his quest to submit and capture Ohio's Marcus Aijan. Tracking his prey to a UMMAXX event in Akron, Gallicchio utilized a second-round triangle choke to incapacitate the submission specialist before freezing Aijan in carbonite. This was Gallicchio's first fight since his surprising loss to Rich Ashkar back in February. He has since returned to New Jersey, and Aijan's frozen form now hangs in his living room.

Tara LaRosa to Not Face Meisha Tate at ShoMMA Event

Sources within the Strikeforce organization have revealed that Miesha Tate will not be facing Tara LaRosa at the ShoMMA: "Strikeforce Challengers" event on May 15th. Instead, Tate will be facing Sarah Kaufman, an undefeated 8-0 competitor who replaces original opponent Kim Couture (Couture withdrew for "personal reasons") and who is definitely not the top-ranked 135-pound female fighter LaRosa. "I am very excited not to be fighting the best female fighter in the world," said Tate on the match-up. "Yeah, me too," added Kaufman, who, like Tate, can breathe a sigh of relief now that her first bout on the inaugural Strikeforce Challengers event won't end in a definite humiliating loss. Said Tate and Kaufman in unison, "Imagine getting tapped out on live TV?" And then they giggled.

Toby Frickin' Imada

On Friday night's Bellator FC, lifelong journeyman Toby Imada catapulted himself into the major leagues with a never-before-seen inverted upside-down triangle choke that left top ten lightweight Jorge Masvidal tumbling to the mat unconscious. How huge an upset was that? About as big an upset as when that iceberg defeated the Titanic via TKO back in 1912. For two and a half rounds Imada got the worst of the stand-up exchanges, and as expected Masvidal was cruising into his slot in the finals, where he'd be facing Eddie Alvarez at a later date. Now, with that "submission of the year" candidate, it's going to be Imada versus Alvarez in a Bellator FC lightweight tournament finale that's suddenly been infused with storyline and drama. Woot!

As the Couture Turns

In today's episode, Doctor Randy Couture's marriage to Kim Couture is in jeopardy after the vaunted brain surgeon files for divorce. Daughter Gina Carano is stricken with amnesia and believes herself to be a member of Greg Jackson's gang of bank robbers, while back at Zuffa General Hospital it's revealed that Lorenzo Fertita is Dana White's long-lost father - the product of an illicit one-night stand with Tom Atencio. Kimbo Slice's wedding to Scott Coker is interrupted by an intoxicated and rowdy Joe Silva, who later professes his love to the former EliteXC star, and across town love is in the air as a first date between Forrest Griffin and Anderson Silva goes off without a hitch. Like sands in the hourglass, these are the days of our lives...

Weekend Schedule

Eddie Alvarez and Jorge Masvidal are taking on Eric Reynolds and Toby Imada in the next round of Bellator FC's lightweight tournament. The event is in Ohio tonight but will air on ESPN Deportes tomorrow. Expect the Philadelphia slugger and Miami maimer to wreck house.

The Asylum Fight League will be having a grand all-day shindig at the Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey on Saturday. According to their press release, experienced pros like Alvarez, Phil Baroni, Kurt Pellegrino, Martin Kampmann and Jay Heiron will be conducting seminars, plus there will be a wrestling tournament and a NAGA grappling tournament going down. Then, in the evening, there will be a 13-bout AFL amateur MMA event. That's a lot of combat sports for one day.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up of Dana White, martini in hand as he stands on a balcony overlooking the Bellagio. Below, the famous choreographed fountain, and as a gentle breeze dances past he looks back at those gathered around him: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Michael Bisping, token Asian dude and some old man. "Gentlemen, I have a plan to knock over the vaults in three casinos," says Dana. "Do you want to be a fucking thief?"

Cue Elvis Presley song remix.

Back at the TUF house, Team America: World Police fighter Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All tries desperately to overcompensate for something. What could it be? "I've humped 70 or 80 girls, man," he says, effeminately stroking himself while humming bars of ABBA's "Dancing Queen". "I don't even know how many girls I've humped," he says as he wraps a pink feather boa around his neck. "I even humped my best friend's wife." A pause as he dons a pair of purple, rhinestone-studded sunglasses. "Seriously, fellas, I am so not gay."

The next day a fight match-up is chosen - Santino DeBrainAneurysmo and Andre The Weiner. These two must not be interesting at all because we get almost no backstory or build-up. One minute they're chosen to fight, the next minute they're fighting. Which, in this instance, is Santino DeBrainAneurysmo once again applying his "go fetal" technique in the hopes that somehow his opponent will leave him for dead and focus on something else, and then... bam! Santino DeBrainAneurysmo attacks him! But no, Andre the Weiner isn't fooled, and the Brit pounds on the American until referee Moustache Mazagatti yells "Where's my moustache?"

Then Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All grabs Mark Miller's butt and nervously repeats, "Screw you guys, I'm not gay. Not gay, not gay, not gay!" And he does a ballet pirouette and sprinkles his teammates with gold sparkles.

Meanwhile, Don Cheadle buys an enormous drill and starts digging a tunnel under the Golden Nugget, while George Clooney compliments Catherine Zeta-Jones on her snappy outfit as the two sip mojitos poolside at Mandalay Bay. At the Hard Rock, Michael Bisping - wearing a bell hop uniform circa 1920 - delivers the luggage of an elderly couple from Wisconsin to their room.

"Guys, we have to stop sucking," says the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) to her Team America: World Police charges. Since there are still castmembers with no interesting backstory whatsoever, another fight is arranged for the episode - the Marquis de Johnson against the British Mr. T. Again, there is zero build-up. One minute their match-up is declared, the next they're in the cage.

Meanwhile, Matt Damon trades witty banter with Brad Pitt. Token Asian dude and old man pop out of a box and release fleas into a hotel room in the Luxor. Michael Bisping finds himself within a casino vault, decked out in SWAT gear and talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. "Awright geeza! So, I loved winnie da pooh in da 'Godfarfer', but Lord Fauntleroy did Sophia Coppola stink. Sorted mated." Like most humans, Andy Garcia can't understand a word Michael Bisping says, and in frustration he throws his cell phone on the floor and smashes it repeatedly with his cane. The Brit leaves the casino vault with bags of money tucked under each arm.

In the Octagon the Marquis de Johnson and the British Mr. T fight. "I pity the chap who fights me!" declares the British Mr. T, and he takes the Marquis de Johnson down and promptly taps out to a triangle choke. Afterwards, everyone wonders why coach Bisping missed the fight.

"In nine seasons of 'The Ultimate Fighter' a coach has never missed a fight," says Dana with a grin. The camera pulls back, revealing him to be surrounded by piles and piles of money.

The end.

Fedor Defeats Aoki in Grappling Match, Declared #1 Lightweight by WAMMA

Heavyweight superstar Fedor Emelianenko defeated top-ranked lightweight Shinya Aoki in a grappling exhibition match at DEEP/M-1 Challenge in Japan today, besting the crafty and popular Japanese submission specialist with an anklelock. After his victory, the Russian sambo champ - who's defeated the likes of Andrei Arlovski, Tim Sylvia and various bears and Yetii in unarmed combat - was awarded the World Alliance of Mixed Martial Arts (WAMMA) lightweight championship belt. "We feel that Fedor's accomplishments as lightweight merit it," said WAMMA executive Joe Bloggerstein. "He's the WAMMA heavyweight champ and now he's also the WAMMA lightweight champ, making him the man to beat in both divisions." Through the aid of a translator, the crestfallen Aoki added: "What's a 'WAMMA'?"

Feared Bounty Hunter Tom Gallicchio Travelling to Ohio to Capture Marcus Ajian Dead or Alive

Feared bounty hunter Tom "Boba Fett" Gallicchio will be travelling from New Jersey to Ohio this weekend to compete at some event in Akron called UMMAXX and capture opponent Marcus Ajian either dead or alive. This will mark Gallicchio's first venture out of the Garden State while tracking quarry, although it won't be the first time the dangerous Team Pellegrino representative has faced someone as purportedly submission-savvy as Ajian (to this day, Gallicchio still wears the pelt of vanquished foe Igor Gracie). Said local Imperial officer Admiral Piett of Gallicchio's impending visit: "Bounty hunters. We don't need their scum."

A Piece of MMA History: Sportfighting's "Bragging Rights"

Most know Brian Cimins as the man behind Grapplers Quest, the popular and long-running grappling tournament that has seen thousands upon thousands of would-be submission specialists hone their ground games on its mats throughout the years. But for those lucky enough to find themselves at the Marist High School gymnasium in Bayonne, New Jersey, on November 9th, 2002, Cimins was the promoter of Sportfighting's "Bragging Rights" - an MMA event that saw the humble debuts of Dante Rivera and Deividas Taurosevicius, Muay Thai and jiu-jitsu ace Nakapan Phungephorn scrap with sambo specialist Vlad Koulikov, and Team Renzo rep Mark Colangelo armbar Jon Weidler in a quick and surprising upset. Back then these were our Northeast up-and-comers and stars, and with just two Reality Fighting events and one Ring of Combat in the books, and BAMA Fight Night's schedule irregular at best, Sportfighting was the only other place one could see these fighters in action. Sadly, three years would pass before Cimins promoted another installment of his MMA brand, and he's since focused exclusively on Grapplers Quest. Meanwhile, Rivera went on to TUF, Taurosevicius went on to the IFL, and many of the other names on the card have gone into either teaching or obscurity (and in September, 2005, event referee Joe Priole died of cancer). However, on that November night in 2002, Sportfighting was king.

Fun with Laws

The bill to legalize MMA in New York State is on the front burner now getting scrutinized by the Tourism, Arts and Sports Development Committee (where it was stalled last year). If it survives, it gets voted on in the State Assembly and State Senate and then signed by the governor. Then it's "Yay. Woo. Party time. Pro MMA returns to New York." When the bill passes, credit should go to Zuffa and their regulatory guru Marc Ratner for getting all their legislative ducks in a row, but also to people like Jeff Blatnik, Brian McLaughlin and a ton of others who took the time to educate legislators whenever they could. So what are some of the more salient points of the current incarnation of the bill (a bill that's been re-written a few times already)?

• An 8.5% gate tax on all gross revenues generated from ticket sales. This is sort of hefty, and more than anything would be discouraging to mid- and lower-level promoters than to someone like the UFC or Strikeforce.
• A 3% tax on gross revenues from broadcasting, with a cap of $50,000 (i.e., the State maxes out on 50 large).
• The New York State Athletic Commission has to add martial arts organizations to its "approved list", which means blokes representing the United States Naked Oil Wrestling Federation and the International Karate and Coffee-Enema League might now have a chance at putting on sanctioned events - provided those organizations are viable and meet NYSAC standards.
• A "professional combative sports participant" is any fighter who competes for money, or teaches, or "pursues or assists in the practice of mixed martial arts as a means of obtaining a livelihood or pecuniary gain". Um, doesn't this sound like anyone connected to MMA, including journalists and fight gear and clothing salesman, would now be considered a participant?
• A "professional combative sports match or exhibition" is now any bout where participants receive anything for their troubles or admission is charged to the event. This pretty much sews up the loophole that allowed events like the Underground Combat League.
• Gyms teaching MMA are subject to licensing by the NYSAC.
• There's a three-year sunset clause on the bill, meaning that after three years the law is automatically repealed. Really, think of this just as a mandatory review clause to encourage tweaking if things aren't working out as planned.