Dana White to Be Inducted Into UFC Hall of Fame Twice

UFC Chief Megalomaniac Dana White announced last night via Twitter that he will be inducted into the UFC's Hall of Fame twice, with a formal ceremony taking place at UFC 100 at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas on Saturday night. The tweet, which read "!@#&*%$#!@?/&*%$!", put to rest months of rumors and speculation about who was worthy of those two coveted Hall of Fame spots, and for his role as center of the MMA universe, it should come as no surprise that "The Bald and Vulgar One" would get the nod. Previously inducted Hall of Fame members include Dana White, Dana White, and a bunch of fighters who think that Dana White is awesome.

Inaugural UFC 100 Brochure Hits Newsstands

The inaugural "UFC 100" brochure has hit the newsstands, and like any piece of great journalism, this homegrown publication doesn't shy away from tackling the issues and asking the hard questions. In this edition (the first of what could be many such informative brochures if the public is willing to pay for them), readers will learn:

• Why the UFC is the best organization ever.
• Why Dana White is the coolest guy around. You only wish you could be like him. Go on, shave your head and curse a lot. You know you want to.
• Other organizations suck. We hate them. Strikeforce? Affliction? Phooey!
• Fighters under contract with the UFC are the best in the world. Fighters not under contract with the UFC stink. If they didn't stink, they'd be under contract with the UFC.
• Fedor isn't real.
• Lorenzo Fertitta - the man, the myth, the legend.
• "Give me cheeseburgers or give me death" - the Joe Silva story.
• UFC 106 to feature just a whole bunch of senior citizens thumb wrestling; why it's worth your pay-per-view dollars.
• Isn't Brock Lesnar great?
• Why the UFC is the best organization ever - part II.

In addition, the UFC brochure is packed with quotes, tips and photos from all your favorite Dana White moments - plus a pull-out centerfold of the man himself. Buy now!

Dana White Changes Tune, Declares Kimbo Slice "Best Heavyweight Ever"

In a sudden reversal of position, UFC Chief Schizophrenic Dana White has declared Kimbo Slice "the best heavyweight ever", and has opened up his checkbook to entice the former EliteXC star into participating in the tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter". The words of praise are a stark contrast to the opinion White touted when Slice headlined two CBS-broadcasted fight cards, an opinion which included such descriptives as "garbage", "trash", "talentless", "not a real fighter" and "I hate him, he's doo-doo". Now, however, when faced with a stale reality TV show format and stagnant ratings, that tune has changed. "Kimbo Slice is a great man," said White. "And not just a great man, but a humanitarian, a philanthropist, a philatelist and a stud. The UFC is lucky to have him." TUF 10 will also feature Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Rashad Evans as coaches, and is slated to air on SpikeTV after White's medication wears off.

Dana White Promotional Tour to Include Appearance on Jimmy Fallon Show, Ringing NASDAQ Bell, Selling Hotdogs at Gray's Papaya and Using Macy's Toilet

In conjunction with his promotional tour for the release of the "UFC 2009 Undisputed" video game, UFC Giant Tiki-Tiki Head Dana White will be appearing on the "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" show tonight in New York City, as well as ringing the closing bell for the NASDAQ stock exchange. According to a statement issued by Zuffa, White will also be selling hotdogs at the 72nd Street & Broadway Gray's Papaya location at midday, using the toilet at the world-famous Macy's department store in midtown, vomiting on the sidewalk in front of where CBGB's once stood on the Bowery and hawking stolen car stereos under the Manhattan Bridge in Chinatown. If his schedule permits it, White will also stab a pedestrian in Morningside Park and pass out in a hooker's apartment in the Frederick Douglass Houses low-income housing projects.

Dana White and John Hackleman Exchange Barbs Over Hairstyles

UFC High Exhalted One Dana White and longtime Chuck Liddell-trainer John Hackleman, two of the industry's more recognizable bald men, exchanged barbs over hairstyles yesterday. At the heart of the matter is White's insistence that Liddell shave off his Mohawk after the former 205-pound champ's recent KO loss to Mauricio "Shogun" Rua. According to White, Liddell - once one of the most feared Mohawk-sporting fighters in MMA - is past his competitive hirsute prime, and at the UFC 97 post-fight press conference White stated, "This is the last team you will see Chuck's legendary hairstyle in the Octagon."

"Dana doesn't know what he's talking about," said Hackleman, who in his youth enjoyed a healthy and expansive afro but has for the last 15 years been hairless atop his head. "Chuck's Mohawk is still very capable and very dangerous, and besides, it's up to Chuck to decide what he'll do with his hair. Dana's just jealous his own hairline receded so badly back in 2003."

"I guess John's still saving up for hair plugs," said White in response. "But I know what's best for Chuck. He needs to shave it off."

Anderson Silva and Roy Jones Jr. Agree to Tantalize and Torment Fans Interested in Match-Up

UFC middleweight demigod Anderson Silva and boxing legend Roy Jones Jr. have agreed to relentlessly tantalize and torment fans interested in a match-up between the two, according to a report issued today by the Internet. Silva and Jones have proposed to dangle the idea of their meeting in the Octagon before fight-hungry fans indefinitely, and have even gone so far as to agree to facing each other under MMA rules - despite assurances from UFC Chief Scrooge Dana White that the bout would never happen. "I'd rather let another organization have Roy Jones Jr.," said White. "The UFC isn't about making money or pleasing fans. We'll leave that to someone else." Meanwhile, Strikeforce honcho Scott Coker released a statement, emphatically crying out "Oooh! Me! Me! Me!"

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up of Dana White, martini in hand as he stands on a balcony overlooking the Bellagio. Below, the famous choreographed fountain, and as a gentle breeze dances past he looks back at those gathered around him: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Michael Bisping, token Asian dude and some old man. "Gentlemen, I have a plan to knock over the vaults in three casinos," says Dana. "Do you want to be a fucking thief?"

Cue Elvis Presley song remix.

Back at the TUF house, Team America: World Police fighter Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All tries desperately to overcompensate for something. What could it be? "I've humped 70 or 80 girls, man," he says, effeminately stroking himself while humming bars of ABBA's "Dancing Queen". "I don't even know how many girls I've humped," he says as he wraps a pink feather boa around his neck. "I even humped my best friend's wife." A pause as he dons a pair of purple, rhinestone-studded sunglasses. "Seriously, fellas, I am so not gay."

The next day a fight match-up is chosen - Santino DeBrainAneurysmo and Andre The Weiner. These two must not be interesting at all because we get almost no backstory or build-up. One minute they're chosen to fight, the next minute they're fighting. Which, in this instance, is Santino DeBrainAneurysmo once again applying his "go fetal" technique in the hopes that somehow his opponent will leave him for dead and focus on something else, and then... bam! Santino DeBrainAneurysmo attacks him! But no, Andre the Weiner isn't fooled, and the Brit pounds on the American until referee Moustache Mazagatti yells "Where's my moustache?"

Then Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All grabs Mark Miller's butt and nervously repeats, "Screw you guys, I'm not gay. Not gay, not gay, not gay!" And he does a ballet pirouette and sprinkles his teammates with gold sparkles.

Meanwhile, Don Cheadle buys an enormous drill and starts digging a tunnel under the Golden Nugget, while George Clooney compliments Catherine Zeta-Jones on her snappy outfit as the two sip mojitos poolside at Mandalay Bay. At the Hard Rock, Michael Bisping - wearing a bell hop uniform circa 1920 - delivers the luggage of an elderly couple from Wisconsin to their room.

"Guys, we have to stop sucking," says the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) to her Team America: World Police charges. Since there are still castmembers with no interesting backstory whatsoever, another fight is arranged for the episode - the Marquis de Johnson against the British Mr. T. Again, there is zero build-up. One minute their match-up is declared, the next they're in the cage.

Meanwhile, Matt Damon trades witty banter with Brad Pitt. Token Asian dude and old man pop out of a box and release fleas into a hotel room in the Luxor. Michael Bisping finds himself within a casino vault, decked out in SWAT gear and talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. "Awright geeza! So, I loved winnie da pooh in da 'Godfarfer', but Lord Fauntleroy did Sophia Coppola stink. Sorted mated." Like most humans, Andy Garcia can't understand a word Michael Bisping says, and in frustration he throws his cell phone on the floor and smashes it repeatedly with his cane. The Brit leaves the casino vault with bags of money tucked under each arm.

In the Octagon the Marquis de Johnson and the British Mr. T fight. "I pity the chap who fights me!" declares the British Mr. T, and he takes the Marquis de Johnson down and promptly taps out to a triangle choke. Afterwards, everyone wonders why coach Bisping missed the fight.

"In nine seasons of 'The Ultimate Fighter' a coach has never missed a fight," says Dana with a grin. The camera pulls back, revealing him to be surrounded by piles and piles of money.

The end.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 2

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Dana White greets us in his sacred homeland of Las "F-Bomb" Vegas, where he's assembled what will soon be an army of assorted goons and ruffians to confront the invading Brits. And by "assorted" I mean "motley", and by "goons" I mean "tough guys", and by "ruffians" I mean "men that would steal your lunch money and leave you stuffed inside a locker". And by "confront", I mean "live in a house under 24-hour surveillance, while over the loudspeakers Dana's voice is played on a continuous loop of curse words and techno music", and by "Brits" I mean "people that speak in foreign languages and require subtitles for us to understand them". Anyway, Dana says hi. And drops F-bombs. And introduces the Queen of England (also known mysteriously as "Dan" - I guess Rich Franklin is dead?) as their coach for Team America: World Police.

Right away fighters are discarded like human refuse. Someone named My God I Have Herpes On National Television And I'm Never Getting Laid Again is booted, but not before Dana says the word "herpes" about 50 times and brands him with a hot iron and makes him wear a scarlet "H" on his shirt. Someone else is deemed too fat.

Close up of Dana: lost, alone without his British "friend" Michael Bisping. A single tear streams down Dana's cheek. "This is the worst start to the season in the history of the show," he says, but what he really means to say is, "Michael... Michael... I miss you."

Then there are fights. Dana and the Queen of England make two brothers face each other in the cage, and the brothers do, stumbling each other with punches until one of them drops. The winner, Mark Miller, is then forced to cut his fallen sibling's throat, shoot him with a derringer, and back over him with a VW Jetta. Mark is sad but all the while Dana laughs. The perverse laugh of Satan, sitting in a recliner in Hell on a lazy Sunday afternoon, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon while sins are replayed in slow-motion on a big LCD television.

Comedian Carrot Top enters the cage sans props. He defeats some dude of no memorable characteristics whatsoever.

Close up of Dana, this time with music - slow, wistful music. "I... I miss you, Michael..." Dana mutters, but the Queen of England ignores him, maybe a little embarrassed at Dana's confession.

Someone with a brain aneurysm named Santino Defranco gets into the cage. He apparently wants to fight in the UFC before he dies, but no one has told him that fighting requires him to punch back, as the first round sees him lay down against the fence and let another man beat on him relentlessly. In between rounds Defranco's corner lets him know that he can, in fact, hit back, so he comes out and destroys his opponent. His brain aneurysm pulses. Threatens to explode.

Someone named Steve Berger fights. Steve fought in the UFC back in 2002, so he gets to fight in the Octagon again because the Statute of Limitations has expired or something like that. He loses. Some punk rocker fights, gets beat on, then chokes his opponent out before time runs out. Someone named The Marquis de Johnson defeats Ray Elbow. The canvas is eventually stained crimson with Ray Elbow's blood.

Dana cackles maniacally, but inside he aches. "Michael... my Michael," he says, and adds some solemn F-bombs.

Team American: World Police is almost complete. However, two more potential members still have to fight, and they'll battle it out against some other yahoos next week.

Another tear streams down Dana's cheek. Fade to black.

President Obama Calls For Healing in Wake of Dana White's Profanity-Laced Tirade

President Barack Obama called for healing today in the wake of UFC Chief Potty Mouth Dana White's profanity-laced tirade, a tirade that rocked the nation's very foundation after it aired on the Internet last week. Speaking to the ailing country from the Oval Office, the Commander in Chief spoke of unity and bi-partisanship, and the strength and resolve of all being tested in this difficult time. "We as a people have lost our innocence," said Mr. Obama. "But we will heal, and we will emerge from this crisis a better nation for it." No word yet on whether there will be military action taken against Dana White, but reports indicate that elements of the 82nd Airborne have been mobilized to Las Vegas.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 1

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up shot of Dana White, driven down the mean streets of London to the gym where Michael Bisping practices his best Brad-Pitt-in-"Snatch" accent and sips tea and eats crumpets. They hug, long lost friends in a world where friends curse a lot and feign machismo, and they enter the gym where others of various degrees of fighting prowess and incoherent accents all want to be Dana's friend. "There are 16 of you but only eight are flying back to Las Vegas," says Dana, implying that the others must swim. Or stay there, where their accents will remain unfettered by the shackles of grammar and communicative ability.

"Jolly good," says one, a young lightweight with a handlebar moustache and a bowler atop his head. His name could be Gary Kelly or Grace Kelly or something, and he apparently trains with Bisping, as when he gets knocked out by a fighter from Narnia named Andre Winner, Bisping curses, saying "bollocks" like it means something dirty but it makes me think of buttocks. I laugh. Subtitles dance across the screen whenever a UK fighter talks and I laugh some more.

Others fight, one after the other entering the cage to earn a berth on Team UK, which will match up against Team US this season. Cageside, Dana and Bisping laugh and joke and share odd embraces, while Rich Franklin and the Queen of England sit taking notes (the Queen is sometimes referred to as "Dan". It's never explained why.) Within the Octagon, an assortment of fighters hailing from various UK neighborhoods like Nottingham Forest, the Shire, Middle Earth and Earthsea do battle. A shapeshifting referee, sometimes appearing like an over-tanned Mr. Clean, other times appearing like a smaller man who constantly says "lad", oversees the action.

A Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ named James Wilks tries to steal someone named Che Mills' leg. According to Wikipedia, the Pikey are like gypsies and cannot be trusted. Another fighter named Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap enters the cage and faces a street urchin named Oliver Twist. Oh poor Oliver! Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap feeds Oliver knees, which, as Oliver is but a sad street urchin, is the most he's eaten in weeks. "Please, sir, may I have some more?" Oliver asks meekly, and then the referee declares he's eaten enough and Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap is going to Las Vegas, where he will be tricked into eating urine-soaked fruit and man-splooge.

Meanwhile, Dana and Bisping giggle and whisper in each other's ears, then giggle some more.

Someone with a dire need for a plastic surgeon (or a better plastic surgeon than they already have) talks a lot but loses to a British Mr. T of the A-Team. A member of the Sex Pistols fights, another friend of Bisping except this time Bisping declares that he sucks amidst chuckles and snickers as he and Dana poke and tickle each other like friends are oft to do. Despite his suckiness, the Sex Pistol (Sid Vicious? Johnny Rotten?) wins. Then there are no more fights, and the eight remaining competitors are given jerseys by Bisping and Dana says the F-word. Maybe it's gratuitous, maybe it's necessary. I don't know. Just then, the acid kicks in.

Roger Huerta Forgoes UFC Contract to Star in Mexican Soap Opera

UFC lightweight star Roger Huerta announced this week that he will not be re-signing with the organization. Instead, the man who's waged many a war in the Octagon (and even graced the cover of Sports Illustrated) will pursue a career in acting, and his first role will be as a giant anthropomorphic bumblebee in the telenovela Roger la del Barrio. Said Huerta, "All my life I've watched these programs on Telemundo and now I get to star in one. It's a dream come true." Roger la del Barrio is the story of a bumblebee trying to find love in South Central Los Angeles, and will air weekday afternoons. Check your local listings.

Five Reasons Why Phillipe Nover Will Beat Efrain Escudero

TUF 8 finalists Phillipe Nover and Efrain Escudero will duke it out tomorrow night at the TUF finale on SpikeTV, which will determine who is this season's Ultimate Fighter and who will be relegated to mowing Dana White's lawn on the weekends for extra cash. In light of White and coach Nogueira's high praise, which was lavished on the Brooklyn native once he started clobbering foes in the Octagon like the Fantastic Four's "Thing" clobbers run-of-the-mill bank robbers, does the undefeated Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt Escudero stand a chance? Um, unless Nover slips on a banana peel on his way to the cage, the answer is "no". Here are five reason why Nover will win:

1. Not only was Nover recently awarded his jiu-jitsu black belt by Alexandre "Soca" Freitas, but he was issued a license to kill by Her Majesty's Secret Service and was made an honorary Power Ranger.
2. According to the prophecy, "No man born of Earth can harm the one they call Phillipe Nover".
3. The movie "Cloverfield" was inspired by the night Nover went out in Manhattan, had a little too much to drink and toppled three office buildings.
4. Nover got over his allergy to Kryptonite a long time ago. Now it just tastes bitter.
5. Nover has superpowers. Escudero does not.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episodes 11 & 12

The last two episodes were aired back to back, and they featured the final four match-ups to decide who makes it to the finale. Stankie more or less remained on the back burner for them, which is just as well, as Junie Browning was there to satisfy the "crazy" quotient.

• Ryan Bader is nonstop excitement and in his bout with Eliot Marshall he showed a wide range of mixed martial arts skills.
• Good Lord am I kidding. That performance was all suck, all the time.
• How well-rounded is Phillipe Nover? After tapping George Roop out with a kimura, he gave Roop a post-fight medical examination in the locker room - and then prescribed him pain medication for his shoulder!
• Krzysztof Soszynski introduced an interesting formula. He stated that one punch turns a jiu-jitsu black belt into a brown belt, and one combination can turn that same fighter into a white belt. What does a kick turn that black belt into? A purple belt? What about a knee to the midsection? A judo throw? An elbow to the jaw?
• I don't know what's worse: Browning's disgraceful actions in the house or Dana White's disgraceful decision to let him stay.
• The episode ended with coach Nogueira shaving coach Mir's head. This little bit of hairstyling coupled with White's "beat him off" comment is why TUF night is huge in gay bars across the nation.

Newsflash: Dana White Doesn't Play Fair

Ivan Tremblow (one of the best MMA bloggers out there) has a pretty solid piece up at http://www.ivansblog.com/ on the whole Dana White/Jon Fitch/American Kickboxing Academy conflagration, and in the article Tremblow points out how White is trying to drive a wedge between fighters and their managers. White's behavior, while reprehensible, is certainly nothing new. According to a manager I spoke to last year, when a certain East Coast fighter made it into the Octagon and earned himself a sizable performance-based bonus, White and company handed the fighter his money personally and urged him to keep it all for himself - a blatant attempt at undermining that fighter's relationship with his manager. Based on this and similar stories, and White's public prompting for Fitch to just call him, White is all about circumventing managers when it suits him. He always has been. And until something changes (fighters' union, anyone?), he always will.

A Message to the Media from Dana White Re: the Fitch Contract Debacle

"[Expletive] you all! I [expletive] my [expletive] [expletive] all [expletive] to [expletive], and this is just [expletive]! If you could [expletive] [expletive] a duck, then I'd [expletive] three iguanas and a [expletive] to Domino's Pizza with a piece of [expletive]. Know what I'm saying? Seriously, [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] you!"

Sheik Dana Al-Whitefa Considering Gina Carano for WEC

Reports have surfaced today that Sheik Dana Al-Whitefa may be considering allowing superstar female fighter Gina Carano to compete in the WEC - a move that would be contrary to the devout Muslim teachings Sheik Al-Whitefa has previously espoused. In a recent interview with Yahoo Foreign Minister Kevin Iolaziz, Sheik Al-Whitefa was quoted as saying, "The cage is no place for a woman. Praise be to Allah." Allowing Carano into the WEC would, without question, be a radical shift from that viewpoint, although one that may be warranted given Carano's immense popularity. As of this writing, it's not known when Carano would make her WEC debut, but it is known that as a condition of her participation, the former EliteXC fighter would have to wear a traditional Muslim burqa with a veil concealing her eyes. Any violation would be met with immediate stoning.

MMA Journalist News Haiku Roundup

It's been a busy week for news. Here are some haiku to bring you up to speed, courtesy of MMA Journalist:

• Todd Beard likes to yell/ and make threats. Kim Couture likes/ restraining orders.
• Showtime is footing/ the bill for Affliction's next/ show. Boy, are they dumb.
• Dana White changes/ his mind on women fighting./ Benjamins, baby!
• Whoever wins the/ KenFlo-Stevenson bout gets/ to be killed by Penn.
• Randy Couture is/ apparently very old. / Has that ever mattered?

Fabricio Werdum Cut From the UFC; the World Mourns

The world is in mourning today with the news that Fabricio Werdum, a Brazilian heavyweight and jiu-jitsu black belt, was cut from the UFC's roster. The purported reason behind his exit is said to have been contractual in nature, driven in no small part by the Chute Boxe fighter's shocking upset loss to Junior dos Santos at UFC 90. Werdum's career highlights included TKO wins over Brandon Vera and Gabriel Gonzaga in the Octagon, and Pride victories over Aleksander Emelianenko and Alistair Overeem. Said UFC Chief Executioner Dana White, "I know I'm not alone in feeling like we've lost a good friend today... Say, do you want to be fucking fighter?" Werdum leaves behind an ill-conceived heavyweight tournament and a disgustingly-anemic weight class. In lieu of flowers, the UFC prefers fans to make a cash donation to the "Give the UFC Your Money" charity.

Chris Leben Tests Positive For White Trashiness

UFC 89 main eventer Chris Leben, who turned in a gutsy performance against Michael Bisping at the October 18th UK event despite losing a unanimous decision, has tested positive for white trashiness according to reports. Although he was sporting cornrows and spending an inordinate amount of time in trailer parks, Leben's positive test results comes as a surprise to many - especially to those who had believed his claims that he'd given up manufacturing crystal meth and had gotten his life back on track. "We're disappointed in Chris," said UFC Chief Welfare Check Co-Signer Dana White. "He's apologized and taken responsibility for his actions, but we don't tolerate any white trash in the UFC." As punishment, Leben faces a nine-month suspension, a substantial fine, and must subsist on food stamps.

Broke Dana White Can't Afford Kimbo Slice, Begs Him to Fight for Free on TUF

UFC grand poobah Dana White revealed that his organization could not afford the services of Kimbo Slice, and at UFC 90's post-event press conference White made an impassioned plea to the EliteXC/CBS star that he fight for free on "The Ultimate Fighter". Slice, who's fought in the number one and number three most-watched MMA bouts in US history, earned $700,000 for his last bout (not counting sponsorship money); a standard TUF competitor earns nothing but can keep whatever he manages to steal from the UFC training center. Based on these figures alone, it's highly unlikely someone with Slice's popularity and drawing power would take the step down TUF represents. White, however, sounded hopeful, and even went so far as to issue his trademark interrogative. "Kimbo, do you want to be a broke-ass fighter?"