Randy Couture: Now With More Old!

Saturday night saw the unveiling of the newest version of Randy Couture: the "old man who's inspiring just by being in there". Yes, "The Natural" is a fighter able to get into the cage to give opponents a hard time and drive pay-per-view sales (hence the nice six-fight contract extension the UFC rewarded him for being 46-year-old and popular and an all-around swell dude), but he's no longer capable of beating the best. Not by a longshot. Is the multi-time champ worthy of another Octagon appearance? Sure. He could probably defeat a fair number of the scrubs out there. But thanks to his performances against Brock Lesnar and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Couture cannot be considered one the killer elite. Now, everything he does (like win) or doesn't do (like win) is overshadowed by the fact that he's the oldest guy in the cage. Randy Couture: now with more old!

Observations From My Couch: UFC 102

• Brandon Vera won because of his vastly superior striking skills, but he also had the advantage over Krzysztof Soszynski because of his name. Seriously, who doesn't prefer saying "Vera" over "Soszynski"?
• Who was that Jake Rosholt? He was a lot more exciting and capable than the one-dimensional Jake Rosholt we'd seen previously.
• By the way he came in throwing kicks and got totally messed up by a single punch, you could tell Demian Maia is a fantastic jiu-jitsu guy.
• Todd Duffee seems tough, but he needs to face someone who won't get knocked out by a jab.
• Ed Herman: the next in a long line of TUFers who belong in the minor leagues.
• How on Earth was Evan Dunham vs. Marcus Aurelio a split decision? That one wasn't even close.
• It's time for the "Dean of Mean" to hang up the gloves and go back to academia.
• Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira looked great - maybe the best ever. Randy Couture looked old - maybe the oldest ever.

As the Couture Turns

In today's episode, Doctor Randy Couture's marriage to Kim Couture is in jeopardy after the vaunted brain surgeon files for divorce. Daughter Gina Carano is stricken with amnesia and believes herself to be a member of Greg Jackson's gang of bank robbers, while back at Zuffa General Hospital it's revealed that Lorenzo Fertita is Dana White's long-lost father - the product of an illicit one-night stand with Tom Atencio. Kimbo Slice's wedding to Scott Coker is interrupted by an intoxicated and rowdy Joe Silva, who later professes his love to the former EliteXC star, and across town love is in the air as a first date between Forrest Griffin and Anderson Silva goes off without a hitch. Like sands in the hourglass, these are the days of our lives...

Chuck Liddell Found High on Cold Medicine, Training at ATT

Former UFC light-heavyweight champ Chuck Liddell, who went missing last week from his longtime gym The Pit in San Luis Obispo, California, has turned up at the American Top Team gym in Florida incoherent and high on cold medicine. The erstwhile Octagon star, coming off a shocking knockout loss to Rashad Evans at UFC 88, reportedly was at the ATT facility training hard - and despite his altered mental state, is purported to have made great strides in his overall game. "Yeah, I pulled into the parking lot and he was asleep on the doorstep," said ATT Head Substance Abuse Counselor Ricardo Liborio. "But he's been working hard, so hey, why not?" Liddell currently has no UFC bouts scheduled, although rumors of another rematch with Randy Couture were recently quashed.

Mark Cuban Charged with Insider Trading - Who Will Put Together Fedor vs. Couture Now?

MMA Journalist has just learned that Dallas Mavericks owner and HDNet Fights founder Mark Cuban has been charged with insider trading by the Securities Exchange Commission. The allegations stem from his sale of Xyience stock, a sale which immediately preceded the supplement company's crash and burn. Cuban is best known to MMA fans as the man who promised to put together the dream bout between Fedor Emelianenko and Randy Couture - a match-up that is now in jeopardy thanks to these legal developments. If convicted, Cuban could face two years in the TUF house, drinking urine and splooging on sushi.

Brock Lesnar Tests Positive for Gamma Rays

Hot on the heels of Brock Lesnar's dramatic UFC 91 TKO victory over Randy Couture comes news that the freshly-minted champ has failed his post-fight drug screening, with the 275-pound former WWE star testing positive for gamma rays. "According to state guidelines, a fighter is tested for gamma rays, cosmic rays, radioactive spider venom, and midi-chlorians," says Nevada State Athletic Commission Maestro Keith Kizer. "Lesnar's urinalysis revealed that he has an exceedingly high-level of gamma rays in him. That's a clear violation." No word yet on what this may mean for belt, but the new champ issued this statement: "Grrrr. Lesnar smash."

Observations from My Couch: UFC 91

• Sometimes the UFC rewards a fighter for all his hard work. On Saturday night, Gabriel Gonzaga's reward was tomato can Josh Hendricks.
• I don't know what was scarier: Dustin Hazelett's flawless jiu-jitsu transitions, or his Amish "Wrath of an Angry Old Testament God" beard.
• Jeremy Stephens hit Rafael dos Anjos so hard, he changed Rafael's last name to "uno Anjos".
• Kenny Florian's fight with Joe Stevenson wasn't so much a fight as it was a rape. In fact, in his post-bout medical screening, the Nevada State Athletic Commission had Stevenson take a pregnancy test.
• Brock Lesnar defeated Randy Couture. A WWE wrestler is now the UFC Heavyweight Champ. Excuse me while I go cry in my morning oatmeal.

MMA Journalist News Haiku Roundup

It's been a busy week for news. Here are some haiku to bring you up to speed, courtesy of MMA Journalist:

• Todd Beard likes to yell/ and make threats. Kim Couture likes/ restraining orders.
• Showtime is footing/ the bill for Affliction's next/ show. Boy, are they dumb.
• Dana White changes/ his mind on women fighting./ Benjamins, baby!
• Whoever wins the/ KenFlo-Stevenson bout gets/ to be killed by Penn.
• Randy Couture is/ apparently very old. / Has that ever mattered?

MMA Journalist Exclusive: Brock Lesnar Admits to Abusing Leprechauns in Imaginary Interview

In an exclusive imaginary interview with MMA Journalist, Brock Lesnar, who squares off against heavyweight champ Randy Couture this weekend at UFC 91, has revealed that he is an abuser of leprechauns. The former WWE wrestler, who earned his shot at the UFC title with a mere 2-1 fight record, describes a darker aspect of himself that most fans probably don't know - an aspect that fans maybe don't want to know. Here's an excerpt from that shocking imaginary interview:

• Mr. Lesnar, you've accomplished a lot in the world of wrestling, and on Saturday you're facing a legend in the sport of MMA, so you definitely have a lot to be proud of. Is there anything about you you're not proud of? Well, there is, actually. All my life I've hated leprechauns.
• Leprechauns? Yeah. You know, those little Irish fellas who guard pots of gold at the end of rainbows? I hate 'em. Always have.
• I see. And have you ever acted on this hatred? Yeah, I have. I mean, well, some might say I've abused them.
• Abused? How so? Well, at first it was all verbal. Like, whenever I'd see them I'd put them down... make fun of their pointy shoes, things like that. But as time went by, I'd walk by and kick over their pots of gold. And lately, I've just been tackling them. They hate that. They hate getting their clothes messed up.
• That's very interesting. And where do you think this hatred stems from? I don't know, man. I just hate 'em.
• Okay. Are you at all worried that revealing this... behavior might adversely affect your fans' opinions of you? I don't know. I guess. But it's something I have to get off my chest. I mean, fans know me as this big hulk of guy who doesn't even remotely deserve a shot at the UFC belt - but really, I'm much more complex than that.
• Wow. Well, thanks for your time, Brock. No, thank you.

Randy Couture Refutes Spam Email, Says Size Doesn't Matter

In an official statement released yesterday, UFC heavyweight champ Randy Couture declared that size doesn't matter, refuting a spam email he received claiming that "bigger iz betta in da bedroom!!!1" (sic). The MMA legend, who has often found himself dwarfed by opponents in and out of the cage, went on to state that "it's not the size of the fighter in the fight, but the size of the fight in the fighter" - a belief that, coupled with his superior wrestling pedigree and unwavering work ethic, has yielded him belts in both the light-heavyweight and heavyweight divisions as well as countless girlfriends and wives. "I'm not a big guy," said Couture. "But I know how to use what I have." Couture returns to the Octagon at UFC 91 after a well-publicized resignation and subsequent legal battle. He'll face 265-pound behemoth Brock Lesnar.

Observations from My Couch: UFC 90

• Sean Sherk and Tyson Griffin fought a fantastic fight. However, it was extremely disturbing to hear Randy Couture cursing like a sailor in Griffin's corner. Extremely disturbing.
• What is Rich Clementi? He's crafty. Crafty. I don't know why that's stuck in my head. Oh wait, yes I do - it's because Joe Rogan said it two billion times.
• Thiago Alves could very well demolish Georges St. Pierre.
• Anderson Silva is the nicest guy in the world. After all, he did carry Patrick Cote for two rounds in their championship bout.

The UFC Really, Really, Really, Really Wants Brock Lesnar to Be Champ

During yesterday's UFC-hosted conference call announcing Randy Couture's return to the organization, High Exalted One Dana White announced a November 15th match-up between the fighting legend and relative MMA newcomer Brock Lesnar for Couture's heavyweight belt (with Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira's interim title apparently worth as much as a cheesy paperweight bought at a retired postal worker's yard sale). The message here is clear: the UFC really, really, really, really wants Lesnar to be champ. No, like REALLY wants him to be champ. Nevermind that he was 1-0 before entering the UFC, that he lost to Frank Mir in his Octagon debut, and that he only had to defeat Heath Herring to earn his shot at the belt - the "Superbowl of Mixed Martial Arts" wants Lesnar to have every possibly opportunity to be their star heavyweight. And regardless of how many other more-skilled, experienced and worthy contenders there are, you must not question it.

Couture Back with UFC Thanks to Failure of Scorpion King 2 at Box Office

According to published reports, UFC heavyweight legend Randy Couture will return to the UFC with a new three-fight deal, and may be facing Brock Lesnar in his first bout back. Couture left the promotion last year to focus on his acting - specifically, a starring role as "Sargon" in "Scorpion King 2: Rise of a Warrior" - with the idea that his popularity as a fighter would translate into popularity on the big screen. It did not, and Scorpion King 2's failure at the box office has apparently forced Couture back into the arms of "Dana White and Lorenzo Fertita - the only people who really understand me". A press conference for the official announcement is slated for this afternoon.

Couture to Waitress: "Maybe I Will Have the Scrambled Eggs"

This just in: heavyweight champ and erstwhile UFC star Randy Couture is in talks with the waitress at a local Denny's over the possibility of ordering scrambled eggs. As most may recall, Couture walked away from his last scrambled eggs breakfast, saying, "This isn't the dish for me. I'd rather have oatmeal." Multiple sources close to the fighter, speaking exclusively to MMA Journalist, said today that Couture is indeed willing to try scrambled eggs once more, perhaps even before the end of the year. However, Couture himself could not be reached for comment, and it's unknown if the waitress at Denny's is even considering the option at this point.

Point/Counterpoint: Fedor is God/Fedor is not God

Point: Fedor is God - Holy moley! Can you believe how fast Fedor Emelianenko wrecked former UFC champ Tim Sylvia at Saturday night's Affliction: "Banned" event? Thirty-six seconds and the giant from Maine was bloody and tapping. The Russian sambo player and Pride champ was large and in charge from beginning to end. Wow! If they ever meet in the ring, I'm not sure Randy Couture could defeat him. Clearly, Fedor is God. Counterpoint: Fedor is not God - Whatevs, bro. Fedor ain't no God. At most he's a minor diety. Like Ares or Thor or something.