Observations From My Couch: UFC Fight Night 18

• I'm not ashamed to say the UFC's tribute to Charles Lewis, aka "Mask", had me teary-eyed. Thank you, Zuffa. Really.
• Cole Miller may have won, but Junie Browning got the last laugh. His fans found Miller's car in the parking lot and painted Confederate flags all over it.
• When Rafael dos Anjos caught Tyson Griffin in that heretofore unseen calf-crusher, Helio Gracie turned to Japanese judo legend Masahiko Kimura in Heaven and said, "Dude! Did you see that?"
• Ryan Bader defeated Carmelo Marrero by... Bader won with... A priest, a rabbi and Ryan Bader walk into a bar... Man, I just don't care enough about Bader to make something up about him. Sorry.
• Carlos Condit deserves a ton of credit for giving Martin Kampmann such a good fight. I still believe the caliber of WEC fighters pales in comparison to the UFC (by far), but Condit is tough as hell and has a bright future in the Octagon.

Observations from My Couch: TUF 8 Finale

• Is it me or did Dave Kaplan look like the late Evan Tanner's miniature clone?
• Admittedly, Junie Browning did show a lot of skill and talent. As long as he's not acting like a douchebag, he's actually kind of likable.
• Wilson Gouveia TKO'd the heck out of Jason MacDonald - a feat made less impressive by the fact that Gouveia failed to make weight. That five-pound weight difference really is an unfair advantage. I mean, anyone can knock anyone out when they weigh five pounds more.
• Anthony Johnson's knockout of Kevin Burns was indeed sweet justice, but when he knelt over the fallen Burns and carved out his eyeball with a pocket knife... I'm sorry,but that was excessive.
• I was deathly afraid that Ryan "The Human Blanket" Bader was going to show up. I was pleased that it was Ryan "The Punch People in the Head So Hard They Do Cartwheels" Bader that we all got to see.
• Efrain Escudero fought a smart fight against Phillipe Nover. Nover will be back. No doubt about it.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episodes 11 & 12

The last two episodes were aired back to back, and they featured the final four match-ups to decide who makes it to the finale. Stankie more or less remained on the back burner for them, which is just as well, as Junie Browning was there to satisfy the "crazy" quotient.

• Ryan Bader is nonstop excitement and in his bout with Eliot Marshall he showed a wide range of mixed martial arts skills.
• Good Lord am I kidding. That performance was all suck, all the time.
• How well-rounded is Phillipe Nover? After tapping George Roop out with a kimura, he gave Roop a post-fight medical examination in the locker room - and then prescribed him pain medication for his shoulder!
• Krzysztof Soszynski introduced an interesting formula. He stated that one punch turns a jiu-jitsu black belt into a brown belt, and one combination can turn that same fighter into a white belt. What does a kick turn that black belt into? A purple belt? What about a knee to the midsection? A judo throw? An elbow to the jaw?
• I don't know what's worse: Browning's disgraceful actions in the house or Dana White's disgraceful decision to let him stay.
• The episode ended with coach Nogueira shaving coach Mir's head. This little bit of hairstyling coupled with White's "beat him off" comment is why TUF night is huge in gay bars across the nation.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 10

Is it me or has coach Nogueira's English slightly improved? Anyway, TUF 8's tenth episode and the last of the quarterfinal match-ups - yahoo! But only a little Stankie - boo!

• John Polakowski loves to hug people. Unfortunately, that hugging is the extent of his grappling ability.
• This week the "prank of the night" was eating all the marshmallows in Polakowski's box of Lucky Charms. What, were the housemates out of urine?
• A one-handed George Roop was able to defeat a healthy Polakowski. That's got to be embarrassing.
• The semifinal match-ups are announced, and the preview for the next episode shows Junie Browning engaging in more shenanigans. Oh joy! Do us all proud, Junie!

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 9

The ninth episode of the season means we're winding down with all the outside storylines of where the fighters came from and why they're raging alcoholics. Thank God. TUF excels when it's all about which fighters are the best and which fighters suck. I could care less that Junie Browning lives in a trailer and Ryan Bader is wanted in three states for cattle rustling.

• According to those who saw advance copies, episode nine was supposed to feature Dave Kaplan and Tom Lawlor drinking each other's urine, but SpikeTV wisely edited that out for the broadcast. Accent on the word "wisely", folks.
• Kaplan wasn't lying when he said he couldn't be knocked out. However, he omitted the fact that he's narcoleptic. When Lawlor socked him on the jaw, Kaplan actually fell asleep. No lie.
• Every household item moved into Krzysztof Soszynski's room? Every plate and spoon and fork on the basketball court? Those are the lamest pranks ever. In my day, decent pranks ended with a body count. Damn kids...
• Not only does Frank Mir stink at soccer, but he stinks at losing too.
• After having to face the vastly more-experienced Ben Rothwell twice in the IFL, Soszynski has definitely earned a few easy fights. We'll mark off his TUF bout against Kyle Kingsbury as one of the easy ones.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 8

Another Wednesday night, another TUF 8 episode. Coach Mir grows more and more toolish, Stankie is kept off screen (aside from some crazy, old man gesticulating), and bodily fluids are consumed in "weird German porno" fashion.

• Fruit marinated in urine and sushi coated in man-chowder. Ugh. Why is it that whenever I hype an episode and tell all my friends to watch it, the gay stuff happens? Now everyone is avoiding me.
• Boiled duck fetuses? I guess for Phillipe Nover, fear is definitely not a factor.
• Junie Browning giving out tips on how to beat his teammate Dave Kaplan is only half of what he did. Although it wasn't shown, Browning also let the air out of the tires on Kaplan's dirt bike and ate his pillow.
• Nover hits very hard. So hard, in fact, that not only was Kaplan knocked silly enough to believe he was still the better fighter of the two afterwards, but coach Mir too was concussed into believing Kaplan was superior. I sincerely hope both Kaplan and Mir have since gotten MRIs and brain scans.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 7

The seventh episode of TUF 8, blah, blah, blah. Eccentric assistant coach Stankie was very subdued this week, as prior to filming he'd spent a few nights in Clark County Jail for bringing a live grenade into famed strip joint Spearmint Rhino. Hey man, it wasn't like he was going to pull the pin or anything.

• Coach Mir's victory speech to Junie Browning consisted of a lot of "Dude, you suck!" and a tiny bit of "But congrats anyway". Interesting coaching style, buddy.
• Running on a treadmill with a scuba mask on and diving into a giant ice bath? Last night, Wanderlei Silva was sitting in his living room with his conditioning coach, and they were laughing their asses off at the young fighters tricked into taking part in these elaborate pranks disguised as "cutting-edge training methods".
• Why is Shane Nelson getting camera time? Didn't he already get beat? He should be out mowing a lawn somewhere.
• Okay, let me get this straight: Krzysztof Soszynski requests a body bag and the producers don't flip out? Come on. You just know Dana White got a phone call on that one.
• Fiery Brazilian drama between Coach Nogueira and Vinicius Magalhaes alert! Woot-woot! Someone is defintely getting stabbed with one of those giant meat skewers they use at churrascarias.
• Vinny's fight against Jules Bruchez was a solid ten on the "meh" meter.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 6

Last night brought us the sixth episode of the TUF 8 season, and we were treated to Junie Browning finally putting his money where his mouth is, coach Mir being a douche, and... wait for it... wait for it... STANKIE!

• Team Noguiera boxing coach Stankie is the best thing to ever happen to SpikeTV. Shouting "Fight, fight, kill, kill!" was just the tip of the iceberg. I just know he was out in the parking lot afterwards smashing windshields with a tire iron, and I have it on good authority that when the Team Mir van was shuttling the fighters back to the TUF house, Stankie tried to run it off the road with his beat-up 1974 Dodge Charger.
• Browning may never know how close to death he came for spitting on that black belt. Word is that Anderson Silva was mad as hell, and to release some of his anger, went over to one of the hanging bags and kicked it. The bag burst into flames.
• Based on his striking and wrestling ability, there's no question Roli Delgado is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt.
• Although he snagged the split decision, Browning did not impress with that performance. If he ever fights Phillipe Nover, Nover is going to take his head clean off.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 5

The fifth episode of TUF 8 saw a lot less alcohol consumption, a lot more of coach Nogueira speaking incoherently, and a quick fight between two light-heavyweights who belong in the minor leagues fighting for a cheap and tacky belt and bragging rights at the local Hooters.

• Junie Browning jumps the cage and threatens Efrain Escudero after Escudero's win. His punishment for this shameful outburst? Dana White shaking his head disapprovingly while simultaneously salivating over his new ticking time bomb/potential ratings goldmine. Frank Mir, please eat this guy already!
• The more I see Stankie stumbling around mumbling like that drunk Vietnam veteran uncle who everyone avoids at family gatherings, the more I like him. I predict the TUF kids are going to wake up one morning and find Stankie passed out on the lawn. That's just a hunch.
• Anderson Silva's guest appearance and subsequent sparring with the TUF kids made me think of a child casually batting around his GI Joe action figures. Only in that scenario, Silva would be the child's parent, and the TUF kids would be the discarded cardboard boxes the action figures came in.
• Coach Nogueira was very endearing going to the TUF house and asking the guys to lay off the pranks. He strikes me as the type of parent that shows up at school asking the bullies to please stop stuffing his son in a locker. Sadly, that always ends up with the son getting stuffed into a trash can instead.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 4

Another episode of TUF, another night of drunken mayhem and coach Nogueira's subtitles.

• Junie Browning is an embarrassment to mixed martial arts. Please, PLEASE choke to death on your own vomit Mr. Browning. You're not even worthy enough to die in battle.
• How do you cut a fellow castmate with a glass and threaten others with a bottle and not get thrown off the show? Dana White, you have shamed us all.
• Was Stankie seen dressed up as a Scotsman during one of the training sessions? If so, that's awesome. Coach Nogueira should also bring in circus clowns and jugglers.
• When do we get to see Phillipe Nover knock someone out?

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 3

Last night was the third episode of the TUF 8 season, which, based on what we've seen thus far, is a season that will entail a lot of action, coach Nogueira speaking and us not understanding him, and enough drunken antics to make even the most hardened alcoholic say, "Jeez, guys, chill out."

• All your booze belong to Junie Browning. All your stupidity, too.
• Al "Stankie" returns! Few may remember a non-English-speaking Vitor Belfort crying out "Stankie? Stankie?" after he won UFC 12. Ah, the good old days.
• Coach Nogueira thinks some of his guys should open a restaurant based on their cooking skills. In the extra footage that will be available on the TUF 8 DVD, coach Mir takes Krzysztof Soszynski aside and says that, based on his wrapping skills, he should work for UPS.
• Ryan Bader and Tom Lawlor made for a good fight. Seriously. They came to throw down.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 1

Last night saw the season eight premiere of "The Ultimate Fighter" on SpikeTV, a season dubbed "Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir" that requires captions whenever the Brazilian coach speaks. Excellent. I think the Zuffa and SpikeTV are prepping viewers for a future season where no one speaks any English and contestants live in a big hut deep in some distant jungle. A few things gleaned from the first episode:

• There are rumors that when the DVD of this season comes out, viewers will be able to remove the blurriness that obscured Jason Guida's junk when he was rolling around in his towel.
• Krzysztof Soszynski is an IFL veteran with an 15-8-1 according to Sherdog.com. Does this guy really need to be on TUF facing noobs like Mike Stewart? I think there's a SpikeTV producer out there pulling the strings, and he's got a very dangerous sense of humor.
• Phillipe Nover fainted not from the heat or dehydration, but because he was in the presence of Dana White. Nover has a history of fainting in the presence of superstars; he was backstage at a Barbara Streisand concert and accidentally ran into Babs herself by the vending machine. Boom! Out cold.
• Why you got to knee Brian McLaughlin in the grill when he's on the ground? Not cool, man. Not cool.
• Junie Browning vs. Jose Aguilar was a battle between the douchebag and the dipshit. The fans lose in these match-ups every single time.