Predictions for UFC 100: "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View"

UFC 100 is nearly upon us, and the event - dubbed "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View" - might actually be worth the clams shelled out to watch the damn thing. There are about two and a half main events, with Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir squaring off, Georges St. Pierre and Thiago Alves doing their thang, and Michael Bisping and Dan Hend... zzzzzz. Ahem, anyway, predictions!

• Brock, oh Brock. Brockety-Brock. Brock-brock-brock-bakaw! Brock-the-house, brock-brock-the-house. Brock-and-roll forever, baby!
• Oh yeah, Mir by submission.
• As Alves is more of a striker than a grappler, St. Pierre's technique of slathering himself with Vaseline, baby oil, raw petroleum and margarine will avail him naught. Alves by TKO, and St. Pierre will leave the Octagon a broken man, comforted only by the loving snorts of his moose, Matilda.
• Dan Henderson is getting old but is still tougher than a $2 steak. Bisping's greatest moment was his gritty portrayal of Pikey Number 4 in the movie "Snatch". Hendo by split decision.
• Congratulations Paulo Thiago, you've defeated Josh Koscheck! Your reward: a fatal beating at the hands of Jon Fitch! Yay!
• Yoshihiro Akiyama by JUDO CHOP! Hiyaaa!

Observations from My Couch: UFC 90

• Sean Sherk and Tyson Griffin fought a fantastic fight. However, it was extremely disturbing to hear Randy Couture cursing like a sailor in Griffin's corner. Extremely disturbing.
• What is Rich Clementi? He's crafty. Crafty. I don't know why that's stuck in my head. Oh wait, yes I do - it's because Joe Rogan said it two billion times.
• Thiago Alves could very well demolish Georges St. Pierre.
• Anderson Silva is the nicest guy in the world. After all, he did carry Patrick Cote for two rounds in their championship bout.

Patrick Cote: "Wait, I'm Fighting Who?"

Patrick Cote was finally told yesterday that his UFC 90 opponent is none other than middleweight champ Anderson Silva, a fact that was kept from the Canadian slugger since he signed the generic bout agreement months ago. Cote was reportedly kept in the dark by his management team because no one in their right mind would want to get in the cage with the man who destroyed former champ Rich Franklin twice and made short work of Pride champ Dan Henderson. Standing behind the podium at a press conference when he heard the news, Cote at first seemed shocked, then became dismayed. "Wait, I'm fighting who?" he said before throwing his UFC cap to the ground and storming off the stage. "Yeah, we didn't tell him who he was fighting," said Muay Thai trainer Mark DellaGrotte. DellaGrotte worked with Cote on possible strategies for the UFC 90 bout, including the "go fetal and cry" maneuver and the "tap out really, really fast" technique, and though DellaGrotte was successful in keeping the opponent's identity a secret, he feels strongly about Cote's chances. "If he does what we practiced, he may make it out of the cage alive. Unconscious, but alive." UFC 90 airs Saturday night on pay-per-view, and in addition to the Silva/Cote bout, it features a welterweight match-up between Thiago Alves and Josh Koscheck.

Thiago Alves to Face Opponent of Indeterminate Ethnic Origin

Things suddenly got more complicated for Thiago Alves. Originally scheduled to face Diego Sanchez at UFC 90 on October 25th, the American Top Team star welterweight will now square off against Josh Koscheck thanks to a rib injury Sanchez sustained in training - a last-minute change that definitely throws a monkey wrench in the works for the ATT fighter. "We trained to face a Mexican," says coach Ricardo Liborio. "But now... now what do we train for? A white guy? A black guy? This man is like 'Gonzo' from the Muppets. No one knows what he is!"