Observations From My Couch: Bellator FC Week 1

• I applaud Bellator FC's efforts to create a roster of Latino fighters, but damn, it must've sucked being one of the lone few white fighters on that card. Ben Greer and Greg Loughran probably got a broom closet as a locker room.
• Toby Imada winning is like watching your hard-drinking Vietnam veteran uncle, who usually winds up passed out on some street corner, finally haul off a knock out some big teenager who's been bothering him for ages. Good for him.
• Eddie, Eddie, Eddie... why do you insist on scaring us with these stray punches that end up stumbling you?
• Was it me or did Nick Agallar's boxing footwork look more akin to a session of the arcade game "Dance Dance Revolution"? Dude, you knew you were facing a skilled striker, right?
• Jorge Masvidal looked good, but was that his woman that was jumping up and down after he won? If so, holy mama!

Predictions for Bellator Fighting Championships: Week 1

The debut of the Bellator Fighting Championships is tonight in Hollywood, Florida (it airs tomorrow on ESPN Deportes), and the event features the opening rounds of the organization's eagerly anticipated lightweight and featherweight eight-man tournaments. Some of the best Latino (or somewhat Latino) fighters around are on tap, including Eddie Alvarez, Jorge Masvidal, Nick Agallar and, um, some others. Anyway, MMA Journalist has analyzed the match-ups to make the following rock-solid predictions:

• Eddie Alvarez vs. Gordita Supreme - This bout pits a top-ten heavy-handed 155-pound slugger against a warm, pillowy flatbread filled with seasoned ground beef, sour cream, lettuce and a blend of three cheeses. Alvarez has had trouble with different cheeses in the past, but look for him to score the KO late.
• Jorge Masvidal vs. Fiesta Burrito - A dangerous striker from American Top Team takes on a warm, soft, flour tortilla wrapped around seasoned ground beef, cheddar cheese, seasoned rice and Fiesta Salsa in this one. Expect a stand-up war with Masvidal emerging victorious.
• Nick Agallar vs. Double Decker Taco - Agallar brings strong wrestling and a ton of experience into the ring, but he's matching up against a warm, soft, flour tortilla spread with hearty beans and wrapped around a crunchy corn taco shell filled with seasoned ground beef, lettuce and cheese. Look for Double Decker Taco to give Agallar fits both on the feet and on the ground.
• Toby Imada vs. a packet of mild Border Sauce - Toby Imada may have been around forever, but that packet of mild Border Sauce is simply going to kick his ass.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 1

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Close up shot of Dana White, driven down the mean streets of London to the gym where Michael Bisping practices his best Brad-Pitt-in-"Snatch" accent and sips tea and eats crumpets. They hug, long lost friends in a world where friends curse a lot and feign machismo, and they enter the gym where others of various degrees of fighting prowess and incoherent accents all want to be Dana's friend. "There are 16 of you but only eight are flying back to Las Vegas," says Dana, implying that the others must swim. Or stay there, where their accents will remain unfettered by the shackles of grammar and communicative ability.

"Jolly good," says one, a young lightweight with a handlebar moustache and a bowler atop his head. His name could be Gary Kelly or Grace Kelly or something, and he apparently trains with Bisping, as when he gets knocked out by a fighter from Narnia named Andre Winner, Bisping curses, saying "bollocks" like it means something dirty but it makes me think of buttocks. I laugh. Subtitles dance across the screen whenever a UK fighter talks and I laugh some more.

Others fight, one after the other entering the cage to earn a berth on Team UK, which will match up against Team US this season. Cageside, Dana and Bisping laugh and joke and share odd embraces, while Rich Franklin and the Queen of England sit taking notes (the Queen is sometimes referred to as "Dan". It's never explained why.) Within the Octagon, an assortment of fighters hailing from various UK neighborhoods like Nottingham Forest, the Shire, Middle Earth and Earthsea do battle. A shapeshifting referee, sometimes appearing like an over-tanned Mr. Clean, other times appearing like a smaller man who constantly says "lad", oversees the action.

A Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ named James Wilks tries to steal someone named Che Mills' leg. According to Wikipedia, the Pikey are like gypsies and cannot be trusted. Another fighter named Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap enters the cage and faces a street urchin named Oliver Twist. Oh poor Oliver! Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap feeds Oliver knees, which, as Oliver is but a sad street urchin, is the most he's eaten in weeks. "Please, sir, may I have some more?" Oliver asks meekly, and then the referee declares he's eaten enough and Ross or Russ or Right-O-Old-Chap is going to Las Vegas, where he will be tricked into eating urine-soaked fruit and man-splooge.

Meanwhile, Dana and Bisping giggle and whisper in each other's ears, then giggle some more.

Someone with a dire need for a plastic surgeon (or a better plastic surgeon than they already have) talks a lot but loses to a British Mr. T of the A-Team. A member of the Sex Pistols fights, another friend of Bisping except this time Bisping declares that he sucks amidst chuckles and snickers as he and Dana poke and tickle each other like friends are oft to do. Despite his suckiness, the Sex Pistol (Sid Vicious? Johnny Rotten?) wins. Then there are no more fights, and the eight remaining competitors are given jerseys by Bisping and Dana says the F-word. Maybe it's gratuitous, maybe it's necessary. I don't know. Just then, the acid kicks in.

A Few Gems From Assemblyman Bob Reilly's Anti-MMA Memo

New York State Assemblyman Bob Reilly, the most vocal and most ill-informed of the opposition to legalizing MMA in New York, sent around a memo called "The Case Against Ultimate Fighting in New York State". In it he asks that people ignore the studies showing that MMA would bring revenue to the state and instead believe his reasoning that it would hurt New York's economy, and he decries the impact more violence would have on our society. It's 24 pages long - all of it drivel - and here are a few gems:

• "Some 13 deaths have been reported prior to the organization of the sport into the current franchises and the establishment of the present rules".
• "It is indisputable that according to the rules themselves inflicting injury on an opponent rather than a demonstration of skill is the primary criteria for ultimate fighting."
• "An example of how violence begets violence are the threats made to the author due to his opposition to the sport. Assembly staff deemed it necessary to report some of the threats to his physical well being to the New York State Police. While legislators routinely receive objectives to various proposed legislation, the reaction from constituents and the general public rarely approaches the vileness of some of the email and blog messages directed at the author in 'support' of ultimate fighting."
• "Dana White is the President of the UFC and the major force behind attempting to legalize ultimate fighting in New York State. What he predicts for the future of ultimate fighting should be a warning for all who would legalize it: 'I eat, sleep, breathe and live mixed martial arts. I love this shit. It's what I do, but look, at the moment this thing we have is really pure. It's not all fucking dirty like boxing. I know that day is coming."

Observations From My Couch: UFC Fight Night 18

• I'm not ashamed to say the UFC's tribute to Charles Lewis, aka "Mask", had me teary-eyed. Thank you, Zuffa. Really.
• Cole Miller may have won, but Junie Browning got the last laugh. His fans found Miller's car in the parking lot and painted Confederate flags all over it.
• When Rafael dos Anjos caught Tyson Griffin in that heretofore unseen calf-crusher, Helio Gracie turned to Japanese judo legend Masahiko Kimura in Heaven and said, "Dude! Did you see that?"
• Ryan Bader defeated Carmelo Marrero by... Bader won with... A priest, a rabbi and Ryan Bader walk into a bar... Man, I just don't care enough about Bader to make something up about him. Sorry.
• Carlos Condit deserves a ton of credit for giving Martin Kampmann such a good fight. I still believe the caliber of WEC fighters pales in comparison to the UFC (by far), but Condit is tough as hell and has a bright future in the Octagon.

Top Five Coolest Moves by the UFC

Zuffa may do some douchey things for the sake of business (or spite), but they have done a few things that were benevolent, and those actions should not be glossed over or forgotten. Here are just five cool things the UFC has done:

1. Corey Hill's post-fight care. Yes, he suffered a horrific injury in the Octagon, but by all accounts his employers did right by taking care of him and having a Zuffa lackey stay with him in the hospital. I can't think of many other promotions out there that would have gone to those lengths for a hurt fighter.
2. Treating fans like gold. There aren't too many sports where a fan can win a contest and get VIP treatment at an event, or where a fan can approach and mingle with the president.
3. The UFC's on-air tribute to Mask of the TapouT crew at UFC Fight Night 18. It was fitting, and it felt like the UFC really cared.
4. Listening to the fans. When Zuffa first took over they put together a BJ Penn vs. Din Thomas match-up because that's what fans online wanted to see. Of course, in an entertainment-based industry, letting the audience drive your business may seem like a no-brainer now, but keep in mind that SEG (the UFC's previous owners) didn't always make the fights everyone wanted to see.
5. Contributing to charities and causes. While the UFC's "Fight for the Troops" event may be the most recent example, the organization has been sending fighters to hospitals to visit sick children and sending fighters and merchandise to soldiers since the beginning. At the end of the day, that really means something.

Top Five Shadiest Moves by the UFC

If not for Zuffa, the UFC and the sport of mixed martial arts would be no where near as accepted and popular as it is today. That said, Dana White and company have done some seriously shady things. Sure, business is business, but the media wouldn't be doing its job if it didn't point out some of the skeezy, underhanded practices Zuffa has pulled off. Can I get an amen? So here are the top five shadiest moves perpetrated by the UFC:

1. Approaching fighters in their locker rooms and handing them bonus money with the instructions that it's for the fighter and only for the fighter. I guess managers and agents don't deserve a cut, eh?
2. Courting fighters like Fedor Emelianenko and Kimbo Slice fervently, then bashing them as subpar when they don't sign with their organization.
3. Banning media that gives coverage to other MMA organizations.
4. Threatening to cut all American Kickboxing Academy fighters when AKA fighter Jon Fitch is reluctant to agree to a questionable lifetime contract signing away his likeness in perpetuity for a UFC video game.
5. Disallowing managers and agents backstage. Sure, there's a degree of boo-frickin-hoo involved with this issue, but if representatives of the organization are going to approach fighters backstage with a bonus check or contract to be signed, the fighter should be allowed to have his manager or agent present. Otherwise, it's just shadiness, man. Shadiness.

Predictions for UFN 18: "Condit vs. the Harsh Reality That Fighters in the WEC Weren't Exactly the Best"

Tonight is another harrowing installment of UFC Fight Night, which will serve as the prelude to the opening episode of "The Ultimate Fighter - Season Eleven Quabillion". On deck is WEC welterweight champ Carlos Condit taking on Danish fighter Martin Kampmann, which should be a real test for Condit and an excellent gauge as to where WEC champs rank amongst "real" fighters. An interesting sidenote about WEC champs: to get credentials for UFC events, they have to perform chores backstage; Condit is actually well-known for his backrubs. And now, on to the predictions.

• In the main event bout between Condit and Kampmann, Condit is going to lose.
• When Condit squares off against the former UFC middleweight fighter, he's going to realize in dramatic fashion that the WEC fighters he faced weren't exactly the best fighters out there.
• Condit is going to get smoked like a cheap, poorly-rolled joint behind the cafeteria during study hall.
• "Carlos, don't do it! You're going to die!"
• As William Shakespeare once said, "Frailty, thy name is Condit."
• Carlos Condit is not only not going to win, but he's also going to lose.

Zuffa Bars Fighters From Talking with Managers and Agents; Also, Family and Friends

According to a report on Sherdog.com, Zuffa has now barred fighters from talking with their managers and agents, going so far as to refuse to issue UFC and WEC event credentials for those representing fighters and forbidding fighters from even talking with such people. Also under consideration is a ban on all fighters communicating with family and friends - a move that bespeaks of Zuffa's desire to keep its employees isolated and malleable. "This is an outrage!" says Ken Pavia, a well-known agent and vampire who has often perched himself up in a venue's rafters and preyed upon the unsuspecting backstage. "You can't keep a fighter away from his representation. It's wrong. Besides, how am I supposed to feed?" Emails to Zuffa for comment went unreturned.

Shady Kansas City Promotion Trying to Screw One of Fred Ettish's Fighters

A shady Kansas City-based promotion called Close Quarter Combat, which held an event in the Kansas City area on March 21st, is trying to screw one of Fred Ettish's fighters - but you don't try to screw one of Ettish's fighters and get away with it. A competitor in UFC 2 and well-respected and longtime member of the MMA community, Ettish runs a Miletich Fighting Systems school nearby, and when CQC matchmakers Rick Huddleston and Jason Shane came around snooping for participants for their March event one of Ettish's students signed up. Unfortunately, despite athletic commission presence and oversight, no one got paid after the show... so Ettish is going to the press. And the state's attorney general. And the governor's office. And taking legal action. Bottom line: don't screw with Fred, because Fred is the Man. "CQC believes in helping our fighters reach their highest potential inside and outside the ring," reads a pre-event statement from the promotion. "We strive to help our fighters get maximum potential earnings and exposure during their career and to prepare them for a successful life after fighting in the ring." They seem to be failing to live up to their mission statement.