Observations From My Couch: UFC Fight Night 19

• Maybe there was some sort of grand coincidence where everyone had a mortgage or car payment due, but it seemed like just about the entire main card was going balls-out to secure that "Fight of the Night" bonus. And yes, that's a good thing.
• Nate "The Get Mauled But Still Beat The Hell Out Of You Rock" Quarry.
• For a first timer, Jake Ellenberger sure didn't hesitate to pound the crap out of Carlos Condit. He definitely belongs in the Octagon.
• Because of the beating he took and the ability he showed in recovering and coming back to win, Condit never looked better. He, too, belongs in the Octagon.
• As last fights on contracts go, Roger Huerta kinda went out with style. He blasted Gray Maynard more than a few times, avoided the "Human Blanket" and refused to tap when his arm was nearly ripped out of its socket. He's going to make a great addition to Strikeforce's roster and will likely end up their champ.
• Melvin Guillard: so much talent and raw ability, so much suck.

Predictions for UFC Fight Night 19: "Nate Diaz vs. Easy Submission Win To Salvage His Career"

UFC Fight Night 19 is nearly upon us, and the show - titled "Nate Diaz vs. Easy Submission Win To Salvage His Career" - will feature TUF 5 winner Diaz against Melvin Guillard, a veritable grappling dummy that loves to throw big punches and do mountains of cocaine. The SpikeTV-broadcast event will serve as a lead-in for the eagerly anticipated TUF 10 debut episode, and if UFC Fight Night 19's card is of any indication, the network's executives really don't give a crap who is fighting on their channel, only that someone is. So... predictions!

• In the Nate Quarry vs. Tim Credeur bout, the two elder statesmen will fight. Or maybe sit around and talk about the good old days while calling the younger fighters on the card whippersnappers. Then they'll leave to catch the early bird special at the buffet, and go to bed around 7pm.
• Carlos Condit will defeat Jake Ellenberger. Afterwards, he'll go home, root around in his closet, pull out the WEC championship belt he threw there in shame after his last UFC bout, dust it off, and put it back in its display case on the wall in his living room.
• Gray Maynard is going to dry-hump Roger Huerta so vigorously, Huerta is going to show up at Xtreme Couture in nine months with a baby in his arms and say to Maynard, "Gray, you're a daddy. Let's make this work for his sake."
• It really doesn't matter who wins between Diaz and Guillard. What does matter is the ungodly amounts of weed and blow that will be found at their afterparty.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 96

• All weekend long I was trying to think of something disparaging to say about Gray Maynard, as he defeated a fighter I like a lot in Jim Miller. I couldn't, though. Maynard just beat a very tough guy.
• Screw that. Gray Maynard sucks and is about as exciting as watching a constipated frog take a dump.
• Kendall Grove is one leg kick away from ending up like Corey Hill. Dude, eat a sandwich.
• Not only did Matt Hamill impress with that spectacular high-kick knockout, but he seemed pretty adept at speaking Deep Mountain Dwarvish (a la Lord of the Rings) in his post-fight interview. I think he invited fans to his afterparty in the Mines of Moria.
• Dear Jason Brilz, if I wanted to watch one man dry hump another... ah, never mind.
• Tamdan McCrory's motto is apparently "fight like a stud, curse like a sailor". I like that.
• I guess Mike Patt forgot that there is also grappling in mixed martial arts?
• I don't know why Yves Lavigne hates Pete Sell and wants him dead, but I will get to the bottom of this mystery soon.
• Shane Carwin: the man, the myth, the freight train.
• Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans very nearly broke the black-o-meter on my TV. Hmmm... No, let me redo that one. Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans made me think I was watching "The Iron Ring" on BET. Hmmm... Forget it, I got nothing.

UFC 96 to Showcase Jim Miller's Hatred of Neutral Colors

Some fighters favor red. Others gravitate toward blue or yellow, or even green. But rising UFC lightweight star Jim Miller, who handily defeated Matt Wiman and David Baron in the Octagon, doesn't care too much about things like that. He does, however, hate neutral colors - which may translate into one heck of a beating for UFC 96 opponent Gray Maynard. "James absolutely cannot stand any hues or shades that evoke drabness," said interior designer Gustav Santosa. "When I re-did his downstairs bathroom, he had few restrictions, but if I showed him a swatch of fabric or a wallpaper sample that had even the slightest dull or dreary undertone... Ooooh, watch out! He would go ballistic!" Adds Santosa, "No grays whatsoever, mister!" UFC 96 airs live on pay-per-view on Saturday night. In addition to the Miller/Maynard main card fight, the event is headlined by a bout between Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Keith Jardine.

Gray Maynard to Attempt to Make Sweet, Slow and Methodical Man-Love to Jim Miller at UFC 96

According to http://thegarv.com , Gray Maynard will be facing Jim Miller at UFC 96 - a match-up that will no doubt see the Xtreme Couture lightweight use his lay-and-pray strategy to attempt to make sweet, slow and methodical man-love to the exciting Octagon star. Both men are coming off of wins, with Maynard dry-humping Rich Clementi for the decision at UFC 90 and Miller dominating Matt Wiman in a heart-pounding three-round war at UFC Fight Night: "Fight for the Troops". The one-dimensional Maynard should have a tough time against the well-rounded Miller at UFC 96, though, and fans should expect a big, fat loss on his record after the March 7th event.

A Review of MTV's True Life: "I am a Mixed Martial Arts Fighter"

Last night MTV's True Life documentary series featured an episode called "I am a Mixed Martial Arts Fighter", which had an amateur from Colorado named Ian Stone fighting in a local event, Muay Thai champ Kit Cope fighting in Atlantic City against some scrub, and UFC lightweight star Frankie Edgar taking on Gray Maynard. Some thoughts:

• Stone is a good example of what's wrong with MMA kids today. I mean, he cooked that lone egg he was eating for dinner. Rocky Balboa would've eaten it raw.
• It was good to see Cope and girlfriend Aubrey together again after she'd stood by his side on that True Life: "I am a Muay Thai Fighter" from a few years ago. The sport needs more interpersonal drama like that. Maybe they can hang out with that couple from True Life: "I am an Douchebag from Staten Island".
• The producers did an excellent job of showing that the venue was almost completely empty for Cope's fight at the World Fighting Championship in Atlantic City. They should have at least added in spectators via CGI, right?
• Edgar conducted an interview over the phone while driving. Whenever a fighter tells me he's driving during our phone interview, I worry that he'll get distracted and crash. No reporter wants to be the one to tell Dana White, "Um, yeah, so I was asking him about rumored pay cuts, and... boom! Sorry, man."