Observations From My Couch: UFC 96

• All weekend long I was trying to think of something disparaging to say about Gray Maynard, as he defeated a fighter I like a lot in Jim Miller. I couldn't, though. Maynard just beat a very tough guy.
• Screw that. Gray Maynard sucks and is about as exciting as watching a constipated frog take a dump.
• Kendall Grove is one leg kick away from ending up like Corey Hill. Dude, eat a sandwich.
• Not only did Matt Hamill impress with that spectacular high-kick knockout, but he seemed pretty adept at speaking Deep Mountain Dwarvish (a la Lord of the Rings) in his post-fight interview. I think he invited fans to his afterparty in the Mines of Moria.
• Dear Jason Brilz, if I wanted to watch one man dry hump another... ah, never mind.
• Tamdan McCrory's motto is apparently "fight like a stud, curse like a sailor". I like that.
• I guess Mike Patt forgot that there is also grappling in mixed martial arts?
• I don't know why Yves Lavigne hates Pete Sell and wants him dead, but I will get to the bottom of this mystery soon.
• Shane Carwin: the man, the myth, the freight train.
• Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans very nearly broke the black-o-meter on my TV. Hmmm... No, let me redo that one. Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans made me think I was watching "The Iron Ring" on BET. Hmmm... Forget it, I got nothing.

Five Reason Why UFC 96 Isn't Going to Suck

Sure, on paper UFC 96 looks like a weak card that will have no impact at all on rankings or provide anything in the "Oh Wow!" department, but there are still reasons to shell out the dough for the pay-per-view. Actually, there are only five reasons - but they're good ones!

1. If he defeats Keith Jardine, Quinton Jackson will have scored a victory for people of color everywhere who are intimidated by white, Aryan Nation-looking dudes who you just know hunt illegal immigrants for sport with high-powered rifles on the weekend.
2. If he defeats Shane Carwin, Gabriel Gonzaga is guaranteed to make that same bug-out face he makes every time he wins, which is cute in a "Dude, what are you? Twelve?" kind of way.
3. If he wins or if he loses, Matt Hamill still isn't going to know if the crowd cheered for him until someone tells him.
4. If he wins, Pete "Drago" Sell's 1992 cherry red Camaro will be refitted with new fluorescent light panels on his vehicle's undercarriage, and the worn fuzzy dice dangling from the rearview mirror will be replaced with gold-colored leather mini-boxing gloves.
5. If he wins, Jim Miller's older brother Dan will give him his little teddy bear "Mr. Sniggles" back - which Dan took from him back in second grade.

Pete Sell Credits UFC 90 Win to Scientology

Pete "Drago" Sell, who defeated Josh Burkman via unanimous decision at UFC 90 to snap a four-fight losing streak, credits his win and new found focus to Scientology, and in a post-event interview, thanks the L. Ron Hubbard science fiction novel-based religion for putting him back on the winning track. "Yo, my thetan levels are off the hook now," says the Team Serra/Longo welterweight and TUF 4 veteran, who regularly socializes with John Travolta and Tom Cruise at official Church of Scientology meetings. He adds: "The whole agonized future of this planet, every man, woman and child on it, and your own destiny for the next endless trillions of years depend on what you do here and now with and in Scientology." No word yet on when Sell will return to the Octagon.

Evil Joe Silva Steals Match-Up Meant for Northeast Fans

Nefarious. Dastardly. Villainous. These are words often used to describe UFC matchmaker Joe Silva, whose latest act of treachery is the August 9th UFC 87 match-up between New York bad boy Jon Jones and New Jersey star Andre Gusmao. By rights, this pairing of explosive and ultra-exciting fighters belongs to fans in the Northeast - perhaps something savored as the main event on a ROC or BCX. Yet Silva wants otherwise. And now fans at the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and on pay-per-view around the world, will get Jones vs. Gusmao instead. Sadly, this isn't the first time Silva has done this (the rematch between Pete "Drago" Sell and Chris Liguori was considered for UFC 45) and it likely won't be the last. Is no top-level fighter sacred? Will the Northeast ever get to keep one of its best athletes to itself? With Silva the Trickster, Silva the God of Mischief and Deceit, around to fulfill dreams and offer up lucrative contracts, probably not.