Miguel Torres: "I Need to Fight at Heavyweight to Make Money - This Mullet Ain't Paying For Itself!"

WEC bantamweight champ Miguel Torres has announced his intention to fight up a few weight classes, a move he claims is prompted by reasons purely financial. "I need to fight at heavyweight to make money," said the best 135-pound fighter in the world, and he emphasized his reasoning by pointing to his hairstyle. "This mullet ain't paying for itself!" As it's a widely-accepted reality that higher weight-class fighters command larger salaries, and that mullets often require thousands of dollars worth of hair care products daily, it's understandable that Torres would even consider such a move. But for fans of the man who's risen to the top of the bantamweights, it's a move that's nonetheless regrettable. "Seriously, I need the dough," said Torres. "WEC matchmaker Sean Shelby told me he knew people and could probably get me a bout against Cheick Kongo. Maybe even Shane Carwin." According to athletic commission records, Torres' salary stands at 600 dollars a fight plus a case of hair gel as a win bonus.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 96

• All weekend long I was trying to think of something disparaging to say about Gray Maynard, as he defeated a fighter I like a lot in Jim Miller. I couldn't, though. Maynard just beat a very tough guy.
• Screw that. Gray Maynard sucks and is about as exciting as watching a constipated frog take a dump.
• Kendall Grove is one leg kick away from ending up like Corey Hill. Dude, eat a sandwich.
• Not only did Matt Hamill impress with that spectacular high-kick knockout, but he seemed pretty adept at speaking Deep Mountain Dwarvish (a la Lord of the Rings) in his post-fight interview. I think he invited fans to his afterparty in the Mines of Moria.
• Dear Jason Brilz, if I wanted to watch one man dry hump another... ah, never mind.
• Tamdan McCrory's motto is apparently "fight like a stud, curse like a sailor". I like that.
• I guess Mike Patt forgot that there is also grappling in mixed martial arts?
• I don't know why Yves Lavigne hates Pete Sell and wants him dead, but I will get to the bottom of this mystery soon.
• Shane Carwin: the man, the myth, the freight train.
• Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans very nearly broke the black-o-meter on my TV. Hmmm... No, let me redo that one. Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans made me think I was watching "The Iron Ring" on BET. Hmmm... Forget it, I got nothing.

Five Reason Why UFC 96 Isn't Going to Suck

Sure, on paper UFC 96 looks like a weak card that will have no impact at all on rankings or provide anything in the "Oh Wow!" department, but there are still reasons to shell out the dough for the pay-per-view. Actually, there are only five reasons - but they're good ones!

1. If he defeats Keith Jardine, Quinton Jackson will have scored a victory for people of color everywhere who are intimidated by white, Aryan Nation-looking dudes who you just know hunt illegal immigrants for sport with high-powered rifles on the weekend.
2. If he defeats Shane Carwin, Gabriel Gonzaga is guaranteed to make that same bug-out face he makes every time he wins, which is cute in a "Dude, what are you? Twelve?" kind of way.
3. If he wins or if he loses, Matt Hamill still isn't going to know if the crowd cheered for him until someone tells him.
4. If he wins, Pete "Drago" Sell's 1992 cherry red Camaro will be refitted with new fluorescent light panels on his vehicle's undercarriage, and the worn fuzzy dice dangling from the rearview mirror will be replaced with gold-colored leather mini-boxing gloves.
5. If he wins, Jim Miller's older brother Dan will give him his little teddy bear "Mr. Sniggles" back - which Dan took from him back in second grade.