Five Reason Why UFC 96 Isn't Going to Suck

Sure, on paper UFC 96 looks like a weak card that will have no impact at all on rankings or provide anything in the "Oh Wow!" department, but there are still reasons to shell out the dough for the pay-per-view. Actually, there are only five reasons - but they're good ones!

1. If he defeats Keith Jardine, Quinton Jackson will have scored a victory for people of color everywhere who are intimidated by white, Aryan Nation-looking dudes who you just know hunt illegal immigrants for sport with high-powered rifles on the weekend.
2. If he defeats Shane Carwin, Gabriel Gonzaga is guaranteed to make that same bug-out face he makes every time he wins, which is cute in a "Dude, what are you? Twelve?" kind of way.
3. If he wins or if he loses, Matt Hamill still isn't going to know if the crowd cheered for him until someone tells him.
4. If he wins, Pete "Drago" Sell's 1992 cherry red Camaro will be refitted with new fluorescent light panels on his vehicle's undercarriage, and the worn fuzzy dice dangling from the rearview mirror will be replaced with gold-colored leather mini-boxing gloves.
5. If he wins, Jim Miller's older brother Dan will give him his little teddy bear "Mr. Sniggles" back - which Dan took from him back in second grade.

Observations from My Couch: UFC 91

• Sometimes the UFC rewards a fighter for all his hard work. On Saturday night, Gabriel Gonzaga's reward was tomato can Josh Hendricks.
• I don't know what was scarier: Dustin Hazelett's flawless jiu-jitsu transitions, or his Amish "Wrath of an Angry Old Testament God" beard.
• Jeremy Stephens hit Rafael dos Anjos so hard, he changed Rafael's last name to "uno Anjos".
• Kenny Florian's fight with Joe Stevenson wasn't so much a fight as it was a rape. In fact, in his post-bout medical screening, the Nevada State Athletic Commission had Stevenson take a pregnancy test.
• Brock Lesnar defeated Randy Couture. A WWE wrestler is now the UFC Heavyweight Champ. Excuse me while I go cry in my morning oatmeal.

Fabricio Werdum Cut From the UFC; the World Mourns

The world is in mourning today with the news that Fabricio Werdum, a Brazilian heavyweight and jiu-jitsu black belt, was cut from the UFC's roster. The purported reason behind his exit is said to have been contractual in nature, driven in no small part by the Chute Boxe fighter's shocking upset loss to Junior dos Santos at UFC 90. Werdum's career highlights included TKO wins over Brandon Vera and Gabriel Gonzaga in the Octagon, and Pride victories over Aleksander Emelianenko and Alistair Overeem. Said UFC Chief Executioner Dana White, "I know I'm not alone in feeling like we've lost a good friend today... Say, do you want to be fucking fighter?" Werdum leaves behind an ill-conceived heavyweight tournament and a disgustingly-anemic weight class. In lieu of flowers, the UFC prefers fans to make a cash donation to the "Give the UFC Your Money" charity.