Weekend Schedule

A lot of MMA this weekend. ShoMMA airs tonight on Showtime, while the latest installment of Bellator FC touches down in Chicago and features the welterweight semifinals of Lyman Good vs. Jorge Ortiz and Dave Menne vs. Omar De La Cruz. If Good and Menne win (which they should), they'll be facing each other in the finals (most likely at Mohegan Sun on June 12th). Check out ESPN Deportes tomorrow night for the airing of tonight's Bellator event.

Also tonight is a very hush-hush underground show not far from New York City. The card is a mix of different kinds of bouts, including MMA.

On Saturday night promoters Lou Neglia and Carl Mascarenhas are teaming up for an Asylum Fight League event dubbed "Fusion". Club Abyss in Sayreville, New Jersey is the venue.

ShoMMA Fun Facts

ShoMMA, aka Strikeforce Challengers, aka "Strikeforce Lite", aka "Where the Up and Comers Earn Their Paychecks", airs tonight on Showtime. The card reads like a West Coast regional event - which is fine - but most of the names may be foreign to casual MMA fans, so MMA Journalist has compiled a handy list of fun facts! Did you know...

• That undefeated lightweight Billy Evangelista is the cousin of supermodel Linda Evangelista? Neither did he!
• That Mike Aina was the original "Punchy" - the official mascot of the fruit drink "Hawaiian Punch"? When Aina reached adulthood and was deemed "too old" for the role, he was replaced by actor Haley Joel Osment.
• That neither Sarah Kaufman nor Miesha Tate have ever worked at Hooters?
• That Lavar Johnson's nickname "Big" is misleading, as the 246-pound heavyweight is actually only 4'6"? He was raised on Jupiter, where gravity is far greater, so his body is more compact and much more dense than that of a normal human!
• That Bao Quach was named after a Vietnamese sandwich containing pork, pickled diakon, shredded carrots and field mouse on a toasted baguette? The sandwich is delicious!

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 7

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Like a Steven Soderbergh film, this episode is layered with scenes and montages of only tangential relevance to the TUF premise of aspiring fighters locked away in a house and competing for a UFC contract. In other words: WTF?

In the training center, the Brit team works out using various methods of "man holding man" machismo. Somewhere in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood, a gay bar's patrons hoot and holler as they watch on a big-screen TV. Then Michael Bisping introduces a giant tire and sledgehammer, and Team UK proceeds to smash the floor, themselves and their guitars and drums because that's what The Who did back in the day.

Cut to Team America: World Police, and a brooding Jason Pierce. He hates his teammates, he hates MMA, he hates living in the TUF house and he hates Smurfy.

Meanwhile, Carrot Top has cooties. "Don't touch me," says Pierce. "I hate cooties."

Back to Team UK and David Faulkner, whom everyone loves and wishes he were their dad or something. Due to their accents I gather that Faulkner can wrestle well and has good stand-up, but one of the Brits either says Faulkner is a "pitbull" or a "pickle". God, who knows.

We then return to Team America: World Police and the ongoing saga of Pierce, now revealed to have an injured foot. "I hate feet," Pierce declares. "Just be positive," suggests the Queen of England (aka Dan). Big Tall French Guy chimes in with a "Oui" - which means "yes" in kickboxing. "I hate you all," says Pierce, and he hobbles away. "I don't know what's going on in Jason's head sometimes," says the Queen of England, and then he lies down in a corner of the gym and becomes very, very still. Eventually a cactus sprouts up and grows around him.

Cut to the next fight selection, where Carrot Top is paired up against Nottingham Forest's favorite son, Ross the Incoherent. Will Carrot Top's cooties clear up in time?

Then it's time for tennis! What a second, tennis? WTF? Anyway, Dana White gathers both teams at a tennis court, and after he and Bisping embrace - and stare long and hard into each other's eyes, their mouth's just inches apart and their lips quivering like a fat kid quivers when faced with a real-life version of Mayor McCheese - Dana announces that Bisping and the Queen of England will play tennis for money. Hilarity does not ensue. The Queen of England wins handily, but the real winners are the fans of tennis, who will never have to be subjected to watching this unless they somehow click on SpikeTV while changing channels on an afternoon they're not out horseback riding or playing polo.

Fast-forward to a birthday celebration at the TUF house. It's Carrot Top's birthday!

Switch to outside, where Big Tall French Guy and Frank Loser are listening to Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All weep over love lost. "I really miss 'Sex in the City'," Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All says amidst sobs. "Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha... I miss them all."

And then it's fight time. Ross the Incoherent keeps picking up Carrot Top and dumping him on the mat, and though he delivers an illegal knee to the grill while Carrot Top is on the ground, the point deduction means nothing; he eventually gets Carrot Top in position for a submission and snags an armbar. The end.

Extreme Challenge and WCA Team Up to Create Mega-Grand-Superduper-Two-Day MMA Marathon

Monte Cox's Extreme Challenge and the World Cagefighting Alliance are teaming up to create "Caged Combat" - a mega-grand-superduper-doubleheader MMA marathon on June 5th and June 6th at the Trump Marina in Atlantic City. Headlining Friday night's card will be Tara LaRosa versus someone - anyone - female, as well as Tom Gallicchio against some kid from Detroit, Lester Caslow, Kevin Roddy, Tim Troxell and a bunch of other local guys. Headlining Saturday night's card will be Doug Gordon against WEC refugee Justin Haskins, plus rising star Steve DeAngelis against hard-hitter Jeff Lentz, Greg Soto, Plinio Cruz and Tuan "The Career Derailer" Pham. Two consecutive days of MMA is an awful lot, so MMA Journalist may set up a small tent and camp out in the marsh beside the venue. Maybe even fire up a barbecue and grill some steaks. How do you like yours? Medium rare?

Upcoming Bellator FC Installment to Feature New York Fugitive Jay White

This week's upcoming installment of Bellator FC will of course provide us with the eagerly-anticipated welterweight semifinal match-ups of Lyman Good vs. Dead Man Walking and Dave Menne vs. Dude Destined to Die, but also on the card is heavyweight Jay White against Eddie Sanchez. Who is Jay White? Originally hailing from Troy, New York, White was a Team Renzo grappler on the fast track to MMA success back in 2003. But he made the mistake of jumping into the deep end of the pool before he'd mastered the art of swimming (which in non-metaphor speak means he took fights against killer opponents when he should've taken it slower; he lost to Jeff Monson twice, then fell to Mark Burch and Jake O'Brien - tough heavyweights all). With those losses, White played fugitive and absconded to training camps like Team Quest and Xtreme Couture to change things up, and Northeast fans hoping for a 265-pound jiu-jitsu rep to root for were left high and dry. Well, now White is back and hopefully has those chinks in his armor all patched up. And while his 4-5-1 record may not be all that awe-inspiring, a more talented prospect in his weight class you will not find. Keep an eye out for him if his bout is aired.

"The Key to Lyoto Machida's Success Lies in His Katas"

When top 205-pound contender Lyoto Machida steps into the Octagon to face champ Rashad Evans at UFC 98 on May 23rd, the Japanese-Brazilian Shotokan karate practitioner will almost certainly have his hands full with the champ's powerful wrestling and always-dangerous striking skills. But according to homeless karate master Sho'nuff, who was formerly the Shogun of Harlem but is now an itinerant ronin who collects empty soda cans, victory is entirely within Machida's grasp. "The key to Lyoto Machida's success lies in his katas," says Sho'nuff. "If he practices his technique to the point where he reaches the 'Final Level', well, that mofo will have 'The Glow'. Know wa mean?" But what of Evans' devastating KO power and athleticism? According to Sho'nuff, if Machida is bathed in the mythical Glow, nothing the TUF 2 winner brings into the cage will matter. "Who's the meanest? Who's the prettiest? Who's the baddest mofo, lowdown, around this town? If he's got the Glow, it will be that Brazilian cat. Trust me on this one, homeboy." Added the bedraggled-looking former competitor: "Say, brother, can you loan me a dollar?"

Weekend Schedule

The latest installment of Bellator FC is tonight in Robstown, Texas, and the only real bout of interest will be EliteXC champ Wilson Reis' semifinal match-up against Joe Soto. Whoever wins that one will move on to face the winner of Estevan Payan vs. Yahir Reyes in the featherweight finals. The event will air on ESPN Deportes on Saturday night.

Tonight is another edition of Friday Night Fights in New York City, a fully-sanctioned promotion featuring Muay Thai and boxing bouts. Last I heard, Joe Sampieri - who's taught Muay Thai at Renzo's academy and has fought MMA a few times with mixed results - is on the card.

There's also another Asylum Fight League this weekend. This one is way down in Southern New Jersey at some place called "Shady Katie's". I think Shady Katie's is a strip club. Or a meth lab. Or both. I dunno. Check it out and report back to me.

What's Up in New York?

What's going to happen to the Underground Combat League when MMA is sanctioned in New York? Check out this article written by some dude who likes to front like he's some sort of authority or something - http://www.mmamemories.com/2009/05/07/new-yorkers-get-ready.html .

Dana White and John Hackleman Exchange Barbs Over Hairstyles

UFC High Exhalted One Dana White and longtime Chuck Liddell-trainer John Hackleman, two of the industry's more recognizable bald men, exchanged barbs over hairstyles yesterday. At the heart of the matter is White's insistence that Liddell shave off his Mohawk after the former 205-pound champ's recent KO loss to Mauricio "Shogun" Rua. According to White, Liddell - once one of the most feared Mohawk-sporting fighters in MMA - is past his competitive hirsute prime, and at the UFC 97 post-fight press conference White stated, "This is the last team you will see Chuck's legendary hairstyle in the Octagon."

"Dana doesn't know what he's talking about," said Hackleman, who in his youth enjoyed a healthy and expansive afro but has for the last 15 years been hairless atop his head. "Chuck's Mohawk is still very capable and very dangerous, and besides, it's up to Chuck to decide what he'll do with his hair. Dana's just jealous his own hairline receded so badly back in 2003."

"I guess John's still saving up for hair plugs," said White in response. "But I know what's best for Chuck. He needs to shave it off."

More Bouts Lacking Eddie Alvarez Announced For UFC 101 in Philadelphia

The UFC has announced more bouts lacking superstar Eddie Alvarez for their UFC 101 Philadelphia grand affair slated for August 8th. In addition to the previously mentioned pairing of non-Philly natives BJ Penn and Kenny Florian, out-of-stater Forrest Griffin will be taking on middleweight champ and foreigner Anderson Silva in a light-heavyweight bout, and Virginia-based Amir Sadollah will face someone not named Eddie Alvarez. In a nod to Northeast MMA fans, Ricardo Almeida, Kurt Pellegrino, John Howard and Tamdan McCrory are also on the card. Meanwhile, it's questionable whether or not the most successful mixed martial artist Philadelphia has ever produced (Eddie Alvarez) will even be in the Wachovia Center that night. Said a spokesman for the UFC, "Please. Leave me alone."