Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

Although New York City's Greenwich Village has a standard, everyday level of "ghey" (pronounced "Ooh, I can't wait to see Sex in the City 2!") that sits at "High", once a year the needle gets pushed up into "Oh my God, that's fabulous!"  That's right, I'm talking about the Gay Pride Parade, which is what you get when you cross Brazil's Carnivale with a Broadway musical and the weirdos who were hanging out in the Mos Eisley Cantina in Star Wars.  Well, tonight's episode was TUF's equivalent of the Gay Pride Parade, and like that wild and raucous all-day party of leather men, bears, queens, trannies, goofballs, bounty hunters, Greedo and the furry guy who got his arm lopped off by Obi-Wan Kenobi, it was definitely fun to watch.  But first!

British gangster Ronnie Kray has just gotten his ass kicked.  He is, however, cool with it.  After all, he's still got some extortion and prostitution rackets to fall back on, so it's not like this whole fighting thing is as far as it goes.  But RC Cola isn't cool with it.  In fact, RC Cola thinks it's all coach Tito Ortiz's fault.  You see, Ortiz has been training his team hard, forcing them to do arduous things like jumping jacks and meditation.

"We shouldn't be training this hard," say RC Cola, and a graphic showing his fight record of 30 wins and 70 losses is flashed across the bottom of the screen to remind us that if there's a secret to MMA success, RC Cola definitely knows it.  No one agrees with this statement - not Ronnie Kray, not Cypress Hill, not Dumb as a Bag of Hammers - and the news of the dissent makes its way back to coach Ortiz.

"Guys, gather around," says Ortiz at the TUF Training Center, and when everyone sits in a circle the former champ stands up and sprints the circumference, patting each aspiring fighter on the head and saying "Duck, duck, duck, goose!"  When he finishes with his game, he adds breathlessly, "Listen, we all know I can coach.  Remember how I handled that deaf kid back when Ken Shamrock was making everyone eat steak and chicken?"

Everyone nods, and the matter is dropped.

And then it's time for the coaches' challenge.  Given that past challenges saw Dan Henderson and Michael Bisping engage in a calligraphy contest (lame), Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Frank Mir have a chili cook-off (really lame) and Matt Serra and Matt Hughes work their stand-up act at open mic night at the Laugh Factory (not bad, actually), it can only get better, right?  Well it does when it's announced that this season's challenge is dodgeball.  That's right, dodgeball, with Ortiz and his coaches squaring off against Liddell and his coaches to re-enact the epic Average Joes vs. Globo-Gym kerfuffle of 2004.  Unfortunately for the Average Joes, Ortiz's gigantic head holds a significant disadvantage in dodgeball play (it's one hell of a target), so this time around Globo-Gym wins, with Liddell miraculously able to grasp the rules (Dana White: "Throw ball at people.  Don't get hit with ball." Chuck: "*Grunt*").  With his winnings of 10,000 pesos in hand, Liddell parades around like he's just won a medal at the Special Olympics.

Time for picking the next fight, and as Some Totally Forgettable Fighter scored the "W" over Team Ortiz's Ronnie Kray, Liddell gets to choose.  He declares that Wanderlei Silva should fight the Japanese announcer lady from Pride.  At that, White just shakes his head and points at Team Liddell's The Amish Kid and at Team Ortiz's Joe Feminine.  "You and you," says White, while trainer John Hackleberry Finn distracts Liddell with a juice box.

And now we enter… the Ghey Zone.

At the mention of Joe Feminine's name, confetti and streamers rain down, and when he stands before the Amish Kid for the usual pose-down, he's suddenly bedecked in a pink feather boa.  All present seem uncomfortable, but they mask it with uneasy smiles.  A close-up of Hawaii Five-O, who looks into the camera and says, "Yeah, um Joe Feminine, he's, uh, different.  But cool.  I mean, er, yeah.  Cool." 

Training montage.  To the tune of ABBA's "Dancing Queen", Joe Feminine sashays around the cage, batting away his sparring partners punches with a limp-wristed boxing style that leaves onlookers confused and feeling dirty. 

"Joe Feminine was, um, my, er, first pick," says coach Ortiz into the camera.  "Because Dana wanted us to push diversity and appeal to the homo-"  And then he's distracted by a producer off-camera who's whispering something with urgency.  "Because he's a, uh, tough fighter," says Ortiz, correcting himself.  Meanwhile, Joe Feminine is shown kicking a heavy bag while wearing a tutu.

Cut to the Amish Kid back at the TUF House.  He's talking about himself, giving his housemates and the viewers at home some insight into his life.  "I was addicted to drugs," he says.

"Cool story, bro," says Rich Atonofneato.

And it's fight time.  The Amish Kid makes his way to the cage, talking about not being allowed to use modern appliances and having to drive a horse and buggy.  Joe Feminine makes his way to the cage and the lights are dimmed, a disco ball is lowered, and some interminable dance track is blared.  White enters to give his usual spiel about two rounds with a third round if it's a draw and bonuses, and Joe Feminine showers him with a handful of glitter.  The UFC president blushes and exits quickly.

Then it's on!  In Round 1 the Amish Kid scores with a takedown, but seems upset when his attempts at passing the guard are met with his oponent saying gently, "Wait, please don't go.  Just hold me."  Back on the feet and Joe Feminine kicks and slaps, the kind of slaps that seem to say, "Oh you!  That was so funny!"  The round ends with Joe Feminine affixed to the Amish Kid's back, rubbing his shoulders with warm baby oil and muttering, "Mmm, you are so tense."

Back in their respective corners and the Amish Kid breaks down in tears.  "I don't want to do this anymore.  I feel icky."

Round 2 is more of a striking battle, and though the Amish Kid seems to land more and often, his apprehension at actually touching Joe Feminine leads to the Team Ortiz fighter getting the decision.  Liddell doesn't like that and is suddenly confused, stomping around and demanding to know what it takes to win an MMA bout.  "Isn't it about who has the weirder hair?  Isn't it?" he says.

Post-fight interview and the Amish Kid is shaking his head.  "I don't care that I lost," he says.  "I-I just wanted to get out of there.  I think I need to see a therapist," and he weeps.

Joe Feminine, though, couldn't be happier, and wearing a ruffled white button-down shirt and a pair of leather chaps, he leaps like a ballet dancer in front of the camera, yells "Woo!" and leaps away.

The end.