*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
This week on Ultimate Alcoholics Kept in a House: coach Georges St. Pierre speaks and we understand maybe every third or fourth word, Jebediah Lentz is the kind of guy your parents told you to avoid, Josh Kosh B'Gosh is tricked into buying a beat-up Volkswagen Bug, we meet the coaches' assistants, and Bruce Leroy walks around with a pick in his afro - even while fighting!
The episode begins with the TUFers spying the TUF House for the first time. Only it's not the same old TUF House we know and love (something about the walls of the hold house having to be torn down to remove pieces of Mikey Burnett's skull). No, it's a TUF Mansion! And the features include: a stocked bar in the kitchen, a gigantic backyard with an immaculate lawn, a stocked bar in the living room, a spacious den, a stocked bar in the den, a heart-shaped bathtub built for two, a stocked bar in the bathroom, a solarium, a stocked bar in the solarium, an observatory, a stocked bar in the observatory, and a stocked bar in the stocked bar. Of course the kids are thrilled, and Jeremiah Lentz and Bruce Leroy immediately start downing shots. Because that's what you do in the TUF Mansion (as per a clause in the contract everyone signs to take part in the show, right there under the non-disclosure agreement).
Anyway, personalities emerge. Bruce Leroy, adjusting and readjusting the pick in his hair, plays a harmonica and then talks of wrestling alligators and impregnating deer. Jimenez Lentz, meanwhile, lights up a cigarette, and after burning through half a pack and a bottle of Jack Daniels, offers to give tattoos using a rusty safety pin and an old Bic pen he found. "They see me smokin'," says the Jersey Shore bad boy. "They hatin'. They hatin'."
Back at the training center and there's some strategizing going on. You see, it's time to pick teams, and if you win the coin toss you get to either pick the first fighter or pick the first match-up or pick your nose or pick the scabs off of your elbows, which you mysteriously ended up with after waking up next to that transvestite prostitute you think you met in the parking lot outside the Spearmint Rhino. Using English that can best be described by the phrase "Jesus, turn on the closed captioning! Quick!", Georges St. Pierre describes an elaborate plan where he and his assistant coaches enter the dreams of coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh and implant an idea into his mind - an "inception", if you will - that he wants to choose Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch first.
"It can't be done," says Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who starred in the TV show "Third Rock From the Sun".
"It can," says Leonardo DiCaprio.
So Georges St. Pierre enters Josh Kosh B'Gosh's dreams with head trainer Greg Jackson Five and jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement of New Zealand in tow. Within they encounter traffic, a runaway locomotive, men with guns, skiing, Chris Leben asleep on a lawn, and a giant Brazilian fist (attached to normal-sized Paulo Thiago). They return moments later, although the mission seemed to have taken four months due to the slower rate dreams play out in someone's head.
"I tink eet work-ed," says Georges St. Pierre. And sure enough, after winning the coin toss Josh Kosh B'Gosh chooses a battered Volkswagen Bug as the first fighter on his team.
"Close enough," says Dana White to the camera.
So teams are chosen, with some of the kids preferring to be on Georges St. Pierre's team because they like not being able to understand it when someone talks. Then it's training time, and Team St. Pierre sits in a circle, holds hands and sings "Kumbaya". Midway through the tune, jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement breaks into an impromptu song and dance number of his own. Something about "too many dicks on the dance floor".
Cut to Team Kosh B'Gosh and their training session. They're running, drilling, kicking, punching, wrestling, flipping tires, painting fences, waxing on, waxing off, chopping wood and pedaling a ten-person bicycle up and down the Las Vegas Strip. "Mindless training!" Josh Kosh B'Gosh shouts. "Mindless!"
Then, just like that, it's time to pick the first match-up. At the behest of Bruce Leroy, Georges St. Pierre announces that it will be the Last Dragon versus Jolly 'Ole Lentz.
We're at the house now and the tension is so thick you could cut it with… nothing, because there's no tension. There's just Bruce Leroy catching flies with chopsticks and Jan Michael Lentz smoking cigarettes and stealing radios from cars parked in nearby driveways (he stacks his loot in a pile in the backyard). It's a dichotomy, a contrast in approaches, two men with one violent purpose and one goal but diametrically opposed methods of reaching that goal, Bruce Leroy with his tea and meditation under the porch and Jesse James Lentz smoking and cooking up crystal meth in the downstairs bathroom. Who will win when they clash? Who will emerge the victor? The caricature of the '70s martial artist or the kid from New Jersey who very clearly broke out of a juvenile detention center to get here? It's the ageless question, and soon it's answered.
Bruce Leroy enters the Octagon first, grinning, flicking out flashy kicks, a formal black kung fu uniform hanging crisply on his lightweight frame. Jorge Rodriguez Lentz follows, riding in on a deafening Harley-Davidson motorcycle, an unsavory blonde sporting a black eye and a snarl on the handlebars. Once in the cage, the referee signals them to fight.
Round 1 sees Juanito Lentz wade in past Bruce Leroy's strikes and push his foe against the fence, doing well in out-wrestling Bruce Leroy and scoring with a gigantic exclamation point of a hip toss at the bell. In between rounds the coaches work feverishly to rejuvenate their wards, jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement serenading Bruce Leroy with a song about his "sugar lumps", Josh Kosh B'Gosh whispering the words "mindless, mindless, mindless," into Juarez Lentz's ear.
Then it's Round 2, and the two fighters engage, Jiminy Cricket Lentz failing a throw and winding up on the ground with Bruce Leroy on his back, and deftly turning into top position. But Bruce Leroy has that quality, that spiritual martial energy some call "The Glow", and he harnesses it to summon a triangle choke. Jed Lentz attempts to slam his way out of it; instead, he taps.
Bruce Leroy is the winner. And we're treated to another funky '70s dance routine.
Fade to black.