*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
The drama is ratcheted up a notch now that the quarterfinal match-ups are done, and like the Sword of Damocles dangling high above our heads, big questions loom threatening to cleave us in twain. Questions such as: How will Rashad Evans coach his team now that seven of them have made it past the first round? Will Matt Minestrone bail like a junior high cheerleader with PMS? Will Kimbo get another chance to fight? Where will the next overt homosexual innuendo come from? Can these heavyweights fight any worse?
The first semifinal match-up on our plate is "Big Country Fried Steak" Roy Nelson against Justin Wren, and coach Evans decides to let them train each other. Apparently Evans admires coach Jackson's laissez-faire style of "Hey, you guys do whatever you want. I have more important things to do." So, um, yeah. Roy Nelson and Justin Wren. Training montage! Close up of Roy Nelson's belly, with Wes Sims drawing smiley faces on it with a magic marker. Push-ups. Justin Wren fighting with an anthropomorphic rodent, desperately trying to snag the last remaining dumpling. Brendan Cottonswab doing jumping-jacks. Kimbo pulling apart his beard and a pair of white doves flying out, up, up and away into the sky.
Meanwhile, Matt Minestrone is still reeling from his war with Scott Garbage. Or maybe he's just faking. Who cares? It would be more interesting if he just keeled over and went into a coma, right there in the TUF van, and then they pull over, open the door and kick his limp body out onto the side of the road, human debris on the Las Vegas highway. But no! He has to go to the hospital and stay overnight.
"Kimbo!" exclaims a producer. "Kimbo! You're going back into the competition! Yipee!"
Back at the TUF training center - actually, the parking lot to be exact - and Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head is a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. Zoinks!) is holding a bunch of cocks, er, roosters, er… dammit. You got me. Anyway, the roosters go directly into the cars of coach Evans and his staff, because nothing tastes better than a chicken roasted in the backseat of a car heated to 500 degrees by the hot Nevada sun. Car chicken - it's what's for dinner!
Matt Minestrone returns to the TUF house after his overnight stay at the hospital and one of the producers breaks down and sobs. Dana White shows up, checking to see if Matt Minestrone is still into, you know, the whole fighting thing.
"I'll fill in for him!" the battered Scott Garbage interjects, and since his name is not Kimbo, he's laughed at then ignored - like that retarded cousin who craps himself at major family gatherings is ignored - for the rest of the season.
And then it's fight time. Clearly, because Roy Nelson is a jiu-jitsu black belt and Justin Wren is a skilled wrestler, they must engage in a stand-up battle, the two running up to each other at various times and throwing one to three punches, then running away. This goes on for two rounds, and oddly enough everyone around the cage wants another round. Why? Was that not enough for you? Jesus, it was enough for me.
Roy Nelson is declared the winner by majority decision, and through scowling, gritted teeth Dana White says, "Congrats. I hate you."