Monday, November 29, 2010

Cage Fury Fighting Championship's Greatest Hits

So the Cage Fury Fighting Championship has rebooted and will be returning to Atlantic City in February, which should be great news for both fans and fighters alike looking for another dose of fistic goodness.  “Wait,” you may say.  “Didn’t the CFFC crash and burn years ago?”  Why yes, they did.  But until that fateful day when their moneyman saw how much every fighter was being paid and pulled the plug, they were kicking ass like no other promotion before (and few since).  Therefore, a walk down memory lane is in order.  Get ready for… CFFC’s greatest hits!

  • Kimbo vs. Ray Mercer – Once upon a time there was this big, scary dude who would fight people in backyards and the bouts would be posted on the Internet.  Everyone thought he was badass, so an MMA match-up – against a former heavyweight boxing champ, no less – was in order.  And that’s how we got Kimbo Slice vs. Ray Mercer, which was an exhibition bout and the main event of CFFC 5.
  • Josh Rhodes – Josh Rhodes was to face-punching what dynamite is to blowing holes in cave walls, and he was the CFFC light-heavyweight champ.  Seriously, no one could stand with this guy, and the West Virginian retired undefeated when CFFC bit the dust.
  • Tamdan McCrory – Before he made it to the UFC, Tamdan McCrory established himself as a badass in Northeast with three consecutive dominant performances in CFFC.  Watching McCrory then was like watching a runaway freight train loaded with fissionable nuclear material: scary up close, but fun to watch if you’re not caught in the mushroom cloud.
  • Dante Rivera, Alexis Aquino and their postfight riot – In 2007 Alexis Aquino was pure, unbridled meanness.  Dante Rivera, meanwhile, was your everyday hero.  When they met their battle was epic, and when Rivera ended it with a heelhook, the postfight brawl that erupted in the cage between Rhino Fight Team and Ricardo Almeida’s BJJ academy was just as epic.  Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and nothing got too out of hand.  But for a second there, it looked like that scene in West Side Story where the two gangs snap their fingers and dance and sing.  Only with no snapping fingers, dancing or singing.  Be cool, Frankie Edgar, be cool!
  • 7,300 people – That’s how many spectators packed into Boardwalk Hall to watch Kimbo and Mercer fight, and outside of UFC events, that’s a whole hell of a lot of people.  Hopefully, CFFC can get creative with their matchmaking and recapture some of that magic.

DaMMAge Fight League Postscript

(Pardon the lateness, book manuscript was due to publisher and all that.  What?  You don't care?  Well suck it.)  Good show.  Attendance was dismal, but that has to be attributed to the holiday the next day - who wants to go to Atlantic City the night before Thanksgiving?  But those who did were treated to Jonathan Helwig's bloody return to combat, Chris Liguori's handling of John Salgado, and Tara LaRosa's gritty win over a very tough Takayo Hashi.  One has to wonder what more LaRosa has to do to get a slot in Strikeforce… maybe kill someone?  The pro scene in New Jersey has been getting pretty crowded lately, but if DaMMAge keeps producing quality, they're certainly a worthwhile addition.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Liveblog: Big Bang Part 4

UFC Rafaello Oliveira and Kevin Roddy enter the cage and square off. Apparently still very angry that the UFC cut him, Oliveira is all mean and fury, getting Roddy down, raining down strikes, and working on the rear naked choke. Roddy is game, but he has no choice but to tap at 4:46 or Round 1. Next: Chris Liguori vs. John Salgado. On paper, this is Liguori's to win or lose. But you never know... Round 1 is all about these two waging war on the feet, peppering each other with kicks, knees and punches, and a pace that remains high throughout. But Salgado can't seem to match Liguori's intensity, and in Rounds 2 and 3 the Ricardo Almeida-trained fighter gets Salgado down and works him over. Ligouri takes the unanimous decision. Branden Hinkle and Kevin Jordan are up for some old school heavyweight action. Hinkle has longtime training partner Mark Coleman in his corner. Jordan, meanwhile, has the voodoo diety Legba, so we'll see how it goes. Wow. Hinkle looks completely revitalized. First with a takedown, then top position, then hellacious ground and pound, and Hinkle gets the TKO win at 2:30 of Round 1. Last bout and it's Tara LaRosa against Takayo Hashi for a title. Round 1 let's us know right off the bat what's in store: a grappling chess match on the ground and a very tactical battle on the feet. Maybe - maybe - Hashi spends more time on top in the first and LaRosa lands more in the second, but no one is dominating. All that changes in Round 3, as LaRosa gets a takedown and works her way into back-control. Unfortunately for her, the bell rings before she can finish the choke. Round 3 alternates between tentativeness and bursts of violence, and again the bell rings with LaRosa on Hashi's back. Maybe Hashi spends more time on top in the final round - maybe - and when time runs out the judges are left with the unenviable job of deciding who won. Their answer: LaRosa. Adios!


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Liveblog: Big Bang Part 3

AMA FC's Jonathan Helwig and Team KOA's Lewis Pascavage square off for some heavyweight punch-tango. This one starts off with Pascavage absolutely lighting Helwig up and bloodying him. But the AMA FC rep refuses to wither, and he gets Pascavage down, gets on top, and applies the head-arm choke for the tap at 2:04 of Round 1. Biff Walizer of Team Tap or Sleep and Jeremy Anderson of American Kickboxing Academy are up now. Anderson is undefeated in four fights, and he keeps his streak going with wrestling and wilting pressure. Walizer taps to a rear naked choke at 3:17 of Round 1. Eric Moon and Tenyeh Dixon are next, and the bout pits a MASH fighter against a Team Raw Dawg rep. Dixon - another very experienced cat - wastes no time getting Moon down, taking his back, and submitting him with a rear naked choke. The official time of the tap is 2:33 of Round 1.


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Liveblog: Big Bang Part 2

First up is Zachary Sanders vs. Piotr Andrejko, which pits a dude from Kentucky against a Renzo Gracie Danville rep at lightweight. Round 1 is pretty back and forth, with Sanders trying to work his ground and pound and Andrejko threatening with punches and a kimura. However, all of Sanders' takedown attempts begin to exhaust him, and in Round 2 Andrejko gets on top and punishes. The final frame sees Andrejko wobble Sanders and Sanders survive to get the local boy down and work him over. It's close, and when time runs out the split decision goes to Andrejko. Next is Fight Factory's Steve McCabe taking on Darnell Hooker of Team Catch Wrestling in a featherweight contest. Hooker comes out with guns blazing, doing his best to overwhelm his foe with knees and flurries. McCabe beats him back at first, but eventually Hooker clips him, and when McCabe sinks to his knees, Hooker slips on the rear naked choke. Binky Jones of Team Ground Control takes to the cage to face Team Greg Jackson's Ran Weathers. Binky's been around forever, so we'll see if he can work the experience-angle in his favor. The opening round is essentially a jiu-jitsu match with punches, and when the bell rings Binky is on top looking for a place to put his fist. It's hard to tell if it's experience or grappling superiority that does it, but Binky dominates Weathers in Round 2 - so much so that Weathers makes damn sure that he's not on bottom in Round 3. It doesn't matter, though, and Binky takes the unanimous decision when time runs out.

Liveblog: Big Bang Part 1

MMA Journalist is here at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City for Carl Mascarenhas' DaMMAge Fight League debut, which is dubbed the "Big Bang" and which has already drawn the ire of right wing religious nutjobs everywhere who believe in Creation (get it? The Big Bang vs. God creating the universe? Ah, shut up). Anyhoo, Chris Liguori is letting a very underrated John Salgado take a crack at glory, Tara LaRosa is squaring off against some Japanese chick may or may not be her ticket to Strikeforce, and Kevin Jordan and Branden Lee Hinkle are going to do something. I don't know. Maybe fight. Also, Jonathan Helwig is on the card, and I still haven't forgiven him for killing my character in Urbandead for no reason. Yes, it was about six years ago, but c'mon, he shotgunned me to death and turned me into a zombie. Boo! Hiss!


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Joe Rogan to Mitch the Intern: "Dude, You Suck"

The Internet became a battleground today, with a beloved UFC commentator and Tae Kwon Do expert hurling insults at one of MMA Journalist's own.  Joe Rogan, taking great umbrage at Mitch the Intern's recent spate of tweets advocating the use of hemp for a variety of household chores (hemp oil for mopping the floor, hemp rope for tying up the dog), appeared on the popular forum and unleashed a hateful tirade at the perpetual NYU undergrad.  "Mitch the Intern no longer gets paid by MMA Journalist," Rogan stated in one post.  "I got him fired.  First time I've ever done this to a so-called MMA journalist, but I've had more than enough of these fucking zeros clogging up the sport with their incompetent bullshit."  Added the comedian and noted broadcaster: "You wanted my attention, douchebag?  You got it."  Rogan later went on to clarify his "douchebag" slur, stating that "I am in no way douchbag-o-phobic.  I just meant that Mitch the Intern is a container of douches."  Curiously, Mitch the Intern was never on the company payroll, and he intends to keep submitting his TUF write-ups to MMA Journalist gratis.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Observations from My Couch: UFC 123 "Ultimate Don't Call It a Comeback, BJ's Been Here for Years"

  • Joe Lauzon is one hell of a one-round fighter.  Now if he can just get that intensity up to two rounds…
  • Phil Davis is tough, but he needs to face someone legitimately in the light-heavyweight mix and not someone brought in to lose.
  • Maiquel Falcao: when you absolutely, positively want to kill an American grappler overnight.
  • Edson Barboza: when you absolutely, positively want to kill an American grappler overnight, part 2.
  • I don’t know who that Armenian was in there with Dennis Hallman, but that was not Karo Parisyan.
  • Twenty-one seconds?  Really?  BJ, I’m wondering if you even trained for your second fight with Matt Hughes.  ‘Cause you wrecked him like you did the first time you two fought.
  • Quinton Jackson managed to avoid the stanky leg and win.  Good for him.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Predictions for UFC 123: "Ultimate Rehash"

Hey, guess what?  There a UFC this weekend on pay-per-view!  And thanks to some uninspired matchmaking – like, “six days in an opium den” uninspired – no one cares.  I mean, Matt Hughes is facing BJ Penn again?  Why?  Did someone lose a bet?  Do Hughes and Penn anticipate big credit card bills this Christmas and want some extra cheddar to ease the bank account pain?  And you just know that Quinton Jackson really does not care about this whole fighting thing anymore, so you count on Jackson vs. Lyoto Machida being an exercise in man-huggery.  But alas, it’s a UFC, and with Strikeforce giving us a Challengers event on Friday with about one compelling bout (Justin Wilcox vs. Vitor “Shaolin” Ribeiro), and no local MMA to check out, this bland helping of Octagon fare is all we’ve got.  So, predictions.

  • George Sotiropoulos likes to wear spandex pants covered in a sticky resin, and some say it gives him an edge in grappling (“Help!  I’m stuck to this guy’s legs!  Ah, he’s choking me!”).  Joe Lauzon looks like he should be helping a mad scientist create a monster from the parts dug up from a cemetery.  I predict these two to try the hardest.  And that counts for something.
  • Aaron Simpson and Mark Munoz are well-credentialed wrestlers.  When they meet in the cage, expect a lot of hopscotch.
  • Phil Davis is another big-time wrestler, and Tim Boetsch once tossed an opponent headfirst into the floor of the Octagon like the dude owed him money.  Sadly, we will never see a move that cool again.
  • Gerald Harris is facing Brazilian newcomer Maiquel Falcao.  “Falcao” means “just some guy” in Portuguese.
  • Hughes vs. Penn vs. everyone wondering why this match-up was made vs. everyone that cares.
  • I still have not seen “The A-Team” movie.  Is it any good?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 10

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

Fade in to a SpikeTV producer in a dimly-lit room, leaning over an editor who is in turn leaning over an editing console and a pair of monitors.

"So we tried adding a drunken French kickboxer into the mix," says the producer.  "That was good for maybe one and a half episodes.  Then we added a convicted rapist.  Then we added a 'medic', then some unknown high-ranking wrestler.  What's left on the list of ratings boosters?"

The editor reaches for a clipboard on his desk, begins reading aloud from it.  "Uh, we still have that actress who will come onto the set claiming to be Georges St. Pierre's secret wife.  There's also that kid who will claim to be St. Pierre's illegitimate son.  And there's still that kidnapping-and-ransom plot we can throw in, the hostage situation, and, uh, that whole rampaging escaped rhinoceros thing."

"Is that it?" asks the producer.  "Nothing less… blatant?"

The editor stares at the clipboard some more.  "Ah, yes.  There's a boxing trainer.  Freddie Roach.  We have him down as guest training St. Pierre's team and accidentally killing one of them."

"Hmmm…" says the producer, considering the options.  Then he snaps his finger and points at one of the monitors.  "Okay, we'll use the boxing trainer, but no deaths.  We need to inject some life into this thing yet nothing too over-the-top."

"Done," says the editor with a nod.

And so that's how another character is added to this emotionally-devoid season of "The Ultimate Boring".  But first!

A quarterfinal match-up between Dr. Watson and Eye-run Wal-king Some looms.  And by "looms", I mean, we see them saying "yeah, we're going to fight," and then boom, they're making their way to the Octagon before five minutes have elapsed in the episode.

"Don't get choked out," coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh advises his British ward.  But Eye-run Wal-king Some has other ideas, and when the ref yells "fight!" the Brit promptly lies down on his stomach and lets Dr. Watson take his back.  The ensuing rear naked choke is purely academic, the inevitable tap out a sad testament to how no one - not even the fighters themselves - is really giving a crap anymore.

"Damn," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh, apparently believing that a coach's role extends only as far as shouting last-second advice as your fighter steps into the cage.

There's one quarterfinal bout left, the eagerly-anticipated (okay, not really) hate-filled (well, not exactly) grudge (um, nah) match between Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy. 

Says Georges St. Mumble: "Dese guys, day real-ee 'ate each other, so nat-chur-lee, day must fight."  Whatever.

Cut to the guest appearance of boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach, who coached Rocky Balboa to a gutsy win in his rematch against Ivan Drago, and who taught Cain how to swing a rock for his bout against Abel.  Freddie Roach holds the pads for the alien Jonathan ("Good hand speed, but what the hell is this guy?  A muppet?"), holds the pads for Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy ("What does that cue card say?  'Boy, these guys really hate each other'?), and holds the pads for no one, standing there and telling an imaginary boxer that his jab is fast.

There's also some kind of faux-static with Josh Kosh B'Gosh somehow blaming the last quarterfinal match-up on Georges St. All Smiles No Discernible Words, like, the pairing is the fault of the Canadian's machinations.  But we know better.  This season has produced so much coach vs. coach heat that volcanoes are like, "Whoa, guys, chill out."  This is just one more excuse for these two to hate each other passionately and tack on an extra 300,000 consumers for their future pay-per-view fight. 

And then Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy are fighting, Bruce Leroy in his yellow jumpsuit with his afro swaying to and fro, Chris Rock on Steroids talking about how awesome the "Rush Hour" films were and how he was supposed to star in the "Karate Kid" remake with Jackie Chan but that "Chinese son of a bitch screwed me."  For all his flashy kicks and wild techniques, though, Bruce Leroy can't help but fall prey to his opponent's wrestling, and Chris Rock on Steroids picks him up and dumps onto the canvas over and over and over again.  Though tired in Round 2, Chris Rock keeps up with the punishment.  Bruce Leroy - unable to summon the mythical "Glow" - loses the decision.

"That fight sucked," Josh Kosh B'Gosh says angrily to Georges St. Has No Business Even Pretending He Can Speak English.

"Hey, go easy, man," says Mount Kilauea in Hawaii.

Post-fight and Dana White calls the coaches into his lair to determine the final two match-ups.  There's no fanfare, there's no conflict (which is pretty much typical of this season).  Both coaches and UFC president agree that Chris Rock on Steroids should face Banh Mi (which leaves Dr. Watson facing Jonathan).  They in turn tell the remaining fighters.

Cut to the dimly-lit room.  The SpikeTV producer is staring at the monitor.  Slowly he begins shaking his head.  "You know what?" he says.

"What?" says the editor.

"This sucks.  Get the zoo on the phone.  We're going to need that rhinoceros."

Fade to black.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Collection of News Haiku

So much news, so little time.  But fear not, as MMA Journalist has condensed current events into easily-digestible Japanese poem form!

  • Jay Hieron signs with / Bellator.  Wait, what?  You mean / Jay Hieron still fights?
  • Josh Gross leaves S.I. / for ESPN.  Guess what? / Dana White still hates him.
  • Machida trained with / Steven Seagal.  Won’t help, though.  / Rampage has A-Team.
  • Roy Nelson’s career / is on hold.  Something about / new McRib, I bet.
  • Strikeforce cut Roxy. / That’s fine, though.  There will always / be a Moosin show.
  • Dana, I’m still a / bit fuzzy re: you and Gross. / Dana White: “I hate him!”

Monday, November 15, 2010

Observations from My Couch: UFC 122 "Ultimate Scrubs"

  • Do you think the folks at SpikeTV even realize they’re getting the scrubs and B-team fighters for their shows?  Do you think they even care?
  • Anytime an old schooler like Duane “Bang” Ludwig gets a win is “feel good” time.  Man, did he wreck Shad Smith in King of the Cage or what?
  • Seth Petruzelli: getting smashed by Eastern European wrestlers so you don’t have to.
  • The Krzystof Soszynski vs. Goran Reljic would have been more interesting if Skrjweatyut Ekatriwqoesm,xzy was the referee.
  • I was almost impressed when Kris McCray started out-grappling Carlos Rocha.  But then he got subbed.
  • How many softballs is Amir Sadollah going to get tossed before he starts looking impressive?  My guess is about twenty.
  • Dennis Siver smoked Andre Winner, Winner wasn’t the winner, blah, blah, blah.  There’s nothing witty to say about that fight without sounding like a hack.
  • I don’t know what sucks more: Nate Marquardt’s uneven performances in the Octagon or the fact that Yushin Okami is going to try to dry hump the winner of Anderson Silva vs. Vitor Belfort and make little Japanese/Brazilian babies.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Liveblog: MMA World Expo

MMA Journalist is here at the MMA World Expo, which is taking place in the cavernous the Javitz Center on the west side of Manhattan. Sadly, I got here too early to witness the throngs of salivating MMA fandom crowding every square inch of booth, mat and ring. But there are a ton of vendors here, including Sadistic Athletics (they're selling clothes), the Fight Nerd (he's selling smooches), and a plethora of jiu-jitsu and MMA schools (they're all selling staph). In terms of fighters dishing out autographs, Dan and Jim Miller and Fabricio Werdum are on tap tonight, while Jon Jones, Carlos Condit and Tom Galliccio are scheduled for tomorrow. Right at this hot moment I'm sitting in the audience for an Eddie Goldman-moderated panel discussion on "The Past, Present and Future of MMA". There about ten of us listening raptly to Goldman wax poetic on how you can't trust the man, so, yeah, woot.


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The "MMA in New York" Press Conference in a Nutshell

"We don't know anything but let's meet once a month and figure out the answers." Host Keith Creed, I applaud your effort.


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 9

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

The quarterfinal match-ups are upon us, and by now, after so many weeks in the TUF House and so many training sessions and so many fights, everyone knows everything about everyone else.  For instance, it's no secret Dr. Watson likes to solve crimes.  And all are well aware that Jeremiah Johnson Lentz is running a meth lab in the backroom of the TUF Gym and that Andy My Main Man is a part-time pimp.  Also not a secret: Jonathan is some kind of non-human creature (a white-ish Na'vi?) who favors the rear naked choke, and Armenians are a sucker for a good rear naked choke.

Which is problematic for Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, who must face Jonathan in unarmed combat. 

"Bro, don't let that alien thing choke you out," says teammate and ethnic brethren the Armenian Wonder.

"That's sound advice," says coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh later on.  "Seriously, just avoid giving up your back altogether.  In fact, if you can somehow keep your back pressed up against the cage  - like, immediately, the second the referee says "go" - you should be able to stay out of trouble."

Jonathan, meanwhile, likes to sit out in the yard and commune with nature.  Or stay away from humans.  Who knows.

"Everyone in the house thinks they're in the UFC," he says, his tail twitching behind him.  "But we're not.  They are on Terra, which is what you homo sapiens call Earth."

It's almost fight time, but before then, we're treated to Georges St. What The Heck Is He Saying? talking about either a) new coaching methodologies; b) giraffes; c) gibberish and how it's an effective way of speaking.  Either way, we get to see him dance around, gesticulate like a lunatic and maul English words like a rabid pitbull that chomps on Schoolhouse Rock cartoon characters.  At this stage in the game, you can't hold it against the Canadian for subjecting us to his incoherent diatribes.  You can only resent the SpikeTV execs for putting the man before the camera in the first place.

And then Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 and Jonathan are in the Octagon mixing it up.  Actually, they're not mixing up so much as they're re-enacting Jonathan's other TUF 12 bout with the Armenian Wonder.  Takedown, back-control, rear naked choke, tap.  Seriously, when it comes to falling for that submission, it has to be a genetic predisposition or something.

Next up, Banh Mi versus Spuds McKenzie - a match-up that pits a laid-back and kindly Vietnamese kid who used to sell Ecstasy against a weird dude who talks like he's mentally disabled.  Spuds McKenzie has won 50 or so fights via guillotine (including one over Marky-Marc), so like with Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, the advice just keeps rolling in.

"Don't let him guillotine you," says coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh to Banh Mi.

Banh Mi nods.

"Guillotine.  Don't let him," says teammate Jethro Lentz.

Banh Mi nods.

"For 40 dollars, I can get you a lady who will let you guillotine her," says Andy My Main Man.  "For 80, you can heelhook her."

Banh Mi wrinkles his brow, perhaps considering the offer.

Later, in the TUF House kitchen, Banh Mi and Spuds McKenzie are talking, cordially discussing things like how they usually fight and how they win.

"I usually win via guillotine," says Spuds McKenzie.

"Really?" says Banh Mi.  "I think I might have heard something about that."

And bang, it's fight time again.  Spuds McKenzie does not go for the guillotine, as at no time does Banh Mi duck his head and shoot for a takedown; instead, the taller fighter presses the Vietnamese kid against the fence and punishes him.  Though widely renown as an inferior fighter, Spuds McKenzie takes the round.  However, all those quick wins via submission did his cardio no favors, and he has nothing in his tank for Round 2.  Banh Mi promptly punches him in the gut and TKOs him.

Afterwards, Spuds McKenzie is despondent about tasting loss for the first time in his career.

Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh, though, is stoked.  Like, ticker tape parade-level stoked.  Like, jumping around the cage banging a tambourine-level stoked.  In other words, he's happy.

Fade to black.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"MMA in NYC" Press Conference on Thursday Night

Friday and Saturday may be jam-packed with MMA World Expo lovin', but on Thursday night there's an "MMA in NYC" press conference being held on the Upper West Side. The venue is the Underground Lounge, which is at 955 West End Avenue (i.e., Broadway and 107th Street), the time is 6:30pm, and Keith Creed is the host. Says the 1800Whoopass website: "Join Keith Creed as he outlines the game plan and ignites the march towards making Mixed Martial Arts legal in New York". Hey, when I come across two homeless men fighting over discarded underwear in the park I liveblog about it, so there's no reason I shouldn't go to this, right? Besides, I am automatically drawn to anything involving the word "underground".

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

MMA World Expo to Feature Everything But MMA

The second annual MMA World Expo is this Friday and Saturday at the Javitz Center in Manhattan, and like last year, it promises a wealth of fight-related goodness.  There's a ton of fighters scheduled to appear, there are seminars and demos on tap, there's a panel discussion ("The Past, Present and Future of Mixed Martial Arts"), and there will be a wide selection of retailers in row after row of booths.  There's even a grappling tournament and a Muay Thai tournament scheduled.  What's missing?  Mixed martial arts fights, obviously, and you can blame the folks up in Albany for that.  Yeah, yeah, MMA needs to be sanctioned, blah, blah, blah.  You've heard it all before.  The bottom line is there's a worthwhile MMA expo in New York City this weekend - don't hold anything against it for not having MMA bouts.  I swear, it's not its fault.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Top Memorabilia from Promotions Dead and Gone

The WEC’s second-to-last show is this Thursday, and in anticipation of a suddenly finite number of branded shirts, hats and “Urijah Faber: Featherweight Champ” coffee mugs, MMA memorabilia collectors have begun stockpiling anything and everything that bears those three magical letters. Why? Because no more of it will be made, and in a few years whatever sports the WEC logo is going to be worth a pretty penny. In fact, a quick sweep of E-Bay turns up a wealth of items from a variety of dead promotions, items running the gamut in terms of value. So here, without further ado, is a list of the top memorabilia from promotions dead and gone:

  • Item: Fake dog crap from IFL mascot Bob the Basset Hound of the Dayton Dogs; Value: $47.16
  • Item: Small rug woven from the loose back hair of Murilo Bustamante after his 40-minute butt-scoot against Tom Erikson at Martial Arts Reality Superfighting; Value: $120.80
  • Item: Limited-edition “Rapping with $kala” CD featuring EliteXC stars; Value: $.09
  • Item: Official transcript of John Peretti’s disconcerting homoerotic double-entendres from Extreme Fighting III; Value: $2,034.00
  • Item: YAMMA Pit Fighting concave cage, converted into a hot tub; Value: $11,569.32
  • Item: Affliction “Fedor vs. Josh Barnett” beach towel; Value: $8.00
  • Item: BodogFIGHT business plan; Value: zero
  • Item: Kazushi Sakuraba, post stint in Pride Fighting Championship; Value: a pack of smokes, or best offer

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 8

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

The wildcard match-up!  The wildcard match-up!  It's all about the wildcard match-up!  Does Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch deserve a second chance after crapping the bed in his first semifinal bout?  Should it have been Joe Native American in his place instead?  No one disagrees with Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some being there, because he does make an effort to speak the language, but was no one else beside Marky-Mark worthy?  Andy My Main Man thinks he was worthy, and he says so from a throne erected in the living room of the TUF House.

"I was worthy," he says, a diamond-studded cane in one hand and a scantily-clad brunette reclining on a purple pillow at his feet.

"My main man!" shouts P. Diddy as he cruises by the house in the back of a white stretch HUMVEE limousine. 

"I was worthy too," adds Jeffrey Livingston Lentz.

"I like pickles," says Jonathan, who could very well be an alien or some sort of human-muppet hybrid.  "Or maybe I like cucumbers."

But fight Marky-Mark and Eye-run Wal-king Some will, so they continue to train, side-by-side as usual and even going so far as to braid each other's hair and hold hands on the treadmill.  "We'll always be friends forever," says the fox.  "Yeah, friends forever," says the hound.

However, not "friends forever" is Josh Kosh B'Gosh and the "medic", who was added to the cast last week because the coach vs. coach dynamic has generated so much heat a snowflake would say, "Jesus, it's cold in here."  And that's not good television.

"You are a male nurse," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh to the medic when both are back at the locker rooms.

The medic puffs out his chest, opens his mouth, but seemingly forgets what he was supposed to say.  He pauses to glance at the index card in his palm.  "Uh, no.  I am not," he retorts in a monotone.  Someone off-screen hands him a waste paper basket and gives Josh Kosh B'Gosh a plunger.  "And now, we will fight," says the medic.

The two spar comically for a bit, and when it's time for the wildcard fight weigh-in, their battle spills out into the main training room, where Josh Kosh B'Gosh manages to pull the medic's shorts down.

"Stop, I am naked," says the medic, and he shuffles around with his shorts around his ankles and then does a poorly-staged pratfall on his face.  When the medic rises a questionable scuffle ensues - Josh Kosh B'Gosh shouting "male nurse!" and the medic fumbling for his index card and his scripted response - and from his post near the scale Nevada State Athletic Commission Grand Poobah Keith Kizer yells, "Hey, cut it out, Nevada ain't sanctioning no works."  But before the "fight" can get broken up, Joe Native American takes an errant pompom in the face and storms off angry.

Both Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh follow him, and corner him in the hallway.

"You do not 'ave to, er, get so up-set, Joseph Nay-tif Ameri-cain.  It ees all just a ploy to git bet-terr ray-teens," says the Canadian in Canada-Speak.

"I can't understand you!" Joe Native American shouts in exasperation.  "No one can!"

Meanwhile, back at the TUF House Bruce Leroy and Chris Rock on Steroids don't get along.  They're aren't urinating on each other's comforters, scrapping on the patio or threatening each other with bodily harm, but there's at least a moderate dislike.  In the background a SpikeTV producer can be heard cackling with glee, and their "feud" is given camera time.

"Yeah, if I had to, I would fight him," says Chris Rock on Steroids.  Oh, the tension as the two UFC aspirants tuck each other into bed!

It's almost fight time, but before that joy a producer hands Eye-run Wal-king Some a telephone.  On the other end is someone purporting to be the Brit's mom.  "Eye-run?  Your Nana is dead."

Eye-run Wal-king Some squints.  "Uh, ma?  She died years ago."

"Yes.  But she's still dead."

And then it's fight time, and Marky-Mark is large and in charge throughout Round 1, looking like a true number-one TUF draft pick.  He gets his opponent down easily and demonstrates a variety of jiu-jitsu techniques, including the "almost armbar" and the "almost triangle".  Unfortunately, Eye-run Wal-king Some knows how to do that complicated move known as the "guillotine", and in Round 2 Marky-Mark is caught in it.  He taps out.

"I guess I need to learn how to defend against the guillotine," Marky-Mark says to the camera at the Post-Fight Tree Confessional.

With the wildcard bout all taken care of, Dana White calls the two coaches into his Den of Sin.  Why?  Because it's time to make the quarterfinal match-ups, and he usually likes hear what the coaches have to say about the matter.  Sadly, the language problem rears its ugly head.

"Eet would be an een-terr-est-ting fight, er, if a lion and a ti-gerr fought with-in the cage, I tink," says Georges St. What?  "Wid dat in mind, perhaps pair-ring up Chris Rock on de Stair-oyds and may-bee Bruce Lee-roy would, er, make for…"

"Oh my God, please stop talking," says Dana White.

And with that, he shoos them out and makes the match-ups on his own.  His choices, which he announces to the remaining fighters assembled in the TUF Gym: Jonathan vs. Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34, Spuds McKenzie vs. Banh Mi, Dr. Watson vs. Eye-run Wal-king Some, and Chris Rock on Steroids vs. Bruce Leroy.

The end.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Relevancy of Bob Reilly Getting Re-Elected

Incumbent New York State Assemblyman Bob Reilly, who has long been the most vocal adversary to the legalizion of pro MMA in the Empire State, is currently in a hotly-contested battle for re-election.  But just how relevant is his re-election to the cause of repealing the State's ban on the sport?  Not relevant at all.  As a member of the Tourism, Arts and Sports Development Committee, Reilly had the juice to derail things in 2008, but when it came time to debate the issue in 2009 and 2010, he got his ass kicked (i.e., out-voted).  A Senate coup and a lame-duck governor were the only reasons the legalization bills fizzled these past two years, and thanks to newly-elected governor Andrew Coumo - who took a $75,000 campaign donation from the folks at Zuffa - the smart money is on those stumbling blocks never being encountered again.  So when is pro MMA getting legalized here and when is the UFC, Strikeforce, Bellator and ROC coming to Madison Square Garden?  Who knows.  But what is known that whether it does or does not happen, Bob Reilly's post as Chief Hater of the Assembly matters not at all.  After all, it hasn't mattered for a while now.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Important Tips for Tom Gallicchio Re: His December 10th Fight in Russia

M-1 Global “Selections-Americas” welterweight tournament winner Tom Gallicchio will be journeying to Russia for his next fight, and when he squares off against Selections-Eastern Europe tournament winner Shamil Zavurov at the Druzhba Arena in Moscow on December 10th, the New Jersey badass will be venturing into the Land of Borscht and Vodka for the first time.  What should Gallicchio do and not do when visiting this foreign place?  As Tom has long been one of MMA Journalist’s friends (he took a bullet for me in ‘Nam), I’ve Googled up these important tips:

  • The national animal of Russia is the bear, and they are beloved by all citizens.  Consequently, hundreds of bears roam freely throughout the Moscow subway system.  Avoid them.  They are not friendly.
  • December is summertime in Russia.  Bring a bathing suit and a surfboard!
  • As world leaders go, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is most notable for his background in judo.  Offer to demonstrate what happens when a judo practitioner gives up his back to a guy with a killer rear naked choke.
  • If you pick up a Russian mail-order bride and bring her back with you, you will save a ton on postage.
  • In Soviet Russia, marijuana smokes you!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Five Reasons Why the UFC/WEC Merger is Going to Suck

Yeah, so last week Dana White announced that the UFC and the WEC would be merging.  Considering how much the WEC’s first pay-per-view event was scrubbed of its branding and run by all the usual UFC suspects, this merger should come as a surprise to only the deaf, dumb, blind and people stuck in mines for extended periods of time.  Of course everyone is stoked for the all the current WEC fighters, who will (hopefully) look forward to better paydays under the UFC banner and gain a ton more notoriety.  But there’s some serious downside to the union that everyone is overlooking – everyone but MMA Journalist, that is.  So here are five reasons why the UFC/WEC merger is going to suck:

  • The WEC is going to leave the Versus network for the greener pastures of pay-per-view, which will mean no more awesome free cards.  Also, everyone that purchases the next pay-per-view that features former WEC fighters will be retroactively charged for the free WEC events they’ve seen in the past.
  • Thanks to an agreement between Joe Silva and the Nevada State Athletic Commission, two bantamweight fighters will equal one heavyweight fighter for matchmaking purposes.  This means fighters like Miguel Torres and Brian Bowles may have to face Brock Lesnar simultaneously.
  • With the merging of the two organizations’ lightweight divisions and the inevitable number of sub-standard 155-pounders that will get cut, the question arises: where will Jamie Varner go now?
  • Lately, watching a WEC card is like being handed a glass of ice-cold Gatorade after a long, hard workout, whereas watching a UFC card is like being handed a glass of mud.  But how tasty is a glass of Gatorade mixed with mud? 
  • After swallowing a number of diminutive WEC fighters whole, Frank Mir was booted from his commentating gig and ordered by the Clark County Superior Court to stay away from the little guys.  But this merger means that Mir will now be in close proximity to such small fries as Damacio Page, Charlie Valencia and Scott Jorgensen.  AND FRANK MIR HUNGRY.