Thursday, July 1, 2010

Predictions for UFC 116: "Ultimate What's Up Now That Fedor Lost?"

Last Saturday night there was a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Fedor fans cried out and were suddenly then silenced.  And now… and now… we’re left with a UFC headlined by a bout that could determine who is the new number one heavyweight in the world.  Will it be Shane Carwin, who’s never seen a fight go past the first round and for all we know could have absolutely no gas tank?  Or will it be Brock Lesnar, who’s had a grand total of five MMA bouts in his lifetime and even lost one of them?  Goddammit, Fedor, do you see what you’ve left us with?  Anyway, predictions.

    • Northeast MMA juggernaut Ricardo Romero is facing Kimbo-killer Seth Petruzelli in his UFC debut, and the bout will air as a prelim on SpikeTV.  Excellent.  So millions of people will get to watch Petruzelli become the first Octagon fatality.
    • Brendan Schaub got destroyed by Roy Nelson.  Chris Tuchscherer’s testicles got destroyed by Gabriel Gonzaga and Tuchscherer subsequently barfed in the cage.  I don’t know who will win this, nor do I care, but it’s interesting that these two fighters’ most notable performances in the UFC involve their destruction.
    • Kurt Pellegrino may be known as “Batman”, but in Australia George Sotiropoulos is known as Koala Man – who isn’t quite as menacing or tough as the Gotham-based superhero, but, you know, he’s still gets to wear a costume and fight crime.  Petty crimes, though.  Like, misdemeanors and parking violations.
    • I hope Krzysztof Soszynski loses and gets cut by the UFC for no other reason than it’s a bitch spelling out his name.
    • Chris Lytle: giving the UFC its dose of Toughman, one Fight of the Night bonus at a time.
    • Yoshihiro Akiyama barely squeaked by Alan Belcher.  Chris Leben is going to remove his teeth from his skull.
    • Please, God, let Shane Carwin win.  The UFC belt should at least belong to someone with a double-digit amount of MMA fights on his record.