Friday, September 4, 2009

A Collection of News Haiku

  • Eiler's killer is/found guilty. Say hi to Big/Bubba, James Malec!
  • Matt Hughes signed a new/contract with the UFC./Why? Why the hell not!
  • Joe Lauzon will fight/his own brother if he must./Screw Christmas this year.
  • Sean Sherk is injured/and out against Tibau. He/got hurt doing 'roids.
  • Bellator delayed/until January. Why? Lost/taco sponsorship.
  • Sean Salmon claims he/doesn't proofread what he writes./Dude, you still cheated.
  • James Malec is/going to love jail. Except/the rape part of course.

Chris Tuchscherer's Nuts: "We Demand A Rematch!"

At last weekend's UFC 102 event, Octagon veteran Gabriel Gonzaga and newcomer Chris Tuchscherer clashed in an unaired preliminary bout that had men everywhere cringing. The contest pitted a jiu-jitsu black belt with devastating kicks against a mountain of a wrestler, and when Gonzaga came out with guns blazing he landed a foot square into Tuchscherer's groin, resulting in an understandable delay (for Tuchscherer to vomit into a bucket). After a restart, Tuchscherer quickly lost via TKO. Did the accidental low blow play a role in the rookie's subsequent defeat? Tuchscherer's nuts seem to think so, and yesterday they released the following statement: "We demand a rematch! Never before has an illegal technique had such a role in the outcome of a fight, and when that big Brazilian bastard crushed us, there was no way Chris could have performed to the best of his abilities. How bad was that groin strike? It's almost a week later and Lefty here is still in pain. We - including our owner, Chris - deserve a rematch. It's only fair."

MMA Journalist contacted Gonzaga's foot for a response to this statement, but his foot has yet to reply.