Thursday, September 30, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

Bruce Leroy is back at the TUF House, and he and Jonathan Livingston Lentz are downing shots of Jagermeister and reminiscing about the good old days, days which happened about two hours prior and involved Bruce Leroy getting his ass kicked and pulling a win via triangle choke out of his afro.  "Man, I totally kicked your ass," he says, now sipping Courvoisier from a chalice.  "Really, your ass… Totally kicked by me.  Totally."  Jethro Lentz says nothing, only smokes more cigarettes, so Bruce Leroy continues, alternating from the Courvoisier in the chalice to the ale splashing around in a tankard in his other hand.  "I.  Kicked.  Ass.  Yours.  Wait, did I say that already?"

From the couch, the loveseat, the dining room table and the hammock hanging in the living room, the others shake their heads in disbelief.  Not at Bruce Leroy's words, but at the fact that it's been about a week since they arrived in Las Vegas and Bruce Leroy still hasn't removed the pick from his afro.  He's showered with it in, slept with it in, trained and fought with it in - the idea that it's actually a part of his skull is bandied about.

Training time, and Team Canadian No Speak English brings in Frodo Baggins to show the kids a thing or two about fighting little people.  Apparently, back in Middle Earth, Frodo is some kind of badass wrestler, and coach Georges St. Pierre wants his wards to know what it's like to face a Hobbit.  Hijinks ensue.  Dr. Watson is unable to cope with Frodo's giant hairy feet and tumbles to the mat.  Spuds McKenzie gets blazed smoking Hobbit Leaf and falls asleep curled up in a corner.  Bruce Leroy gets stuck in the doorway of a Hobbit hole, his bottom half jutting out comically from a hillside.

"Eet ees troo-ly ah-musing to see dem get beaten up," says Georges St. Pierre.  I think.

Soon it's time for Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh to get their training on.  Unfortunately, coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh's boys don't seem that into it.  Training is hard work, after all, and by now it's dawned on each and every one of them that unless they score a KO or nail a submission in one of the fights, they're not getting paid one red cent for their efforts.  So after a few rounds of listless drills and staring at the treadmill and heavy bags, Josh Kosh B'Gosh lines them all up against the wall for a pep talk.

"Guys, listen, the key word here is 'mindless'," he says.  "As in, you were mindless to come out here and agree to fight for free."

Then it's time for Team Incomprehensible to choose the match-up for the next fight.  Georges St. Pierre calls Chris Rock on Steroids, and some Brit named "Eye-run Wal-king Some".  I think.  Jesus, who knows.

Back to training, although before Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh enters the gym their coach decides to pull a prank.  A prank so benign it's almost as if we're watching a different reality TV show.  You see, unlike in previous seasons, when it was cool to leave a dead hooker in the backseat of Ken Shamrock's car or wire four sticks of dynamite to the engine block of Rich Franklin's SUV, this time around we get Josh Kosh B'Gosh blocking Georges St. Pierre's with two cars parked too close on either side.  The predicament this causes for the Canadian means… the UFC welterweight champ must now squeeze through a tighter space to get into his car?  Really?  Come on!  It was funny when Forrest Griffin released an adult bison into Quinton Jackson's locker room.  This is too tame!

Now they're training, and we're hit over the head with some foreshadowing.  In the cage, Eye-run Wal-king Some defies all notions of Brit fighters by demonstrating a modicum of wrestling ability.  Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh sees this, then strolls to the porch and lights up a cigarette.  Stars quietly off into the distance.  At the sky.  At the darkening clouds on the horizon.  "There's a storm brewing," he mutters aloud.  Like I said, foreshadowing.

It's almost fight time, and in the locker rooms the fighters prepare for battle.  But Chris Rock on Steroids gets a special visitor: former heavyweight boxing champ and convicted rapist Mike Tyson!  In his oddly effeminate voice, Mike Tyson talks directly into the camera about how tough mixed martial arts are.  Also, about how much he regrets getting that facial tattoo, because he has about a dozen kids now and they all make fun of him for it.

And then Chris Rock on Steroids and Eye-run Wal-king Some are fighting.  As the first fighter picked when teams were chosen, expectations are high that Chris Rock on Steroids is going to out-wrestle and pound the crap out of Eye-run Wal-king Some.  But there's more to the Brit than meets the eye - or less to Chris Rock on Steroids - because he ends up taking Chris Rock on Steroids down and beating on him against the cage.  The bell rings on the first round with everyone convinced that Eye-run Wal-king Some really isn't British.  Because, you know, he can wrestle.

"He definitely lost that round," says Mike Tyson, proving that he could be a better commentator than those clowns who worked with Bas Rutten for the Moosin pay-per-view broadcast.

Coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh is just as surprised as anyone that the Brit can hold his own.  "I feel like motor-boating Georges St. Pierre's ass!" he exclaims, and a gay bar in Provincetown, Massachusetts, erupts with cheers.

The tide turns in Round 2, though, with Chris Rock on Steroids just barely edging ahead of his foe with one more takedown.  A third round is required.  Flush with the rush of battle and the chains of exhaustion, the Team Please Turn on the Subtitles fighter stands in the corner, struggling to catch his breath when he looks over at Mike Tyson.  Mike Tyson stares back, his "You gonna git raped" look clear on his face.  "Twice if you lose," Mike Tyson adds wordlessly.

That's all Chris Rock on Steroids needs in terms of motivation, and he comes out for Round 3 a different man.  With a barrage of punches both on the feet and on the ground, he turns Eye-run Wal-king Some into a quivering mass of human flesh.  Then he chokes him out.

Chalk up another win for Team Matilda the Moose, and back in the locker room, Josh Kosh B'Gosh is disappointed.  Not so much because his team suffered another loss.  No.  Mostly because of the whole motor-boating thing.

The end.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bellator 31/WEC 51 Preview Mash-Up

Tomorrow night is a big night for MMA fans, as Bellator 31 and WEC 51 both air almost simultaneously on premium cable television (hooray for DVR!).  Unfortunately, due to a server crash and an IT department full of drunks and stoners, the press releases MMA Journalist usually gets by email are now a jumbled mess of data.  But fear not, for I will attempt to cull through what’s been recovered, sifting out the spam (Mark Hominick will help me last longer in bed?  Really?) and other nonsense to give you a preview of the bouts from both events.  So here goes…

  • Jose Aldo vs. Zoila Frausto – He’s a deadly Muay Thai specialist with a history of destroying his opponents, but WEC featherweight champ Jose Aldo may have met his match in Zoila Frausto.  First of all, Frausto is a dangerous striker as well.  Second, Frausto’s natural weight is much greater than what Aldo walks around at, so she should have a definite size advantage.
  • Yoshiyuki Yoshida vs. Mr. Abidi Kawanee, Prince of Nigeria – A five-time veteran of the UFC and product of Shooto and Cage Force, Yoshiyuki Yoshida is tough as nails and skilled as the day is long.  He should have little trouble with Mr. Abidi Kawanee, who, although a prince in Nigeria, is having financial troubles and needs someone to deposit his $50,000 USD check into their bank account (you can keep $10,000 of it).
  • Megumi Fuji vs. Manny Gamburyan – Megumi Fuji is considered one of the best female fighters in the world, as evidenced by her unblemished 21-0 record.  Manny Gamburyan is a dude.  Seriously, these two should not be fighting each other at all.  I think this is one of those Title IX things where WEC matchmaker Sean Shelby is being forced to give women the same opportunities as men or something.
  • Chan Sung Jung vs. Earn Your Degree Online with University of Phoenix – Chan Sung Jung, a.k.a. “the Korean Zombie”, put on one hell of a performance against Leonard Garcia in his WEC debut.  If he can push the pace like he did last time, he should have no problem with University of Phoenix, which offers a variety of associates degrees in such fields as TV/VCR repair, Baking and Criminal Justice.
  • Jamie Varner vs. Donald Cerrone – Ugh, again?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Brick City Fighting Championship to Feature Brazilians... And More Brazilians

This Saturday will see the debut of the Brick City Fighting Championship - the newest entry in the New Jersey pro MMA circuit - and the promotion has put together a card of Brazilians, Brazilians and more Brazilians. As Newark has a densely-populated Brazilian community, this is a recipe for fun of the "Oh my God, this audience is about to riot variety" (similar to how that one-off "Return of Macaco" event was last year, but with probably less acai berries hurled into the cage). Prior blog posts hyped Team Renzo rep Carlos Cline's impending battle with UCL vet and Wing Chun warrior Shawn Obasi; unfortunately, that bout is off. Instead, we get Igor and Gregor Gracie, Gold Team Fighters brothers in arms Mariusz and Maciej Linke, plus BJJ black belts Daisuke Yamaji, Rob Guarino and Claydson Passos. Add to that list scrappers Don Wagner, Jose Rodriguez and Josh Key, and you have the makings of either an awesome night of fights, or an awesome night of fights. The venue is Essex County College, and you can expect some liveblogging action by MMA Journalist.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Observations from My Couch: UFC 119 "Ultimate Waste"

  • What a craptastic event.  Four out of five decisions on the pay-per-view?  And a few of them were bad decisions?  Who do I talk to about getting my money back?
  • Melvin Guillard literally moved two to three times faster than Jeremy Stephens.  It was like watching a cartoon.
  • I hate to say it, but Matt Mitrione is steadily improving and proving himself to be a force.  Please, someone defeat him soon.
  • Pat Audinwood is better than that.  I blame first-time Octagon jitters.
  • CB Dollaway still gets to keep his fighter job.  And with that Submission of the Night bonus, he doesn’t need to work all those extra shifts down at the Wal-Mart for at least a month.
  • Mark Hunt getting subbed liked that gave me a sad.
  • Sean Sherk is surprisingly still relevant.  However, no way did he win that bout.  Evan Dunham kicked his ass.
  • I’m so glad Matt Serra spent all those years becoming one of the most exciting jiu-jitsu guys around.
  • Antonio Rogerio Nogueira: same great taste as his bro with only half the calories.  And half the ability, too.
  • Watching Frank Mir vs. Mirko CroCop was about as exciting as watching Ken Shamrock vs. Dan Severn II, KO at the end notwithstanding.

ROC 31 Postscript

Strong show.  Villi Bello looked to be highly-skilled and deadly.  Unfortunately, he was fighting a Terminator in Dave Church, and Bello simply did not have the gas tank to continue smashing Church like he did in the first round.  And Church… Jesus, that was the best version of him we've ever seen.  He took a helluva beating and just kept getting back up and swinging.  Joe Aviles and Mike Medrano looked like they were having a thoughtful fencing match in the first round of their bout, with slashing and lunging and parrying galore.  Then Round 2 begins and Aviles changes the game and blasts Medrano in the face with a shotgun.  It was that sudden.  And major props to Louis Gaudinot.  The most compelling champs aren't the ones that dominate from beginning to end.  The compelling ones are those who see a window of opportunity open for a brief moment and jump through it with everything they've got.  In other words, that flying guillotine was sweet!

Saturday, September 25, 2010


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Friday, September 24, 2010


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Liveblog: ROC 31 Part 6

Title fight time, and it's MMA Institute's Jessie Riggleman vs. TSMMA's Louis Gaudinot (yes, he of the green hair) for the flyweight crown. True to form, Riggleman takes Gaudinot down and is on him like glue, dropping bombs wherever possible and doing his best to keep the TSMMA rep off his feet. But all it takes is one opening, and when Riggleman leaves his neck exposed Gaudinot jumps into a tight guillotine. Riggleman taps seconds later at 4:43 of Round 1, and Gaudinot is the new ROC flyweight champ. The vacant lightweight belt is on the line next, and Gold Team's Luiz Azeredo and K Dojo's Mikhaeil Malyutin are scrapping for it. Round 1 is an exercise on Azeredo's kickboxing superiority - until he slips on a banana peel (or something) and winds up on his back for a bit. Emboldened by this, Malyutin out-strikes Azerdo in the second round, and his insistence on scoring more frequently with his kicks and punches has Azeredo trying his luck on the ground. Malyutin more or less escapes it all, and takes the unanimous decision. Last bout and it's TSMMA's Uriah Hall against Serra/Longo Chris Weidman for the ROC middleweight title. This one is a shocker, as Weidman actually stalks the deadly Hall on the feet, and stuns the TSMMA rep with a punch that sends Hall to the canvas. Weidman keeps up with the fury, and ref Big Dan steps in at 3:06 of Round 1 for the TKO stoppage. And I'm out.


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Liveblog: ROC 31 Part 5

Two veterans take to the cage in the form of Doug Gordon of Team Rush and Rich Ashkar of Jersey Shore BJJ in a rematch of a bout they fought about 13 years ago. Ashkar won the last one with superior wrestling, and though Gordon avoids the takedown for about 2/3 of the first round, it soon becomes apparent Ashkar still has that edge. However, Gordon is still the superior boxer, and he bloodies Ashkar when they stand and engage in a shootout. The Jersey Shore BJJ fighter keeps up with the takedows, and when the bell sounds on the second round he's got a triangle cinched. They're both exhausted by Round 3, and though they both have their moments with reversals and sub attempts, when time runs out Ashkar takes the unanimous decision. Joe Aviles of Jungle Gym and AMA's Mike Medrano are up next. The vast majority of Round 1 is spent with these two picking their punches on the feet, with the only real scoring done by Medrano when he gets Aviles down and lands some leather. Round 2 looks to be more of the same - until Aviles leaps into the air and lands a flying knee. Medrano is out cold, and the time of the KO is :52.


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Liveblog: ROC 31 Part 4

It's time for Pellegrino MMA's George Sullivan and TaiKai's James Frier. Sullivan has always been a killer with his kicks and knees, and this bout just illustrates that, as he dodges Frier's attempts to make this into a ground war and instead knees the stuffing out of Frier. Literally. There's cotton and stuff everywhere, and the doctors have to gather it up and put it back into Frier's body. The official time of the TKO is 2:24 of Round 1. Next: Jacob Kirwan of Team Kirwan vs. Marcos Pereira of Premier Martial Arts (ie. Vitor "Shaolin" Ribeiro's NYC school). As expected, Round 1 plays out like a jiu-jitsu clinic, with the Brazilian taking Kirwan down and working him over from top position for the duration. Kirwan gets a few good licks in for Round 2, though, keeping the ghost of Helio Gracie at bay with an effective guard and more confident striking. If Kirwan knew how to finish an arm-in guillotine he could very well have ended Round 3 early on. But he didn't, and once again the jiu-jitsu takes over. Pereira takes the unanimous decision.


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Liveblog: ROC 31 Part 3

Tom Velasquez of Team Endgame and Tom DeBlass of Ricardo Almeida's School for Gifted Youngsters square off to do battle. Sporting smoother takedowns and a jiu-jitsu master's top game, DeBlass owns Round 1 on the scorecards. But no judges are needed for Round 2, thanks to Velasquez wading in swinging fists and DeBlass catching him with some accurate counter-punching. Velasquez goes down, and the ensuing barrage has ref Big Dan stopping it at fifty seconds in. Carmine Zocchi-trained Villi Bello is up next and he's taking on Pellegrino MMA's Dave Church. Round 1 is an all-out war, and Bello's dynamic striking has Church going down hard twice in the early minutes. But Church is made of stone, because he pops right back up and keeps swinging, and though he loses the round for sure, he's still in it. Don't believe me? Then consider Round 2, when Church gets Bello down and just pounds on him. It goes to a third round, and once Church gets Bello down it's all about the Pellegrino MMA rep beating on him and sinking the rear naked choke at 2:34 of the round. Bello looked great, and this is the best Dave Church we've ever seen. RABJJ's Haz Ibrahim and Black and Blue's Steve Edwards are up to round out the prelims. As usual Ibrahim comes out like a raging bull and slams Edwards to the canvas. But Edwards weathers the storm from above, and after a failed takedown attempt by Ibrahim, Edwards works his way onto his opponent's back and sinks the rear naked choke. The tap out comes at 2:31 of Round 1. That's a good win for Edwards, as Ibrahim is a quality opponent.


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Liveblog: ROC 31 Part 2

First bout of the evening and it's Chris Wing of Wing's MMA and Yusef Yoldas of Eagle Martial Arts. Wing had an impressive pro debut at the last ROC, so we'll see if he can build on that momentum. And... Wing scores another KO, this time with a left hand that drops Yoldas like a sack of potatoes. Very nicely done. Next is Evan Chmielski of Miletich Fighting Systems against Team Serra/Longo's Ryan Castillo. The story of Round 1 is Castillo threatening with a standing guillotine and utilizing a leglock attempt to gain top position, and Chmielski scoring with some ground and pound. Round 2 plays out in similar fashion, only this time Castillo threatens from the bottom with triangles. As each fighter has won a round, a third round is needed (ROC prelims are two rounds unless it's a draw), and the Serra/Longo rep makes the most of it by scoring more on the feet and cranking an arm-in guillotine at the bell. The split decision goes to Chmielski though, no doubt based on his ability to take Castillo at will. Light-heavyweights Scott Fairlamb of AMA and Mike Andrillo of Bellmore Kickboxing enter the cage, and Andrillo looks like he fought Conan the Barbarian when Conan was first starting out. The opening frame is all about Andrillo working hard to get it to the ground to drop some fistic loving and Fairlamb opening up a cut above his eye with, I don't know, something. Maybe raw meaness. Things go much better for Andrillo in the second round, as he gets Fairlamb down, snakes his arms around the AMA rep's neck, and sinks a bout-ending guillotine. The official time of the tap out is 1:33.

Liveblog: ROC 31 Part 1

MMA Journalist is cageside for ROC 31 at the Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City, bringing the latest in broken bones and blood splatter patterns as dictated by some of the Northeast's best fighters. There are 13 bouts scheduled, and three belts on the line, so hold on to your Kangol caps 'cause we're going see some action.


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September 2010 Women's Independent World MMA Rankings

The September 2010 Women's Independent World MMA Rankings have been released. These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites, as well as

The members of the voting panel for the Women's Independent World MMA Rankings are, in alphabetical order: Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter and MMA Journalist Blog); Yael Grauer (MMA HQ); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); and Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion).

Note: Jamie Seaton is temporarily ineligible to be ranked, due to
the fact that she has not fought in over 12 full months.

September 2010 Women's Independent World MMA Rankings
Ballots collected on September 21, 2010

Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos (10-1)
2. Marloes Coenen (17-4)
3. Yuko "Hiroko" Yamanaka (10-1-1)
4. Cindy Dandois (4-0)
5. Shana Olsen (4-0)
6. Amanda Nunes (5-1)
7. Hitomi Akano (16-8)
8. Ediane Gomes (5-1)
9. Yoko Takahashi (14-11-3)
10. Kaitlin Young (4-4)

Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Sarah Kaufman (12-0)
2. Roxanne Modafferi (15-6)
3. Tara LaRosa (18-2)
4. Miesha Tate (11-2)
5. Hitomi Akano (16-8)
6. Shayna Baszler (12-6)
7. Takayo Hashi (12-2)
8. Jennifer Tate (6-1)
9. Julie Kedzie (14-8)
10. Vanessa Porto (10-4)

Flyweight Rankings (116 to 125 lbs.)
1. Tara LaRosa (18-2)
2. Rosi Sexton (10-2)
3. Aisling Daly (9-1)
4. Zoila Frausto (8-1)
5. Rin Nakai (7-0)
6. Sally Krumdiack (8-3)
7. Megumi Fujii (21-0)
8. Jeri Sitzes (3-1)
9. Monica Lovato (5-2)
10. Carina Damm (15-4)

Junior Flyweight Rankings (106 to 115 lbs.)
1. Megumi Fujii (21-0)
2. Lisa Ward (14-5)
3. Yuka Tsuji (22-2)
4. Mei "V Hajime" Yamaguchi (6-2)
5. Jessica Aguilar (9-3)
6. Zoila Frausto (8-1)
7. Kyoko Takabayashi (11-4)
8. Jessica Pene (7-1)
9. Angela Magana (8-4)
10. Emi Fujino (8-4)

The Women's Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated and published on a monthly basis, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.

The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.

The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win hypothetical match-ups.

Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.

Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.

Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that she is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until her first fight in the new weight class has taken place.

Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.

Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Joshua Stein and Yael Grauer for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 2

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

This week on Ultimate Alcoholics Kept in a House: coach Georges St. Pierre speaks and we understand maybe every third or fourth word, Jebediah Lentz is the kind of guy your parents told you to avoid, Josh Kosh B'Gosh is tricked into buying a beat-up Volkswagen Bug, we meet the coaches' assistants, and Bruce Leroy walks around with a pick in his afro - even while fighting!

The episode begins with the TUFers spying the TUF House for the first time.  Only it's not the same old TUF House we know and love (something about the walls of the hold house having to be torn down to remove pieces of Mikey Burnett's skull).  No, it's a TUF Mansion!  And the features include: a stocked bar in the kitchen, a gigantic backyard with an immaculate lawn, a stocked bar in the living room, a spacious den, a stocked bar in the den, a heart-shaped bathtub built for two, a stocked bar in the bathroom, a solarium, a stocked bar in the solarium, an observatory, a stocked bar in the observatory, and a stocked bar in the stocked bar.  Of course the kids are thrilled, and Jeremiah Lentz and Bruce Leroy immediately start downing shots.  Because that's what you do in the TUF Mansion (as per a clause in the contract everyone signs to take part in the show, right there under the non-disclosure agreement). 

Anyway, personalities emerge.  Bruce Leroy, adjusting and readjusting the pick in his hair, plays a harmonica and then talks of wrestling alligators and impregnating deer.  Jimenez Lentz, meanwhile, lights up a cigarette, and after burning through half a pack and a bottle of Jack Daniels, offers to give tattoos using a rusty safety pin and an old Bic pen he found.  "They see me smokin'," says the Jersey Shore bad boy.  "They hatin'.  They hatin'."

Back at the training center and there's some strategizing going on.  You see, it's time to pick teams, and if you win the coin toss you get to either pick the first fighter or pick the first match-up or pick your nose or pick the scabs off of your elbows, which you mysteriously ended up with after waking up next to that transvestite prostitute you think you met in the parking lot outside the Spearmint Rhino.  Using English that can best be described by the phrase "Jesus, turn on the closed captioning!  Quick!", Georges St. Pierre describes an elaborate plan where he and his assistant coaches enter the dreams of coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh and implant an idea into his mind - an "inception", if you will - that he wants to choose Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch first. 

"It can't be done," says Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who starred in the TV show "Third Rock From the Sun".

"It can," says Leonardo DiCaprio.

So Georges St. Pierre enters Josh Kosh B'Gosh's dreams with head trainer Greg Jackson Five and jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement of New Zealand in tow.  Within they encounter traffic, a runaway locomotive, men with guns, skiing, Chris Leben asleep on a lawn, and a giant Brazilian fist (attached to normal-sized Paulo Thiago).  They return moments later, although the mission seemed to have taken four months due to the slower rate dreams play out in someone's head.

"I tink eet work-ed," says Georges St. Pierre.  And sure enough, after winning the coin toss Josh Kosh B'Gosh chooses a battered Volkswagen Bug as the first fighter on his team.

"Close enough," says Dana White to the camera.

So teams are chosen, with some of the kids preferring to be on Georges St. Pierre's team because they like not being able to understand it when someone talks.  Then it's training time, and Team St. Pierre sits in a circle, holds hands and sings "Kumbaya".  Midway through the tune, jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement breaks into an impromptu song and dance number of his own.  Something about "too many dicks on the dance floor".

Cut to Team Kosh B'Gosh and their training session.  They're running, drilling, kicking, punching, wrestling, flipping tires, painting fences, waxing on, waxing off, chopping wood and pedaling a ten-person bicycle up and down the Las Vegas Strip.  "Mindless training!" Josh Kosh B'Gosh shouts.  "Mindless!"

Then, just like that, it's time to pick the first match-up.  At the behest of Bruce Leroy, Georges St. Pierre announces that it will be the Last Dragon versus Jolly 'Ole Lentz.

We're at the house now and the tension is so thick you could cut it with… nothing, because there's no tension.  There's just Bruce Leroy catching flies with chopsticks and Jan Michael Lentz smoking cigarettes and stealing radios from cars parked in nearby driveways (he stacks his loot in a pile in the backyard).  It's a dichotomy, a contrast in approaches, two men with one violent purpose and one goal but diametrically opposed methods of reaching that goal, Bruce Leroy with his tea and meditation under the porch and Jesse James Lentz smoking and cooking up crystal meth in the downstairs bathroom.  Who will win when they clash?  Who will emerge the victor?  The caricature of the '70s martial artist or the kid from New Jersey who very clearly broke out of a juvenile detention center to get here?  It's the ageless question, and soon it's answered.

Bruce Leroy enters the Octagon first, grinning, flicking out flashy kicks, a formal black kung fu uniform hanging crisply on his lightweight frame.  Jorge Rodriguez Lentz follows, riding in on a deafening Harley-Davidson motorcycle, an unsavory blonde sporting a black eye and a snarl on the handlebars.  Once in the cage, the referee signals them to fight.

Round 1 sees Juanito Lentz wade in past Bruce Leroy's strikes and push his foe against the fence, doing well in out-wrestling Bruce Leroy and scoring with a gigantic exclamation point of a hip toss at the bell.  In between rounds the coaches work feverishly to rejuvenate their wards, jiu-jitsu master Jemaine Clement serenading Bruce Leroy with a song about his "sugar lumps", Josh Kosh B'Gosh whispering the words "mindless, mindless, mindless," into Juarez Lentz's ear.

Then it's Round 2, and the two fighters engage, Jiminy Cricket Lentz failing a throw and winding up on the ground with Bruce Leroy on his back, and deftly turning into top position.  But Bruce Leroy has that quality, that spiritual martial energy some call "The Glow", and he harnesses it to summon a triangle choke.  Jed Lentz attempts to slam his way out of it; instead, he taps.

Bruce Leroy is the winner.  And we're treated to another funky '70s dance routine.

Fade to black.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010


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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ROC 31: An Epic of Epic Epicness

Friday marks the return of Ring of Combat to the hallowed halls of the Tropicana in Atlantic City, and with this, the 31st installment of this most holy of fight promotions, comes the promise of epic fights.  And by epic, I mean epic multiplied by flux capacitor divided by a solar flare.  The cast of characters includes:

    • Uriah Hall – A TSMMA middleweight and star prospect, Hall’s only had a few MMA bouts yet has already established himself as one of the most dangerous strikers in the Northeast.  Watching him fight is like watching a firing squad wait for a condemned man to finish his last cigarette.
    • Chris Weidman – Some kind of wrestling god before he turned to MMA, Weidman is the antithesis of Hall in that he’s a beast on the ground.  So of course the two are facing each other.  But just how good is Weidman?  Well, despite limited training in submission grappling, he earned a spot in the last Abu Dhabi tournament, and those he beat still send him their lunch money – via Western Union!
    • Louis Gaudinot – There’s a flyweight belt up for grabs, and Gaudinot, the TSMMA kid with the green hair and the deadly spinning backfist, is facing top Mid-Atlantic grappler Jesse Riggleman for the prize.  The only time Gaudinot loses is when his opponents hold him down (literally, no ground and pound or sub attempts, they just hold him down).  But with the Team Tiger Schulmann fight team currently in high-gear thanks to a union with Pellegrino MMA and teammates Hall, Lyman Good and Nick Pace (and until last weekend, Jimmie Rivera) all in preparation for the toughest fights of their careers, you can bet Gaudinot is going to be razor sharp.
    • Rich Ashkar – Ashkar got dropped by slugger Mike Medrano back in 2008, but that’s the only blemish on an otherwise very impressive record.  In his last bout (a year and a half ago) Ashkar out-wrestled top-ranked Tom Gallicchio to pound out the win.  An impressive performance against the veteran Doug Gordon would label Ashkar as a “bad mamma-jamma”.
    • Chris Wing – He transitioned from stud amateur to rising pro star at ROC 30, so at ROC 31 fans will get one more data point on the Chris Wing timeline to see if he’s the real deal.  Training partner Chris Liguori summed it up nicely: “When I have nightmares, it’s about swarms of killer bees or Chris Wing.  And when they’re both in my nightmare, the killer bees are coming out of Chris Wing’s mouth.”

Monday, September 20, 2010

"There Are No Heroes Left In The World"

"Give it up, son. There are no heroes left in the world." - General Peter McAllister, commander of Shadow Company, re: Chael Sonnen pissing hot for his epic UFC 117 performance.

M-1 Global Postscript

Very solid show. Tom Gallicchio had the toughest route to the finals and had a well-deserved easy fight against Len Bentley, who just didn't have the tools or experience to deal with what "Da Tank" brings to the party. George Sheppard looked great and was winning. It's a shame the deciding factor was two nutshots. Tyson Jeffries is a beast. And the Kodak moment of the night goes to Jose Rodriguez, who was about a foot and a half away from me as he was cranking that arm-in guillotine. As the seconds started ticking by and Mike Winters came close to but somehow did not end up tapping, Rodriguez looked me square in the face and mouthed an exasperated "motherfucker". Yep, that was awesome.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


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Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed