Because There's A Fistfight Going On Somewhere In New York Right Now, And You Should Know About It
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Unwitting Chris Horodecki to Face Lester Caslow at ROC 26
IFL veteran and world-famous rope-grabber Chris Horodecki has unwittingly agreed to face badass teen idol Lester Caslow at Ring of Combat 26, with the "Polish Hammer" apparently unaware that ROC fights take place in a cage and that there will be no ropes to grab. A striker with zero takedown defense other than clinging to ropes, cornermen or a referee's pants leg for dear life, Horodecki is certainly in for an unpleasant surprise. Not only is the Kurt Pellegrino-trained Caslow a capable fighter both on the feet and on the ground, and smart enough to exploit Horodecki's grappling weakness, but gravity and a lack of ropes make a trip to the canvas a sure thing. For the Xtreme Couture representative, a submission or TKO loss seems inevitable.
ROC 26 is slated for September 11th at the Tropicana Casino & Resort in Atlantic City, and will also feature the returns of Deividas Taurosevicius and Chris Liguori.
ROC 26 is slated for September 11th at the Tropicana Casino & Resort in Atlantic City, and will also feature the returns of Deividas Taurosevicius and Chris Liguori.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Liveblog: Brooklyn Underground Show Part 6
An MMA stylist named Santiago and a freestyle fighter nicknamed "Romeo" are up. Wowsers. Okay, this one is even quicker, as Santiago nails Romeo with a low kick than nails him with a high kick that knocks him out and sends him right through the ropes. Romeo falls limp onto the concrete. Curiously, after he's revived, the ring announcer asks him how he feels. "I feel good," Romeo answers matter-of-factly. Final bout: a tae kwon do fighter named Quzandor against a freestyle fighter nicknamed "Flash Master". Strong kicks punctuated by a Quzandor suplex - that's the first round, while in the second it's back and forth and pretty even. Unfortunately, Quzandor at this point has written a check his body can't cash, and he just straight up collapses in Round 3. Flash Master is the winner, and it takes a few minutes and a lot of ice on his neck for Quzandor to recover. And that's it. Solid event as underground shows go.
Liveblog: Brooklyn Underground Show Part 5
After a lengthy intermission where plates of chicken, rice and plaintains are dished out, the fights resume. Someone nicknamed "The Asian Submission Machine" and claims grappling as his style enters the ring to face a Shotokan Karate rep called "Superman". Hmmm, give me second. A good Kryptonite joke will come to me... Something pertaining to grappling and karate... Nah, I got nothing. Anyway, Superman TKOs the grappler in the first with far superior striking on the feet. Time now for big boys, as a 250-pound Muay Thai rep named Dale squares off against 240-pound wrestler called "The Savage". How savage is he? The dude is wearing a lioncloth. That's savage. But apparel notwithstanding, Dale comes out and needs about six seconds to land a picture-perfect high-kick to the head. The Savage is out cold, facedown on the canvas.
Liveblog: Brooklyn Underground Show Part 4
Next up is Tony "the Tiger", a tae kwon do rep, against Torin, a Goju Karate dude. Apparently the Tiger hails from Michigan, where they teach a lot of jumping and spinning back-kicks with their MMA - techniques he uses to prove that white men can indeed jump. He batters Torin for the second-round ref stoppage. Frosted Flakes for everyone! The next pair of fighters take to the ring, with a self-proclamed MMA stylist named "Lockman" taking on a tae kwon do dude name Jarrett. No, not the Subway guy. That's Jared. Anyhoo, Jarrett immediately puts Lockman on his butt with a pushkick, and when they get back to their feet it's a UFC 1-style mix of kicks and telegraphed punches coming a mile away. They really lay into each other, though, and in Round 3 Lockman catches Jarrett's kick and feeds him a right hand for the KO. The crowd goes wild.
Liveblog: Brooklyn Underground Show Part 3
The fights haven't yet started, but there's some fighter doing katas to warm up. Excellent. I ask the judges what their backgrounds are; one is a black belt in karate, the other a black belt in kung fu. Okay, it's about to start. But first, that guy who was practicing katas is now doing them for us in the ring with a pair of those bladed thingies that feudal Japanese farmers used to cut wheat. The opening bout: a kung fu stylist nicknamed "Blackie Chan" vs. a jiu-jitsu guy named "Chaos". Uh oh. The ring announcer asked if we're ready to rumble. He's going to get sued. The fight begins with Chaos slightly more aggressive. However, the fact that they're wearing headgear - and that they have to pause to replace it whenever it falls off - enables Blackie Chan to recover and out-scramble his foe to earn the decision.
Liveblog: Brooklyn Underground Show Part 2
This is actually their second MAM event, but the first one was a smaller trial-run thing back in March. This one is larger scale, and includes free food consisting of roast chicken, rice and beans. They've won me over already. It's shaping up to be about a hundred spectators, which will pretty much fill the venue. And the judges are actually in suits and ties. Wow.
Liveblog: Brooklyn Underground Show Part 1
MMA Journalist is ringside for Martial Arts Madness, an underground MMA show at a boxing gym in East New York - one of the worst neighborhoods in Brooklyn. How bad is the neighborhood? I was mugged three times walking here from the subway (although the second set of muggers actually gave me stuff so the third group would have something to steal). Anyway, the promoter stressed that these are just exhibition bouts, and in addition to the seven-bout card, there's some sort of photo shoot going on with bikini-clad chicks.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Weekend Schedule
Not a lot going on in the world of MMA this weekend, although there is that underground show in Brooklyn. Now, if the show does go off, and if the promoter is cool with it, and if I don't get killed in what is one of the absolute worst neighborhoods in New York City, then MMA Journalist will liveblog the event. However, keep in mind that this is not an established promotion, so it's a roll of the dice as to what may happen. Stay tuned tomorrow afternoon.
Vitor Belfort's Worm Excited at Prospect of Returning to UFC
When rumors circulated last week of Vitor Belfort's possible return to the UFC to face middleweight champ Anderson Silva, fans voiced their excitement over the chance of seeing the prodigal son with the crowd-pleasing flurry in the Octagon once more. But none are more excited than Belfort's worm, which has resided in his intestines since his 1997 loss to Randy Couture and has provided the Brazilian with excuses for nearly every MMA loss. "Oh yeah, it's going to be great," said the worm, who sapped Belfort of his energy against Couture and managed to fracture Belfort's hand against Kazushi Sakuraba. "The UFC is without question the premiere organization out there and they treat us right. It's like coming home." As Belfort is still under contract with Affliction, it's unclear if Dana White has actually made an offer or if it's all just speculation. But one thing is sure: Belfort and his worm will be ready to fight, lose and make excuses when the time comes.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Underground Amateur MMA Show in Brooklyn This Weekend
Hot on the heels of Albany's failure to legalize MMA comes another underground show, this one an amateur event out in Brooklyn. There are seven bouts on the card, with style vs. style match-ups pitting representatives from Tae Kwon Do, wrestling, Muay Thai, kung fu, Shotokan Karate and Goju Karate against each other in what promises to be an orgy of blood, violence and cheap 25-cent punch-flavored drinks you find in only the city's dingiest bodegas.
New York Officially Screws Pooch
Thanks to legislative shenanigans over some sort of party power struggle, the concurrent Senate and Assembly bills to legalize pro MMA in New York State have been kicked to the curb for now - casualties in a conflagration completely outside the realm of the foreseeable for those who pushed to have the sport return to the Empire State. "I'm hearing all kinds of things but the thoughts are that it's unlikely to happen at this time and will have to wait until either September or, sadly, 2010," said New York State Athletic Commission Chairwoman Melvina Lathan. "Wewerethisclose [sic]," she added. "I'm not giving up." Neither are we, Commissioner. Neither are we.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
ROC 26 Looking Killer
The preliminary card for Ring of Combat 26 on September 11th is looking pretty killer. Dante Rivera is returning to face human highlight-reel Sean Salmon, while Team Serra/Longo up-and-comers Nabih Barakat and Costa Phillippou are facing old-school vet "Crazy" Chris Schlesinger and Victor O'Donnell - both of which are guaranteed to be frenetic, fast-paced bouts. Meanwhile, ROC heavyweight champ Bret Kohan is going to take on 205-pound champ Ricardo Romero at 210 pounds, and Chris Liguori will test lightweight champ Charles Oliveira da Silva. Yes, it's months away, but so far, so good.
Monday, June 22, 2009
How to Harass MMA Legends 101
Pat Miletich is without question a legend in the sport. Sadly, even legends aren't immune from vindictive dingbats with Internet access. Credit goes to "Sambo Steve" Koepfer for the link and the legwork - http://www.bullshido.org/David_Kujawski_Investigation .
What We've Learned From Bellator FC Season 1
The first season of the Bellator Fighting Championships is one for the books and champs in four weight classes have been crowned. So what have we learned over the course of a dozen shows? (More bullet points! Yay!)
- Toby Imada may not be the best fighter at 155, but the dude is dangerous if you let your guard down.
- Nothing says "viral buzz" like a YouTube clip. Bravo to the Bellator exec who greenlighted putting highlights on the Internet.
- Jared Hess sure can bleed.
- Hector Lombard is a monster. But we knew that, just like we knew Eddie Alvarez and Lyman Good were monsters.
- Joe Soto is one tough featherweight bastard, and he's shown just how beatable Wilson Reis is. Reis barely squeaked by Roberto Vargas, who took a page from Soto's book by out-scrambling the master scrambler.
- If there's a bantamweight tournament in the cards, it has to include Nick Pace.
- There aren't a lot of A-level or even upper B-level Latino fighters. There are, however, a lot of up-and-comers. Give them time and Omar De La Cruz, Hector Urbina, Estavan Payan and Yahir Reyes will be killers.
- Smooth production, professional packaging and decent fights means season two will definitely be worth watching.
Observations From My Couch: TUF 9 Finale
- Based on Joe Rogan's commentary during the Joe Stevenson/Nate Diaz fight, I think I'm going to count that bout as a win for Nick Diaz.
- Ross Pearson and Andre Winner had the kind of battle fans only dream of. Literally. They dream of that kind of fight because they've fallen asleep with the TV on.
- Why does Kevin Burns hate Chris Lytle's nuts so much? Is there history there?
- Did DeMarques Johnson not train for the TUF 9 finale? Did he forget he had one more bout to go to be crowned "The Ultimate Fighter"?
- I don't know what was crazier - the fact that Diego Sanchez beat the hell out of Clay Guida, or the fact that Guida just kept coming and coming. Solid fight.
Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce Challengers "Santos vs. Villasenor"
- Luke Rockhold vs. Corey Devela had all the makings of a grappling suckfest. Thank God for Rockhold's right hand.
- What the hell happened to Shayna Baszler? She used to be a submission badass. Now she just stands around and gets punched in the face.
- Leaving the UFC was the best thing Jorge Gurgel ever did. "Wahoo!" to the king of slugfests!
- Given Tim Kennedy's months spent in Afghanistan calling in air strikes and going on patrols, maybe Nick Thompson sporting a Taliban beard wasn't such a good idea.
- Good effort by Evangelista "Cyborg" Santos against Joey Villasenor, but I have no doubt his wife Cristiane would've won that fight.
Friday, June 19, 2009
TUF 9 Finale to Feature... Er, Um... Someone
The finale for the ninth season of "The Ultimate Fighter" is Saturday night on SpikeTV, and the Diego Sanchez/Clay Guida-headlined event will see two lightweights and two welterweights compete for the eponymous title and some sort of faux-lucrative contract. So, um, who exactly is fighting? In case you watched all 12 episodes of TUF 9 and still don't know (which is likely), MMA Journalist has put all the pertinent facts in one place. Your latest batch of potential Ultimate Fighters are:
- Ross Pearson - A lightweight Brit with the kind of accent reserved for London vagrants and chimney sweeps, Pearson is a wrestling anomaly capable of taking opponents down and pounding on them but incapable of holding in a mouthpiece. Don't ask.
- Andre Winner - Sorry, no clue. I think he's a Brit who hates chicken curry and likes flour, though.
- DeMarques Johnson - The cream of this season's American crop, which is like saying one toothless Atlantic City hooker is better than another. I think he can strike well, but not well enough that any other 170 pounders currently on the UFC's roster have to worry.
- James Wilks - This Brit made it into the finale by beating the same dude twice. And it was a closer fight the second time around. Really, that says it all there.
June 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings
June 19, 2009: We are proud to announce the launch of the Independent World MMA Rankings. Some of the best and most knowledgeable MMA writers from across the MMA media landscape have come together to form one independent voting panel.
These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (FightOpinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Houston Chronicle); Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (MMA Payout); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA; Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Jonathan Snowden (Author of "Total MMA: Inside Ultimate Fighting"); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion), Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Total MMA).
These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites. The rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.
The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting. The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.
Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.
Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.
Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions are not eligible to be ranked.
Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.
Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.
June 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings
Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)
1. Fedor Emelianenko (30-1, 1 No Contest)
2. Frank Mir (12-3)
3. Josh Barnett (24-5)
4. Brock Lesnar (3-1)
5. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (31-5-1, 1 No Contest)
6. Randy Couture (16-9)
7. Alistair Overeem (29-11, 1 No Contest)
8. Shane Carwin (11-0)
9. Brett Rogers (10-0)
10. Andrei Arlovski (15-7)
Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)
1. Lyoto Machida (15-0)
2. Rashad Evans (13-1-1)
3. Quinton Jackson (30-7)
4. Forrest Griffin (16-5)
5. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-3)
6. Rich Franklin (25-4, 1 No Contest)
7. Keith Jardine (14-5-1)
8. Dan Henderson (24-7)
9. Renato "Babalu" Sobral (32-8)
10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (17-3)
Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)
1. Anderson Silva (24-4)
2. Yushin Okami 23-4)
3. Nathan Marquardt (28-8-2)
4. Demian Maia (10-0)
5. Dan Henderson (24-7)
6. Jorge Santiago (21-7)
7. Gegard Mousasi (25-2-1)
8. Robbie Lawler (16-5, 1 No Contest)
9. Vitor Belfort (18-8)
10. Thales Leites (14-2)
Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)
1. Georges St. Pierre (18-2)
2. Thiago Alves (16-3)
3. Jon Fitch (18-3, 1 No Contest)
4. Jake Shields (23-4-1)
5. Matt Hughes (43-7)
6. Josh Koscheck (12-4)
7. Martin Kampmann (15-2)
8. Mike Swick (14-2)
9. Carlos Condit (22-5)
10. Paulo Thiago (11-0)
Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)
1. B.J. Penn (13-5-1)
2. Kenny Florian (11-3)
3. Shinya Aoki (20-4, 1 No Contest)
4. Eddie Alvarez (17-2)
5. Joachim Hansen (19-7-1)
6. Tatsuya Kawajiri (24-5-2)
7. Frankie Edgar (10-1)
8. Josh Thomson (16-2)
9. Satoru Kitaoka (25-8-9)
10. Gray Maynard (7-0, 1 No Contest)
Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Mike Brown (22-4)
2. Urijah Faber (22-3)
3. Wagnney Fabiano (12-1)
4. Jose Aldo (15-1)
5. Hatsu Hioki (19-3-2)
6. Leonard Garcia (12-4)
7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (16-3)
8. Norifumi "Kid" Yamamoto (17-2)
9. Dokonjonosuke Mishima (19-6-2)
10. Raphael Assuncao (13-1)
Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Miguel Torres (37-1)
2. Brian Bowles (7-0)
3. Takeya Mizugaki (11-3-2)
4. Masakatsu Ueda (9-0-2)
5. Joseph Benavidez (10-0)
6. Akitoshi Tamura (14-7-2)
7. Will Ribeiro (10-2)
8. Rani Yahya (14-4)
9. Damacio Page (11-4)
10. Manny Tapia (10-2-1)
These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (FightOpinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Houston Chronicle); Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (MMA Payout); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA; Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Jonathan Snowden (Author of "Total MMA: Inside Ultimate Fighting"); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion), Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Total MMA).
These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites. The rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.
The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting. The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.
Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.
Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.
Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions are not eligible to be ranked.
Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.
Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.
June 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings
Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)
1. Fedor Emelianenko (30-1, 1 No Contest)
2. Frank Mir (12-3)
3. Josh Barnett (24-5)
4. Brock Lesnar (3-1)
5. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (31-5-1, 1 No Contest)
6. Randy Couture (16-9)
7. Alistair Overeem (29-11, 1 No Contest)
8. Shane Carwin (11-0)
9. Brett Rogers (10-0)
10. Andrei Arlovski (15-7)
Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)
1. Lyoto Machida (15-0)
2. Rashad Evans (13-1-1)
3. Quinton Jackson (30-7)
4. Forrest Griffin (16-5)
5. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-3)
6. Rich Franklin (25-4, 1 No Contest)
7. Keith Jardine (14-5-1)
8. Dan Henderson (24-7)
9. Renato "Babalu" Sobral (32-8)
10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (17-3)
Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)
1. Anderson Silva (24-4)
2. Yushin Okami 23-4)
3. Nathan Marquardt (28-8-2)
4. Demian Maia (10-0)
5. Dan Henderson (24-7)
6. Jorge Santiago (21-7)
7. Gegard Mousasi (25-2-1)
8. Robbie Lawler (16-5, 1 No Contest)
9. Vitor Belfort (18-8)
10. Thales Leites (14-2)
Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)
1. Georges St. Pierre (18-2)
2. Thiago Alves (16-3)
3. Jon Fitch (18-3, 1 No Contest)
4. Jake Shields (23-4-1)
5. Matt Hughes (43-7)
6. Josh Koscheck (12-4)
7. Martin Kampmann (15-2)
8. Mike Swick (14-2)
9. Carlos Condit (22-5)
10. Paulo Thiago (11-0)
Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)
1. B.J. Penn (13-5-1)
2. Kenny Florian (11-3)
3. Shinya Aoki (20-4, 1 No Contest)
4. Eddie Alvarez (17-2)
5. Joachim Hansen (19-7-1)
6. Tatsuya Kawajiri (24-5-2)
7. Frankie Edgar (10-1)
8. Josh Thomson (16-2)
9. Satoru Kitaoka (25-8-9)
10. Gray Maynard (7-0, 1 No Contest)
Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Mike Brown (22-4)
2. Urijah Faber (22-3)
3. Wagnney Fabiano (12-1)
4. Jose Aldo (15-1)
5. Hatsu Hioki (19-3-2)
6. Leonard Garcia (12-4)
7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (16-3)
8. Norifumi "Kid" Yamamoto (17-2)
9. Dokonjonosuke Mishima (19-6-2)
10. Raphael Assuncao (13-1)
Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Miguel Torres (37-1)
2. Brian Bowles (7-0)
3. Takeya Mizugaki (11-3-2)
4. Masakatsu Ueda (9-0-2)
5. Joseph Benavidez (10-0)
6. Akitoshi Tamura (14-7-2)
7. Will Ribeiro (10-2)
8. Rani Yahya (14-4)
9. Damacio Page (11-4)
10. Manny Tapia (10-2-1)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 12
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
The last episode of season nine and it's all about Frank Loser and his impending rematch with Team UK's James Wilks. Due to some editing miscalculation, all the drama was used up in the previous eleven episodes, so tonight we're treated to the TUF equivalent of a night at the theater in London, where things like eating a bowl of cereal and sitting in a sauna are made to seem as important as the assassination of Julius Caesar or Hamlet talking to a skull.
Enter, stage left: the Queen of England, who strides into the TUF House with an air of authority and the aura of a cartoon character who's been shot with the dart from a tranquilizer gun and now moves in comical slow-motion. The Queen is here to dine with her Team America: World Police subjects, and over finely barbecued ribs and steamed asparagus that's been in Frank Loser's ears, she says to him, "You don't need teeth to beat your opponent." Of course, the words take forever to come out, but you knew that.
Frank's missing teeth. Gone, courtesy of his first go-around with James Wilks. Gone like a TUF contestant's innocence when he unwittingly bites into a jizz-covered piece of fruit. Gone like a homoerotic sexual innuendo, promoted off-screen by a producer cognizant of ad sales and targeted demographics, and uttered by a TUFer for the paltry sum of a SpikeTV baseball cap and a chunk of dignity. Sure, Frank misses his teeth, but they'll run into each other every now and then, maybe at a party or in a crowded restaurant, Frank slurping from a bowl of chicken soup and his teeth sitting at a booth across the dining room, gnawing on a steak. Maybe they'll acknowledge each other, maybe they won't.
At that moment, the British Mr. T is advising James Wilks that Frank is dangerous - perhaps even more so - now that his teeth are gone. "He's probably hungrier now, seeing that he can't chew things," says British Mr. T. "You've got to bring your 'A' game."
Cut to Frank training, sweat beading upon his brow as an orchestra builds to a crescendo of percussion and horn. "I've fought three times in the last month," he says. "I have scurvy and gout, plus I have no teeth."
"You don't need teeth," says the Queen.
Back at the house again, and Frank and James Wilks are becoming fast friends, with the men autographing each other's underwear and sitting around in the sauna cutting weight. But what price their friendship? Could they have been friends if Frank still had his pearly whites?
Then Team UK has dinner. British Mr. T prepares a dish of chicken curry, the scent of which attracts coach Michael Bisping. Somewhere across town Dana White is dining alone, a forlorn look upon his face and muted profanities on his lips, but Michael is with his team. Laughter abounds, and when Andre the Weiner pelts British Mr. T with chicken they scurry outside, frolicking in and around the pool. As Andre the Weiner is a huge fan "Scarface" starring Al Pacino, he face-plants in a mountain of Bolivian Marching Powder. More laughter. Oh those Brits!
And it's fight time. The two remaining warriors make their way to the Octagon, ready to throw down for the right to face the Marquis de Johnson at the TUF finale and maybe be "The Ultimate Fighter" or something. From cageside the Queen starts to chant, repeating "You don't need teeth, you don't need teeth" over and over, while within the confines of the eight-sided crucible of a combat Frank and James Wilks wage war. For two and a half rounds the Brit picks the American apart on the feet, his crisper, sharper strikes taunting Frank's remaining molars with the promise of a better life in the Land of Tea and Crumpets and Benny Hill reruns. Yet, though Frank crumples from the onslaught in Round 3, his molars are intact. It's a moral victory.
So the finals are set. Two Brits who are extraordinarily hard to understand will clash for the TUF 9 lightweight whatever, and the Marquis de Johnson and James Wilks for fight for the welterweight version of "Jesus, I spent six weeks in the TUF House for that? What a waste."
What of the impending match-up between the coaches? No one cares. Not even the Queen of England's declaration that Michael Bisping is a "douchebag" is going to change that.
The end.
The last episode of season nine and it's all about Frank Loser and his impending rematch with Team UK's James Wilks. Due to some editing miscalculation, all the drama was used up in the previous eleven episodes, so tonight we're treated to the TUF equivalent of a night at the theater in London, where things like eating a bowl of cereal and sitting in a sauna are made to seem as important as the assassination of Julius Caesar or Hamlet talking to a skull.
Enter, stage left: the Queen of England, who strides into the TUF House with an air of authority and the aura of a cartoon character who's been shot with the dart from a tranquilizer gun and now moves in comical slow-motion. The Queen is here to dine with her Team America: World Police subjects, and over finely barbecued ribs and steamed asparagus that's been in Frank Loser's ears, she says to him, "You don't need teeth to beat your opponent." Of course, the words take forever to come out, but you knew that.
Frank's missing teeth. Gone, courtesy of his first go-around with James Wilks. Gone like a TUF contestant's innocence when he unwittingly bites into a jizz-covered piece of fruit. Gone like a homoerotic sexual innuendo, promoted off-screen by a producer cognizant of ad sales and targeted demographics, and uttered by a TUFer for the paltry sum of a SpikeTV baseball cap and a chunk of dignity. Sure, Frank misses his teeth, but they'll run into each other every now and then, maybe at a party or in a crowded restaurant, Frank slurping from a bowl of chicken soup and his teeth sitting at a booth across the dining room, gnawing on a steak. Maybe they'll acknowledge each other, maybe they won't.
At that moment, the British Mr. T is advising James Wilks that Frank is dangerous - perhaps even more so - now that his teeth are gone. "He's probably hungrier now, seeing that he can't chew things," says British Mr. T. "You've got to bring your 'A' game."
Cut to Frank training, sweat beading upon his brow as an orchestra builds to a crescendo of percussion and horn. "I've fought three times in the last month," he says. "I have scurvy and gout, plus I have no teeth."
"You don't need teeth," says the Queen.
Back at the house again, and Frank and James Wilks are becoming fast friends, with the men autographing each other's underwear and sitting around in the sauna cutting weight. But what price their friendship? Could they have been friends if Frank still had his pearly whites?
Then Team UK has dinner. British Mr. T prepares a dish of chicken curry, the scent of which attracts coach Michael Bisping. Somewhere across town Dana White is dining alone, a forlorn look upon his face and muted profanities on his lips, but Michael is with his team. Laughter abounds, and when Andre the Weiner pelts British Mr. T with chicken they scurry outside, frolicking in and around the pool. As Andre the Weiner is a huge fan "Scarface" starring Al Pacino, he face-plants in a mountain of Bolivian Marching Powder. More laughter. Oh those Brits!
And it's fight time. The two remaining warriors make their way to the Octagon, ready to throw down for the right to face the Marquis de Johnson at the TUF finale and maybe be "The Ultimate Fighter" or something. From cageside the Queen starts to chant, repeating "You don't need teeth, you don't need teeth" over and over, while within the confines of the eight-sided crucible of a combat Frank and James Wilks wage war. For two and a half rounds the Brit picks the American apart on the feet, his crisper, sharper strikes taunting Frank's remaining molars with the promise of a better life in the Land of Tea and Crumpets and Benny Hill reruns. Yet, though Frank crumples from the onslaught in Round 3, his molars are intact. It's a moral victory.
So the finals are set. Two Brits who are extraordinarily hard to understand will clash for the TUF 9 lightweight whatever, and the Marquis de Johnson and James Wilks for fight for the welterweight version of "Jesus, I spent six weeks in the TUF House for that? What a waste."
What of the impending match-up between the coaches? No one cares. Not even the Queen of England's declaration that Michael Bisping is a "douchebag" is going to change that.
The end.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tiger Schulmann Fighter Declared Ruler of Staten Island
Team Tiger Schulmann bantamweight Nick Pace, whose flying knee KO of Collin Tebo at last weekend's Bellator FC made the rounds on YouTube and countless other Internet highlight reels, has been declared the ruler of Staten Island according to a statement issued by the City of New York. Normally governed by a Borough President who in turn answers to the mayor, Staten Island is the least populated of New York City's Five Boroughs but third largest in square miles. Pace's new role as "Divine and Exhalted Bad Mofo" essentially crowns him as a kind of king with the citizens of Staten Island his serfs and fiefs. "Divine and Exhaled Bad Mofo Nicholas Pace has parlayed a successful kickboxing and amateur MMA record into a very promising pro career," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg in the statement. "He's just the kind of leader Staten Island needs." Currently, Pace is an instructor at TSMMA's Bay Ridge location. It's unclear at this time if his role as Staten Island's ruler will affect his teaching schedule.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Nick Thompson to File Injunction, Writ and Restraining Order Against Tim Kennedy
Nick Thompson is a well-rounded competitor when the cage door shuts, but when he squares off against IFL veteran Tim Kennedy on Friday's Strikeforce Challengers: "Santos vs. Villasenor" event, his edge may come from his background as an attorney. According to documents filed in the King County Superior Court, the man known as "The Goat" has petitioned a judge to issue an injunction against his opponent that would forbid Kennedy from using strikes. In addition, a Writ of Habeas Corpus has been submitted that would prevent Thompson's unlawful detention (i.e., Kennedy cannot grapple with him), and a temporary restraining order has been filed with the Clerk's Office that would prevent Kennedy from coming within thirty feet of Thompson's person. All of this makes for a very difficult fight for Kennedy. "I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a smart mixed martial artist," says Thompson, who, in lieu of a purse, is instead billing Strikeforce for the hours devoted to training and fighting. "I could defeat Mr. Kennedy with my kickboxing or my submissions game, but why risk physical harm when my license to practice law can get the job done?" Strikeforce Challengers: "Santos vs. Villasenor" will air live on Showtime, and also features someone named Santos fighting someone named Villasenor. I think.
So About That Whole New York Thing...
Yeah, so things sorta ground to a halt in the New York State legislature last week with the Senate having some sort of party coup. Normally, to MMA fans this wouldn't mean much more than a slight case of "Who Gives a Crap?", but as the bill legalizing MMA in New York is supposed to be going through the legislative process right now, the shenanigans up in Albany are painfully relevant. According to the Senate calendar, the number of days left to vote on the bill is dwindling. If time were to run out without the bill getting approval by the Senate (and the Assembly)... well, let's just say there'd be a few more underground shows before the year is through but events at Madison Square Garden would be a ways off.
Thankfully, there's still hope. Over the weekend Governor David Paterson announced that, when this whole senatorial mess is resolved, he was going to call for an emergency legislative session (think: summer school) to make up for lost time. In other words, the bill may become law yet.
Thankfully, there's still hope. Over the weekend Governor David Paterson announced that, when this whole senatorial mess is resolved, he was going to call for an emergency legislative session (think: summer school) to make up for lost time. In other words, the bill may become law yet.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tim Sylvia's Dignity: Dead at Age 33
The fight community is in mourning today over the death of former UFC heavyweight champ Tim Sylvia's dignity, which was felled via ten-second knockout at the hands of 48-year-old ex-boxing champ Ray Mercer at Adrenaline III on Saturday night and expired on the canvas soon after. The bout, which was proposed for New Jersey but moved to commission-less Alabama when the NJSACB scoffed at the match-up, drew plenty of ire from fans who viewed it as nothing more than a farce. Nonetheless, Sylvia/Mercer garnered attention, and that attention - coupled with Sylvia showing up at an out-of-shape 310-pounds - conspired to create a situation both dangerous and deadly. "We did the best we could to revive it," said ringside physician Dr. Harlan Clarence. "But ultimately there was nothing we could do. The damage done to Mr. Sylvia's dignity was just too great." Funeral services will be held in Bettendorf, Iowa. In lieu of flowers, Sylvia's camp asks that people send cheeseburgers instead.
Observations From My Couch: Bellator FC Welterweight Finals
- If I were an athletic commissioner I never would've approved Uriah Hall's match-up against Edwin Aguilar, as Hall had one MMA bout to his record compared to Aguilar's 34. I'm glad I'm not an athletic commissioner. Hall kicked some serious butt.
- Nick Pace: great flying knee KO, awful victory dance. You're a killer, man, but seriously, what the hell was that?
- Did Justin Torrey and Matt Makowski have an agreement to look as much alike as possible? Because with their bald heads, frames and shorts, I damn sure couldn't keep track of who was who.
- Jake Ellenberger didn't just knock Marcelo Alfaya out, he took away some of Alfaya's IQ points. I think Alfaya now has to relearn how to drive a car and tie his shoelaces.
- Lyman Good is the reason why superheroes should not be fighting regular humans in MMA bouts. It's just unfair.
Observations From My Couch: UFC 99
- Dan Hardy is a big pile of I AM NOT IMPRESSED.
- Caol Uno came to grapple and Spencer Fisher came to flee. Why was Fisher awarded the decision?
- Is it me or do German fans act like retarded Southern rednecks? And what's with rubbing a fighter's head when he's walking to the cage?
- Mick Swick is a badass. Ben Saunders is the exact opposite of a badass.
- I don't know what happened to the Mirko CroCop who used to thrill us in Pride, but damn do I miss him.
- Cheick Kongo, why are you wrestling that guy? Stop it. You're a kickass striker, not a kickass grappler.
- Watching Wanderlei Silva fight nowadays is like watching your drunk uncle get into fist fights on his lawn. You love the guy, but damn does it get ugly.
Labels:
Caol Uno,
Cheick Kongo,
Mike Swick,
Mirko CroCop,
Spencer Fisher,
UFC,
Wanderlei Silva
Friday, June 12, 2009
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