Thursday, April 23, 2009

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 4

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

In this week's episode, the very fabric of space and time is threatened, plus more Brits speak with accents so thick they don't even understand themselves.

Tanned, rested, well-coiffed and friendly like a soccer hooligan is friendly, Michael Bisping greets his wards and puts them through their paces in a hard training session. His coaches are introduced - someone named "Sucker" to teach grappling, some unassuming bald guy to teach striking - and his team of countrymen/aspiring UFCers sweat and grunt and then hug each other and drink tea from porcelain cups, their pinky fingers jutting out as they say "jolly good" and "know wha' ah' mean, gov'nor?"

Then the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) trains her Team America: World Police, and introduces her coaching staff, which includes someone to teach boxing, someone to teach kickboxing, someone to teach grappling, someone to teach conditioning, someone to teach hygiene, someone to teach manners, someone to teach calligraphy, someone to teach mathematics, and someone that is apparently the Queen's oldest friend and helped her build sandcastles when they were but wee children spending holidays at the seaside. The Queen asks her team who sucks and who doesn't. Mark Miller raises his hand, so he gets to fight first against someone named Nick Ostrich.

It's then that the universe and all within it are put in jeopardy. For some reason, Bisping and his coaches watch the second TUF episode of the season on TV - which in turn was watched by editors at SpikeTV before being watched by us. That's people watching a TUF episode watching a TUF episode watching a TUF episode. Somewhere on Earth Stephen Hawking grows uneasy, while in the parallel universe known as "UI-8669a-Beta", the Overlord's Royal Guard's stand ready at the Gate Between Worlds, their Energy Lances held aloft. Why you gotta play us like that, Michael Bisping?

Back at the TUF house there are pranks. Tame, non-gay pranks. A Brit's t-shirt is defaced. And back at the gym, a Brit's shoes are written on. In the control room, a producer with a headset watches the dailies and shakes his head. Says to a young production assistant: "Nope. Not gay enough." The production assistant nods. Says to the editor: "Cue up the 'Meat Missile' clip."

Mark Miller looks into the camera and declares himself a 'Meat Missile'. All targeted demographics are hit.

It's fight day, and Miller and Ostrich enter the cage. They kick and punch and roll around, and late in the second round Ostrich makes his British teammates proud by planting his shin upside the American's head. Miller drops to examine a spot on the canvas that has suddenly become very interesting to him.

Later, the Queen of England confronts Miller. "I thought you said you didn't suck?" she says.

"No, I was one of the ones who did suck," comes his reply.