Friday, October 30, 2009
A Collection of News Haiku
- His royal highness/ Dana White hates amateur/ MMA. Screw him.
- Lesnar is sick, now/ UFC 106 sucks./ Ha! It did before.
- Roxanne Modafferi/ on CBS-Fedor card./ Yahoo! You go girl!
- Massachusetts is/ close to sanctioned MMA. /Bye-bye grassroots shows!
- Ultimate Fighter/ tryouts had the skilled and inept./ Guess who's getting picked?
- Shogun, Machida,/ Cecil Peoples and judging./ Please, God, let it die.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 7
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
At what point does a douchebag become a douchebag? Is it ever cool to be a douchbag? How far can a douchebag go in being a douchebag and still succeed? If a douchebag falls over in the woods and no TUF cameramen are around to film it, did it actually fall? All these questions and more are addressed on this week's episode of VH1: Behind the Music's "Ultimate Douchebag - The Early Years". But first...
Still in full-on Red Bull-induced hysteria mode, Quinton Jackson engages in a verbal sparring match with Rashad Evans, the former imitating the latter's knocked out form after he fought Lyoto Machida, the latter pointing out that the former ain't no coach. That's right, Evans has said it: Jackson ain't no coach. The words hang there in the air, rendering the atmosphere in the TUF training center thick and gloomy and unpalatable to those stuck within the confines of this godforsaken competition. Jackson's team has lost every match-up thus far and the Pride veteran doesn't give a crap anymore, doesn't even want to show up for his fighters' bouts or comfort them in the cage after they've inevitably lost. Jackson has checked out, has moved on to his next role (as Othello in Martin Scorcese's "Othello the Moor", check your local listings), and this stint on TUF 10 is just something to pass the time.
"I'll kick your ass," says Jackson.
"Costa Mesa Police Department," says Evans. "Let me see your license and registration."
And at that Jackson crumbles, a whimpering, cringing wreck, reflexively lying face-down on the floor while muttering, "Don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me."
Now it's time for the fight selection, and as Team Rampage has lost everything even remotely resembling a competitive combative sport contest, Evans still gets to choose. He selects Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone. Our journey of douchebaggery begins!
Back at the TUF house Matt Minestrone hands Scott Garbage a note. "Dear Scott: I love you," it reads, and the other members of the house are scandalized.
"What a scumbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
At the TUF training center Team Rashad informs Evans of the note. Evans calls Matt Minestrone into his office and chastises him. "Look, you can love anyone you want, but you need to fight first."
"I know what I'm doing in my own head," replies Matt Minestrone. "I hear voices, but fighting silences them. Also, I can make phone calls telepathically."
Evans stares at him like he's a giant pigeon that just took a dump on his car. "You are both wierd and a douchebag."
The TUF house, and now Matt Minestrone is drinking orange juice. Apparently it's not his, apparently John Madsen went out and bought it himself with his own damn money and the juice was not provided by the show's staff, because John Madsen gets all bent out of shape. "You're a douchebag. I should slap your pretty face," he says. Matt Minestrone doesn't like that, so when they're back at the training center and the two suit up for sparring, Matt Minestrone actually spars.
"Wah! You're being a douchebag!" says John Madsen, and Matt Minestrone storms off to the office. Again, Evans confronts him.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't even fought yet and you're creeping people out with your douchebagness. Save it for your opponent!"
"What a dirtbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
Once more we're back at the house, this time by the pool, where an audience of castmates have gathered to watch Matt Minestrone shoot some hoops on the basketball court. Oh, and also, Wes Sims is apparently a ninja, and in his ninja garb he stealthily stalks the oblivious Matt Minestrone... to hug him. That's it. All he does is sneak up on Matt Minestrone and hug him.
"You're doing it wrong!" screams mulleted ex-ninja Scott Morris from his trailer in Des Moines, and he emphasizes his disapproval by tossing a half-empty can of Schlitz at his television.
"Duh, I am going to punch him in the face," says Scott Garbage, but real slow, like he's developmentally disabled or something.
"What a dingbat!" declares Mike Wessel. "The line is, 'What a douchebag!'" a producer whispers from off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
Fight time! But prior to everyone wrapping their hands and warming up, Matt Minestrone informs coach Evans that he's telepathically called his wife.
"My wife?" says Evans. "Man, you are a total douchebag."
Referee Josh RosencrantzandGuildenstern starts the action, "action" the operative word here, and Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone engage in the sloppiest, ugliest, most cardio-lacking, technique-lacking brawl to ever grace the Octagon. In between rounds Dana White exclaims it's the best fight ever - a sure sign of its suckage - and when the fight resumes it only gets sloppier and uglier. Matt Minestrone wins the decision, "win" the operative word here.
"Homestar Runner dot net," says Mike Wessel. "I mean, dot com." "Cut!" shouts the TUF producer from off-camera.
And Jackson wrecks a door.
The end.
At what point does a douchebag become a douchebag? Is it ever cool to be a douchbag? How far can a douchebag go in being a douchebag and still succeed? If a douchebag falls over in the woods and no TUF cameramen are around to film it, did it actually fall? All these questions and more are addressed on this week's episode of VH1: Behind the Music's "Ultimate Douchebag - The Early Years". But first...
Still in full-on Red Bull-induced hysteria mode, Quinton Jackson engages in a verbal sparring match with Rashad Evans, the former imitating the latter's knocked out form after he fought Lyoto Machida, the latter pointing out that the former ain't no coach. That's right, Evans has said it: Jackson ain't no coach. The words hang there in the air, rendering the atmosphere in the TUF training center thick and gloomy and unpalatable to those stuck within the confines of this godforsaken competition. Jackson's team has lost every match-up thus far and the Pride veteran doesn't give a crap anymore, doesn't even want to show up for his fighters' bouts or comfort them in the cage after they've inevitably lost. Jackson has checked out, has moved on to his next role (as Othello in Martin Scorcese's "Othello the Moor", check your local listings), and this stint on TUF 10 is just something to pass the time.
"I'll kick your ass," says Jackson.
"Costa Mesa Police Department," says Evans. "Let me see your license and registration."
And at that Jackson crumbles, a whimpering, cringing wreck, reflexively lying face-down on the floor while muttering, "Don't tase me, bro. Don't tase me."
Now it's time for the fight selection, and as Team Rampage has lost everything even remotely resembling a competitive combative sport contest, Evans still gets to choose. He selects Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone. Our journey of douchebaggery begins!
Back at the TUF house Matt Minestrone hands Scott Garbage a note. "Dear Scott: I love you," it reads, and the other members of the house are scandalized.
"What a scumbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
At the TUF training center Team Rashad informs Evans of the note. Evans calls Matt Minestrone into his office and chastises him. "Look, you can love anyone you want, but you need to fight first."
"I know what I'm doing in my own head," replies Matt Minestrone. "I hear voices, but fighting silences them. Also, I can make phone calls telepathically."
Evans stares at him like he's a giant pigeon that just took a dump on his car. "You are both wierd and a douchebag."
The TUF house, and now Matt Minestrone is drinking orange juice. Apparently it's not his, apparently John Madsen went out and bought it himself with his own damn money and the juice was not provided by the show's staff, because John Madsen gets all bent out of shape. "You're a douchebag. I should slap your pretty face," he says. Matt Minestrone doesn't like that, so when they're back at the training center and the two suit up for sparring, Matt Minestrone actually spars.
"Wah! You're being a douchebag!" says John Madsen, and Matt Minestrone storms off to the office. Again, Evans confronts him.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't even fought yet and you're creeping people out with your douchebagness. Save it for your opponent!"
"What a dirtbag!" declares Mike Wessel. "It's 'douchebag'," a producer whispers off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
Once more we're back at the house, this time by the pool, where an audience of castmates have gathered to watch Matt Minestrone shoot some hoops on the basketball court. Oh, and also, Wes Sims is apparently a ninja, and in his ninja garb he stealthily stalks the oblivious Matt Minestrone... to hug him. That's it. All he does is sneak up on Matt Minestrone and hug him.
"You're doing it wrong!" screams mulleted ex-ninja Scott Morris from his trailer in Des Moines, and he emphasizes his disapproval by tossing a half-empty can of Schlitz at his television.
"Duh, I am going to punch him in the face," says Scott Garbage, but real slow, like he's developmentally disabled or something.
"What a dingbat!" declares Mike Wessel. "The line is, 'What a douchebag!'" a producer whispers from off-camera. "What a douchebag!" says Mike Wessel, correcting himself.
Fight time! But prior to everyone wrapping their hands and warming up, Matt Minestrone informs coach Evans that he's telepathically called his wife.
"My wife?" says Evans. "Man, you are a total douchebag."
Referee Josh RosencrantzandGuildenstern starts the action, "action" the operative word here, and Scott Garbage and Matt Minestrone engage in the sloppiest, ugliest, most cardio-lacking, technique-lacking brawl to ever grace the Octagon. In between rounds Dana White exclaims it's the best fight ever - a sure sign of its suckage - and when the fight resumes it only gets sloppier and uglier. Matt Minestrone wins the decision, "win" the operative word here.
"Homestar Runner dot net," says Mike Wessel. "I mean, dot com." "Cut!" shouts the TUF producer from off-camera.
And Jackson wrecks a door.
The end.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Promoter to Launch California-Based MMA League, Then Promptly Fail
Sports promoter Roy Englebrecht announced today that he's launching a professional, team-based minor league MMA organization in the southern Californa area, an organization comprised of eight teams vying for a championship title, and that after he starts the league the whole endeavor will promptly fail. Dubbed the "Professional Mixed Martial Arts League", or PMMAL, the organization will field teams representing San Diego, Los Angeles, Ventura and even Las Vegas, and though aspiring fighters will be signed to teams via exclusive contracts, team owners will have the discretion to allow their fighters to compete elsewhere - or be sold to the UFC or Strikeforce when the PMMAL collapses. Said Cory Needbaum, Englebrecht's financial advisor who lives in beat-up 1984 Dodge Caravan permanently parked at the rest area near Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, "This is a groovy idea, man. Them IFL cats did it all wrong. It took them two years to go belly up, but we can make that happen in just nine months. You'll see, man. You'll see."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
CSAC Releases Judging Scores for Machida/Shogun 2
In an attempt to stave off controversy, the California State Athletic Commission has released the scores for the Lyoto Machida/Mauricio "Shogun" Rua 2 bout, despite the fact that the match has yet to occur and has not even been officially agreed upon or announced. According to CSAC representatives, the eagerly-anticipated rematch between the two best light-heavyweights in the world - which could happen at a UFC event next year, maybe in California, maybe not - will end with Machida the winner by split decision, with two judges giving four rounds to the champ and one judge giving three rounds to the challenger. As their first meeting, an epic, five-round war at UFC 104 this past weekend, ended with Machida the recipient of a questionable decision, it appears that the California commission is taking proactive steps to ensure a more fair result. Said CSAC chairman Mario Ramirez Brown, "The Commission isn't dumb. We know mixed martial arts. And just like we know Mr. Machida won the first time, we know that he wins the second time. Now excuse me, but I have to go sexually harrass my staff."
Monday, October 26, 2009
A Piece of MMA History: "World's Best Fighter"
It was a bad night to be a foreigner, but it was a good night if you were a fan of fighting. On February 3rd, 2007, at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, a one-shot promotion called World's Best Fighter assembled together a roster of fledgling Asian mixed martial artists and solid American up-and-comers and pitted them against each other in a "Team USA vs. Team Asia" contest. Team Asia got its ass kicked. Future UFC fighter Mike Massenzio played his usual ground-and-pound game against his Japanese foe, grinding out a unanimous decision, while local stud Greg Soto won via armbar and heavyweight everyman Justin Eilers won with a tsunami of knees and punches. The only real competitive bout of the event was Kevin Roddy versus Jong Man Kim - a Korean Top Team rep and the best grappler of the bunch - but "K-Rod" won via armbar with just three seconds left in the first round (the result was later changed to a "no contest" because, well, K-Rod is K-Rod you know). Aside from a few kickboxing match-ups and John Doyle and Brendan Barrett falling out of the ring (their bout was declared a "no contest"), the undercard also featured Team Tiger Schulmann rising star Lyman Good against Renzo black belt Julio Cruz, with Good's superior striking earning him the win via TKO.
Though the the Asian portion of the crowd sat stoic and silent throughout, the American portion of the crowd seemed to love every minute of it. And why wouldn't they? The fights were entertaining. Plus, Team USA kicked ass.
Though the the Asian portion of the crowd sat stoic and silent throughout, the American portion of the crowd seemed to love every minute of it. And why wouldn't they? The fights were entertaining. Plus, Team USA kicked ass.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Day 2
MMA Journalist is back for more, although today it was to sit on the panel for the discussion about the "The Future of MMA in New York". No real crazies in the audience this time, but as an "authority" on underground shows I was asked questions about where the promoters hide the dead bodies and if actual Southeast Asian slaves are used as fighters. Attendance for the expo itself seems down from yesterday, but hey, it's Sunday. Even MMA fans go to church.
Observations From My Couch: UFC 104 "Holy Robbery, Batman!"
- The decision in the Lyoto Machida/Shogun fight wasn't just bad, it was heinous. Heinous I tell you!
- Cain Velasquez is a beast.
- Ben Rothwell is whatever a zookeeper feeds a beast at its designated feeding time.
- All this time in the sport and Josh Neer still hasn't learned how to avoid takedowns? What does he do with his time? Drive under the influence or something?
- Spencer Fisher, I think you're an exciting fighter. However, it might be time to retire from the Octagon.
- I sure wish Anthony Johnson had made weight. I really wanted to be impressed with his performance. Instead, I'm stuck with the notion that the dude is just a cheater.
- Ryan Bader is a big pile of UNIMPRESSIVE.
- Pat Barry looked good. Antoni Hardonk looked like he took a bad hardonk to the head.
- I don't know who that Chael Sonnen was wrecking Yushin Okami, but he should stick around. He's much better than the Chael Sonnen we're used to.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Part 3
Eddie's knowledge of the history of the sport cannot be overstated. When I started covering MMA back in 2001, he was someone I looked up to in terms of the scope and breadth of what he knew, his fashion sense notwithstanding. Melvina gets the conch shell again, and like when she spoke at the legislative roundtable earlier this year, she brings up the scourge known as unsanctioned underground shows. Somewhere, Peter Storm's ears are ringing. Uh oh, now Eddie's talking about underground fights, and he's bringing up Doug Dedge, the American who fought in an unsanctioned show in the Ukraine and died. Someone must've clued him in about the death toll events like the UCL and Empire State Warrior Challenge have left in their wake. Okay, now it's open to questions from the audience. Some lunatic is ranting and raving about being a Tae Kwon Do champ and member of Lions Den and smokers and, God, I can't figure out where he's going with this. I think he hates the government or something. Now he's going on about Matt Hughes and Tim Sylvia raping a girl and Dana White paying her 2 million bucks in hush money. Oh this is gold. To his credit, Mike Kim is responding with calm and poise and is difusing Mr. Crazy Lions Den Guy Who Did Tae Kwon Do. Okay, things are drawing to a close. Overall, it seems the future of MMA is optimistic - with a side of crazy.
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Part 2
It's time now for the panel discussion title "The Future of MMA in New York". The speakers include athletic commission chairwoman Melvina Lathan, Mike Kim (the guy who drafted the legislation that will soon be passed legalizing pro MMA), and Eddie Goldman. Also on hand are an assortment of fortune tellers, soothsayers, prognosticators, clairvoyants and gypsies that read chicken gizzards. Melvina is up first, and the crux of her speech is a brief history of the commission's oversight of MMA before it was banned in 1996. She stresses that the commission currently has no regulatory power over it, that the law has to change. Mike Kim is now talking about the legalization process and where the MMA bill stands. Eddie, meanwhile, is contributing by blowing up balloons and making animals and a crown.
Liveblog: World MMA Expo Part 1
MMA Journalist is here at the Javits Center in Manhattan for the inaugural World MMA Expo, a convention of sorts featuring vendors, demos, guest speakers and religious zealots out to convert bystanders into followers of jiu-jitsu, wrestling and Muay Thai. The turnout isn't bad - not as huge as when the nerds gather for a ComicCon or something, but there's a decent amount of people. Pete Sell, Pete Spratt and Phillipe Nover are in a cage giving autographs, and the line is pretty long for that, and a healthy crowd is gathered around a mat to watch Marcelo Garcia display his absolute mastery of Tai Chi. Or something. Also present: the Fight Nerd, Doug from Evolution Combat Club, and Eddie "Bad Mofo" Goldman. I'm going to try to get Eddie to sign my chest.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Weekend Schedule
There's a lot going on this weekend. Besides UFC 104 on pay-per-view Saturday night, Maryland will host its first-ever pro MMA show with Shogun Fights. The man behind the event is John Rallo, a Renzo black belt and the driving force that got the sport legalized down there, and it looks like local studs Binky Jones, Rick Desper and New Jersey featherweight powerhouse Steve DeAngelis get to be first up to bat.
Also this weekend is the World MMA Expo at the Jacob Javitz Center in Manhattan. MMA Journalist will be liveblogging that one.
Asylum Fight League XX is on Saturday night at the Trump Marina in Atlantic City. The AFL is always a good night of fighting, but as cloning technology isn't quite up to par yet, MMA Journalist is going to miss it.
Also this weekend is the World MMA Expo at the Jacob Javitz Center in Manhattan. MMA Journalist will be liveblogging that one.
Asylum Fight League XX is on Saturday night at the Trump Marina in Atlantic City. The AFL is always a good night of fighting, but as cloning technology isn't quite up to par yet, MMA Journalist is going to miss it.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Reformed Underground Fighter to Return to the Warm Embrace of Sanctioned MMA
Reformed underground fighter James Funaro, who made a name for himself as a top vale tudo competitor in the New York underground fight scene, will return to the warm embrace of sanctioned MMA this weekend at Asylum Fight League XX in Atlantic City. It's an unprecedented move. Usually, fighters who've crossed over to the dark side of unregulated matches are banned from amateur competition in New Jersey. But "after filing the proper post-UCL paperwork" and getting the necessary medical tests, it looks like the 175-pound Vamos BJJ/BoxFit rep will make the switch. Funaro, of course, is no stranger to bouts with actual rules. Prior to his career as a lawless gladiator fighting to the death, he saw combat at New Breed Fighters, Caged Fury in Ohio, and most recently at Philly Biker Brawl in Philadelphia. "Good for him," said the evil Brian Dennehy, who controls the underground fight circuit in New York. "He deserves to go legit. I wish him luck." Funaro is scheduled to face the experienced Anthony Cruz, and the AFL 20 card will also feature amateur mainstays Thiago Carfi, George Siderias and Cuba Gooding Jr.
Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 6
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
After realizing that Kimbo's fight was the high-point of the season and it will only be a suckfest from here on out, Darrill Spoonodor attempts to find solace in a bottle of booze. Actually, many bottles of booze. And beer. And sangria. And Bartles & James wine coolers. And Boones Farm. "Blimey, Darrill fancies ter missin' link a hoppin' pot ov de booze, innit?" says James McSweeney.
Um, what?
Anyway, Team Rashad gathers for practice, Darrill by now intoxicated out of his mind, stumbling about and muttering something about "Winky-Dinky Dogs". Coach Evans ignores him, even when his heavyweight ward vomits on assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale, and the ex-champ introduces guest coach Kru Phil Nurse, who teaches Team Rashad about greasing and other anti-grappling techniques. Immediately, Kru Phil Nurse begins rubbing everyone down with Vaseline.
Team Rampage, meanwhile, is having a hard time coping with their nonstop string of losses, and coach Jackson, on day nine of another sleepless, Red Bull-fueled bender, begins to hallucinate. The focus of his hallucinations: Darrill Spoonodor's chest, which in his addled mind resemble "titties". "Titties!" Jackson calls out to Darrill Spoonodor's chest. He attempts to suckle, but the drunken TUF contestant rebuffs him. "Titties!" Jackson cries.
Then everyone lines up for the "Which Rampage Fighter Is Going To Get Beat Next?" ceremony, and as Team Rashad has the ball, coach Evans gets to choose. He picks Darrill Spoonoder to face Zak Jensen, wildly believed to be the weakest link of Team Rampage - nay, the entire TUF house - nay, the entire world. Zak Jensen is purported to be a delicate flower, capable of much love and caring and absolutely zero fighting. At that point Darrill Spoonodor begins shouting at a heavybag and gesticulating wildly. "You son of bitch, you've been staring at me all night. You think you're tough? I'll kick your ass!" Except Darrill Spoonodor is pretty far gone at this point, so when he talks it sounds like his cheeks are full of bar pretzels. And maybe they are.
"Titties!" wails Jackson. "Titties, titties, titties!" He begins waving around dollar bills in a vain effort to get Darrill Spoonodor to dance for him.
Back at the house and everyone is counting down the minutes until Zak Jensen crumbles. Wes Sims starts a pool, marking off on a calendar each housemate's guess. Some wager sooner. Some wager later. Zak Jensen himself even marks off a day on the calendar, then returns to his poetry in the bunk above Wes Sims.
It's training time, and again we're treated to more reasons as to why Zak Jensen sucks. But when he's accidently cut above the eye during a scramble, we're given hope: could this be Kimbo Slice's opening to re-enter the competition? Sorry, Kimbo, no way. If you were going to fight, this episode would have garnered another massive bombardment of SpikeTV press releases hyping the show. And that obviously didn't happen.
Hijinks at the TUF training center! While coach Evans has brought in Kru Phil Nurse to help out his team of upstarts, Team Rampage assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head his a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. Word? Yeah, word.) has brought in a cartoonist. Hmmmm... If Team Rampage members keep losing by submission and their coaching staff consequently provides them with a cartoonist, what would the coaching staff have provided if they kept losing by strikes? A violinist? A giraffe? Anyway, the cartoonist draws caricatures of the various members of Team Rashad, with Darrill Spoonodor in a bra.
"Titties!" Rampage implores, and he begins dry humping a nearby stationary bike.
Thankfully, it's fight time, and Zak Jensen and Darrill Spoonodor enter the cage. By now Darrill Spoonodor is so shitfaced he can barely see, and he's moving like Daffy Duck after Daffy's been hit with a tranquilizer dart, i.e., soooo slowwwwwww. But it doesn't matter. He punches Zak Jensen in the face, and when Zak Jensen takes him down, he slaps on the slowest triangle choke known to man - a triangle choke Zak Jensen does nothing to avoid. Eleven minutes later and Zak Jensen is asleep. Darrill Spoonodor again vomits, and grabs a nearby production assistant and snuggles with him in a corner. "You sure look pretty..." Darrill Spoonodor says to the hapless man before drifting off into alcohol-induced unconsciousness.
"Titties?" Jackson says, the hurt and confusion in his voice clear as day. "Titties, I - I loved you."
The end.
After realizing that Kimbo's fight was the high-point of the season and it will only be a suckfest from here on out, Darrill Spoonodor attempts to find solace in a bottle of booze. Actually, many bottles of booze. And beer. And sangria. And Bartles & James wine coolers. And Boones Farm. "Blimey, Darrill fancies ter missin' link a hoppin' pot ov de booze, innit?" says James McSweeney.
Um, what?
Anyway, Team Rashad gathers for practice, Darrill by now intoxicated out of his mind, stumbling about and muttering something about "Winky-Dinky Dogs". Coach Evans ignores him, even when his heavyweight ward vomits on assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale, and the ex-champ introduces guest coach Kru Phil Nurse, who teaches Team Rashad about greasing and other anti-grappling techniques. Immediately, Kru Phil Nurse begins rubbing everyone down with Vaseline.
Team Rampage, meanwhile, is having a hard time coping with their nonstop string of losses, and coach Jackson, on day nine of another sleepless, Red Bull-fueled bender, begins to hallucinate. The focus of his hallucinations: Darrill Spoonodor's chest, which in his addled mind resemble "titties". "Titties!" Jackson calls out to Darrill Spoonodor's chest. He attempts to suckle, but the drunken TUF contestant rebuffs him. "Titties!" Jackson cries.
Then everyone lines up for the "Which Rampage Fighter Is Going To Get Beat Next?" ceremony, and as Team Rashad has the ball, coach Evans gets to choose. He picks Darrill Spoonoder to face Zak Jensen, wildly believed to be the weakest link of Team Rampage - nay, the entire TUF house - nay, the entire world. Zak Jensen is purported to be a delicate flower, capable of much love and caring and absolutely zero fighting. At that point Darrill Spoonodor begins shouting at a heavybag and gesticulating wildly. "You son of bitch, you've been staring at me all night. You think you're tough? I'll kick your ass!" Except Darrill Spoonodor is pretty far gone at this point, so when he talks it sounds like his cheeks are full of bar pretzels. And maybe they are.
"Titties!" wails Jackson. "Titties, titties, titties!" He begins waving around dollar bills in a vain effort to get Darrill Spoonodor to dance for him.
Back at the house and everyone is counting down the minutes until Zak Jensen crumbles. Wes Sims starts a pool, marking off on a calendar each housemate's guess. Some wager sooner. Some wager later. Zak Jensen himself even marks off a day on the calendar, then returns to his poetry in the bunk above Wes Sims.
It's training time, and again we're treated to more reasons as to why Zak Jensen sucks. But when he's accidently cut above the eye during a scramble, we're given hope: could this be Kimbo Slice's opening to re-enter the competition? Sorry, Kimbo, no way. If you were going to fight, this episode would have garnered another massive bombardment of SpikeTV press releases hyping the show. And that obviously didn't happen.
Hijinks at the TUF training center! While coach Evans has brought in Kru Phil Nurse to help out his team of upstarts, Team Rampage assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head his a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. Word? Yeah, word.) has brought in a cartoonist. Hmmmm... If Team Rampage members keep losing by submission and their coaching staff consequently provides them with a cartoonist, what would the coaching staff have provided if they kept losing by strikes? A violinist? A giraffe? Anyway, the cartoonist draws caricatures of the various members of Team Rashad, with Darrill Spoonodor in a bra.
"Titties!" Rampage implores, and he begins dry humping a nearby stationary bike.
Thankfully, it's fight time, and Zak Jensen and Darrill Spoonodor enter the cage. By now Darrill Spoonodor is so shitfaced he can barely see, and he's moving like Daffy Duck after Daffy's been hit with a tranquilizer dart, i.e., soooo slowwwwwww. But it doesn't matter. He punches Zak Jensen in the face, and when Zak Jensen takes him down, he slaps on the slowest triangle choke known to man - a triangle choke Zak Jensen does nothing to avoid. Eleven minutes later and Zak Jensen is asleep. Darrill Spoonodor again vomits, and grabs a nearby production assistant and snuggles with him in a corner. "You sure look pretty..." Darrill Spoonodor says to the hapless man before drifting off into alcohol-induced unconsciousness.
"Titties?" Jackson says, the hurt and confusion in his voice clear as day. "Titties, I - I loved you."
The end.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Predictions for UFC 104: "Concentrate, Daniel-San - Wax On, Wax Off"
UFC 104 approaches, and with it comes the latest installment of the popular "The Karate Kid" series. When last we left Daniel-San, he was victorious in defeating the bully Rashad Evans. But his Crane Technique can only carry him so far, and his next opponent - the Shogun of Harlem - is the baddest mo-fo, low-down around this town. Will Daniel-San emerge victorious? Or will he face doom in the Octagon and forever be known as "The Last Dragon"? Predictions!
- Lyoto Machida will win. He's been drinking his own urine, and that's some serious karate right there.
- I'm really aggravated that Yahoo! Sports used my "Is Cain Able?" line before I could get it up. That kind of witty Biblical analogy is this blog's bread and butter. Dammit.
- Ben Rothwell: the man, the myth, the buffet killer.
- I don't know who's going to win between Gleison Tibau and Josh Neer, but one thing is for sure: somehow, some way, Neer is going to wind up pissed off.
- Spencer "the King" Fisher is going to out-point Joe Stevenson, but the California State Athletic Commission will change the result to a "no contest" when they find out that Fisher is not, in fact, a king.
- Anthony Johnson by pure, unadulterated blackness.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Another NYC Underground Show Scheduled
November is turning into a busy month for MMA fans in New York, with yet another underground show scheduled for the Five Boroughs. If this one is anything like the last one I went to over the summer (click here for the trip down memory lane: http://mmajournalist.blogspot.com/2009/06/liveblog-brooklyn-underground-show-part.html ), the action is MMA-ish, i.e., not vale tudo like the UCL and the fighters wear headgear. But it can be entertaining. Anyhoo, this one is in Queens and it's slated for November 13th. Booyah.
Bellator FC to Air on Drive-Thru Order Screens at Taco Bells Nationwide
Bellator Fighting Championships, which made a splash last year on ESPN Deportes with a series of Latino-centric MMA tournaments, has announced a new broadcast deal for their upcoming season. In addition to securing time on FOX Sports Net, NBC and Telemundo, Bellator will also air live bouts on the drive-thru order screens of Taco Bell fast food restaurants nationwide. "I am very happy," said El Jefe Bjorn Rebney before firing a pair of six-shooters into the sky. "With this distribution deal, the Bellator name will now be forever linked to quality MMA fights and fine Mexican food. Arriba!" In its inaugural season, the promotion crowned Hector Lombard, Lyman Good, Eddie Alvarez and Joe Soto as champs and paid them the kind of pesos only top UFC fighters receive. It's unclear what the new season will bring, although expect lots and lots of pinatas.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Spreading the MMA Knowledge Wealth
Check out this - http://www.doghouseboxing.com/UFC_MMA/Genia101909.htm - in case you've been wondering what I do when not posting here. Between DoghouseBoxing.com, MMAMemories.com and FCFighter.com, I'm just doing my part to spread the MMA knowledge wealth.
MMA World Expo to Possibly Feature MMA and Stuff
The inaugural MMA World Expo is scheduled for this upcoming weekend at the Jacob Javitz Center in Manhattan, with the two-day event featuring what should be a ridiculous amount of MMA. Guest speakers lined up include judo stud Rhadi Ferguson, who will be conducting a seminar on what it's like being Kimbo Slice's cousin, and veteran journo Eddie Goldman, who will be talking about various styles of eyewear. Fighters scheduled for autograph sessions include Wanderlei Silva, Matt Hughes, Philippe Nover and Pete Sell, among others. Expect MMA Journalist to pay the expo a visit and liveblog the festivities.
Friday, October 16, 2009
October 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings
October 16, 2009: The October 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings have been released. These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites.
In addition to the numerous MMA web sites that publish the Independent World MMA Rankings, you can also access the rankings at any time by going to www.IndependentWorldMMARankings.com.
Some of the best and most knowledgeable MMA writers from across the MMA media landscape have come together to form one independent voting panel. These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (Fight Opinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Freelance), Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Jim Murphy (The Savage Science); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion), Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Total MMA).
Note: Joachim Hansen, who was previously ineligible to be ranked due to 12 months of inactivity, has regained his eligibility to be ranked as a result of his recent return to competition.
October 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings Ballots collected on October 13, 2009
Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)
1. Fedor Emelianenko (30-1, 1 No Contest)
2. Brock Lesnar (4-1)
3. Frank Mir (12-4)
4. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (32-5-1, 1 No Contest)
5. Shane Carwin (11-0)
6. Brett Rogers (10-0)
7. Randy Couture (16-10)
8. Alistair Overeem (29-11, 1 No Contest)
9. Junior dos Santos (9-1)
10. Fabricio Werdum (12-4-1)
Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)
1. Lyoto Machida (15-0)
2. Quinton Jackson (30-7)
3. Rashad Evans (13-1-1)
4. Anderson Silva (25-4)
5. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-3)
6. Forrest Griffin (16-6)
7. Gegard Mousasi (26-2-1)
8. Dan Henderson (25-7)
9. Thiago Silva (14-1)
10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (17-3)
Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)
1. Anderson Silva (25-4)
2. Nathan Marquardt (29-8-2)
3. Dan Henderson (25-7)
4. Yushin Okami (23-4)
5. Jorge Santiago (21-7)
6. Vitor Belfort (19-8)
7. Demian Maia (10-1)
8. Robbie Lawler (16-5, 1 No Contest)
9. Chael Sonnen (23-10-1)
10. Yoshihiro Akiyama (13-1, 2 No Contests)
Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)
1. Georges St. Pierre (19-2)
2. Jon Fitch (19-3, 1 No Contest)
3. Thiago Alves (16-4)
4. Jake Shields (23-4-1)
5. Josh Koscheck (13-4)
6. Matt Hughes (43-7)
7. Mike Swick (14-2)
8. Paulo Thiago (11-1)
9. Carlos Condit (23-5)
10. Marius Zaromskis (12-3)
Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)
1. B.J. Penn (14-5-1)
2. Shinya Aoki (22-4, 1 No Contest)
3. Eddie Alvarez (17-2)
4. Kenny Florian (11-4)
5. Tatsuya Kawajiri (25-5-2)
6. Diego Sanchez (21-2)
7. Gray Maynard (8-0, 1 No Contest)
8. Frankie Edgar (10-1)
9. Joachim Hansen (19-8-1)
10. Mizuto Hirota (12-3-1)
Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Mike Brown (22-4)
2. Urijah Faber (22-3)
3. Jose Aldo (15-1)
4. Hatsu Hioki (20-3-2)
5. Leonard Garcia (13-4)
6. Bibiano Fernandes (7-2)
7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (16-3)
8. Wagnney Fabiano (12-2)
9. Raphael Assuncao (14-1)
10. Mackens Semerzier (4-0)
Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Brian Bowles (8-0)
2. Miguel Torres (37-2)
3. Takeya Mizugaki (12-3-2)
4. Masakatsu Ueda (9-0-2)
5. Dominick Cruz (14-1)
6. Akitoshi Tamura (14-7-2)
7. Joseph Benavidez (10-1)
8. Damacio Page (12-4)
9. Rani Yahya (14-4)
10. Will Ribeiro (10-2)
The Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.
The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.
The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.
Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.
Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.
Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.
Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.
Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 5
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
This week we're introduced to two new members of the TUF house - Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz - with the additions getting an inordinate amount of camera time... time that could be better spent on Kimbo!
Team Rashad is training and everyone is all smiles and love and tender affection while they jog around the training center, occasionally dropping to do a forward roll or pausing for an awkward cartwheel. But beneath that veneer of idyllic happiness lurks something dark. Something unsettling. Yes, Matt Minestrone's shoulder wants to make its presence known, and it does it in the form of complaints ("Ouch, that push-up is going to hurt. Maybe you should give me some ice? Ouch, hitting that heavybag is going to hurt. Can I get a shot of heroin?"). Matt Minestrone brings his shoulder over to coach Rashad Evans and Evans listens to the shoulder drone on.
"Heroin? Really? Man, that's a short-term fix for what could be a long-term problem," says Evans, trying to reason with the shoulder. "Why not just tweak your nipples?"
But Matt Minestrone's shoulder will have none if it, and it points out the fact that it's just a shoulder and it doesn't possess nipples.
Over at Team Rampage, things aren't going too rosy for Zak Jensen in practice. Apparently he sucks, and everyone takes a moment to describe in colorful terms his suckiness. "There's suck, and there's suck," says Scott Garbage. "Zak is SUCK."
"Man, he suck," says coach Quinton Jackson.
Jensen agrees. "Yeah, I really suck."
Back at the house and we're introduced to Zak Jensen's jizz, which is taking a shower when teammate Wes Sims tries to join it. "Zak Jensen, your jizz won't share the damn shower!" Sims bellows. Later on, Jensen retreats to his room to write in his diary. His jizz, meanwhile, joins the rest of the housemates downstairs, and the group shares a laugh at Jensen's expense. "Holy crap does Zak suck!" Zack Jensen's jizz proclaims. Everyone cracks up.
At that point incomprehensible Brit James McSweeney says something into the camera, but outside of those intoxicated and watching in pubs, no one understands him.
Back to Matt Minestrone's shoulder, which is chilling in the pool casually shooting basketballs into a hoop. Women in bikinis prance around. A midget shakes a bottle of Moet champagne and the ensuing spray fills the air. At one point it looks like Matt Minestrone's shoulder is filming a rap video.
Later on in the training center, Matt Minestrone walks up to coach Evans. "I don't think I can punch today. My shoulder needs ice."
"Yeah," Matt Minestrone's shoulder chimes in.
Evans looks at Matt Minestrone, at Matt Minestrone's shoulder, then back at Matt Minestrone. "You two are weird," he says.
It's time to choose who's fighting who, and as Evans' team has been kicking ass, Evans gets to make the pick. He names Wes Sims and Justin Wren as the next two warriors to grace the cage. What? Why the hell did we have all this drama involving Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz? Why aren't the shoulder and the jizz fighting?
Some quick backstory on Sims and Justin Wren: Sims is tall and goofy, trains with the Hammer House but cannot wrestle, fought Frank Mir in the UFC twice, and was homeless prior to getting into the TUF house. Justin Wren is both Greek and Roman and he wrestles.
Close up of Kimbo sitting on a couch. "I just want to fight again," he says. Yes, Kimbo. And every employee of SpikeTV from the executives on down to the night cleaning lady wants you to fight again, too.
Sims lets everyone know that he wants to make an impression by winning big or losing big, and though he'd prefer to win, he's not afraid to make a statement by losing. As an exclamation point, he stands up and flexes like a pro wrestler.
At the official weigh-ins Sims and Justin Wren strip down to their underwear, "underwear" a subjective term and in this instance a distant relative to the purple monstrosity and the butt-flosser we're forced to look at when Sims and Justin Wren step on the scale. Everyone hoots and hollers, including Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz.
And then it's fight time, and after the two engage along the cage and Justin Wren gets the takedown, Sims gets his wish re: making an impression. Thanks to an arm-triangle choke, the tall and goofy UFC vet is left unconscious on the canvas. It takes paramedics 20 minutes to revive him.
Just like in the last episode, coach Jackson refuses to come to the aid of his fallen fighter, and afterwards Evans confronts him in the hallway. "That's some crappy coaching-style you got there," he says.
Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz walk by. "Yeah, man," they say in unison. "You suck."
The end.
This week we're introduced to two new members of the TUF house - Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz - with the additions getting an inordinate amount of camera time... time that could be better spent on Kimbo!
Team Rashad is training and everyone is all smiles and love and tender affection while they jog around the training center, occasionally dropping to do a forward roll or pausing for an awkward cartwheel. But beneath that veneer of idyllic happiness lurks something dark. Something unsettling. Yes, Matt Minestrone's shoulder wants to make its presence known, and it does it in the form of complaints ("Ouch, that push-up is going to hurt. Maybe you should give me some ice? Ouch, hitting that heavybag is going to hurt. Can I get a shot of heroin?"). Matt Minestrone brings his shoulder over to coach Rashad Evans and Evans listens to the shoulder drone on.
"Heroin? Really? Man, that's a short-term fix for what could be a long-term problem," says Evans, trying to reason with the shoulder. "Why not just tweak your nipples?"
But Matt Minestrone's shoulder will have none if it, and it points out the fact that it's just a shoulder and it doesn't possess nipples.
Over at Team Rampage, things aren't going too rosy for Zak Jensen in practice. Apparently he sucks, and everyone takes a moment to describe in colorful terms his suckiness. "There's suck, and there's suck," says Scott Garbage. "Zak is SUCK."
"Man, he suck," says coach Quinton Jackson.
Jensen agrees. "Yeah, I really suck."
Back at the house and we're introduced to Zak Jensen's jizz, which is taking a shower when teammate Wes Sims tries to join it. "Zak Jensen, your jizz won't share the damn shower!" Sims bellows. Later on, Jensen retreats to his room to write in his diary. His jizz, meanwhile, joins the rest of the housemates downstairs, and the group shares a laugh at Jensen's expense. "Holy crap does Zak suck!" Zack Jensen's jizz proclaims. Everyone cracks up.
At that point incomprehensible Brit James McSweeney says something into the camera, but outside of those intoxicated and watching in pubs, no one understands him.
Back to Matt Minestrone's shoulder, which is chilling in the pool casually shooting basketballs into a hoop. Women in bikinis prance around. A midget shakes a bottle of Moet champagne and the ensuing spray fills the air. At one point it looks like Matt Minestrone's shoulder is filming a rap video.
Later on in the training center, Matt Minestrone walks up to coach Evans. "I don't think I can punch today. My shoulder needs ice."
"Yeah," Matt Minestrone's shoulder chimes in.
Evans looks at Matt Minestrone, at Matt Minestrone's shoulder, then back at Matt Minestrone. "You two are weird," he says.
It's time to choose who's fighting who, and as Evans' team has been kicking ass, Evans gets to make the pick. He names Wes Sims and Justin Wren as the next two warriors to grace the cage. What? Why the hell did we have all this drama involving Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz? Why aren't the shoulder and the jizz fighting?
Some quick backstory on Sims and Justin Wren: Sims is tall and goofy, trains with the Hammer House but cannot wrestle, fought Frank Mir in the UFC twice, and was homeless prior to getting into the TUF house. Justin Wren is both Greek and Roman and he wrestles.
Close up of Kimbo sitting on a couch. "I just want to fight again," he says. Yes, Kimbo. And every employee of SpikeTV from the executives on down to the night cleaning lady wants you to fight again, too.
Sims lets everyone know that he wants to make an impression by winning big or losing big, and though he'd prefer to win, he's not afraid to make a statement by losing. As an exclamation point, he stands up and flexes like a pro wrestler.
At the official weigh-ins Sims and Justin Wren strip down to their underwear, "underwear" a subjective term and in this instance a distant relative to the purple monstrosity and the butt-flosser we're forced to look at when Sims and Justin Wren step on the scale. Everyone hoots and hollers, including Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz.
And then it's fight time, and after the two engage along the cage and Justin Wren gets the takedown, Sims gets his wish re: making an impression. Thanks to an arm-triangle choke, the tall and goofy UFC vet is left unconscious on the canvas. It takes paramedics 20 minutes to revive him.
Just like in the last episode, coach Jackson refuses to come to the aid of his fallen fighter, and afterwards Evans confronts him in the hallway. "That's some crappy coaching-style you got there," he says.
Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz walk by. "Yeah, man," they say in unison. "You suck."
The end.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Chuck Liddell Booted from "Dancing with the Stars"; Door Now Open for "Chuck & Kate Plus 8"
Former UFC light-heavyweight champ Chuck Liddell reached the end of the line last night on "Dancing with the Stars", suffering a TKO at the hands of judges unappreciative of his ability - or lack thereof - to tango, do a two-step, breakdance and bust out with a Jitterbug. But all is not lost for the erstwhile MMA star. According to entertainment industry magazine "Variety", the "Iceman" has been fielding offers from a wealth of popular television shows, and may be taking over as the father of fraternal twins and sextuplets in the program formally known as "Jon & Kate Plus 8". "'Chuck & Kate Plus 8' is just one of the opportunities we're considering," said Liddell's agent, Larry Gershfeld. "Right now Chuck is hot. He can fight and he can dance, and people want to know what else he can do. Can he handle eight kids? Is he funny enough to be the last comic standing? Can he cook in Hell's Kitchen? Could he be America's next top model? I don't know, but if the money's right, the world is going to find out!" While it remains unclear when, and if, Liddell will return to MMA, one thing is certain: we haven't seen the last of the Iceman looking silly.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
New York Underground MMA Community to Counter November 7th CBS/Strikeforce with Two Shows
The war between Strikeforce and the New York underground MMA community is heating up, with two underground promotions going head to head against the November 7th Strikeforce show that's scheduled to be broadcast on CBS. "Scott Coker wants a war? I'll give him a war," said one of the promoters, who asked to keep his identity a secret. "Sure, people are going to want to watch Fedor fight Brett Rogers on TV, but they can record that and watch it later. We're going to have real live fights where if you sit close enough you'll get splattered with blood!" No further details have been released concerning the underground shows, such as who may be competing, although it is known that the Brooklyn event is slated for the afternoon while the Long Island event will take place at night. Stay tuned for more info as it becomes available.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Pennsylvania MMA Coverage
Pennsylvania's MMA scene has exploded thanks to the sport's legalization there, but alas, the Keystone State is way too far for me to drive. Thankfully, that's where www.MAMMA-Online.com comes in, a blog that specializes in fight shows in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Maryland and Delaware. Rock on, I say. Rock on.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Observations From My Couch: WEC 43
- What a war Ben Henderson and Don Cerrone had, eh? I had no problem with the judges' decision - Henderson took the first three rounds and Cerrone creamed him in the last two.
- Scott Jorgensen is very disconcerting.
- Rich Crunkilton dished it out to Dave Jansen. Whoever that judge was that scored it 30-27 in Jansen's favor not only smokes crack, but deals it from the passenger seat of their minivan.
- No freakin' way did Yves Jabouin win a single round against Rafael Assuncao. Whoever that judge was that scored it 30-27 in Jabouin's favor not only shoots heroin, but scores it from that sketchy homeless dude who sleeps under the bridge in the park.
- Who the hell is Mackens Semerzier and how the hell did he catch Wagnney Fabiano in a triangle choke?
- Damacio Page pretty much ate Will Campuzano for dinner.
Friday, October 9, 2009
This Week In Surprising News Headlines
Lots of news this week and most of it was surprising, so MMA Journalist has compiled a list of recent headlines - and added comments!
- "Junie Browning Flips Out, Tries to OD on Drugs and Assaults Hospital Staff" - No way! I never saw this coming. I mean, he seemed like such a stable guy and not white trash at all.
- "Junie Browning Fired By UFC" - What? Since when is substance abuse, arrest, mental instability and a violent rampage worthy of UFC termination?
- "Mark Coleman Injures Knee, Bows Out of UFC 106" - The aged wrestler Mark Coleman hurt his knee in training? Unpossible!
- "Japanese Ref Helps Japanese Fighter Win Japanese Event" - Say what? A Japanese organization not on the up-and-up? That's crazy talk.
- "Gina Carano to Appear Topless in Magazine" - Never in a million years would I have predicted this one. Never in a million years.
- "Urijah Faber Signs Multi-Fight Contract with Zuffa" - Pfft. Why on Earth would they want to keep the WEC's most popular fighter on the payroll? That makes no sense.
- "TUF Ratings Down Now That Kimbo Has Fought" - Really? That can't be. The strength of the show's concept and the magnetism of the remaining competitors should be more than enough to keep viewers coming back for more. Seriously. More than enough.
Predictions for WEC 43: "Does Anyone Really Care?"
Does anyone really care about the WEC scheduled for this Saturday night? I mean, other than the close friends and family of main event fighters Donald Cerrone and Ben Henderson (who no doubt were comped their tickets and will be given a special plastic wristband that allows them to eat from the crew's buffet), is anyone really excited for it? I've set my DVR to record it, but when I pressed the buttons on my remote, my TV asked "Are you serious? Why?" Anyway, predictions!
- Cerrone is going to out-strike Henderson on the feet with his keen Muay Thai and take advantage of him when it hits the ground. But midway through Round 2 the duo is going to pause, look around at the AT&T Center and realize the vast majority of the audience is preoccupied with their IPhones and BlackBerries. That's when Cerrone and Henderson will shake their heads, say "Screw this", and walk out.
- Dave Jansen is going to control Rich Crunkilton with superior grappling and work to secure a submission. When Crunkilton finally taps out, Jansen will rise, stick his hands in the air and exclaim "Yes!" The lifeless venue will echo with the sound of crickets.
- Rafael Assuncao will get Yves Jabouin down and begin to work his jiu-jitsu magic. The referee will halt the action temporarily when a lonely tumbleweed makes its way into the cage.
- Will Campuzano will lose to Damacio Page. But no one will ever know, because no one will have watched it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 4
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
Can a fight show survive after its earth-quaking Kimbo Slice wad has been shot and everyone, from producers to production assistants to cameramen to sound guys to fighters and coaches and athletic commission officials, are struck by the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette and see what's munchable in the fridge? Can the show go on? And will viewers have a reason to tune in?
Doubtful!
After an extended recap of Kimbo's noble and valiant effort against the evil Roy Nelson, we're treated to more of the former backyard brawler talking intimately with his TUF house roommate, Abe Wagner. "I don't feel like I've been eliminated," says Kimbo.
The battered Wagner - whose ass got stomped first this season and is now just counting down the days until he can go back home and manage that Walgreens - stares at him incredulously. "I think this is your coping mechanism for having lost," Wagner offers up, but if he says more, his words are lost once Kimbo starts flexing his biceps and stroking his beard, two actions that elicit "oohs" and "ahhhs" from the off-camera production crew.
Will Kimbo re-enter the competition? For that to happen, one of the remaining contestants must drop out, an idea that induces SpikeTV execs to begin stocking the TUF house with poisoned food in boxes labeled "NOT FOR KIMBO". But before any of the tainted food can be eaten, ex-NFL player Marcus Jones is stricken by a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON, a disease that suddenly drenches him in sweat and prompts Kimbo to perform CPR on him. At the prospect of Kimbo getting to fight again, cheers erupt from the crew, cheers that fade when Marcus Jones recovers.
"Let me step up," Kimbo says to the camera. "Tag me in and I'll guarantee SpikeTV so many viewers, the network's ad sales will get ridiculous." And outside, an executive in a three-piece suit hides in the bushes with a lead pipe, ready to kneecap the first fighter he sees.
At the TUF training center coach Rashad Evans is putting his wards through their paces. He begins to narrate, describing the fighters' strengths and abilities as if he were the leader of a commando unit and these were the soldiers chosen for the upcoming mission. "Justin Wren is a master of demolitions," he says. "He also likes long walks on the beach and can juggle while riding a unicycle." Cut to Brendan Cottonswab, who's lying on his stomach, carefully lining up thousands of dominoes. "Brendan is a sniper. He can also speak old Latin and once crocheted me a sweater out of saved pocket lint." The camera switches to Matt Minestrone. "Matt throws knives. He's also an Italian, tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice."
Coach Evans has his fighters join him and his staff in private to discuss their match-ups. Justin Wren is told he'll be facing his superbestbestfriend Scott Garbage. He initially says yes, but then changes his mind. "He's my superbestbestfriend," and Justin Wren lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a heart with the words "Scott Garbage - superbestbestfriend" in purple letters on his chest.
"That... is very weird," coach Evans admits.
Cut to coach Quinton Jackson. It's his turn to narrate while his fighters have their training montage. "Scott Garbage? He big," says Jackson. "Demico Rogers? He big, too." A series of clips of Marcus Jones stepping on bugs. "Marcus Jones?" says Jackson. "He very big." And that's that.
Back at the TUF house and Matt Minestrone blabs about the match-ups coach Evans has in mind. Somehow this is a big deal. Maybe because no one could've come up with these logical match-ups on their own, or maybe because there are so many fighters in the house and so many match-up permutations available that no one in a million years would've ever guessed that Fighter A would have to face Fighter B. Who knows. Anyway, Matt Minestrone's teammates give him grief about blabbing.
In coach Evans' den of unknown trainers, Matt Minestrone apologizes for letting the cat out of the bag. Evans' accepts his apology and dismisses him, but once Matt Minestrone leaves he ponders aloud, "Is he dumb?"
"No, he's just a tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice," says one of his assistants.
It's time to announce the match-up for the next fight, and coach Evans picks Brendan Cottonswab to face Demico Rogers. To prepare for the bout Brendan Cottonswab walks around the cage with one of the team's assistant coaches telling him how awesome he is. "You're so awesome," whispers the coach. "You're so awesome, you are the yardstick by which 'awesome' is measured. Go to Wikipedia and type in 'awesome' and it links to a picture of you. Dude, you are both 'awe' and 'some', which, when mixed together, makes a volatile elemental compound known as 'Awsm'. When you add water to 'Awsm', it explodes in pure 'awesome'."
On the Team Rampage side, assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden statue of a head - awesome, huh?) advises Demico Rogers to "explode all over his opponent's face." Sigh.
It's almost fight time now, and in the Team Rashad locker room there's hooting and hollering and Brendan Cottonswab is showered with streamers while chicks in bikinis sing karaoke. In Demico Rogers' locker room, coach Jackson is nowhere to be found. Instead, they sit around gloomy and morose, reading old 'Sandman' comic books.
Then they fight. Demico Rogers takes the reins initially with a takedown and some ground and pound, passes guard to drop more leather, and gets greedy and tries to attain mount. Brendan Cottonswab reverses him, slips on an Anaconda Choke and taps him out. Demico Rogers is distraught, and remains on his knees with his head bowed in the Octagon. Coach Jackson ignores him, or perhaps forgets that he's actually one of the coaches this season, so Evans kneels down and consoles the defeated warrior.
Afterwards, Jackson gathers his staff in a room. "Guys, I don't feel so good. We keep losing."
"Really?" says Tiki-Tiki-Head. "There's a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON going around. Maybe you have it."
The end.
Can a fight show survive after its earth-quaking Kimbo Slice wad has been shot and everyone, from producers to production assistants to cameramen to sound guys to fighters and coaches and athletic commission officials, are struck by the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette and see what's munchable in the fridge? Can the show go on? And will viewers have a reason to tune in?
Doubtful!
After an extended recap of Kimbo's noble and valiant effort against the evil Roy Nelson, we're treated to more of the former backyard brawler talking intimately with his TUF house roommate, Abe Wagner. "I don't feel like I've been eliminated," says Kimbo.
The battered Wagner - whose ass got stomped first this season and is now just counting down the days until he can go back home and manage that Walgreens - stares at him incredulously. "I think this is your coping mechanism for having lost," Wagner offers up, but if he says more, his words are lost once Kimbo starts flexing his biceps and stroking his beard, two actions that elicit "oohs" and "ahhhs" from the off-camera production crew.
Will Kimbo re-enter the competition? For that to happen, one of the remaining contestants must drop out, an idea that induces SpikeTV execs to begin stocking the TUF house with poisoned food in boxes labeled "NOT FOR KIMBO". But before any of the tainted food can be eaten, ex-NFL player Marcus Jones is stricken by a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON, a disease that suddenly drenches him in sweat and prompts Kimbo to perform CPR on him. At the prospect of Kimbo getting to fight again, cheers erupt from the crew, cheers that fade when Marcus Jones recovers.
"Let me step up," Kimbo says to the camera. "Tag me in and I'll guarantee SpikeTV so many viewers, the network's ad sales will get ridiculous." And outside, an executive in a three-piece suit hides in the bushes with a lead pipe, ready to kneecap the first fighter he sees.
At the TUF training center coach Rashad Evans is putting his wards through their paces. He begins to narrate, describing the fighters' strengths and abilities as if he were the leader of a commando unit and these were the soldiers chosen for the upcoming mission. "Justin Wren is a master of demolitions," he says. "He also likes long walks on the beach and can juggle while riding a unicycle." Cut to Brendan Cottonswab, who's lying on his stomach, carefully lining up thousands of dominoes. "Brendan is a sniper. He can also speak old Latin and once crocheted me a sweater out of saved pocket lint." The camera switches to Matt Minestrone. "Matt throws knives. He's also an Italian, tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice."
Coach Evans has his fighters join him and his staff in private to discuss their match-ups. Justin Wren is told he'll be facing his superbestbestfriend Scott Garbage. He initially says yes, but then changes his mind. "He's my superbestbestfriend," and Justin Wren lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a heart with the words "Scott Garbage - superbestbestfriend" in purple letters on his chest.
"That... is very weird," coach Evans admits.
Cut to coach Quinton Jackson. It's his turn to narrate while his fighters have their training montage. "Scott Garbage? He big," says Jackson. "Demico Rogers? He big, too." A series of clips of Marcus Jones stepping on bugs. "Marcus Jones?" says Jackson. "He very big." And that's that.
Back at the TUF house and Matt Minestrone blabs about the match-ups coach Evans has in mind. Somehow this is a big deal. Maybe because no one could've come up with these logical match-ups on their own, or maybe because there are so many fighters in the house and so many match-up permutations available that no one in a million years would've ever guessed that Fighter A would have to face Fighter B. Who knows. Anyway, Matt Minestrone's teammates give him grief about blabbing.
In coach Evans' den of unknown trainers, Matt Minestrone apologizes for letting the cat out of the bag. Evans' accepts his apology and dismisses him, but once Matt Minestrone leaves he ponders aloud, "Is he dumb?"
"No, he's just a tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice," says one of his assistants.
It's time to announce the match-up for the next fight, and coach Evans picks Brendan Cottonswab to face Demico Rogers. To prepare for the bout Brendan Cottonswab walks around the cage with one of the team's assistant coaches telling him how awesome he is. "You're so awesome," whispers the coach. "You're so awesome, you are the yardstick by which 'awesome' is measured. Go to Wikipedia and type in 'awesome' and it links to a picture of you. Dude, you are both 'awe' and 'some', which, when mixed together, makes a volatile elemental compound known as 'Awsm'. When you add water to 'Awsm', it explodes in pure 'awesome'."
On the Team Rampage side, assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden statue of a head - awesome, huh?) advises Demico Rogers to "explode all over his opponent's face." Sigh.
It's almost fight time now, and in the Team Rashad locker room there's hooting and hollering and Brendan Cottonswab is showered with streamers while chicks in bikinis sing karaoke. In Demico Rogers' locker room, coach Jackson is nowhere to be found. Instead, they sit around gloomy and morose, reading old 'Sandman' comic books.
Then they fight. Demico Rogers takes the reins initially with a takedown and some ground and pound, passes guard to drop more leather, and gets greedy and tries to attain mount. Brendan Cottonswab reverses him, slips on an Anaconda Choke and taps him out. Demico Rogers is distraught, and remains on his knees with his head bowed in the Octagon. Coach Jackson ignores him, or perhaps forgets that he's actually one of the coaches this season, so Evans kneels down and consoles the defeated warrior.
Afterwards, Jackson gathers his staff in a room. "Guys, I don't feel so good. We keep losing."
"Really?" says Tiki-Tiki-Head. "There's a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON going around. Maybe you have it."
The end.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
CBS To Promote November 7th Strikeforce Show With Telepathy, Astral Projection
In lieu of commercials, print ads and other commonly used methods of marketing, CBS has to decided to promote their November 7th Strikeforce event via telepathic means, according to an astrally projected press release circulated today. The event, which will feature heavyweight top dog Fedor Emelianenko versus Brett Rogers on live television, has thus far had zero promotional support from the Tiffany Network - much to the chagrin of MMA fans and observers alike. But today's astrally projected release seems to go a long way towards allaying any fears that CBS isn't completely behind the event or that they're setting Strikeforce up to fail. "We at CBS are firmly committed to giving this momentous fight show the push it deserves," said a network spokesperson who appeared in the dreams of dozens of sports writers. "In the coming weeks, a legion of telepaths will be broadcasting their positive Fedor Emelianenko thoughts to the world, and come November 7th, just about anyone with a TV set will have the uncontrollable urge to tune in." Though it's unclear how effective this method of advertising is, it's comforting to know CBS is at least doing something.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
There's a WEC This Saturday. No, Really, There Is.
Believe or not, there's a WEC this Saturday. No, really, there is. Surprising, huh? Donald Cerrone and Ben Henderson are headlining, with the winner earning himself an interim lightweight championship belt, and the undercard features such world-renown superstars as Rich Crunkilton, Damacio Page and Rafael Assuncao - names so big most fans shudder at their mere utterance. Wait, what's that? What does any of this have to do with Kimbo Slice's pre-recorded bout from three months ago or Chuck Liddell doing the tango like a spaz? Absolutely nothing... which is probably why the Zuffa-owned promotion has gotten zero push and less than zero media attention. And that just begs the question: why bother? Why bother having this lackluster event when not even Youngstown, Ohio cared enough to by a single ticket when it was supposed to happen there? And why bother having someone other the organization's "big" names (like Urijah Faber, Mike Brown or even Jens Pulver) fight when no one outside of the hardcore fan would even know who Cerrone and Henderson are? I honestly don't know, but if you have an answer, email it to mma_journalist@yahoo.com . Enquiring minds want to know.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ultimate Warrior Challenge 7 Pics
Looks like UFC vet Clay Guida and WEC champ Jamie Varner were in attendance, and Mike Easton wore Chase Beebe like a sweater. Credit goes to Jake Blanton for the outstanding pics.
Ultimate Warrior Challenge 7 Review
Intrepid reporter Adam Butterworth and ace photog Jake Blanton were on hand to cover Saturday night's UWC 7 in Fairfax, Virginia. How badly was Chase Beebe robbed? Which fight was the best? Can the Virginia athletic commission ever be trusted again? Here's what Adam had to say: "The best card ever at the UWC produced some great fights, devastating knockouts, some close decisions, and one decision I wouldn't even call questionable - it was comical.
Speed knockout of the night goes to the ever-improving Kris 'Savage' McCray, who ended previously undefeated Igor Almeida's night in 49 seconds with a brutal mix of stand-up and wrestling. Yes, a lot of skills showed in a short time frame. Another devastating knockout was delivered by Kyle 'I need another nickname besides Alley Cat' Baker, who devastated a tough, heavy-handed Tommy Truex with body shots. 'Balboa' is a much better nickname in my opinion - just look at his face and the way he fights. He chops his victims down like Rocky and I think I may have heard him cry 'Adrian' after the fight. I can't wait to watch him fight again.
Ryan 'The Rhino' Sturdy sure lived up to his last name but never should have been sent out for Round 3 as Timothy 'Rashad' Woods took him to Poundtown for two rounds and he could barely walk due to 14,754 brutal leg kicks. Woods is a monster and could have finished the fight earlier, but appeared to respect the Rhino's power and stayed at range. 'Tick Tock' McClintock has serious skills and totally outclassed the other (also very tough) Baker brother.
Not worth noting are the judges, who were either 1) drunk, 2) paid off, 3) bitter at Chase Beebe for skipping his last fight at the 11th hour, or 4) bitter at Chase Beebe for showing his ass crack all night. Easton fought hard as always, landed some nice kicks and a few punches, but spent 15 minutes with a world-class wrestler on his back. I don't think choke-out-avoidance wins a title match.
Fight of the night was Dodson versus Runez. Dodson is one of the most entertaining and skilled fighters in the sport. And while he often brings on boos for dancing around the ring, his footwork is amazing. Runez, after getting caught and nearly finished, showed some tremendous conditioning and won the last three rounds. I was exhausted simply watching this fight - these guys never stopped.
Reported crowd was under 5,000, which I think is the second largest for the UWC at the Patriot Center. With more cards like this, the crowds should keep getting bigger."
Speed knockout of the night goes to the ever-improving Kris 'Savage' McCray, who ended previously undefeated Igor Almeida's night in 49 seconds with a brutal mix of stand-up and wrestling. Yes, a lot of skills showed in a short time frame. Another devastating knockout was delivered by Kyle 'I need another nickname besides Alley Cat' Baker, who devastated a tough, heavy-handed Tommy Truex with body shots. 'Balboa' is a much better nickname in my opinion - just look at his face and the way he fights. He chops his victims down like Rocky and I think I may have heard him cry 'Adrian' after the fight. I can't wait to watch him fight again.
Ryan 'The Rhino' Sturdy sure lived up to his last name but never should have been sent out for Round 3 as Timothy 'Rashad' Woods took him to Poundtown for two rounds and he could barely walk due to 14,754 brutal leg kicks. Woods is a monster and could have finished the fight earlier, but appeared to respect the Rhino's power and stayed at range. 'Tick Tock' McClintock has serious skills and totally outclassed the other (also very tough) Baker brother.
Not worth noting are the judges, who were either 1) drunk, 2) paid off, 3) bitter at Chase Beebe for skipping his last fight at the 11th hour, or 4) bitter at Chase Beebe for showing his ass crack all night. Easton fought hard as always, landed some nice kicks and a few punches, but spent 15 minutes with a world-class wrestler on his back. I don't think choke-out-avoidance wins a title match.
Fight of the night was Dodson versus Runez. Dodson is one of the most entertaining and skilled fighters in the sport. And while he often brings on boos for dancing around the ring, his footwork is amazing. Runez, after getting caught and nearly finished, showed some tremendous conditioning and won the last three rounds. I was exhausted simply watching this fight - these guys never stopped.
Reported crowd was under 5,000, which I think is the second largest for the UWC at the Patriot Center. With more cards like this, the crowds should keep getting bigger."
December KAPMMA Show to Feature Kung Fu vs. Karate Bout
Karriem Abdallah, the man behind KAPMMA, has announced another installment in his amateur championship series. The date is December 18th and the venue is Essex County College in Newark, and if the idea of checking out some amateur MMA bouts isn't enough of an enticement, then maybe the promised "kung fu vs. karate" superfight is enough to rope you in. Novell Bell, aka "the Black Taoist", will be repping the kung fu half of the equation, with Sensei Mo representing the karate half. I have no idea who Sensei Mo is, but Bell appeared on the ill-fated BET show "The Iron Ring" as some sort of guest instructor. Does he truly possess the right traditional martial arts techniques to foil those moves that might occur in an MMA bout? Can he stop a takedown with his chi? Or will he and Sensei Mo just start busting out katas until referee Donny Carolei gets frustrated and clobbers them both with a fire extinguisher? Stay tuned!
New Generation Karate Came To Vermont, Saw, and Kicked Ass
Long Island-based American Freestyle/New Generation Karate's journey up to Vermont to compete at the Caged Rage MMA show this past weekend resulted in another sweep by the up-and-coming fight team. UCL veteran Chris Corr racked up another win, this time securing a guillotine in the first round, while Eric Blasich nailed a 46-second rear naked choke and Will Lucas won via unanimous decision. How was the event itself? Says Rudy Luna of American Freestyle: "Run very well. Great crowd. Weigh-ins at the local Harley Davidson store with the rock radio station doing a live show. Nice cage. Impressive." Congrats again to the UCL Away Team!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Underground Road Trip
A number of UCL veterans, including members of the American Freestyle/New Generation Karate fight team, are en route to Vermont to compete at Saturday's Caged Rage MMA show in Essex Junction. This isn't the first time the promotion has fielded a few UCLers, and it's actually not that uncommon for representatives from other organizations to exchange fighters (in fact, at one point the Empire State Warriors Challenge wanted to take on the UCL's best to see who had the better underground competitors). This time around Chris Coor and Eric Blasich are going to be throwing down, with Coor actually taking on a KOTC vet. MMA Journalist won't be making the trip, but I certainly wish them luck. Kick ass guys!
Mike Easton to Crush Chase Beebe at UWC 7 This Weekend
The long-awaited bout between Ultimate Warrior Challenge 135-pound champ Mike Easton and WEC veteran Chase Beebe will finally happen this weekend at UWC 7: "Redemption" in Fairfax, Virginia, with Easton likely crushing the Midwesterner like a bug scurrying across a kitchen floor. Sadly, it's a fight that should've happened months ago. As some may recall, this match-up was originally slated for last February, but a sudden injury to his vagina had Beebe no-showing, and fighting - and losing - in a DREAM tournament weeks later (click here for a walk down Memory Lane: http://mmajournalist.blogspot.com/2009/02/chase-beebe-suffers-vagina-injury.html). Anyway, let's hope Beebe has recovered enough to at least give Easton a decent fight. The rest of the UWC 7 card looks great, with usual suspects Kyle and Beau Baker, Reshad Woods, Kris McCray and female fighter Iman Achhal all back for more. MMA Journalist will have correspondents on hand to check out the event, so stay tuned for more coverage.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 3
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
Kimbo Slice is going to face off against Roy Nelson in the Octagon - let the damage control begin!
Fade in to the TUF House, to Kimbo relaxed on a bed and waxing poetic to his teammate Abe Wagner about life, love and facial hair. "My beard is actually named Kimbo, yo," he says. "My real name is Kevin Ferguson, but everyone assumes Kimbo Slice is my alias." He shakes his head, his white Muslim skullcap moving back and forth on his Charlie Brown pillow atop Snoopy bedsheets. "My beard is the one named Kimbo Slice. We're like two different entities. It's even got its own Social Security number. Know what I'm sayin'?"
Abe Wagner looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"
Kimbo, this time alone, speaks of existentialism. Of the duality of man. He kneels beside his bed and prays, then talks of the world being his enemy. His "inner me" being the enemy. The world needing an enema. Himself needing an enema. Of Def Leppard's 1987 single "Animal". The world needing rock anthems. Himself worshipping the Egyptian god Anubis.
The cameraman steps in front of the camera, stares into the lens and mouths the words "What the fuck?"
Cut to the housemates ruminating on what a great fight Kimbo vs. Nelson will be, and how it could be on pay-per-view. From behind a closed door Nelson can be heard weeping at paydays lost and all-you-can-eat buffets gone untouched. "Goddamn TUF contract..."
At the TUF training center Team Rashad talks of their great strides with Nelson, and how he at first resisted the infamous "nipple tweak" fans often witness a Greg Jackson-trained fighter doing before he charges into battle. But they've broken down Nelson's barriers, these coaches who know one knows, and now Nelson will tweak his nipples freely and fervently.
Keith Jardine, Coach Rashad Evans' mate from New Mexico, shows up to shake hands and steal gym supplies. Evans greets him with affection, tweaking his nipples and directing him to Quinton Jackson in some misguided attempt at mind games (Jardine lost to Jackson when they fought at UFC 96 - how is that supposed to mess with Jackson?). Regardless, more jovial words are exchanged between the two coaches, soft insults wrapped in smirks and grins, no doubt prompted by Dana White offscreen, who must remind Evans and Jackson daily that they're supposed to generate heat and conflict for this season or else they'll end up with an audience indifferent to their pairing (like last season's Dan Henderson/Michael Bisping escapade). At that point Evans' other mate, Brit James McSweeney, chimes in, but no one understands him and his words are lost.
Back to Kimbo, who is training hard-ish for his upcoming bout. Assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - crazy, huh?) instructs the former backyard brawler on the finer points of having bigger men hug you and lie on top of you, and implores Kimbo to "do whatever comes natural." At that, Kimbo - mounted by a teammate - reaches into his waistband and pulls out a handgun. He fires four shots into the teammate's stomach. "Excellent! Great job!" says Tiki-Tiki-Head.
Kimbo's wounded teammate, guts in hand, looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"
In a set-up for the next or perhaps future episodes, we're introduced to another ex-NFL player. He likes flowers. Also, his knee hurts. Could he be bow out of the competition to allow someone who lost another chance? Stay tuned!
As Kimbo's perspective has dominated the airtime of this episode, it's time for a little back story on his foe, IFL heavyweight champ Nelson. "My name is Roy Nel-" And then the camera goes back to Kimbo, stating why he believes his beard deserves a Nobel Prize.
Fight time, and Rampage has shaved his head so his hairstyle mimics that of his fighter. Kimbo's beard growls. Nelson, meanwhile, seems a little peeved the cameramen have been swarming around Kimbo like flies on a chocolate cake. Other than Jacob "Stitch" Duran doing a quick sketch with crayons, the rotund Nelson has gotten zero attention.
"I'm so excited for this fight," says Dana White. "On the one hand, Kimbo sucks - like I said when he was fighting for other promotions. But on the other hand, he's the greatest fighter that ever lived. Especially now that he's a UFC employee."
And then it's on. From their corner, Team Rampage shouts vital instructions and advice, like "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" or "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" But Kimbo ignores them, instead opting to lie on his back with Nelson's gigantic belly in his face, Nelson all the while patting him gently on the head. This goes on well into the second round (as Kimbo is unable to reach the handgun tucked into his waistband with Nelson pinning his arms), and finally referee Herb Dean Jellybean has seen enough. The best, most experienced fighter in the TUF House has won via TKO.
Dana White rises to his feet, applauding. "That was fantastic! Kimbo Slice looked like a warrior, and I can't wait for him to headline a UFC pay-per-view!"
And the entire cast and crew turn to the camera and simultaneously mouth "What the fuck?"
Kimbo Slice is going to face off against Roy Nelson in the Octagon - let the damage control begin!
Fade in to the TUF House, to Kimbo relaxed on a bed and waxing poetic to his teammate Abe Wagner about life, love and facial hair. "My beard is actually named Kimbo, yo," he says. "My real name is Kevin Ferguson, but everyone assumes Kimbo Slice is my alias." He shakes his head, his white Muslim skullcap moving back and forth on his Charlie Brown pillow atop Snoopy bedsheets. "My beard is the one named Kimbo Slice. We're like two different entities. It's even got its own Social Security number. Know what I'm sayin'?"
Abe Wagner looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"
Kimbo, this time alone, speaks of existentialism. Of the duality of man. He kneels beside his bed and prays, then talks of the world being his enemy. His "inner me" being the enemy. The world needing an enema. Himself needing an enema. Of Def Leppard's 1987 single "Animal". The world needing rock anthems. Himself worshipping the Egyptian god Anubis.
The cameraman steps in front of the camera, stares into the lens and mouths the words "What the fuck?"
Cut to the housemates ruminating on what a great fight Kimbo vs. Nelson will be, and how it could be on pay-per-view. From behind a closed door Nelson can be heard weeping at paydays lost and all-you-can-eat buffets gone untouched. "Goddamn TUF contract..."
At the TUF training center Team Rashad talks of their great strides with Nelson, and how he at first resisted the infamous "nipple tweak" fans often witness a Greg Jackson-trained fighter doing before he charges into battle. But they've broken down Nelson's barriers, these coaches who know one knows, and now Nelson will tweak his nipples freely and fervently.
Keith Jardine, Coach Rashad Evans' mate from New Mexico, shows up to shake hands and steal gym supplies. Evans greets him with affection, tweaking his nipples and directing him to Quinton Jackson in some misguided attempt at mind games (Jardine lost to Jackson when they fought at UFC 96 - how is that supposed to mess with Jackson?). Regardless, more jovial words are exchanged between the two coaches, soft insults wrapped in smirks and grins, no doubt prompted by Dana White offscreen, who must remind Evans and Jackson daily that they're supposed to generate heat and conflict for this season or else they'll end up with an audience indifferent to their pairing (like last season's Dan Henderson/Michael Bisping escapade). At that point Evans' other mate, Brit James McSweeney, chimes in, but no one understands him and his words are lost.
Back to Kimbo, who is training hard-ish for his upcoming bout. Assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - crazy, huh?) instructs the former backyard brawler on the finer points of having bigger men hug you and lie on top of you, and implores Kimbo to "do whatever comes natural." At that, Kimbo - mounted by a teammate - reaches into his waistband and pulls out a handgun. He fires four shots into the teammate's stomach. "Excellent! Great job!" says Tiki-Tiki-Head.
Kimbo's wounded teammate, guts in hand, looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"
In a set-up for the next or perhaps future episodes, we're introduced to another ex-NFL player. He likes flowers. Also, his knee hurts. Could he be bow out of the competition to allow someone who lost another chance? Stay tuned!
As Kimbo's perspective has dominated the airtime of this episode, it's time for a little back story on his foe, IFL heavyweight champ Nelson. "My name is Roy Nel-" And then the camera goes back to Kimbo, stating why he believes his beard deserves a Nobel Prize.
Fight time, and Rampage has shaved his head so his hairstyle mimics that of his fighter. Kimbo's beard growls. Nelson, meanwhile, seems a little peeved the cameramen have been swarming around Kimbo like flies on a chocolate cake. Other than Jacob "Stitch" Duran doing a quick sketch with crayons, the rotund Nelson has gotten zero attention.
"I'm so excited for this fight," says Dana White. "On the one hand, Kimbo sucks - like I said when he was fighting for other promotions. But on the other hand, he's the greatest fighter that ever lived. Especially now that he's a UFC employee."
And then it's on. From their corner, Team Rampage shouts vital instructions and advice, like "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" or "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" But Kimbo ignores them, instead opting to lie on his back with Nelson's gigantic belly in his face, Nelson all the while patting him gently on the head. This goes on well into the second round (as Kimbo is unable to reach the handgun tucked into his waistband with Nelson pinning his arms), and finally referee Herb Dean Jellybean has seen enough. The best, most experienced fighter in the TUF House has won via TKO.
Dana White rises to his feet, applauding. "That was fantastic! Kimbo Slice looked like a warrior, and I can't wait for him to headline a UFC pay-per-view!"
And the entire cast and crew turn to the camera and simultaneously mouth "What the fuck?"
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