Woo! Somehow, the statistically improbable has happened. This week there are no UFCs on pay-per-view, SpikeTV or Versus, there's no Strikeforces on CBS or Showtime, and there's no Bellators on Nickelodeon or PBS or whatever channel it's usually on. In other words, no news! But fear not, for your dear friend Mitch has combed the Internet for some worthy headlines to bite, chew on, swallow and vomit up.
- "UFC Champs Georges St. Pierre and Frankie Edgar Fail to Win ESP Awards" - Really? There's awards for that? And isn't it sort of good that St. Pierre and Edgar didn't win them? I mean, being two of the best fighters in the world is one thing, but being a badass telepath or clairvoyant on top of that would be way too much. They'd be, like, superheroes or something.
- "Tim Kennedy to Face Ronaldo 'Jacare' Souza for Strikeforce Middleweight Title" - Stop me if I'm wrong, but an eight-man tournament to crown a 185-pound champ should involve more than two people. Right? I think Scott Coker needs some serious math tutoring.
- "Upcoming Bellator and Strikeforce Tournaments to Feature Every Female That's Ever Fought MMA Anywhere" - Uh, yay? Maybe? I kid. I love female MMA bouts. But it's really unfair when they make all those women fight that Cyborg dude.
- "WEC Champ Jose Aldo to Defend Belt Against Manny Gamburyan" - "Do you know who I am, bro?" Oops, sorry. Wrong short, hairy Armenian.
- "Shinya Aoki Defeats Tatsuya Kawajiri at DREAM 15 with Vicious Submission" - You know, these Japanese fighters are really good at kicking each other's asses. Too bad their best guys get crushed when they compete against Americans here in the States.
- "M-1 Global Closes Offices in Wake of Fedor Loss" - Seriously, was Fedor's win bonus supposed to go towards rent? Are they living paycheck to paycheck or something? I can see it now: Vadim Finkelstein is going to make Fedor wait tables for extra dough.