Monday, August 2, 2010

The Greatest Collection of Chael Sonnen Quotes of All Time

He is either a genius when it comes to public relations and hyping a fight, or he’s a certifiable whacko.  That’s right, I’m talking about Chael Sonnen, who’s managed to claw his way up the middleweight rankings to earn a shot at champ Anderson Silva at this weekend’s UFC 117, all while spewing enough xenophobic vitriol to make their impending bout pretty damn compelling.  But is Sonnen just a straight-shooter?  A male Sarah Palin who makes his living with fists instead of votes?  Or are his words carefully chosen to inflame?  Read this hearty collection of some of Sonnen’s best quotes and decide for yourself!

    • “Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter.  And may their first child be a masculine child.”
    • “Okay, let me tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is about.  It’s all about this cooze who’s a regular %$&@ machine.”
    • “Jabba, this is your last chance.  Free us, or die.”
    • “A census taker once tried to test me.  I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
    • “In three years, Cyberdyne will become the largest supplier of military computer systems.  All stealth bombers are upgraded with Cyberdyne computers, becoming fully unmanned.  Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record.  The Skynet Funding Bill is passed.  The system goes online on August 4th, 1997.  Human decisions are removed from strategic defense.  Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate.  It becomes self-aware at 2:14 AM, Eastern Time, August 29th.  In a panic, they try to pull the plug.”
    • “Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”
    • “I am the Keymaster to Gozer the Traveler.  He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms.  During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torg!  Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor!  Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”
    • “That’s right.  I’ve killed women and children.  I’ve killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another.  And I’m here to kill you, Little Bill, for what you did to Ned.”

Observations From My Couch: "Ultimate Pride Never Die!"

    • I didn’t care if Takanori Gomi won or lost going into that fight, but damn was it nice to see such a sweet KO.  I hope Gomi keeps knocking them out of the park.
    • Why the hell was Tyson Griffin bitching about that stoppage?  Gomi was about six seconds away from removing his shorts and sodomizing him, and the only one capable of preventing that was the referee.
    • Jake Ellenberger and John Howard had a pretty decent OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT HORRIFYING EYE!
    • Charles Oliveira is smoov.  Smoov like butta.
    • Apparently, losing to Chael Sonnen was the best thing that could’ve happened to Yushin Okami.  The dude is exciting now.
    • I wouldn’t call what Jon Jones did to Vladimir Matyushenko “domination” as much as I’d call it “one man completely owning another man in such dramatic fashion that Vladdy must now address Jones as ‘Sir’ or ‘Master’.”