Friday, December 4, 2009
Once again a season of TUF draws to a close, and once again viewers are stricken with a profound sense of loss. Loss at having wasted time watching the damn show, that is. Yeah, yeah, Kimbo Slice was compelling, and there was thankfully very little white-trash or gay antics peppered throughout like bits of broken glass in a bowl of pork fried rice. But still, the show is stale. Does anyone even remember who fought besides Roy Nelson, Brendan Schaub, Kimbo and maybe Marcus Jones? No! No one was memorable and nothing happened that was interesting. Anyway, the TUF 10 live finale is on SpikeTV on Saturday, so… predictions!
- To prepare for his match-up against the portly Nelson, Schaub has been focusing on conditioning, cardio and striking. To prepare for Schaub, Nelson ate an entire moose, including the horns. Nelson via TKO.
- Kimbo is facing Houston Alexander. They’re going to throw bombs, and end up with the first double-knockout in Octagon history.
- Matt Hamill is going to outpoint Jon Jones. He will not, however, hear Bruce Buffer declare him the winner.
- Frankie Edgar via summers at the Jersey Shore, driving around in a tricked out Iroc-Z with massive amounts of gel in his hair and hours and hours of time spent in a tanning booth.
- Marcus Jones against Matt Mitrione? The most likeable TUF 10er against the most hated? Jones by limb-rending submission, and then he’s going to weep from the depths of his heart over the violence.
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
It's the last episode of the season - hooray! It's two hours long - hooray! It's jam-packed with fights - hooray! And it's at times pointless - boo!
Zoom in on the tail-end of Dana White's traditional profanity-ridden speech about career options and each man looking into his own heart and discerning just what it is he wants to do for a living. Why is Dana giving this speech? Did a fighter drop out? Does someone need to fill in for someone else, thereby earning themselves another shot at glory? No. Dana just likes giving this speech, apparently.
Then it's time for Dana and Kimbo Slice to talk. There's no slot for Kimbo to step into, no vacant position for him to come in and swing for the fences while sucking in viewers like a gargantuan ratings Hoover vacuum. No, Dana just wants to know if Kimbo is willing to fight. Now. For no reason at all. Just frickin' fight.
"Uh, my knee…" says Kimbo sheepishly.
"Ha!" exclaims Dana. "A real fighter would want to risk injury to fight for nothing on a stupid reality show you're ultimately getting paid zero for taking part in! You suck!"
"I made 700,000 bucks for my last fight on CBS," Kimbo replies.
Meanwhile, Matt Minestrone calls his doctor and says that he's clearing himself to fight. "My brain cancer is cured," says Matt Minestrone.
"Stop calling me," says the doctor.
Scott Garbage, unfortunately, is seriously injured. Specifically, since his war with Matt Minestrone, his eyeball keeps falling out, and it must be held in place with Scotch tape. Sporting wrap-around Terminator shades, he says to the camera, "The doctor says I may never fight again."
Cue sad violin music.
Marcus Jones hears the sad violin music and is severely affected by it, so much so that when he arrives at the TUF training center he gets in Matt Minestrone's face. "I hear sad music so I am going to crush you," says Marcus Jones, but everyone - despite their abject fear of the behemoth - pulls Marcus Jones away and calms him down.
"It's just music," coach Jackson says to him. "You have to ignore it. I hear voices, and I usually ignore them."
But false alarm! Scott Garbage is okay now! The doctor has somehow miraculously healed him!
Cue joyful accordion music.
Marcus Jones hears the joyful accordion music and begins dancing a polka, his massive frame hopping around gleefully.
Then it's fight time, with James "I cant understand this guy - I think he's British" McSweeney taking on Matt Minestrone. We didn't get a lot of James McSweeney this season, and whatever we did get was incoherent ramblings about periwinkle blue caravans and "dahgs", so now it's his time to shine. And he does, dispatching the big, walking, talking can of Italian tomato-based soup with assorted vegetables with a first-round guillotine choke.
Then it's time for Marcus Jones to face Darrill Spoonodor. Darrill Spoonodor has never lost before, but weeks of sexual harrassment and groping by coach Jackson has left him fragile. Marcus Jones takes him down and hits him in the face repeatedly, so much so that Darrill Spoonodor's head bursts open like a overripe watermelon tossed from a speeding truck.
"Titties…?" says coach Jackson, standing forlorn over Darrill Spoonodor's splattered form.
Dana White announces the final match-ups, and it will be Roy "Big Country Fried Steak" Nelson against James McSweeney and Brendan Cottonswab against Marcus Jones.
At this point a TUF producer leans in and whispers into coach Jackson and Evans' ears. The words "hype" and "sell your fight" and "what the hell are we paying you for?" can be heard. So Jackson and Evans get in each other's faces, trading "Yo Momma" barbs and grinning and posturing. Yawn.
And now, for the coveted gay males age 18-65 demographic, comes a prank, with Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head is a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. God, just leave me alone.) and Jackson painting Team Rashad's warm-up room pink, filling it with stuffed animals and hanging a disco ball.
Cue ABBA music.
Uh oh. With the competition nearing its end, the teasing of Zak Jensen is reaching a fevered pitch. First James McSweeney writes on his head with a magic marker, then he blocks his exit from the bathroom with some open drawers. Zak Jensen flips! Oh the fists are flying, each one thrown with all the skill and aplomb of a plucky fifth grader with thick-rimmed glasses, sick and tired of all the wedgies and the days spent stuffed in a locker. James McSweeney gets the better of Zak Jensen, though, and he defuses the situation by putting Zak Jensen down on all fours and raping him. The bigger man's rage diminishes into whimpers.
It's time for James McSweeney to fight Roy Nelson, and karma is indeed a bitch, with Nelson wasting no time getting the Brit down and smothering him with his belly. Afterwards, when the referee pulls Roy Nelson off, James McSweeney is seen coughing, and he eventually pukes up the hoagie that Roy Nelson ate for lunch.
And then it's the final fight, with Marcus Jones getting Brendan Cottonswab down and going to work on top of him. Oh no, what will Brendan Cottonswab do? Not lose his cool, it looks like, and he escapes to get back to the feet and stun the bigger, scarier man. The follow-up punches seal the deal and Brendan Cottonswab is victorious. The final TUF 10 match-up to decide who is the "Ultimate Not Kimbo": Roy Nelson versus Brendan Cottonswab.
And we're done.