Friday, July 31, 2009

A Collection of News Haiku

  • Dana says he wants/Fedor in the UFC./Also, the man's soul.
  • Tito is back. Um,/does anyone really care?/I sure as hell don't.
  • Belfort will return/to the Octagon. Now that/is worth applauding.
  • This week the press got/played by Zuffa like a horn./So what else is new?
  • Jay Hieron to Strikeforce/to face Nick Diaz for title./All hail Scott Coker!
  • Vadim Finkelstein - /Isn't that a funny name?/Go on, just say it.
  • Barnett's B sample/came back positive. Guess that means/he's a damn juicer.

Predictions for Affliction: "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizzaro World.)

Affliction's third show is tomorrow night, and the world waits with bated breath to see how "Trilogy" will play out. Will Fedor meet his match in Josh Barnett? Is Gegard Mousasi ready for the likes of Babalu? Is Dana White ready to eat his words for saying Affliction was a doomed piece of crap? Here are some predictions!
  • Fedor and Barnett will wage a war of epic proportions. The Russian will prevail, but based on his performance and seemingly limitless heart, Barnett will be hailed as a hero for his courageous effort.
  • Renato Sobral will have his hands full with Mousasi, yet he'll find the sub in later rounds.
  • Vitor Belfort will do to Jorge Santiago exactly what Chris Leben did, i.e., knock him silly.
  • Deividas Taurosevicius will submit Mark Hominick so fast, Canada will revoke Hominick's citizenship.
  • Chris Horodecki will cling to the ropes in a panic. Unable to get the little rascal down, Dan Lauzon will instead submit him right there with a standing rear naked choke. Horodecki will fall unconscious, but not before uttering "Mommy!"
  • Gilbert Yvel will attempt to eye-gouge Paul Buentello, but will only succeed in getting his finger stuck in Buentello's burrito. And by "burrito", I mean a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling of meat, rice, refried beans, pico de gallo and cheese - which Buentello carries around with him at all times.
  • Affliction will announce that it will never die. Ever. It will be around until the end of time.

Fred Ettish To Return To Fighting on August 15th

UFC 2 veteran Fred Ettish will return to mixed martial arts competition on August 15th at a small show in Minnesota - a newsworthy tidbit because Ettish is 0-1, 53-years-old and a well-respected member of the MMA community. For those who came into this sport because "The Ultimate Fighter" looked cool or because they loved watching Kimbo Slice on CBS, Ettish entered the Octagon wearing a karate gi and wielding a traditional martial arts background, and in the minds of many, his subsequent loss made him the embodiment of all that didn't work in an actual limited-rules fight. But nothing could have been further from the truth, and in the 15 years since, Ettish has molded himself into a cross-trained Miletich Fighting Systems instructor and a very appreciated part of MMA history. MMA Journalist certainly wishes him luck, but win or lose, Ettish will always remain a warrior.