Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How Scary is Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos?

You may recognize her as that tough Chute Boxe representative who wrecked Shayna Baszler and Yoko Takahashi in EliteXC. You may know her as the fighter destined to face Gina Carano in what will be female MMA's biggest marquee match-up yet. But Brazil's Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos, who's slated to execute Hitomi Akano at Strikeforce's April 11th show, is more than that: she's actually one of the most frightening individuals in the sport. So just how scary is Cyborg?
  • At EliteXC's "Unfinished Business" event in California, a mix up in the locker rooms had Cyborg confronting an innocent Robbie Lawler and accusing him of stealing her ice bucket. Lawler reportedly burst into tears and was inconsolable for an hour afterwards.
  • At last year's Chute Boxe Secret Santa gift exchange, trainer Rudimar Fedrigo gave Cyborg a small kitten. She swallowed the whole thing before he could tell her it was supposed to be a pet.
  • Heavyweight slugger Brett Rogers was originally offered a chance to fight Cyborg on April 11th. His reply: "Man, I ain't ready for that. You trying to get me killed?"
  • The most popular Halloween mask in Brazil for the last two years has been the "Cristiane 'Cyborg' Santos" mask.
  • All of Cyborg's past opponents and two officiating referees now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, and three of the fighters have sought medical treatment. One of the referees has given up MMA and become a Hare Krishna.

MMA Journalist Exclusive: Scott Coker to Set Up Animal vs. Animal Fights

In an exclusive imaginary interview with MMA Journalist, Strikeforce Grandmaster Scott Coker, the man behind the promotion's leap to Showtime and CBS, has revealed that he intends to set up animal vs. animal bouts in addition to regular MMA bouts. An idea once pushed by UFC matchmaker Joe Silva, animal vs. animal bouts have gained little traction among athletic commissions and animal rights organizations. But the fan interest is there - a fact that Coker hopes to exploit to satisfy Strikeforce's suddenly daunting event schedule. Here's an excerpt from that shocking imaginary interview:
  • Okay, you have a ton of fighters on your roster now that you acquired all those ProElite contracts but you have quite a few events on your plate for both Showtime and CBS. Are you worried about being able to put together enough fights people want to see? No. I was at first. But then I was staring out my window and saw my dog - a cute, little Yorkshire Terrier - getting attacked by a bald eagle in my backyard. And it hit me: why not do animal against animal bouts, too?
  • Uh, animal against animal? Yeah, man. I mean, I remember talking to Joe Silva about it once. We were speculating on who would win if a lion fought an alligator or if a gorilla fought a rhinoceros, and he was saying that he'd tried to push that idea past the powers that be so the UFC could do those bouts. It never materialized, obviously, but why can't Strikeforce run with the idea?
  • I don't know... laws, maybe? Yeah, that was my initial thought. However, when I went out to my backyard, and that bald eagle was tearing apart my little Yorkie and I was trying to swat it with a shovel, I realized that the only legal issue that would arise would be if we used an endangered species.
  • Okay, but what about things like the carcass left behind once a match is finished? That's probably not something people want to see. No, you're right about that. No one wants to see a combatant fallen on the battlefield. But, going back to that bald eagle incident, when the thing retreated to a branch and stared down at me and my poor dog, that's when I realized that Mother Nature takes care of those things - if you let her. See, that's why, when Strikeforce does an animal vs. animal bout on Showtime or CBS, we're going to let the winner eat the loser. The problem about having a dead body left behind is solved.
  • Very interesting. So... how is your dog? Oh, I let the eagle have him.
  • Nice. Well, thanks for your time, Mr. Coker. And good luck. Thanks.