Friday, October 22, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Thanks to the spirited performance of former School of Visual Arts student and Ecstasy dealer Banh Mi, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh finally has a win to call their own, so they celebrate. There's champagne spraying everywhere, there's strippers, and at one point an assistant coach dons pagan robes and sacrifices a goat to Cthulhu. Is it excessive? Hey, anytime there's a sacrifice to Cthulhu and the sky is not torn open and giant tentacles do not emerge from the rift to lay waste to the Earth, well, I'd say hey, that's cool and no, it's not excessive. But some members of Team Georges St. What The Hell Is He Saying take great umbrage over it.

"Man, Josh Kosh B'Gosh and his team sucks," says Chris Rock on Steroids after being denied free healthcare in the locker room. "If this were Canada I'd be getting all the backrubs I want," he says, and it's then that we know he's gone completely over to the Canadian Side.

Back at the TUF House and Chris Rock on Steroids and his teammates are out back, barbecuing up some mope with a side of grilled glum. Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh is inside, still partying like it's 1999 (Banh Mi is dancing around wearing a raspberry beret - the kind you buy in a second-hand store). They're soon joined by their coaches, and together they go out to the deck to rub Team Canadia's face in their Satanic rituals and belief in Norse mythology.

"Man, you suck," says Chris Rock on Steroids to the opposing coach.

"Maybe I do," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh with a mischievous grin. "But at least I have personality and people can understand me when I talk."

"I'm a one-trick pony," interjects Spuds McKenzie, his low, plodding voice betraying either years of Oxycontin abuse or Down Syndrome. "I can do a guillotine."

Everyone stares at Spuds McKenzie blankly - even his own teammates. Eventually Josh Kosh B'Gosh nods his head and says "okay".

Thanks to Banh Mi, picking the next match-up is the responsibility of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. He chooses his best guy, Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch, to face Spuds McKenzie. The two fighters square off for the staredown, and though Marky-Marc bears a confident smirk, his opponent bows his head and makes a face that looks like a combination of a grimace and a desperate need to use the toilet. When the staredown is over, Spuds McKenzie puts his finger to Josh Kosh B'Gosh's nose and implores him to smell it.

"Dude," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh.

And now it's time for a life lesson from Mr. Incomprehensible, Georges St. Huh? Today's topic: Christ, I don't know. Dealing with bullies? Absorbing insults? Given the welterweight champ's absolute disdain for speaking in a language American viewers can understand, it's difficult to say. But there's lots of "eets" and "ree-speck" and other mauled words in there, plus he gets up and gesticulates wildly. One has to wonder if the man actually understands himself.

Time for a little training montage and personal insight into the two competitors. Marky-Marc kicks a heavybag and mentions his love of K.D. Lang music; Spuds McKenzie says that he sucks at everything related to MMA but he knows that guillotine. As if to accentuate the obvious, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh assistant coach Dave Chameleon instructs Marky-Marc to "avoid that guillotine. Avoid it. It."

Then it's fight time, and the Spuds McKenzie runs across the cage waving his arms and kicking his legs out like a bug having an epileptic seizure. Out of reflex Marky-Marc ducks his head and shoots in for the takedown - and Spuds McKenzie sinks in the guillotine. Marky-Marc is asleep before 20 seconds have elapsed.

Cageside, Josh Kosh B'Gosh looks stunned. He turns to the camera, stares, and says matter-of-factly, "my tummy hurts."

But wait, there's more.

As Spuds McKenzie and Marky-Marc's saga lasted only half an episode, there's time enough for another match-up.

On the Muppet Show everyone knew that Kermit the Frog was a frog, Miss Piggy was a pig, and the Swedish Chef was Swedish. But what the heck was Gonzo? According to later films (which are considered Muppet canon), Gonzo was some kind of alien. Well, this season of TUF has it's very own alien, a wrestler and jiu-jitsu guy named Jonathan with long blond hair, green skin, antlers, dreadlocks, scales and a tail.

As coach Georges St. Pierre now has the baton, he chooses his ward, Jonathan, to take on the Armenian Wonder.

Cue 30-second montage: Jonathan, meditating. Doing yoga. Picking flowers. Practicing calligraphy with a brush and a small bottle of ink. Meanwhile, the Armenian Wonder is smashing television sets with a baseball bat. Setting fire to a kennel. Going to expensive hotel rooms at the Bellagio and dumping a jar of bedbugs out onto the carpet.

And then they're fighting, and Jonathan - scales, antlers, green skin, tail and all - leaps onto the Armenian Wonder's back and chokes him out.

Boy, it sure does suck to be on Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, eh?

The end.

Bellator 33 Postscript

It's weird going to a show where the main event fights happen in the middle of the card, but such is the life of an organization with a television broadcast deal. Deividas Taurosevicius looked gun-shy, Rick Hawn showed a lot of promise, and Roger Huerta was all heart. Lyman Good and Ben Askren were seriously beaten up after their bout, which is a testament to both fighters' mettle and toughness. What can you say about Eddie Alvarez that hasn't already been said? He was a superstar years ago and he's only gotten better. Overall, pretty solid event - although Bellator still takes the cake as the promotion with the worst press section. Cheering on fighters and shouting instructions - especially when we're about a hundred feet from the cage - is embarrassing. However, sitting and shooting the crap with Kevin Roddy and Tom Gallicchio ultimately made it bearable.