Monday, December 28, 2009

God to Dana White: "I Warned You Not to Have UFC 108. Now Suffer the Consequences."

In an unusual move, God has issued a statement directly addressing Dana White in regards to this Saturday's much-maligned UFC event - an event that's been plagued by a ton of injuries resulting in countless lineup changes. "I warned you not to have UFC 108," the statement begins. "Now suffer the consequences." As for what those consequences might be, God is remarkably clear. "You wanted a main event between Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin, and I struck them both down. Now you put forth Rashad Evans and Thiago Silva? A swarm of locusts shall descend upon the TUF House and it shall rain within the MGM Grand Garden Arena for 40 days and 40 nights!" As for the ever-changing opponents for lightweight Jim Miller, God says, "I thought I made myself clear when I smote Tyson Griffin and Sean Sherk, but alas, no. Leprosy and blindness upon the Nevada State Athletic Commission judges!" God goes on to denounce the pairings of Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Cain Velasquez, Anderson Silva and Vitor Belfort, and Gabriel Gonzaga and Junior dos Santos. "You dare put Junior dos Santos in the cage?" says God. "Then I shall give you... Wait, you have Gilbert Yvel in there? Forget it, that's punishment enough." Dana White has yet to reply publicly to God, although according to a source within the UFC, three prized interns may be sacrificed for appeasement.

New Additions to Bellator Roster

Bellator Fighting Championships, which debuted last year on ESPN Deportes and featured four eight-man tournaments stocked with a Latino-centric roster of fighters, has announced a number of new signings for its upcoming season. Sure to make waves in the 145-pound division is the Taco Bell Dog, a feisty chihuahua known for his guard game and knack for slick submissions. Meanwhile, in the welterweight division, Pedro the Man in a Bumble Bee Suit enters the fray to face the likes of Dan Hornbuckle, judoka Jim Wallhead and wrestler Ben Askren, and in the middleweight ranks comes El Diablo, a masked luchador with hopes of dethroning current 185-pound champ Hector Lombard. Said Bellator head honcho (hehe) Senor Bjorn Rebney, "Ariba!"