Thursday, April 30, 2009
Close up of Dana White, martini in hand as he stands on a balcony overlooking the Bellagio. Below, the famous choreographed fountain, and as a gentle breeze dances past he looks back at those gathered around him: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Michael Bisping, token Asian dude and some old man. "Gentlemen, I have a plan to knock over the vaults in three casinos," says Dana. "Do you want to be a fucking thief?"
Cue Elvis Presley song remix.
Back at the TUF house, Team America: World Police fighter Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All tries desperately to overcompensate for something. What could it be? "I've humped 70 or 80 girls, man," he says, effeminately stroking himself while humming bars of ABBA's "Dancing Queen". "I don't even know how many girls I've humped," he says as he wraps a pink feather boa around his neck. "I even humped my best friend's wife." A pause as he dons a pair of purple, rhinestone-studded sunglasses. "Seriously, fellas, I am so not gay."
The next day a fight match-up is chosen - Santino DeBrainAneurysmo and Andre The Weiner. These two must not be interesting at all because we get almost no backstory or build-up. One minute they're chosen to fight, the next minute they're fighting. Which, in this instance, is Santino DeBrainAneurysmo once again applying his "go fetal" technique in the hopes that somehow his opponent will leave him for dead and focus on something else, and then... bam! Santino DeBrainAneurysmo attacks him! But no, Andre the Weiner isn't fooled, and the Brit pounds on the American until referee Moustache Mazagatti yells "Where's my moustache?"
Then Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All grabs Mark Miller's butt and nervously repeats, "Screw you guys, I'm not gay. Not gay, not gay, not gay!" And he does a ballet pirouette and sprinkles his teammates with gold sparkles.
Meanwhile, Don Cheadle buys an enormous drill and starts digging a tunnel under the Golden Nugget, while George Clooney compliments Catherine Zeta-Jones on her snappy outfit as the two sip mojitos poolside at Mandalay Bay. At the Hard Rock, Michael Bisping - wearing a bell hop uniform circa 1920 - delivers the luggage of an elderly couple from Wisconsin to their room.
"Guys, we have to stop sucking," says the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) to her Team America: World Police charges. Since there are still castmembers with no interesting backstory whatsoever, another fight is arranged for the episode - the Marquis de Johnson against the British Mr. T. Again, there is zero build-up. One minute their match-up is declared, the next they're in the cage.
Meanwhile, Matt Damon trades witty banter with Brad Pitt. Token Asian dude and old man pop out of a box and release fleas into a hotel room in the Luxor. Michael Bisping finds himself within a casino vault, decked out in SWAT gear and talking to Andy Garcia on a cell phone. "Awright geeza! So, I loved winnie da pooh in da 'Godfarfer', but Lord Fauntleroy did Sophia Coppola stink. Sorted mated." Like most humans, Andy Garcia can't understand a word Michael Bisping says, and in frustration he throws his cell phone on the floor and smashes it repeatedly with his cane. The Brit leaves the casino vault with bags of money tucked under each arm.
In the Octagon the Marquis de Johnson and the British Mr. T fight. "I pity the chap who fights me!" declares the British Mr. T, and he takes the Marquis de Johnson down and promptly taps out to a triangle choke. Afterwards, everyone wonders why coach Bisping missed the fight.
"In nine seasons of 'The Ultimate Fighter' a coach has never missed a fight," says Dana with a grin. The camera pulls back, revealing him to be surrounded by piles and piles of money.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
- An 8.5% gate tax on all gross revenues generated from ticket sales. This is sort of hefty, and more than anything would be discouraging to mid- and lower-level promoters than to someone like the UFC or Strikeforce.
- A 3% tax on gross revenues from broadcasting, with a cap of $50,000 (i.e., the State maxes out on 50 large).
- The New York State Athletic Commission has to add martial arts organizations to its "approved list", which means blokes representing the United States Naked Oil Wrestling Federation and the International Karate and Coffee-Enema League might now have a chance at putting on sanctioned events - provided those organizations are viable and meet NYSAC standards.
- A "professional combative sports participant" is any fighter who competes for money, or teaches, or "pursues or assists in the practice of mixed martial arts as a means of obtaining a livelihood or pecuniary gain". Um, doesn't this sound like anyone connected to MMA, including journalists and fight gear and clothing salesman, would now be considered a participant?
- A "professional combative sports match or exhibition" is now any bout where participants receive anything for their troubles or admission is charged to the event. This pretty much sews up the loophole that allowed events like the Underground Combat League.
- Gyms teaching MMA are subject to licensing by the NYSAC.
- There's a three-year sunset clause on the bill, meaning that after three years the law is automatically repealed. Really, think of this just as a mandatory review clause to encourage tweaking if things aren't working out as planned.
Monday, April 27, 2009
"The oddest fight was 'The Pistol' Villarisco, who was a far better striker but showed no urgency during the first two rounds. He lost both on the cards because he was on his back a lot... then completely took over in the third. Everyone thought they stopped the fight (they should have - he was destroying him), Villarisco jumped on the cage arms raised. Then they went to the scorecards! So time must have run out before they stopped it. He lost a decision. He's got serious stand-up skills but needs some sense of urgency and better takedown defense."
Did Mike Easton steamroll over his opponent? "I wouldn't say steamroll. Easton is actually a very patient fighter, and had he not sunk that choke the round was even. Plus, he got it from his guard. He has an excellent guard."
"[Damian] Dantibo looked excellent in knocking out fan-favorite and one of my favorites - Ron 'ChoirBoy' Stalling - in 13 seconds."
- Jay Coleman - A muscular ex-wrestler with heavy hands, Coleman had the uncanny ability to knock out other wrestlers (something about timing and rhythm and a deadly right hook). Early on he pounded out a win against Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt Leo Dalla, and he went up against Philippe Nover in a ROC tournament, where he lost via kimura.
- Carlos Moreno - Moreno was the epitome of heavyweight knockout artist, a ROC champ and one of the most feared competitors in his day. He took his last bout on about a week's notice, a losing effort against Carlton Haselrig on the undercard of EliteXC's first show on CBS, and he hasn't fought since.
- Tom Muller - A Matt Serra protege and highly-skilled grappler (duh), Muller handed Moreno his first loss back in 2004... and never stepped into the ring again. Did he lose interest in fighting and take up bobsledding? Who knows. But the dude was a machine.
- Travis Roesler - The Philly-based Roesler was a skilled grappler like Muller, and very capable of hanging with the big boys. His last fight was a split decision loss to John Doyle back in 2006. Wherefor art thou, Travis?
- Elvis Garcia - Garcia was Team Tiger Schulmann's first MMA star, and with big punching and a strong top game, the guy was like a mini Fedor. He pounded out Nardu Debra to win the ROC belt and his last fight was a quick KO over Christian Montes in 2006. I believe Garcia went on to just focus on teaching at TSMMA schools full-time. He was the man back in the day, though.
- Laura D'Auguste - Hailed by all as the best 135-pound female fighter of her time, D'Auguste went undefeated taking on killers like Amanda Buckner, Roxanne Modafferi and Megumi Yabushita, and she even went to Japan and won a Smackgirl tournament. What happened? Marriage happened. But at least D'Auguste went out on top.
- Jo-Jo Guarin - Sporting one of the best guards I've ever seen, Guarin was a dangerous jiu-jitsu and Muay Thai practitioner and an instructor at Sean Alvarez's school just north of New York City. His last sanctioned bout was a 2005 decision-loss to Elvis Garcia in a fight he took on about three days notice, and he was at the BET "Iron Ring" tryouts, where he suffered under piss-poor officiating (Guarin had his opponent in a choke and a know-nothing traditional martial artist referee stood them up).
- Baba Shigeyasu - A durable and versatile lightweight with a ton of heart, Shigeyasu had enough grappling skill to go the distance with Wilson Reis - and even give Reis a hard time. This Japanese kid was pure toughness. His last bout was a decision win against Anthony Montanaro in 2007.
- Daniel Akinyemi - Another well-rounded fighter, Akinyemi went from successful amateur to a stint on the Iron Ring, where he was featured slamming his opponent unconscious and suffering a dislocated shoulder as a result (he was awarded the win, though). Akinyemi was in contractual limbo with BET last I heard.
- Alexis Aquino - Good old Aquino fought with his emotions most of the time, which made for some passionate-as-hell beatdowns. Yet he was also skilled, which meant excitement even when he lost. His only defeats were at the hands of Dante Rivera, Lyman Good and David Branch, who are three highly-skilled fighters themselves.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
In this week's episode, the very fabric of space and time is threatened, plus more Brits speak with accents so thick they don't even understand themselves.
Tanned, rested, well-coiffed and friendly like a soccer hooligan is friendly, Michael Bisping greets his wards and puts them through their paces in a hard training session. His coaches are introduced - someone named "Sucker" to teach grappling, some unassuming bald guy to teach striking - and his team of countrymen/aspiring UFCers sweat and grunt and then hug each other and drink tea from porcelain cups, their pinky fingers jutting out as they say "jolly good" and "know wha' ah' mean, gov'nor?"
Then the Queen of England (also known as "Dan" - still no explanation why) trains her Team America: World Police, and introduces her coaching staff, which includes someone to teach boxing, someone to teach kickboxing, someone to teach grappling, someone to teach conditioning, someone to teach hygiene, someone to teach manners, someone to teach calligraphy, someone to teach mathematics, and someone that is apparently the Queen's oldest friend and helped her build sandcastles when they were but wee children spending holidays at the seaside. The Queen asks her team who sucks and who doesn't. Mark Miller raises his hand, so he gets to fight first against someone named Nick Ostrich.
It's then that the universe and all within it are put in jeopardy. For some reason, Bisping and his coaches watch the second TUF episode of the season on TV - which in turn was watched by editors at SpikeTV before being watched by us. That's people watching a TUF episode watching a TUF episode watching a TUF episode. Somewhere on Earth Stephen Hawking grows uneasy, while in the parallel universe known as "UI-8669a-Beta", the Overlord's Royal Guard's stand ready at the Gate Between Worlds, their Energy Lances held aloft. Why you gotta play us like that, Michael Bisping?
Back at the TUF house there are pranks. Tame, non-gay pranks. A Brit's t-shirt is defaced. And back at the gym, a Brit's shoes are written on. In the control room, a producer with a headset watches the dailies and shakes his head. Says to a young production assistant: "Nope. Not gay enough." The production assistant nods. Says to the editor: "Cue up the 'Meat Missile' clip."
Mark Miller looks into the camera and declares himself a 'Meat Missile'. All targeted demographics are hit.
It's fight day, and Miller and Ostrich enter the cage. They kick and punch and roll around, and late in the second round Ostrich makes his British teammates proud by planting his shin upside the American's head. Miller drops to examine a spot on the canvas that has suddenly become very interesting to him.
Later, the Queen of England confronts Miller. "I thought you said you didn't suck?" she says.
"No, I was one of the ones who did suck," comes his reply.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
In turn, I responded with: "No problem. I'm glad to have helped educate you on the law."
According to an automated response, the Shady Promoter's Attorney now blocks my emails. Did a newbie lawyer get in trouble for sending out frivolous cease & desist letters from his daddy's law firm? MMA Journalist can only wonder...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
- That main event was a stinker. But how much can you really blame Anderson Silva? It's not his fault people are petrified of engaging with him.
- Nothing sadder than seeing a once-great fighter decline. Nothing sadder. Chuck, you've had a great run, but it's time to hang up the gloves and bang strippers full-time.
- Matt Wiman may have lost a decision (that he deserved), but at least he looked biblical.
- Antoni Hardsuck.
- Brian Stann and Steve Cantwell - living proof that the WEC is to the UFC what Little League Baseball is to Major League Baseball.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Team America: World Police is not yet complete, as four angry young men have to fight to fill the last remaining two slots, plus we haven't yet seen the TUF house and the dorm room-on-steroids decor that will ultimately be destroyed. So zoom in to the house, in a quiet Las Vegas neighborhood powered by the endless energy produced by Dana White's F-bombs. A pool table stands proud. A mural struts gayly. And as Team America: World Police enters, no one takes notice of the six-feet tall anthropomorphic chicken sitting with his legs crossed in a chair in the corner, reading a copy of tomorrow's New York Times. The chicken ignores them. For now.
Team UK enters the house and they're greeted warmly. The Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ known as James Wilks makes a beeline for the silverware and starts stealing. Right-O-Old-Chap speaks incomprehensibly. The American known as Junie Browning's Little Brother sees the free alcohol and furiously begins guzzling it. Soon, when everyone meets on the basketball court outside, Junie Browning's Little Brother starts lobbing eggs - a cry for attention for sure, but also a cry for love. "Love me," he seems to say. "Please. Love me."
The chicken looks up from the newspaper. His eyes narrow. He shakes his head.
Back outside and the accent-heavy Brits and embarrassed Americans make some sort of accord. Thanks to loose bodily fluids, last season scored well in the gay fetish demographic. They vow to avoid that. Then, inside the house, Junie Browning's Little Brother begins threatening people, hitting them with eggs and pleading in his thick Southern drawl, "Please, just love me."
The chicken scowls. Turns the page of his New York Times.
The next day comes and they train, Team America: World Police with the Queen of England and her wrestling, Team UK with Michael Bisping. (When Bisping enters he blames his late arrival on visa problems, which is British slang for "a few days at the spa with Dana, laughing through seaweed wraps and dual-massages".) In the kitchen of the TUF training center Bisping speaks garbled Olde English to the Marquis de Johnson, which aggravates the Marquis de Johnson as Olde English died out with the Anglo-Saxons and no one speaks it anymore.
Back at the house again, and the four who must fight to... get into a house they're already staying in? Remain in a house they're already staying in? Drink more free alcohol? I don't know. But the four who must fight speak of their lives and motivations and need for love. Meanwhile, the giant anthropomorphic chicken reads Nietzsche, glances at Junie Browning's Little Brother, scowls.
Then they are fighting. Someone from California squares off against someone... from Iowa... who talks... incredibly... slow. They wrestle and grapple and punch, and then the slow... talker... from Iowa... bangs his head against the floor of the Octagon until he is unconscious because he'd prefer to be asleep for his opponent's kimura attempt instead of countering it. The referee stops the bout and... Mr Iowa... asks... what... happened... then... concludes... that he... beat himself... If that were the case, then wouldn't "himself" get into the TUF house?
Finally Junie Browning's Little Brother fights, which consists of him curling up into a ball in a corner, covering up and saying "Please love me! Please love me!" over and over again. His opponent is awarded the TKO win. Now Team America: World Police is set.
And back at the TUF house, the chicken goes back to his Nietzsche book, his face revealing no expression at all.
As for your assertion that claims made by myself on my blog are false, your simple declaration that they are false does not make it so - especially when the statements of the injured parties connected to the March 21st Kansas City-area Close Quarter Combat event are considered. Mr. Huddleston did not pay the fighters and the check he wrote to the venue bounced. That sounds like a prima facie "screwing" to me, and clearly not a violation of the "actual malice" standard put forth in New York Times Co. v. Sullivan. Please explain how it is not a "screwing" and I will be happy to post a retraction.
Concerning your assumption that Sullivan does not apply to Mr. Huddleston as he "is not a public official or public figure", I could point to Associated Press v. Walker, Curtis Publishing Company v. Butts, Time, Inc. v Hill, Hustler Magazine Inc. v. Falwell, Rosenbloom v. Metromedia and Philadelphia Newspapers Inc. v. Hepps, which expanded Sullivan's standard to include prominent business leaders and sports figures, affirmed that matters of public interest are a form of protected speech, and placed the burden of proof squarely on your shoulders in proving the alleged falseness of any claims I may make. I could go on but will instead refrain, suffice to say that I still relish the chance to engage Mr. Huddleston and your firm in a battle over First Amendment rights and issues of "freedom of the press".
I look forward to speaking to you - to "clear the air" as you've suggested. Information on Full Contact Fighter is widely available on the Internet.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
- Shady Kansas City Promotion Trying to Screw One of Fred Ettish's Fighters. (FALSE)
- "A shady Kansas City-based promotion called CQC, which held an event in the KC area on March 21st, is trying to screw one of Fred Ettish's fighters." (FALSE)
These are both false statements and I have duly notified you, through my cease and desist letter, that these statements are false. I'm glad you cited New York v. Sullivan in your email dated April 6, 2009. That case stated: public officials cannot recover in a defamation suit unless he/she can show the statement was made with "'actual malice' - that is, with knowledge that it was false or with reckless disregard of whether it was false or not." I am telling you for the second time that Rick Huddleston is not trying to screw any fighter. If you continue to publish articles stating that he is, you will be making statements in "reckless disregard of whether it was false or not." Furthermore, New York v. Sullivan is only relevant in regard to "government and public officials." Rick Huddleston is not a public official or public figure. He is a private individual.
Ultimately, I would like to speak to you, on behalf of Mr. Huddleston, to clear the air. While I am not at liberty to discuss much of the factual information relating to this case, I have some information that I would like to provide for you. This information should be quite helpful to you in your search for the "truth" in this present matter. I don't know if you have spoken to Mr. Francis or Mr. Kuny (Francis' attorney), but I do not believe it would be ethical for me to reveal all facts relating to the present breach of contract dispute.
In closing, I would like some information from you, in return for the information I will be providing you. You are the editor for Full Contact Fighter Magazine. I would like some information about this publication. Corporate office? Address? Number? In case I ever need to contact you directly.
Shady Promoter's attorney"
- On Frank Shamrock receiving $369,790: "Frank is a pioneer and a legend in the sport. However, his best days are behind him and now he fights because he needs the money. So really, we're giving him the money so we hopefully don't have to see him fight much more. Boy, did his performance the other night suck or what?"
- On Nick Diaz receiving only $39,950 for defeating Shamrock: "Actually, that's the amount of cash Nick was paid. He was also given a bale of marijuana, which was part of his contract. He's pretty happy."
- On Cris "Cyborg" Santos getting paid $18,000 while Hitomi Akano only made $1,450: "They were paid by the pound."
- On Shingo Kohara and Jeremy Tavares making only $940 each: "Dude, do you even know who they are? I still don't, and they fought on my show!"
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
- Dom Stanco vs. Charles Oliveira de Silva - As previously mentioned on this blog, Stanco is a big puncher from Bellmore Kickboxing and Oliveira de Silva is a Gold Team Fighters jiu-jitsu/Muay Thai specialist. This bout can go one of two ways: Stanco will either knock Oliveira de Silva out or Oliveira de Silva will submit him, and because Stanco has been doing this a while and trains with some solid jiu-jitsu guys himself, I'm leaning toward the former happening before the latter.
- Ricardo Romero vs. James McSweeney - Romero is one of the best in the Northeast at light-heavyweight and heavyweight, whereas McSweeney has been in the cage with the likes of Mustapha Al Turk and Neil Grove. This should be a slight step up in competition for Romero, and a decent test for his wrestling and ground-and-pound skills.
- Dante Rivera vs. Lamont Lister - Two game and experienced dudes going at it. This one should be a crowd-pleaser.
- Will Martinez vs. Al Iaquinta - Iaquinta may have beaten Martinez when they were amateurs, but since then Martinez has been at Fight Factory working out with folks like Eddie Alvarez and Steve Haigh. Will he be able to derail the Iaquinta train?
- "Crazy" Chris Schlesinger vs. Shawn Forman - Schlesinger's got skills and fights at a frantic pace, while Forman is a young up-and-comer with an extensive amateur record before turning pro. No one will be laying and praying in this bout.
- Louis Gaudinot vs. Chris Aquino - TSMMA rep Gaudinto nearly decapitated some wrestler with a spinning backfist at a recent Asylum Fight League event, so he will always have my attention. Watch out for his striking.
Monday, April 13, 2009
- UFC 42, April, 2003 - Almost any clown could get a press pass in Zuffa's earlier days. Such was the case with the idiots sitting behind me at UFC 42 in Miami who were writers for some Florida-based men's fitness newsletter, a pair that guzzled beer nonstop and shouted for Duane "Bang" Ludwig to "kick that chink's ass" when the KOTC veteran was fighting Genki Sudo. Impartiality, douchebags - do you speak it? Curiously, after this event Zuffa began circulating rules as to how journalists were expected to act.
- IFL, April, 2007 - Networking is fine when amongst your peers, and sportswriters can be pretty social creatures by nature. However, trying to hawk your cheesy old school martial arts magazine during a show? Very not cool. I'm there to write, not be a potential investor in something.
- Bellator FC, April, 2009 - Screaming for the referee to "stand them up" because the fighters are on the ground is unprofessional. Not being able to recognize that one fighter is back-mounted on the other and working for a choke, and that the two are furiously battling for wrist control, well, that's just lame. Also, declaring that the pair in the cage "suck" and that your out-of-shape middle-aged self could kick their asses - super lame.
- Cage Fury Fighting Championships 5, June, 2007 - You may be a sportswriter who covers boxing, but you're at an MMA show. Ultimately, that means spewing nonsense about how MMA sucks compared to boxing is a good way to get yourself choked out by a sportswriter who covers MMA - which, incidentally, is what would happen if a boxer faced an MMA fighter.
- Nearly MMA event ever - If you're a member of the mainstream press and you ask for a spot in press row, you better show up at some point. Or don't. When I see your empty chair I signal my blogging friends a few rows back to move up and take it. At least then the seat is taken up by someone who gives a shit.
A Defeated Frank Shamrock Climbs into His Time Machine to Return to the Past, Taking His 1999 MMA Skills with Him
Sunday, April 12, 2009
- I liked EliteXC and thought the organization was a solid alternative to the UFC brand. Strikeforce is ten times better.
- There was absolutely no shame in Abongo Humphrey's performance. He managed to hang in there with a super-dangerous Brett Rogers. As for Rogers, it's a crime he's been sidelined so long. He could've been knocking out UFC heavyweights all this time.
- Cris Cyborg looked good beating on someone not even remotely her size. Gina Carano is going to kill her.
- Benji Radach vs. Scott Smith was an incredible bout and a candidate for "fight of the year". Warriors like these two men are what MMA is all about. I guarantee Dana White watched that fight, dialed Joe Silva's number and cursed him out for ever letting Radach and Smith go.
- Gilbert Melendez. Meh.
- When he's healthy, and he doesn't have to cut a retarded amount of weight, Nick Diaz is one of the best in the world. No doubt about it.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dana White greets us in his sacred homeland of Las "F-Bomb" Vegas, where he's assembled what will soon be an army of assorted goons and ruffians to confront the invading Brits. And by "assorted" I mean "motley", and by "goons" I mean "tough guys", and by "ruffians" I mean "men that would steal your lunch money and leave you stuffed inside a locker". And by "confront", I mean "live in a house under 24-hour surveillance, while over the loudspeakers Dana's voice is played on a continuous loop of curse words and techno music", and by "Brits" I mean "people that speak in foreign languages and require subtitles for us to understand them". Anyway, Dana says hi. And drops F-bombs. And introduces the Queen of England (also known mysteriously as "Dan" - I guess Rich Franklin is dead?) as their coach for Team America: World Police.
Right away fighters are discarded like human refuse. Someone named My God I Have Herpes On National Television And I'm Never Getting Laid Again is booted, but not before Dana says the word "herpes" about 50 times and brands him with a hot iron and makes him wear a scarlet "H" on his shirt. Someone else is deemed too fat.
Close up of Dana: lost, alone without his British "friend" Michael Bisping. A single tear streams down Dana's cheek. "This is the worst start to the season in the history of the show," he says, but what he really means to say is, "Michael... Michael... I miss you."
Then there are fights. Dana and the Queen of England make two brothers face each other in the cage, and the brothers do, stumbling each other with punches until one of them drops. The winner, Mark Miller, is then forced to cut his fallen sibling's throat, shoot him with a derringer, and back over him with a VW Jetta. Mark is sad but all the while Dana laughs. The perverse laugh of Satan, sitting in a recliner in Hell on a lazy Sunday afternoon, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon while sins are replayed in slow-motion on a big LCD television.
Comedian Carrot Top enters the cage sans props. He defeats some dude of no memorable characteristics whatsoever.
Close up of Dana, this time with music - slow, wistful music. "I... I miss you, Michael..." Dana mutters, but the Queen of England ignores him, maybe a little embarrassed at Dana's confession.
Someone with a brain aneurysm named Santino Defranco gets into the cage. He apparently wants to fight in the UFC before he dies, but no one has told him that fighting requires him to punch back, as the first round sees him lay down against the fence and let another man beat on him relentlessly. In between rounds Defranco's corner lets him know that he can, in fact, hit back, so he comes out and destroys his opponent. His brain aneurysm pulses. Threatens to explode.
Someone named Steve Berger fights. Steve fought in the UFC back in 2002, so he gets to fight in the Octagon again because the Statute of Limitations has expired or something like that. He loses. Some punk rocker fights, gets beat on, then chokes his opponent out before time runs out. Someone named The Marquis de Johnson defeats Ray Elbow. The canvas is eventually stained crimson with Ray Elbow's blood.
Dana cackles maniacally, but inside he aches. "Michael... my Michael," he says, and adds some solemn F-bombs.
Team American: World Police is almost complete. However, two more potential members still have to fight, and they'll battle it out against some other yahoos next week.
Another tear streams down Dana's cheek. Fade to black.