Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 4

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

Fade in to the tail-end of the Hawaii Five-O/Dumb as a Bag of Hammers fight, and to the cast mates cheering from the sidelines.  Cypress Hill, a full-on member of Tito Ortiz's Team Over-Sized Cranium, is rooting for Hawaii Five-O, who is a member of Chuck Liddell's Team Brain Damage.  Joe Feminine, who calls Ortiz coach as well, takes great umbrage at that, and afterwards he confronts the giant-haired fighter over the transgression.

"You don't root for someone on the other team," says Joe Feminine, sounding utterly and completely ghey (pronounced "oooohhhhh, miss thang!").

"Who you trying to get crazy with, esse?  Don't you know I'm loco?" replies Cypress Hill.  And just like that, the matter seems resolved.

Back at the TUF House, Cypress Hill has gathered with his friends Hawaii Five-O, Ronnie Kray and Crocodile Dundee to pass around a bong and discuss how awesome the Steven Spielberg sci-fi film "Minority Report" was, and especially how it was the perfect vehicle for Tom Cruise to display his acting chops.

"Yo, it totally deserved that Academy Award for 'Best Sound Editing'," says Ronnie Kray.

They all nod in agreement.

But all is not in agreement in the house as a whole.  RC Cola despises Cypress Hill, and after finding one of his coveted shirts in the Latino rapper's room, he goes ballistic.  "You're a thief!" RC Cola exclaims.

"Uh, I mistakenly put your shirt there," admits Ronnie Kray.

Undaunted by reality, RC Cola continues with his vitriol toward Cypress Hill.  "You're a thief!"

Back at the TUF Training Center and coach Ortiz sits amongst his wards, playing the role of mediator.

"He's a thief!" says RC Cola, pointing at Cypress Hill.  "He stole my shirt."

"But it's already been established that someone else took your shirt," says Ortiz plainly.

"I don't care!" replies RC Cola.  "He's still a thief!"

Ortiz shakes his massive head and sighs, resigned to the fact that things like "reason", "logic" and "common sense" are prohibited by the standard TUF/SpikeTV contract.

It's fight announcement time, and as Liddell's team has been racking up the wins, the Mohawked One gets to choose again.  He picks Rich Atonofneato (pronounced "a ton of neat-o").  That's it.  Just Rich Atonofneato.  After about 20 minutes of back and forth, with Dana White explaining that a fighter can't just fight himself and trainer John Hackleberry Finn going along with whatever Liddell says, Liddell finally choose RC Cola to face Rich Atonofneato.

Training montage time.  Rich Atonofneato pretends to hump a heavy bag, then he goes over every Italian-themed nickname he's ever had ("Richie the Guido", "Richie from the Shore", "Richie East Lasagna", "Richie Talks with an Accent", "Richie Might Be Italian", etc…).  Meanwhile, RC Cola grapples, spars, talks about his family. 

"He's going to try to wrestle you," Ortiz says to RC Cola.  "So when he gets you down, get back up and punch him."

Fight time, and Rich Atonofneato does the exact opposite of wrestle.  Boom! goes the big Italian sub upside RC Cola's head, and what follows invokes images of a man pounding on a human-sized dollop of pizza dough.  But the pizza dough recovers!  And manages to get on top with a kimura!  Rich Atonofneato starts to rise, and RC Cola - apparently confused and thinking he's fighting in Pride - delivers a pair of illegal knees to his downed opponent's head.  Rich Atonofneato is messed up and leaking balsamic vinegar and olive oil everywhere.  The referee calls the bout, declaring the fallen fighter the winner by disqualification.

Coach Ortiz doesn't like this, and when the flimsy wooded door to the locker room gives him guff, he smashes it.

Later on at the TUF House, Rich Atonofneato returns from the hospital with his hand in a cast.  His paw is so busted up it's going to require surgery.  Thus endeth his run on TUF 11.

But wait, there's more!

Another fight is announced, with Liddell (miraculously) picking one of his fighters - a generic one with no distinguishing features or personality - to face Cypress Hill.

Says Generic Fighter, "I really feel that-"

And the camera switches to Cypress Hill, shadow boxing, flexing, rolling himself a joint and monitoring the UV light and nutrient levels in the water of his little hydroponic "farm".  "Sawed off shotgun, hand on the pump, left hand on the forty, puffin' on a blunt!" he says.

Then they're fighting, and Cypress Hill quickly lands a fist full of dynamite to Generic Fighter's face that sends him tumbling.  Generic Fighter is done, Donesville (population: him), and the dude is out the door and off camera before you can even say "I ain't going out like that, I ain't going out like that."

With that, Team Ortiz has its very first win.

UWC to Return on May 22; Virginia Commission Declares Mike Easton the Winner by Unanimous Decision

The Ultimate Warrior Challenge, which made waves as the pre-eminent Washington, DC-area fight show, has announced that it will be returning to the Patriot Center in Northern Virginia for UWC 8: "Judgment Day", which will feature local star Mike Easton taking on Ryan Diaz.  Consequently, the Virginia Boxing and Wrestling Commission has announced that Easton will be the winner by unanimous decision.  Said Commission spokesman David Amsterdam, "Look, we got a lot of grief over that Mike Easton/Chase Beebe debacle at the last UWC.  But there's a learning curve and I believe we've got the hang of this MMA judging thing.  We've come to the conclusion that if we release the official decisions for the May 22 event now, there won't be any nasty surprises on the night of the show."  Ultimate Warrior Challenge 8 will also see John Dodson taking on Jessie Riggleman, but the Commission was mum on that one as it will end via submission.