The MMA Journalist

Friday, April 2, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 1

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Yes, it's that magical time once again, folks, that rare and appreciated occurrence known as a new season of "The Ultimate Fighter" - a reality show that has managed to retain its youth and vitality with a never-ending parade of fresh ideas and concepts. In this installment - dubbed "Season 11 - No Kimbo" - we're treated to a rivalry so true and so hot, the very doors of the TUF Training Center have petitioned for restraining orders (to no avail, of course! They're just freakin' doors!). That's right, the punch drunk and incoherent Chuck Liddell and his arch-nemesis, Tito "Barely Relevant" Ortiz, are coaching the opposing teams. That, plus a revamped Training Center complete with ShowerCams (tm), a weird selection system where everyone must fight and win to get into the house but the remaining losers are availed a second chance if they clean Dana White's garage or something, and profanity-laced tirade after profanity-laced tirade, make for one hell of a promising season!

Heh, funny thing about those profanity-laced tirades. You see, Dana's actually contractually obligated to do them at least twice a season, and he wastes no time getting the first one out of the way, assaulting the ears and sensibilities of the new crop of middleweight prospects. It's hard to tell just what this rant is about - it could be about the stock market, Marxism, or the correct method of growing a petunia garden - but it's there, an ugly reminder that Dana did spend a few years in the Merchant Marines after high school.

And then it's fight time!

First up: the lead singer from Cypress Hill, with his big electric afro, against an orthodox Jew nicknamed the "Hebrew Hammer". "I want to show the world that Jews can fight," says the Hebrew Hammer, or something like that, and Cypress Hill promptly smokes him like a blunt in a fight so one-sided the Hebrew Hammer has flashbacks to his bris.

"I like to get into fights," says Hawaii Five-O, and get into a fight he does, wrecking some unassuming white kid.

"Hulk smash!" says Ronnie Kray (yes, the famous British gangster), and he wastes no time tossing his opponent to the canvas and jacking the poor guy's shoulder.

"Everyone thinks ze French are not tough," says Frenchie Frenchman. "But we are, and I will prove that." And then he goes out and takes a beating and surrenders. In Frenchie Frenchman's corner is John Hackleberry Finn (Liddell's own coach), and he doesn't like that Frenchie Frenchman is giving up. But just like you can't turn a glass chin back into the iron it once was, you can't change someone's heart, and the surrender is complete when Frenchie Frenchman begins waving a white flag and retreats to the locker room.

"There's no quitting in MMA!" yells Tito in typical Tito fashion. Uh, yes there is. It's called "tapping out".

We're then given highlights: some effeminate dude wins, some dude wins who speaks English but gets subtitles when he talks (why? I can understand him. Am I going crazy or something?), someone named Bobby McGee wins, and then time is slowed back down for Victor O'Donnell and Chevy Camaro, who plaster each other repeatedly until Victor O'Donnell is wheeled out on a stretcher with a busted orbital bone, Chevy Camaro still punching him and Victor O'Donnell lobbing bombs right back.

Sporting a record of 233 wins and 586 losses, RC Cola takes to the cage to take on some scrub and needs about 30 seconds to knock him out.

Then the producers hit the "fast-forward button" again, and we see clips of Costa Philippou lay down a beating on Leonidas and get armbarred, Rich Atonofneato (pronounced "a ton of neat-o") win via wrestling, another wrestler win, Chuck and Tito exchange glares, Dana declare that the hate between the two is so volcanic he fears losing his hair (um?), some other dudes win and some other dudes lose.

And then it's the final bout, a scrap between two friends named Fruit Striped Gum (seriously, does he have to stop people from trying to eat his hair?) and Mr. I Once Had A Nose. This one is a brawl, with Fruit Striped Gum absolutely wrecking Mr. I Once Had A Nose and utterly crushing his schnozz with a plethora of strikes. "I love you man," says Fruit Striped Gum. "Ngg muh nothe," says Mr. I Once Had A Nose.

"Okay, you guys don't completing %$*#& suck," says Dana to the assembled winners. Then he turns to a producer off-camera and says, "Does that count as my second tirade?"

"No," answers the producer. "You need more F-bombs."

And we're out.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

M-1 Global: "Selection" Preview

M-1 Global touches down at Bally’s in Atlantic City this Saturday for the opening round of some sort of international tournament, or maybe this is to determine who represents the United States in a grand M-1 Global event. Who knows, and really, who cares? The bottom line is the roster is full of bangers. Not the best guys around, but definitely guys who come to throw down. It’s a list that includes:

Rami Ibrahim, a Muay Thai master making his MMA debut;
Plinio Cruz, a Gold Team Fighters striker;
Mervin Rodriguez, a gritty Rhino Fight Team rep;
Kevin Roddy, a Pellegrino MMA submission stud;
Mike Geurin, a wrestler-turned-Bombsquad hitman; and,
John Salgado, a Carmine Zocchi-trained human action figure who will stomp on your head if you try to armbar him.

Throw in some smoking-hot prospects like Sedico Honorio, Renato Migliaccio and Pat Audinwood, and you certainly have reason to check this event out. And if you can’t make it, look for MMA Journalist to do some liveblogging.

Observations from My Couch: UFC Fight Night "Rotten Sushi"

Sure Ross Pearson looked sharp and crisp in his battle against Dennis Siver, but how were his teeth? He is a Brit, after all.
Jorge Rivera beat Nate “The Rock” Quarry so bad, Quarry’s new nickname is “The Rubble”.
Caol Uno was awesome when he first came to the UFC – in 2001. Watching him fight now is like watching the teenage daughter of the owner of the Japanese restaurant down the street getting mugged in an alley.
Roy Nelson is one of the most solid (heh) and legitimate fighters to ever come out of the TUF House.
Takanori Gomi was a badass years ago, but getting out-struck and out-grappled they way he did by Kenny Florian doesn’t mean Florian is a stud as much as it means Gomi’s expiration date has passed. Seriously, after that bout, I bet the cage smelled like rotten sushi.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Check Out This Week's New York Press

Check out this week's edition of the New York Press, as some clown's article on the return of sanctioned MMA in New York is the cover story. The New York Press is a free NYC-based alternative weekly newspaper, and with a circulation of over 100,000, it's considered the main competitor of the Village Voice. Link here for the online version: http://www.npaper-server.com/nypress/2010/03/30/#?article=814800 .

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rest in Peace Gene Fabrikant

MMA Journalist has just learned that sambo expert Gene Fabrikant passed away this morning. It was sudden, and the result of an unknown heart issue. Fabrikant coached a few fighters here and there, and also ran a few shows out in Brooklyn, including the recent Paul Rosner memorial event as well as the infamous International Fight Night underground shows. He will be missed.

Predictions for UFC Fight Night "Florian vs. Gomi vs. Fanboys"

Do you recognize the name “Takanori Gomi”? If so, congrats! You are neither a TUF Noob nor a Kimbo Noob. However, if the name doesn’t ring a bell, this is all you need to know about the former Pride lightweight champ: he can punch, he’s a fanboy favorite, and like his opponent Kenny Florian, he loses when he fights BJ Penn. Predictions!

Gomi is totally an awesome, top-level competitor. If we take a time machine back to 2006, that is. Though clearly not the best in his division, Florian is the better fighter, and will win via New England Clam Chowda Choke.
Roy Nelson is fighting Stefan Struve, which pits a fat guy against a tall, skinny guy. Did Joe Silva let his eight-year-old nephew handle the matchmaking for this one? Is Nelson going to take on a really short guy next? Nelson via bludgeoning with his big TUF Lucite.
Not counting the referee, the combined age of those in the cage for the Nate Quarry/Jorge Rivera bout will be 214 years. Think about that one.
Ross Pearson vs. Dennis Siver pits a Brit against a German fighter. I’m picking Siver, if only because there’s a joke in there about the Blitzkrieg and Pearson getting bombed.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Observations from My Couch: UFC 111 "Please, Someone Defeat GSP Already"

Jared Hamman vs. Rodney Wallace was sloppy as hell, but definitely fun.
Only Ricardo Almeida could turn a rear naked choke into a side naked choke and win with it. That’s a jiu-jitsu stud right there, folks.
Nate Diaz edged just a little bit closer to being the badass his brother Nick is, while Rory Markham edged just a little bit closer to fighting in Bellator.
Damn. Rousimar Palhares wanted to take that leg home with him.
When a jiu-jitsu black belt has your back, has his legs figure-foured around your waist and one of your arms trapped, you’re pretty much his bitch. Unless your name is Jim Miller. Then that jiu-jitsu black belt is your bitch. He just doesn’t realize it yet.
Jon Fitch: the second-best welterweight in the world that no one wants to watch.
Kurt Pellegrino gave one heck of an awe-inspiring performance in his bout against Fabricio Camoes. Too bad about that victory dance.
Youngsters aspire to be comic book heroes. Comic book villains aspire to be Shane Carwin. Seriously, that dude was going to kill Frank Mir.
You know what sucks? The fact that the measure of a welterweight’s ability and standing is based on how well they can take a beating from Georges St. Pierre. Please, someone defeat GSP already.

Observations from My Couch: Strikeforce Challengers "Why You Gotta Keep a Brother Down?"

Someone please explain to me why Shamar Bailey gets poked in the eye repeatedly and when he complains is told to shut up and keep fighting, yet when the white Justin Wilcox gets an inadvertent finger in the lens he gets a recovery period and Bailey gets a warning. Can anyone explain that one? Damn. Why you gotta keep a brother down, Mr. Racist Ref?
Meisha Tate: for when Sarah Kaufman, Tara LaRosa, Roxanne Modafferi, Takayo Hashi, Hitomi Akano and Shayna Baszler are unavailable.
I think Andre Galvao did enough to win. Or, more accurately, I don’t think Luke Stewart did enough to win. Good fight, though.
Every time Abongo Humphrey fights I keep hearing that corny announcer from that BET show saying, “Next, on the Ion Wing”.
Lavar Johnson. Cyberdyne Systems Model 101. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.