UFC's "Fight for the Troops" Raises $4 Million; Event Injuries Cost $5.2 Million

The UFC's "Fight for the Troops" event, which aired on SpikeTV on Wednesday night and featured one of the most violent cards in mixed martial arts history, raised $4 million for the "Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund". Unfortunately, thanks to injuries sustained by nearly every combatant on the card - Corey Hill's fractured leg, Yoshiyuki Yoshida's fractured skull, Jonathan Goulet's decapitated head and subsequent reattachment surgery - the price tag for the event exceeded the money raised by $1.2 million dollars, a tab that the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund had to pay. "Ain't that a kick in the pants," said spokesman retired Army Colonel Haverstrom "Machine Gun" Jessup. "I mean, it's a shame this Razak Al-Hassan kid needed a prosthetic arm and Brandon Wolff and Matt Wiman had to have face transplants, but really, we needed this money for the soldiers injured in Iraq and Afghanistan." Lamented Colonel Jessup, "We're worse off now than we were before."