Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Team America: World Police is not yet complete, as four angry young men have to fight to fill the last remaining two slots, plus we haven't yet seen the TUF house and the dorm room-on-steroids decor that will ultimately be destroyed. So zoom in to the house, in a quiet Las Vegas neighborhood powered by the endless energy produced by Dana White's F-bombs. A pool table stands proud. A mural struts gayly. And as Team America: World Police enters, no one takes notice of the six-feet tall anthropomorphic chicken sitting with his legs crossed in a chair in the corner, reading a copy of tomorrow's New York Times. The chicken ignores them. For now.

Team UK enters the house and they're greeted warmly. The Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ known as James Wilks makes a beeline for the silverware and starts stealing. Right-O-Old-Chap speaks incomprehensibly. The American known as Junie Browning's Little Brother sees the free alcohol and furiously begins guzzling it. Soon, when everyone meets on the basketball court outside, Junie Browning's Little Brother starts lobbing eggs - a cry for attention for sure, but also a cry for love. "Love me," he seems to say. "Please. Love me."

The chicken looks up from the newspaper. His eyes narrow. He shakes his head.

Back outside and the accent-heavy Brits and embarrassed Americans make some sort of accord. Thanks to loose bodily fluids, last season scored well in the gay fetish demographic. They vow to avoid that. Then, inside the house, Junie Browning's Little Brother begins threatening people, hitting them with eggs and pleading in his thick Southern drawl, "Please, just love me."

The chicken scowls. Turns the page of his New York Times.

The next day comes and they train, Team America: World Police with the Queen of England and her wrestling, Team UK with Michael Bisping. (When Bisping enters he blames his late arrival on visa problems, which is British slang for "a few days at the spa with Dana, laughing through seaweed wraps and dual-massages".) In the kitchen of the TUF training center Bisping speaks garbled Olde English to the Marquis de Johnson, which aggravates the Marquis de Johnson as Olde English died out with the Anglo-Saxons and no one speaks it anymore.

Back at the house again, and the four who must fight to... get into a house they're already staying in? Remain in a house they're already staying in? Drink more free alcohol? I don't know. But the four who must fight speak of their lives and motivations and need for love. Meanwhile, the giant anthropomorphic chicken reads Nietzsche, glances at Junie Browning's Little Brother, scowls.

Then they are fighting. Someone from California squares off against someone... from Iowa... who talks... incredibly... slow. They wrestle and grapple and punch, and then the slow... talker... from Iowa... bangs his head against the floor of the Octagon until he is unconscious because he'd prefer to be asleep for his opponent's kimura attempt instead of countering it. The referee stops the bout and... Mr Iowa... asks... what... happened... then... concludes... that he... beat himself... If that were the case, then wouldn't "himself" get into the TUF house?

Finally Junie Browning's Little Brother fights, which consists of him curling up into a ball in a corner, covering up and saying "Please love me! Please love me!" over and over again. His opponent is awarded the TKO win. Now Team America: World Police is set.

And back at the TUF house, the chicken goes back to his Nietzsche book, his face revealing no expression at all.

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