Mitch the Intern Tackles the Headlines

*Editor’s note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad and a fan of MMA.  Also, he’s on drugs.  Just accept that.*

News headlines on MMA Junkie, MMA Weekly, Sherdog, Bloody Elbow – everywhere!  But what do they all mean?  Fear not, because your pal Mitch has gathered them all together in one place and deciphered them just for you.

• “Georges St. Pierre/Dan Hardy Primetime Special Snags One Million Viewers” – One million people tuned in to watch, of which 900,000 were gay men out for a glimpse of the Canadian’s abs.  The other 100,000?  A lot of male MMA fans’ girlfriends. 
• “Hardy Says GSP Sucks or Something” – Really, Dan?  This is how you want to spend your 15 minutes?
• “WEC Honcho Reed Harris to Jens Pulver: ‘Please, No More Fighting.  I Can’t Stand the Crying’” – This one is self-explanatory.
• “Josh Barnett to Face Cole Escovedo at DREAM 13” – A heavyweight versus a featherweight?  Japan.  Is.  Awesome!
• “Shine Fights Announces Match-Up No One Cares About” – Nick Thompson against Eduardo Pamplona?  I can’t hardly wait!  Oh, hold on.  I think I can hardly wait.  Yeah, I can.
• “Bellator Signs Everyone Not in the UFC or Strikeforce” – Literally.  Everyone.
• “The Ultimate Fighter – Season 12 Tryouts Set for Suckville, in No Watch, USA” – Unless Kimbo is a guest coach, there is absolutely no reason to do anything but DVR this season and watch it on fast-forward.  No reason.
• “Fedor On Ice Until M-1 Global Renegotiates Contract with Strikeforce” – Because, you know, what’s a contract besides a non-binding agreement that you can renege on whenever you think there’s more money to squeeze out of your business partner?