Thursday, May 20, 2010

Life in the Suck Lane

Welcome to the latest edition of Life in the Suck Lane, where we compare the career trajectories of two once-promising fighters and let you decide whose life sucks harder.  On today’s installment it’s Tim Sylvia vs. Matt Lindland.  Here are the ugly facts:

Tim Sylvia

    • Lost his first UFC championship belt when he tested positive for steroids.
    • Returned to the cage to face Frank Mir for the belt and promptly got his arm snapped in half.  Mir kept the arm hanging above his fireplace for two months before giving it back.
    • In his next venture into the Octagon, he lost to Andrei Arlovski so fast fans questioned if Sylvia had actually heard referee John McCarthy yell “Let’s get it on!” and knew the fight had begun.
    • Defeated Arlovski in a rematch, but their third meeting was hailed by Time Magazine as “The Worst Fight in the History of Fighting, But Not a Bad Example of Two Grown Men Dancing”.
    • Lost the belt to Randy Couture at UFC 68 in a bout that had the crowd cheering every time Sylvia took damage.  There’s unpopular, and then there’s Sylvia-level unpopular.  This was an example of the latter multiplied by a thousand.  Even Satan was watching that bout and muttering, “Jeez, go easy on the poor guy.”
    • Put together a string of impressive losses to such MMA legends as Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Fedor Emelianenko and Ray Mercer.  Wait, what?
    • Is headlining an event called Moosin on Friday.

Matt Lindland

    • Defeated anyone who faced him until he was fighting Murilo Bustamante for the UFC middleweight belt, at which point he tapped out, lied about having tapped out, and then quickly tapped out again.
    • Knocked himself out trying to slam Falaniko Vitale at UFC 43.  No, seriously. 
    • Lost by quick and violent knockout to Dave Terrell, but continued to dominate in the Octagon.  However, whatever momentum he had was flushed down the toilet when Lindland let money and banned sponsors cloud his judgment.  His severance package from the UFC included a Hallmark Card from Dana White brimming with curse words and a jockstrap someone had found in the locker room of the MGM Grand Garden Arena.
    • Was a coach for the IFL.  No, seriously. 
    • Lost to Fedor, got knocked out by Vitor Belfort so hard that for two weeks after he thought he was “Joey” from the NBC sitcom “Friends”, and got submitted by Jacare.
    • Ran for a seat in the Oregon House of Representatives and lost to Howard Stern.  Stern was a write-in candidate.
    • Is headlining a Strikeforce Challengers event on Friday.  Seriously.  A Strikeforce Challengers event.

Well, there you have it.  Whose life sucks more?  You make the call.


Grant said...

I vote

3)Your life sucks the worst because you're an MMA "blogger" while they are professional fighters.

You sit, like me, and hack away on a keyboard while they train their asses of and then use their limbs to damage each other in the most violent way possible.

They have been watched by thousands, if not millions of people over the years. You have been read by a few hardcore MMA fans and published a shitty book no one read.

They actually do.
You bitch about what they do.

Jim Genia said...

hi Tim!