Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 7

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

This week TUF celebrates National Loser Day with an episode focused on those loveable scamps who just quite aren't up to snuff, who don't exactly measure up and who ultimately suck when it comes to fighting.  That's right, this is the episode that features the final quarterfinal match-up - between Leonidas, a guy who everyone agrees hails from Stinksville, USA, and Sucky McSuck (aka, Seth Bacitracin), the person who was defeated in the bout to gain entry into the TUF House but who was brought back because Chevy Camaro died.  Also, apparently the term "wildcard" means "loser who gets a second chance at losing".  Woot.  But first…

Joe Feminine may have defeated the Amish Kid, but he apparently looked to be a shadow of his real self in the process.

"I am a shadow of my real self," he says, limping but throwing colorful streamers to and fro.  "My knee feels loose," he says.

Just the knee?

Anyhoo, in the locker room post-fight he sits, his knee examined by a doctor.  "Ah yes," says the doctor.  "I've seen this type of injury before.  It happens when you sashay too much."

"Pshaw!" says Joe Feminine.

It's fight announcement time, and despite it being Ortiz's turn to choose, and despite there being only two competitors left to fight, coach Chuck Liddell stands up and declares aloud, "I pick Abraham Lincoln and the Kraken."

A disgusted Dana White shakes his head and says, "Just ignore him."

So, Leonidas and Seth Bacitracin are paired up, and immediately everyone - the teammates, the housemates, the coaches and trainers, and even the dudes who drive the vans that take the TUFers to and from the Training Center - come before the camera to talk about how much Leonidas sucks.

"He's only been doing MMA for six months," says Hawaii Five-O.

"He hits like a girl," says Team Liddell's boxing coach, Senator Howard Dean.

"Leonidas can wrestle, but that's about it," says Ronnie Kray.

"My cat's breath smells like catfood," says Liddell.

Even Leonidas gets in on the hatefest.  "I train hard and I want to go far in this sport.  Oh, also, I can't fight worth a damn."

Training montage, and Leonidas is seen trying to hit some focus mitts.  He misses horribly, stumbles, and manages to fall through a plate glass window and into a moat full of alligators.  Meanwhile, Seth Bacitracin sits with Ortiz, lavishing the UFC fighter with praise and gratitude for giving him a second chance.  "You know, when I lost to the Amish Kid I was really bummed, but you believed in me enough to bring me back."

"Do I know you?" says Ortiz.

More training, and Joe Feminine is boxing with a teammate in the Octagon when his knee gives out.  He tumbles to the ground.  "It's loose!  It's loose!" he exclaims, and everyone backs away aghast.  "I'm talking about my knee!" he says, and at that clarification everyone lets out a collective "Oh" and moves to help him.

Then it's fight time, and somehow, someway the man who everyone took the time to describe as "sucky", "lame", "worthless in the cage" and "a total freakin' joke when it comes to unarmed combat" manages to grapple the hell out of Seth Bacitracin.  Back and forth, back and forth on the ground, one catching the other in a dominant position and the other escaping and reversing, and then Round 1 and Round 2 are done.  The judges have it a draw, so it goes to Round 3 - the perfect time and place for the exhausted Leonidas to live up to his hype.  He does so by laying down and going to sleep.  Seth Bacitracin earns the unanimous decision.

But wait, there's more!

With little fanfare, White has everyone gather for the wildcard announcements.  Who lost but will get another chance to lose again?  Who gets to demonstrate their lack of skills over and over again?

"RC Cola, you get to come back and fight Ronnie Kray," says White.  "And because Rich Atonofneato is injured, Amish Kid, you get to return.  Also, I'm bringing back Mirko CroCop, Ken Shamrock and Steve Jennum.  Because, you know, it's National Loser Day."

And there you have it.

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