*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
Yeah, so Chris Rock on Steroids won last week, defeating Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some (as coach Georges St. No English calls him). But now it's time for everyone to go back to the locker rooms, and they're reluctant. You see, there's a convicted rapist in there with the kind of facial tattoo that just cries out "Mmmm, buttocks!" And no one wants any of that.
Yet eventually the SpikeTV producers wrangle Team Canada Dry in there, and all the kids plus coaches are subjected to listening to ex-boxing champ Mike Tyson talk about… I don't know, being brave in prison and not looking corrections officers in the eye or something.
"Wow, this so completely applies to me," says starry-eyed anonymous TUFer #563.
But if one half of the TUF cast is having a grand time locked in a room with a felon, the other half must be suffering - which coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh ensures by shouting nonsensical speeches meant to motivate while his team punches big inflatable exercise balls. Then they push the balls around. Then they attempt to balance on top of the balls (most fall). Then they kick the balls into traffic. Then they drop the balls into Lake Meade, and shoot at them with shotguns as the balls float away.
"You will work hard now," exclaims Josh Kosh B'Gosh. "You will be rewarded, but much later. Like, maybe sometime after you're 40, or when you go to 7-11 and buy a cherry cola Slurpee and a scratch-off lottery ticket, and you win ten dollars. That's when you'll be rewarded. If ever." And it becomes clear that, as the theme of his team's workouts is "mindless", so too are his speeches.
Back at the TUF House and everyone is relaxing, sipping on cocktails in hollowed out pineapples and rolling up palm fronds and smoking them. "Cue discord!" yells a producer, and The Armenian Wonder starts grumbling about how Bruce Leroy isn't the baddest, that the Shogun of Harlem is the man to beat.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Lentz agrees and chimes in with, "Who's the baddest? Sho'Nuff!"
Bruce Leroy responds by adjusting the pick in his afro, then mixing kata with 1980s-style break dancing moves.
Napkins and other table linen are thrown. Spuds McKenzie the fisherman throws a roll of paper towels. Marky-Marc tosses a dry sponge into the fray. It's insanity.
The insanity continues into the next scene, as Georges St. Impossible Accent cautiously drives his car into the TUF Training Center parking lot. You see, in the last episode Josh Kosh B'Gosh pulled the mother of all pranks and parked his rental car too close to the Canadian's car, forcing him to have to squeeze in through the door awkwardly. To prevent another such crippling practical joke, Georges St. Er, What? nips the shenanigans in the bud by parking too close to a fire hydrant. Uh, that's illegal and gets your car towed in most parts of the world. Does the UFC welterweight champ not know that? Probably not, but what he does know is… underwear!
It's time for a pose-down, and Josh Kosh B'Gosh and Georges St. Ambiguous take turns strutting around in their tight skivvies.
"Don't you love it when men look at you?" asks Josh Kosh B'Gosh.
"Mais oui!" giggles Georges St. Pierre.
And then it's time to pick the next fight. As Team Canadia won the lost bout, Georges St. No Personality gets to choose, and he calls out his ward Dr. Watson to face Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's Andy My Main Man.
"My main man!" says an aged blind blues guitarist sitting on a bench in the back of the gym, and he strums a few notes.
Training montage time, and Andy My Main Man is bedecked in a fur coat, garish purple hat, and alligator-skin boots. On either harm hang scantily-clad beauties - beauties who charge clients by the hour, give him a percentage, and who know karate. Another pimp saunters by going in the other direction, pauses and extends his palm. "My main man!" says the pimp, and Andy My Main Man slaps the man's hand and then the two bump fists and continue walking.
Cut to Dr. Watson's training, and jiu-jitsu master from New Zealand Jemaine Clement adjusts his glasses and begins serenading him. "Looking 'round the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful fighter in the… room. In the whole wide room. And when you're on the street, depending on the street, I bet you're definitely in the top three good-looking fighters on the street."
"Dee-pending on de street," adds Georges St. Please Don't Talk.
More training for Dr. Watson, though, only this time his trainers stage a fake entrance to the fight. Once in the Octagon, they make like it's the beginning of his impending bout. After that, they do act one, scene two of "Hamlet", then pretend the floor is lava and hop from piece of gym equipment to piece of gym equipment.
But then it's fight time for reals, and Andy My Main Man and Dr. Watson waste no time in mixing it up. The two clock each other nicely, clinch, and punch each other some more. Utilizing his purple belt in Koala Jiu-Jitsu, Andy My Main Man gets on Dr. Watson's back and stays there, hunting for eucalyptus leaves to munch on while the older fighter defends. Dr. Watson eventually escapes and winds up on top, and the two exchanges pleasantries. Time runs out in Round 1 and we're fed commercials, and then the fight resumes, this time with Dr. Watson getting the takedown, scoring with some ground and pound, and eventually finding his way to Andy My Main Man's back. The younger fighter taps soon after to a rear naked choke, giving Dr. Watson and Team Georges St. I'm Too Good To Learn English another win.
Upset, Josh Kosh B'Gosh begins rearranging furniture.