Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Bad choices. That's theme for this week's Ultimate Dudes Incarcerated in a House and Forced to Fight, and the theme manifests itself early and often. Case in point: coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who is clearly stressing that his team has thus far lost three out of three meetings with the opposing Team Georges St. Pete. "Our system works," he repeats, trying to convince us that his homeboys at American Kickboxing Academy have the secret to success and that if his wards would just follow the ten easy "mindless" steps they too would see victory. But desperation breeds desperate decisions, and Josh Kosh B'Gosh brings in AKA mate Jon Fitch to work with everyone.

"I'm Jon Fitch," says Jon Fitch, with his disheveled hair showcasing this episode's first epic bad choice. You see, it looks like he passed out in a ravine the night before and woke up with a family of raccoons setting up a bed and breakfast in his bouffant. Yup. Tragic.

They all get their training on, and then we're back in the TUF House. Uh-oh, trouble is a-brewing. It seems Bruce Leroy has entered the prank stage a bit prematurely - too soon for anyone's liking because, hey, isn't the jizz-on-the-food stuff supposed to wait until week number 6? Anyway, he pours bleach in the fabric softener, or dye in the detergent, or something else equally benign, and teammate Chris Rock on Steroids almost falls prey to the collateral damage.

"Everyone hates me," says Bruce Leroy with a smile, a knowing smile, for if he can generate enough negative emotion, then he can ensure himself a trip into the Octagon for reals regardless of if he wins or loses again on TUF (thanks Junie Browning!).

Back to the training center, where Georges St. Totally Does Not Talk Nor Display Personality manages to one-up prior bad choices with a doozy of a bad choice. Remember how everyone was forced into the locker room with that convicted rapist last week? Remember how no one got raped? Well, that ain't too cool as far as coach Canada is concerned, so he brings in a drunk French Muay Thai stud named Jean-Claude Swarovsky to… to… what? What benefit could a bunch of aspiring fighters sequestered for six weeks and forced to train and fight get from having to deal with a drunken French Muay Thai guy? This is like the precursor to an episode of "Cops".

"He ees a ver-ee good Muay Thai fighter," says Georges St. Bad Choice. "Pleeese show 'im respect."

Adds New Zealand jiu-jitsu sensation Jemaine Clement, "This could be the greatest experience of your life or the worst experience of your life. We just don't know! Also, don't look Jean-Claude Sikorsky in the eye, as he might take that as a threat. And no sudden movements!"

Of course, what transpires next can best be described by the phrase "Man bullies children". Or "Human squashes bugs". Or "Poor judgment leads to drunkard beating on innocents". There's a clip of Spuds McKenzie eating a knee to the gut and collapsing. A clip of Bruce Leroy getting kicked in the afro. A clip of Dr. Watson being doused with gasoline and lit ablaze by the Frenchman. It would be funny but for all the senseless suffering.

Afterwards, the time for picking the next match-up is upon us, and as Georges St. Kill His Team is in control, the mean Canadian makes bad choice number whatever: Spencer the Page versus Banh Mi. You see, a page is the first job a boy takes on the road to becoming a knight, but in between that job and the end goal is running a lot of errands and doing menial tasks, then becoming a squire and learning how to fight. It's a three-stage process - and Spencer's still at the "hold on, sire, while I go get your chamber pot" stage. In other words, Spencer the Page is in trouble.

Cut to Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's training session, which is interrupted by a visit from none other than the amazingly punch-drunk Chuck Liddell. "Okay Dana, I'm ready to coach," says the Mohawked One to a nearby water cooler. "But we have to do this quick, because I have to get back to 'Dancing with the Stars'." Grabbing a broom, Liddell begins to tango.

At first everyone seems elated to see him, but that elation fades into discomfort, and soon they all slowly return to their workouts. Liddell is none the wiser.

More training, and we see Ban Mi jogging around the TUFF House lawn. Before coming to the Ultimate Fighter show Ban Mi was a student at the School of Visual Arts who dropped out to sell Ecstasy to club kids on weekends, and all that running - from nightclub to nightclub and dance floor to dance floor - has been a hard habit to break.

"Maybe I should train," says Spencer the Page from a lawnchair. "Um, naah." Again, bad choice.

And then it's fight time. Things go well for Spencer the Page for the first half of Round 1, as he manages to land hard and heavy on his ever-approaching Vietnamese sandwich foe. But countless evenings spent in front of blaring dance floor speakers and staring down cruel bouncers has made Ban Mi tough, and soon he has Spencer the Page on his back and is raining down strikes. The round ends with Ban Mi cranking a kimura.

"I think I don't know how to fight," says Spencer the Page to coach Georges St. Heartless in between rounds. "I think I don't learn fighting techniques until the squire stage."

"Do not worr-ee about eet," says the welterweight champ, choosing to ignore his fighter's plight.

Round 2 commences and it's just more raw beating. When the final bell sounds, it's clear Banh Mi has earned himself the decision and his team their first win.

Afterwards, Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh celebrates by pounding on the walls. Another bad choice? Well, the building doesn't come crashing down. But we'll see…

Fade to black.

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