Geez, what’s a guy got to do to get a UFC lightweight title shot nowadays? To hear Jim Miller tell it, who knows and it’s better to just not care. Which is an understandable mindset, given that Miller has only lost twice in 22 fights, and those losses were to champ Frankie Edgar and number one challenger Gray Maynard. In the meantime, Miller has racked up wins against everyone from TUF winner Mac Danzig to supposed “next big thing” Charles Oliveira to the allegedly unstoppable Kamal Shalorus (who Miller stopped in a big way), and on August 14 he’ll take on ex-WEC champ Ben Henderson at UFC on Versus 5. Think a win there will earn him a crack at the belt? Guess again. But thanks to a source inside Zuffa addicted to Cheetos and a leaked internal memo, MMA Journalist has discovered just what it is Miller has to do. To get a shot at the 155-pound title, Jim Miller must first:
- Style Clay Guida’s hair. Nothing flashy, but nothing too conservative either. Think: Mel Gibson in “Lethal Weapon” meets Buffalo Bill from “The Silence of the Lambs”.
- Teach Quinton Jackson about “good touch, bad touch”. Then take him to a strip club.
- Lorenzo feels like eating a badger for lunch today. Fetch him one, will you, Jim? He likes them alive and angry.
- Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin thinks his judo is enough to win fights. Prove him wrong.
- There are 52 fighters on the UFC’s lightweight roster and Miller has only faced about eight of them. *Taps foot.* Well, get cracking! Those other 46 fighters ain’t gonna fight themselves!