There's a UFC this weekend. A big one, in fact. Literally, by sheer poundage alone, it's freakin' massive. You see, the main card features five heavyweight bouts, which is a matchmaking ploy we haven't seen since, well, since Strikeforce started their tournament thingy last year. Anyway, big fighters, big fun, yips. But now isn't the time for an examination of all that. No, now is the time for a look at the undercard, which will air on Facebook and FX and feature normal-sized humans in the cage. Now, given that my wife will be in Amsterdam and I'll be tasked with watching my daughter, that means I'll only get to pay half attention to the following bouts. So here's a "half attention to" preview.
-Diego Brandao vs. Darren Elkins - Brandao hits hard, submits hard, won TUF and presumably bought his mom a house or dishwasher or new ironing board or something with his winnings. Elkins is - HEY! EMMY! PUT DOWN THAT DAMN MEAT CLEAVER - IT IS NOT A TOY!
-Edson Barboza vs. Jamie Varner - Barboza entered the UFC an ace striker and has evolved further into some sort of homo superior with the ability to fight like Neo from the "Matrix". Varner... Varner was a WEC champ ages ago, but has fallen so far off the cliff of dangerousness he'd be a greater threat to Barboza if he was simply his masseuse. Seriously, does Joe Silva want Varner to die?
-"Mayhem" Miller vs. CB Dolloway - Mayhem shit the bed hard against Michael Bisping, so here's a softball in the form of TUF almost-was Dolloway, who couldn't fight his way out - NO, EMMY, YOU CANNOT TRY CIGARETTES. YOU ARE ONLY FOUR-YEARS OLD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
-Dan Hardy vs. Duane Ludwig - Wow, these guys are still employed? Actually, I can see how Ludwig still has a job, because he's been an improbable ass-kicker of late. But Hardy sucks harder than a Dyson Vacuum.
-Jacob Volkmann vs. Paul Sass - This fight isn't happening. The Secret Service is going to gank Volkmann long before he makes it to the cage. EM, GUESS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THREATEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET A TIMEOUT.
-Glover Teixeira vs. Kyle Kingsbury - Man, I've been wanting to see Teixeira fight in the Octagon for quite a few years. Unfortunately, the feeling passed about two years ago, so him finally getting a visa and coming in to face Kingsbury thrills me about as much as the prospect of sitting through my daughter's chaotic Sunday morning T-ball lesson where the kids run wild and the adults look like fools.
-Mike Brown vs. Daniel Pineda - Former WEC champ Mike Brown, eh? EM, NEVER MIND. BRING ME THOSE CIGARETTES.