Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

After realizing that Kimbo's fight was the high-point of the season and it will only be a suckfest from here on out, Darrill Spoonodor attempts to find solace in a bottle of booze. Actually, many bottles of booze. And beer. And sangria. And Bartles & James wine coolers. And Boones Farm. "Blimey, Darrill fancies ter missin' link a hoppin' pot ov de booze, innit?" says James McSweeney.

Um, what?

Anyway, Team Rashad gathers for practice, Darrill by now intoxicated out of his mind, stumbling about and muttering something about "Winky-Dinky Dogs". Coach Evans ignores him, even when his heavyweight ward vomits on assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale, and the ex-champ introduces guest coach Kru Phil Nurse, who teaches Team Rashad about greasing and other anti-grappling techniques. Immediately, Kru Phil Nurse begins rubbing everyone down with Vaseline.

Team Rampage, meanwhile, is having a hard time coping with their nonstop string of losses, and coach Jackson, on day nine of another sleepless, Red Bull-fueled bender, begins to hallucinate. The focus of his hallucinations: Darrill Spoonodor's chest, which in his addled mind resemble "titties". "Titties!" Jackson calls out to Darrill Spoonodor's chest. He attempts to suckle, but the drunken TUF contestant rebuffs him. "Titties!" Jackson cries.

Then everyone lines up for the "Which Rampage Fighter Is Going To Get Beat Next?" ceremony, and as Team Rashad has the ball, coach Evans gets to choose. He picks Darrill Spoonoder to face Zak Jensen, wildly believed to be the weakest link of Team Rampage - nay, the entire TUF house - nay, the entire world. Zak Jensen is purported to be a delicate flower, capable of much love and caring and absolutely zero fighting. At that point Darrill Spoonodor begins shouting at a heavybag and gesticulating wildly. "You son of bitch, you've been staring at me all night. You think you're tough? I'll kick your ass!" Except Darrill Spoonodor is pretty far gone at this point, so when he talks it sounds like his cheeks are full of bar pretzels. And maybe they are.

"Titties!" wails Jackson. "Titties, titties, titties!" He begins waving around dollar bills in a vain effort to get Darrill Spoonodor to dance for him.

Back at the house and everyone is counting down the minutes until Zak Jensen crumbles. Wes Sims starts a pool, marking off on a calendar each housemate's guess. Some wager sooner. Some wager later. Zak Jensen himself even marks off a day on the calendar, then returns to his poetry in the bunk above Wes Sims.

It's training time, and again we're treated to more reasons as to why Zak Jensen sucks. But when he's accidently cut above the eye during a scramble, we're given hope: could this be Kimbo Slice's opening to re-enter the competition? Sorry, Kimbo, no way. If you were going to fight, this episode would have garnered another massive bombardment of SpikeTV press releases hyping the show. And that obviously didn't happen.

Hijinks at the TUF training center! While coach Evans has brought in Kru Phil Nurse to help out his team of upstarts, Team Rampage assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head his a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. Word? Yeah, word.) has brought in a cartoonist. Hmmmm... If Team Rampage members keep losing by submission and their coaching staff consequently provides them with a cartoonist, what would the coaching staff have provided if they kept losing by strikes? A violinist? A giraffe? Anyway, the cartoonist draws caricatures of the various members of Team Rashad, with Darrill Spoonodor in a bra.

"Titties!" Rampage implores, and he begins dry humping a nearby stationary bike.

Thankfully, it's fight time, and Zak Jensen and Darrill Spoonodor enter the cage. By now Darrill Spoonodor is so shitfaced he can barely see, and he's moving like Daffy Duck after Daffy's been hit with a tranquilizer dart, i.e., soooo slowwwwwww. But it doesn't matter. He punches Zak Jensen in the face, and when Zak Jensen takes him down, he slaps on the slowest triangle choke known to man - a triangle choke Zak Jensen does nothing to avoid. Eleven minutes later and Zak Jensen is asleep. Darrill Spoonodor again vomits, and grabs a nearby production assistant and snuggles with him in a corner. "You sure look pretty..." Darrill Spoonodor says to the hapless man before drifting off into alcohol-induced unconsciousness.

"Titties?" Jackson says, the hurt and confusion in his voice clear as day. "Titties, I - I loved you."

The end.

Predictions for UFC 104: "Concentrate, Daniel-San - Wax On, Wax Off"

UFC 104 approaches, and with it comes the latest installment of the popular "The Karate Kid" series. When last we left Daniel-San, he was victorious in defeating the bully Rashad Evans. But his Crane Technique can only carry him so far, and his next opponent - the Shogun of Harlem - is the baddest mo-fo, low-down around this town. Will Daniel-San emerge victorious? Or will he face doom in the Octagon and forever be known as "The Last Dragon"? Predictions!

• Lyoto Machida will win. He's been drinking his own urine, and that's some serious karate right there.
• I'm really aggravated that Yahoo! Sports used my "Is Cain Able?" line before I could get it up. That kind of witty Biblical analogy is this blog's bread and butter. Dammit.
• Ben Rothwell: the man, the myth, the buffet killer.
• I don't know who's going to win between Gleison Tibau and Josh Neer, but one thing is for sure: somehow, some way, Neer is going to wind up pissed off.
• Spencer "the King" Fisher is going to out-point Joe Stevenson, but the California State Athletic Commission will change the result to a "no contest" when they find out that Fisher is not, in fact, a king.
• Anthony Johnson by pure, unadulterated blackness.

Another NYC Underground Show Scheduled

November is turning into a busy month for MMA fans in New York, with yet another underground show scheduled for the Five Boroughs. If this one is anything like the last one I went to over the summer (click here for the trip down memory lane: http://mmajournalist.blogspot.com/2009/06/liveblog-brooklyn-underground-show-part.html ), the action is MMA-ish, i.e., not vale tudo like the UCL and the fighters wear headgear. But it can be entertaining. Anyhoo, this one is in Queens and it's slated for November 13th. Booyah.

Bellator FC to Air on Drive-Thru Order Screens at Taco Bells Nationwide

Bellator Fighting Championships, which made a splash last year on ESPN Deportes with a series of Latino-centric MMA tournaments, has announced a new broadcast deal for their upcoming season. In addition to securing time on FOX Sports Net, NBC and Telemundo, Bellator will also air live bouts on the drive-thru order screens of Taco Bell fast food restaurants nationwide. "I am very happy," said El Jefe Bjorn Rebney before firing a pair of six-shooters into the sky. "With this distribution deal, the Bellator name will now be forever linked to quality MMA fights and fine Mexican food. Arriba!" In its inaugural season, the promotion crowned Hector Lombard, Lyman Good, Eddie Alvarez and Joe Soto as champs and paid them the kind of pesos only top UFC fighters receive. It's unclear what the new season will bring, although expect lots and lots of pinatas.

Spreading the MMA Knowledge Wealth

Check out this - http://www.doghouseboxing.com/UFC_MMA/Genia101909.htm - in case you've been wondering what I do when not posting here. Between DoghouseBoxing.com, MMAMemories.com and FCFighter.com, I'm just doing my part to spread the MMA knowledge wealth.

MMA World Expo to Possibly Feature MMA and Stuff

The inaugural MMA World Expo is scheduled for this upcoming weekend at the Jacob Javitz Center in Manhattan, with the two-day event featuring what should be a ridiculous amount of MMA. Guest speakers lined up include judo stud Rhadi Ferguson, who will be conducting a seminar on what it's like being Kimbo Slice's cousin, and veteran journo Eddie Goldman, who will be talking about various styles of eyewear. Fighters scheduled for autograph sessions include Wanderlei Silva, Matt Hughes, Philippe Nover and Pete Sell, among others. Expect MMA Journalist to pay the expo a visit and liveblog the festivities.

October 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings

October 16, 2009: The October 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings have been released. These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites.

In addition to the numerous MMA web sites that publish the Independent World MMA Rankings, you can also access the rankings at any time by going to www.IndependentWorldMMARankings.com.

Some of the best and most knowledgeable MMA writers from across the MMA media landscape have come together to form one independent voting panel. These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (Fight Opinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Freelance), Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Jim Murphy (The Savage Science); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion), Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Total MMA).

Note: Joachim Hansen, who was previously ineligible to be ranked due to 12 months of inactivity, has regained his eligibility to be ranked as a result of his recent return to competition.

October 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings Ballots collected on October 13, 2009

Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)

1. Fedor Emelianenko (30-1, 1 No Contest)

2. Brock Lesnar (4-1)

3. Frank Mir (12-4)

4. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (32-5-1, 1 No Contest)

5. Shane Carwin (11-0)

6. Brett Rogers (10-0)

7. Randy Couture (16-10)

8. Alistair Overeem (29-11, 1 No Contest)

9. Junior dos Santos (9-1)

10. Fabricio Werdum (12-4-1)

Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)

1. Lyoto Machida (15-0)

2. Quinton Jackson (30-7)

3. Rashad Evans (13-1-1)

4. Anderson Silva (25-4)

5. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-3)

6. Forrest Griffin (16-6)

7. Gegard Mousasi (26-2-1)

8. Dan Henderson (25-7)

9. Thiago Silva (14-1)

10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (17-3)

Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)

1. Anderson Silva (25-4)

2. Nathan Marquardt (29-8-2)

3. Dan Henderson (25-7)

4. Yushin Okami (23-4)

5. Jorge Santiago (21-7)

6. Vitor Belfort (19-8)

7. Demian Maia (10-1)

8. Robbie Lawler (16-5, 1 No Contest)

9. Chael Sonnen (23-10-1)

10. Yoshihiro Akiyama (13-1, 2 No Contests)

Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)

1. Georges St. Pierre (19-2)

2. Jon Fitch (19-3, 1 No Contest)

3. Thiago Alves (16-4)

4. Jake Shields (23-4-1)

5. Josh Koscheck (13-4)

6. Matt Hughes (43-7)

7. Mike Swick (14-2)

8. Paulo Thiago (11-1)

9. Carlos Condit (23-5)

10. Marius Zaromskis (12-3)

Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)

1. B.J. Penn (14-5-1)

2. Shinya Aoki (22-4, 1 No Contest)

3. Eddie Alvarez (17-2)

4. Kenny Florian (11-4)

5. Tatsuya Kawajiri (25-5-2)

6. Diego Sanchez (21-2)

7. Gray Maynard (8-0, 1 No Contest)

8. Frankie Edgar (10-1)

9. Joachim Hansen (19-8-1)

10. Mizuto Hirota (12-3-1)

Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)

1. Mike Brown (22-4)

2. Urijah Faber (22-3)

3. Jose Aldo (15-1)

4. Hatsu Hioki (20-3-2)

5. Leonard Garcia (13-4)

6. Bibiano Fernandes (7-2)

7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (16-3)

8. Wagnney Fabiano (12-2)

9. Raphael Assuncao (14-1)

10. Mackens Semerzier (4-0)

Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)

1. Brian Bowles (8-0)

2. Miguel Torres (37-2)

3. Takeya Mizugaki (12-3-2)

4. Masakatsu Ueda (9-0-2)

5. Dominick Cruz (14-1)

6. Akitoshi Tamura (14-7-2)

7. Joseph Benavidez (10-1)

8. Damacio Page (12-4)

9. Rani Yahya (14-4)

10. Will Ribeiro (10-2)

The Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.

The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.

The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.

Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.

Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.

Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.

Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.

Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 5

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

This week we're introduced to two new members of the TUF house - Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz - with the additions getting an inordinate amount of camera time... time that could be better spent on Kimbo!

Team Rashad is training and everyone is all smiles and love and tender affection while they jog around the training center, occasionally dropping to do a forward roll or pausing for an awkward cartwheel. But beneath that veneer of idyllic happiness lurks something dark. Something unsettling. Yes, Matt Minestrone's shoulder wants to make its presence known, and it does it in the form of complaints ("Ouch, that push-up is going to hurt. Maybe you should give me some ice? Ouch, hitting that heavybag is going to hurt. Can I get a shot of heroin?"). Matt Minestrone brings his shoulder over to coach Rashad Evans and Evans listens to the shoulder drone on.

"Heroin? Really? Man, that's a short-term fix for what could be a long-term problem," says Evans, trying to reason with the shoulder. "Why not just tweak your nipples?"

But Matt Minestrone's shoulder will have none if it, and it points out the fact that it's just a shoulder and it doesn't possess nipples.

Over at Team Rampage, things aren't going too rosy for Zak Jensen in practice. Apparently he sucks, and everyone takes a moment to describe in colorful terms his suckiness. "There's suck, and there's suck," says Scott Garbage. "Zak is SUCK."

"Man, he suck," says coach Quinton Jackson.

Jensen agrees. "Yeah, I really suck."

Back at the house and we're introduced to Zak Jensen's jizz, which is taking a shower when teammate Wes Sims tries to join it. "Zak Jensen, your jizz won't share the damn shower!" Sims bellows. Later on, Jensen retreats to his room to write in his diary. His jizz, meanwhile, joins the rest of the housemates downstairs, and the group shares a laugh at Jensen's expense. "Holy crap does Zak suck!" Zack Jensen's jizz proclaims. Everyone cracks up.

At that point incomprehensible Brit James McSweeney says something into the camera, but outside of those intoxicated and watching in pubs, no one understands him.

Back to Matt Minestrone's shoulder, which is chilling in the pool casually shooting basketballs into a hoop. Women in bikinis prance around. A midget shakes a bottle of Moet champagne and the ensuing spray fills the air. At one point it looks like Matt Minestrone's shoulder is filming a rap video.

Later on in the training center, Matt Minestrone walks up to coach Evans. "I don't think I can punch today. My shoulder needs ice."

"Yeah," Matt Minestrone's shoulder chimes in.

Evans looks at Matt Minestrone, at Matt Minestrone's shoulder, then back at Matt Minestrone. "You two are weird," he says.

It's time to choose who's fighting who, and as Evans' team has been kicking ass, Evans gets to make the pick. He names Wes Sims and Justin Wren as the next two warriors to grace the cage. What? Why the hell did we have all this drama involving Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz? Why aren't the shoulder and the jizz fighting?

Some quick backstory on Sims and Justin Wren: Sims is tall and goofy, trains with the Hammer House but cannot wrestle, fought Frank Mir in the UFC twice, and was homeless prior to getting into the TUF house. Justin Wren is both Greek and Roman and he wrestles.

Close up of Kimbo sitting on a couch. "I just want to fight again," he says. Yes, Kimbo. And every employee of SpikeTV from the executives on down to the night cleaning lady wants you to fight again, too.

Sims lets everyone know that he wants to make an impression by winning big or losing big, and though he'd prefer to win, he's not afraid to make a statement by losing. As an exclamation point, he stands up and flexes like a pro wrestler.

At the official weigh-ins Sims and Justin Wren strip down to their underwear, "underwear" a subjective term and in this instance a distant relative to the purple monstrosity and the butt-flosser we're forced to look at when Sims and Justin Wren step on the scale. Everyone hoots and hollers, including Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz.

And then it's fight time, and after the two engage along the cage and Justin Wren gets the takedown, Sims gets his wish re: making an impression. Thanks to an arm-triangle choke, the tall and goofy UFC vet is left unconscious on the canvas. It takes paramedics 20 minutes to revive him.

Just like in the last episode, coach Jackson refuses to come to the aid of his fallen fighter, and afterwards Evans confronts him in the hallway. "That's some crappy coaching-style you got there," he says.

Matt Minestrone's shoulder and Zak Jensen's jizz walk by. "Yeah, man," they say in unison. "You suck."

The end.

Chuck Liddell Booted from "Dancing with the Stars"; Door Now Open for "Chuck & Kate Plus 8"

Former UFC light-heavyweight champ Chuck Liddell reached the end of the line last night on "Dancing with the Stars", suffering a TKO at the hands of judges unappreciative of his ability - or lack thereof - to tango, do a two-step, breakdance and bust out with a Jitterbug. But all is not lost for the erstwhile MMA star. According to entertainment industry magazine "Variety", the "Iceman" has been fielding offers from a wealth of popular television shows, and may be taking over as the father of fraternal twins and sextuplets in the program formally known as "Jon & Kate Plus 8". "'Chuck & Kate Plus 8' is just one of the opportunities we're considering," said Liddell's agent, Larry Gershfeld. "Right now Chuck is hot. He can fight and he can dance, and people want to know what else he can do. Can he handle eight kids? Is he funny enough to be the last comic standing? Can he cook in Hell's Kitchen? Could he be America's next top model? I don't know, but if the money's right, the world is going to find out!" While it remains unclear when, and if, Liddell will return to MMA, one thing is certain: we haven't seen the last of the Iceman looking silly.

New York Underground MMA Community to Counter November 7th CBS/Strikeforce with Two Shows

The war between Strikeforce and the New York underground MMA community is heating up, with two underground promotions going head to head against the November 7th Strikeforce show that's scheduled to be broadcast on CBS. "Scott Coker wants a war? I'll give him a war," said one of the promoters, who asked to keep his identity a secret. "Sure, people are going to want to watch Fedor fight Brett Rogers on TV, but they can record that and watch it later. We're going to have real live fights where if you sit close enough you'll get splattered with blood!" No further details have been released concerning the underground shows, such as who may be competing, although it is known that the Brooklyn event is slated for the afternoon while the Long Island event will take place at night. Stay tuned for more info as it becomes available.