Dana White: "Okay, I Admit It. Our Heavyweight Division Sucks Without Fedor"

In an unusually candid moment, UFC head cheese Dana White addressed reporters concerning the recent performance of Fedor Emelianenko, who won in spectacular fashion in the main event of Saturday night's CBS-broadcast Strikeforce event and reasserted himself as the best heavyweight fighter in the world. "Okay, I admit it," said the crestfallen promoter. "Our heavyweight division sucks without Fedor." The statement comes as a complete shock to those used to White's standard rhetoric, as he's long decried that those fighters who dare compete outside of the Octagon must suck by the simple virtue of them not being UFC fighters. "I'm sick of lying about it," White continued. "That little Russian blows away our champ Brock Lesnar. Plus, he's already beaten [Antonio Rodrigo] Nogueira twice, and God knows what he'd do to poor Randy [Couture]." Added White sheepishly, "But at least we have Kimbo, right?"

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 8

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

There are injuries that are superficial - mere cuts and scratches and abrasions that one must just grin and bear for the sake of competition - and there are injuries grave.

Thanks to Quinton Jackson, the injuries suffered to the door in the TUF training center are grave. Shattered, splintered, broken, barely hanging from its hinges... the door is now out of the running to become this season's Ultimate Fighter. Alas, perhaps matchmaker Joe Silva will find a place for it on a UFC Fight Night undercard once it's healed up.

"I'm sorry," says Dana White to the door, which is being treated by medical staff. "A door has never won on the show before. I know you probably thought you'd be the first, but fighting ain't easy." The door says nothing, but its demeanor - sad, stricken - speaks volumes. "You'll be back," says Dana, and when the door leaves to go to the hospital, the UFC honcho looks at the camera. "The kid's got heart. You have to admire that."

His defeat over the door notwithstanding, things look grim for coach Jackson, whose team is now down seven bouts to none in the overall scheme of things. The remaining opening round fight will pit ex-NFLer Marcus Jones against Team Rashad's Mitch Weasel, and though Jones is inhumanly huge, he's still a member of Team Rampage, and they all suck. Will coach Evans and his boys score a clean sweep? Will Kimbo fight again? Will TUF ever be interesting again if Kimbo doesn't somehow play a bigger role?

It's time to get to know Marcus Jones and Mitch Weasel. Marcus apparently loves opera and sings a halfway decent soprano, pitching perfect high notes when he belts out a duet with some sort of giant desert insect that creeps into the house. Laaaaaaaaa! And smash! go the champagne glasses in the cupboard. Marcus follows it up with an effiminate dance.

Mitch Weasel, meanwhile, likes to sob. Also, his wife has cancer. Wait, are we supposed to feel sorry for you for being apart from her? Or are we supposed to think you're a douchebag for leaving your dying wife's side for a freakin' TV show? I'm confused.

Back to coach Jackson at the TUF center, trying to molest that poor fighter with the man-boobs. "Titties!" cries Jackson. "Oh, okay," says Darrill Spoonodor. "Squeeze them all you want." And the gropefest continues!

Uh oh, someone drew a picture of Marcus Jones and Mitch Weasel wrote mean things on it, and look, they taped it up on the wall of the TUF house. Hijinks! This is worse than jizzing on someone's food or urinating on someone's pillow! Oh, the humanity. When will this vicious cycle end? "I'm going to rip the arm off of whoever did that," promises Marcus.

Then it's fight time, and sure enough, when Marcus catches Mitch Weasel in an armbar he rips the poor man's arm off.

Postfight and it's the traditional "interview the fighters at that tree behind the TUF center" moment. With only one remaining arm, Mitch Weasel sobs. "My wife... cancer... my arm... boohooo."

Marcus, of course, is more upbeat. "Laaaaaa!" And he's joined by a giant termite singing baritone and a scorpion singing tenor. It sounds like "La Traviata".

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for (okay, not really. That moment passed when Kimbo lost.): the next round match-ups. Dana gathers coaches Evans and Jackson and they listen to the remaining competitors spew about who they want to fight and what not. Most say Matt Minestrone - because everyone hates Italian soups - but when Roy Nelson speaks Dana interrupts him.

"I hate you for defeating our golden goose," says Dana to the IFL champ. "How dare you diminish the value of our money-making, ratings-magnet spectacle."

"Um, what?" replies Nelson.

"If I could somehow swing it, you'd be facing Cain Velasquez, Shane Carwin and Cheick Kongo all at once for your next fight," mutters Dana.

"These cameras are rolling," a producer says from off-screen.

Dana's visage switches from venomous scowl to his usual cavalier self. "You're fighting Justin Wren!" And the rest of the pairings fall into place, with Jon Madsen taking on Brandon Cottonswab, Matt Minestrone going up against James "Team UK Foreva" McSweeney, and Marcus Jones facing Darrill Spoonodor.

What of Kimbo? The camera pulls back, away from the mat where the announcements are made, away from the exercise equipment and the cage, to the door frame where once hung the now-injured door. In its place: the man with the beard, Mr. Slice himself. The season is saved!

The end.

Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce/CBS "You Can't Stop The Sweater"

• Antonio Silva may have lost, but that dude wins the award for "Scariest-Looking Individual to Ever Set-Foot in the Cage". Seriously. Yikes. That dude is a mutant.
• That was the best Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou we've seen in a long time. Where were those judo throws in the UFC?
• Gegard Mousasi broke a sweat. He still appeared indifferent to being in there, though.
• Jake Shields dry humped Jason Miller to victory. The most exciting part was when Miller nearly choked him the fuck out.
• Brett Rogers did amazingly well.
• Fedor did amazingly weller.

Predictions for Strikeforce/CBS "Fedor vs. Rogers"

Yeah, so, there's supposed to be some big fight on primetime television tonight. Anyone hear about it? Anyone know who's fighting? Hold on, let me Google it... OMG FEDOR! FEDOR! FEDOR! Anyway, predictions:

• In the match-up between Fabricio Werdum and Antonio Silva, the Brazilian will win. In theory, at least.
• Gegard Mousasi isn't just going to kill Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou. He's going to casually walk up to him and put his fist through Sokoudjou's chest, and when his hand emerges from Sokoudjou's back, the UFC vet's heart will still be beating and spurting blood onto the canvas.
• Roxanne Modafferi, you don't have to put on the red light. Those days are over. You don't have to sell your body to the night.
• Jake Shields is going to submit Jason Miller. Afterwards, MTV is going to move "Bully Beatdown" to VH1, and a month later VH1 is going to move "Bully Beatdown" to Nickelodeon.
• Fedor is going to defeat Brett Rogers. Fedor will remain his usual unassuming self postfight, but his sweater is going out on the town and partying.

The Fight Nerd's UCL Coverage

Matt the Fight Nerd was at the last Underground Combat League show. Check out what he had to say here: http://www.thefightnerd.com/underground-mma-ny-1/.

Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce Challengers' "Hometown Fighter Gets Hometown Decision"

• When did Stephen Quadros become a zombie? Was this recent? I thought he was still alive...
• There's nothing like a good chick fight. And Zoila Frausto vs. Elisha Helsper was nothing like a good chick fight.
• Merrit Warren: keeping highly-telegraphed heelhook submissions alive since 2009.
• Good win for Luke Rockhold. But can he pull that off against an opponent that's sober?
• Is Shane del Rosario the first person above 240 pounds to pull off a win via omoplata in an MMA bout? I think he is.
• Jorge Gurgel won that fight. He wuz robbed.

Predictions for Strikeforce Challengers' "Not Fedor! OMG, Not Fedor!"

Friday night brings us another edition of Strikeforce Challengers, this one headlined by OMG! NOT FEDOR! FEDOR IS SATURDAY NIGHT, PEOPLE! AHH! Ahem, anyway, here are some predictions.

• Jorge Gurgel is going to defeat Billy Evangelista after a grueling three-round war. In his post-fight interview, the first question Gurgel is going to be asked if he thinks Fedor will win on Saturday night.
• The second question will be something about Fedor's sweater.
• Jesse Taylor will win despite being drunk.
• Shane del Rosario is clearly not Fedor, but one time in social studies class del Rosario found Russia on the map. Expect Mauro Renallo to bring that up.
• Are there other fighters on the card? I don't know. All I know is that none of them are FEDOR! OMG!

UFC Match-Up Scorecard

Brock Lesnar is out with the flu. Anderson Silva has a bum elbow. Lyoto Machida is suffering from urine overdose. Kurt Pellegrino hurt his back. Todd Duffee sprained his chalupa. The plethora of injuries and illnesses that have stricken UFC fighters in recent weeks has left fans' heads spinning, and have of course left matchmaker Joe Silva scrambling to fill upcoming cards. So who's fighting who now that Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin is off and Silva vs. Vitor Belfort is on ice? Fear not, because MMA Journalist has compiled a list of new match-ups for easy reference!

• Tito Ortiz vs. Forrest Griffin 2 to headline UFC 106 now that Lesnar vs. Carwin is off. The co-main event will be paint drying vs. two flies having sex.
• Heavyweight fighter Shane Carwin will now face former bantamweight champ Miguel Torres at WEC 46. The event is titled WEC 46: "Urijah Faber Is Not Fighting On This Card".
• Lightweight stud Frankie Edgar's TUF 10 bout against Pellegrino is off, so instead Edgar will sing a collection of Neil Diamond's greatest hits.
• With Duffee out, heavyweight slugger Paul Buentello will now take on Colin James Hay, the lead singer from Australian 80s band "Men at Work".
• As the eagerly-anticipated rematch between Machida and Mauricio "Shogun" Rua has been postponed indefinitely, Shogun will now meet judge Cecil Peoples in the cage.
• Junie Browning - still on drugs, still not in the UFC.

A Side of Crazy

This just in from that guy that spoke out at the World MMA Expo's "Future of MMA in New York" panel discussion:

"First off I'm no lunatik. I have been involved in martial Arts since 1979 and been a member of KS Lions Den for 11 years. If you payed any attention it was the fact that Dana White was NOT treating his fighters with any regard.Mikey Burnett has been a part of the UFC since the Beginning and now has a broken neck due to injury on TUF 4 which Zuffa is not owning up to.You must of been the JOKER I told to PIPE DOWN.

Eric Nyenhuis"

A Collection of News Haiku

• His royal highness/ Dana White hates amateur/ MMA. Screw him.
• Lesnar is sick, now/ UFC 106 sucks./ Ha! It did before.
• Roxanne Modafferi/ on CBS-Fedor card./ Yahoo! You go girl!
• Massachusetts is/ close to sanctioned MMA. /Bye-bye grassroots shows!
• Ultimate Fighter/ tryouts had the skilled and inept./ Guess who's getting picked?
• Shogun, Machida,/ Cecil Peoples and judging./ Please, God, let it die.